I Was Sentenced 20 Years for Murder, But then Jesus Did this…

so I said that's how I'm gonna do it I rigged myself so that way it could stay unlocked and I remember the day like it was yesterday everybody was out for breakfast and they were moving around going in the line going to get their food and when everybody went back in their cells it's time for it to close but my cell was rigged a certain way so that way it will close but won't lock and then when it all of a sudden made his last rounds I was going to leave out and hang myself I

had everything ready prepared I was sitting on my bunk and I started just contemplating seeing it in my head there was there was something inside was just like not convinced I didn't even have nothing on my mind I just felt inside like there has to be another way I don't even know where that came from at the time man but I promise the moment I said that I heard the voice of God in my cell said try me life before Jesus I would probably say that in maybe two words I would say not Jesus um

I say that because growing up in Washington DC neighborhood it was called Paradise right funny name to name a project neighborhood called Paradise growing up in that neighborhood you have a lot of crime violence drugs um no gangs like in DC it's more like neighborhoods so like whatever neighborhood or Street you was from that was kind of like your your thing what you represented but it still come with the same you know nonsense the same drama the same vicious mentality crabs in a basket right um I had my mom my dad my two sisters and

we actually went to church though but it's funny the reason why I say like not not Jesus because we went to church but I knew nothing about Jesus like nothing um my mom played Kirk Franklin a lot and it was weird because I remember one time he had this nice song and I liked it a lot that when I was like preparing drugs and stuff to sell on the corners I was like I want to hear that song so I was like bagging drugs to Kirk Franklin so it was really confusing to know like okay

my parents are in church we're going to church at a young age but I don't know what to do with this life I didn't even consider it a lifestyle it was just like you go to church churches in your neighborhood all right this is where people go when they want to feel better and get ready for the week that's what I thought church was I didn't have a desire for God a desire for church I didn't have a desire for anything spiritual all I knew was when I come outside it's hundreds of people in my

neighborhood because I'm from a project the difference between projects and different streets is that you have even Gates that surround you that enclose you in right or there's different buildings that make up like one neighborhood so it's not like streets with cars passing by it's like everybody that lives here come outside so it can be 200 people outside at one giving time so I knew when I come outside that's what I see I see money I see my nice cars I see clothes fancy clothes I also see just the like people quote unquote loving each

other and being family because in my house the structure for family wasn't as strong as now I know it could have been right so when I go outside they happen to see you outside it's nothing like being in the house getting ready like maybe brushing your teeth and then you get a knock on the door and it's your friends like you coming outside they already beat you outside like that feels good that somebody wanting to hang with you right that's what I kind of gravitated to because in my house we had struggles when I struggles

my dad was the only one working my mom has complications right so she couldn't work a lot um she's have hearing complications so she couldn't get certain jobs me and my sisters we're around the same age We're Young so of course we're not working my dad was struggling it was a lot I actually look back now and I honor him for the hard work that he had to put in but back then as a kid you just look at it like you don't have nothing you look at your parents like they're not doing anything for

you you see other kids and we all live in the same Community right but why do they have and I don't have so in my house nobody really cared for each other that much or show that they did right it was always about my dad trying to survive my mom trying to be content with her situation my sister's trying to make it out here as females and me now I'm in the streets and that's how I live my life growing up I began you know doing Street things around 12 years old I started selling drugs

at 12. I remember a time when I went to someone's house and he literally sold the drugs to me at 12 and thought nothing of it and from that day moving forward I was a drug dealer and people would literally buy drugs from adults people moms it was some of my friends parents who would buy drugs from me some of them knew some of them didn't know so when that what happened I didn't feel like power but I felt like like man I can take this and build upon it and and have something of my

own because when you grow up in an environment that's like kind of Rocky and shaky you want something for yourself you want something you can call your own you want something that nobody can take from you that you can make for yourself and survive so I thought that being a drug dealer all right was like I was gonna make a name for myself because in DC you got all these big drug dealers right I mean you could turn on YouTube and just type in drug dealers from DC and you'd see all types of drug dealers

and I thought in my mind that one day I will be someone that somebody look up to or look up and see his lifestyle could be because that's how I felt it's weird when you can feel like you're good at doing something bad like you're good at it and lo and behold living that lifestyle for what I would say from 12 to 22. 10 years straight it caught up to me right I try to do as much as I can to make a name for myself I had all of my friends I literally taught them

like how to sell drugs right I remember one time I went on my to my best friend's window um he lived on the first floor and I had to like reach my hand up through the like black gate on the window because it's like I block Gates on it because I'm in the projects and when you're in a bad neighborhood those gates are there because like you're in a bad neighborhood and somebody can just climb into your window right um so they put those black steel Gates around your window so I had to stick my

hand through there and kind of tap on this window and I was like hey you trying to make some money I'm selling drugs now like get come with me and I bought him on the team and all my other friends and we selling drugs but we're selling drugs you gotta now protect what's yours because you have other people that don't like what you're doing you got other people that's looking at you seeing you one way down and now you got money and they like they want to take what you have so we had to stop

carrying guns so I was carrying a gun from 12 years old a 12 year old carrying a gun around I'm sneaking guns in school I'm riding with guns on the bus like at 12 years old I can't imagine now at 12 like seeing a 12 year old walking and seeing him and he has a gun on him I couldn't imagine that but that's what I was doing trying to protect what was mines and when you're carrying guns you even get locked up with it or you have to use it and in my case there was

a situation where I used it I used a gun to take somebody's life at 22 years old I look back now and I regret that situation with everything that that I have in me I see so many ways it could have went but it happened I understand now that everybody has a decision to make you're not forced to do anything you know in those times and in those moments where you feel like I just have to do this I wish somebody would have told me no you don't no you don't there's always options right there's

always options depending on your environment it'll speak to you and tell you like how to think how to react and back then I didn't choose the right environment to be around and it led me to take someone's life I remember a time when I was locked up and I was talking about my situation to someone and they looked at me and said that's not normal and I thought that was a weird response to me telling them my story I was like what do you mean that's not normal he's like you're telling it as if like

you had to do it like it's normal like it's the normal reaction to something and it was like people just don't walk around with guns it's not a normal thing to do well and and it hit me and I was like it's not it's not the norm it kind of woke me up in that moment but now I'm locked up and I'm faced with a life sentence for first degree murder and I'm sitting in that cell man in reality struck as soon as those mechanical doors started moving by themselves and it's making like a clinging

sound like and then they go boom it slams to let you know but you can't produce open you can't wiggle your way out of this you're here and I was sitting there like wow I'm here I'm faced with a decision in my life where I thought I was taking control now I don't have no control No Control in my life I thought that the thing that I was doing with my life was what needed to be done but now I'm here facing my life and I have no control and I'm sitting there pondering prison is

so loud it's so loud in jail just imagine 120 people at least one person talking to somebody that's 60 conversations going on at one time it's so chaotic it's hard to think it's hard to like like relax it's just loud noise all day so I'm sitting there trying to think trying to ponder on my life but it's so much confusion around I'm sitting on my butt and I'm like how did I end up in this situation how did my life get here when I simply thought that where I grew up and the things that was

happening this is this is what I need to do but now I'm faced with this decision and the thing is you know you special or you know like like God is singling you out when you're the only one that usually go down for things that other people are seem like they're getting away with but in that moment I wasn't thinking like that I was trying to get out of there because in my neighborhood people find a way out thinking back then the way my mind was when you locked up for like murder or a violent

charge that involves someone losing their life you know they say that that's the hardest thing to convict someone of so my mind was like I can get out of this and I was sitting on my bunk just thinking how am I going to win in this situation how am I going to get out of this two things came to mind I said I do not want to spend the rest of my life in prison that's not an option I am not going down that is not the way that I thought my story was going to

be that is not how I thought people were going to talk about me and my name would be passed down through the streets I was like no and I didn't want to come back out and have to live the same way and potentially have to continue to do those type of things I wasn't I didn't want that either then I didn't want no one to take my life either so I said I know how I could win I'll just take my own life and I thought about it and it made sense it made sense not

because I was going through a lot of pain or stress or pressure it made sense because I still wanted to be in control to the point where I was willing to take my own life just so I can still stay in control of my destiny and I was convinced because that's what Pride would do Pride makes you convinced of things that you believe you can control so I said okay talking to myself I'm like this is it I never thought that I'll get to this point but this is it I'm like okay and the type

of person I was if anything came to my mind to do I never really second guessed it and I didn't care what nobody else thought about it I didn't think about family I didn't think about writing a note or leaving something behind for no loved one I had a son at the time who was two I didn't think about him I just was like this is how I want my story to be strange because I look back now and I'm like how did I think that winning was taking my life so it was in that

moment I said I'm just going to plan it I planned it I figured out how I can rig myself to keep it unlocked so that I can run out on the top tier because in prison some prisons anywhere or most of the majority have two tiers you have a bottom tier where you have sales around and in the middle there's like tables where people eat and then you have a top tier it sells around right with nothing in the middle just a space usually when you come in a present you have a solid Port where

there's a hallway and a door so it's like the outside of the the prison um tier that you're on has a outside door you come in then you have to wait inside of a room and then there's another door that you get buzzed in so I said okay it'll take at least a minute or two for the guards to run to this tier then they have to get buzzed in then they have to wait for that door to close and then get bust in another door so I'm like I have some time to run out

myself run to the top tier I hang myself and it'll be at least three four minutes before they come to get me if not longer that's if they even want to come because the guard on the tear can't do anything because they have to maintain the tier for the rest of the inmates they can't just run to one situation have to call for help so they literally will have to watch me hanging on the speaker calling for help and they might not even want to come so I said that's how I'm gonna do it I

rig myself so that way it can stay unlocked and I remember the day like it was yesterday everybody was out for breakfast and they were moving around going in the line going to get their food and when everybody uh went back in their cells it's time for it to close but my cell was rigged a certain way so that way it will close but won't lock and then when it all of a sudden made his last rounds I was going to leave out and hang myself I had everything ready prepared I was sitting on my

bunk and I started just contemplating it seeing it in my head because Looking Back Now I realized everything that you see like what you see yourself doing you're more than likely going to do it if you see yourself doing it if you can just if you walk through it you'll you'll and see yourself doing it it's gonna happen so I was picturing what it's going to feel like what it's going to be like and I was ready I sat up on my bunk a couple of Tears stopped rolling down my eyes my sail buddy went

to sleep I said this is it but then immediately something was inside of me I started thinking about like people I started thinking about my son I started thinking about life and in that moment I said man it has to be another way this was literally the first time I ever decided to change my mind or something that I wanted to do but I felt like there was a something inside was just like not convinced I didn't even have nothing on my mind I just felt inside like there has to be another way I don't

even know where that came from at the time man but I promise the moment I said that I heard the voice of God in my cell said try me and it wasn't like spooky or like the movies or like I had to look up and try to figure out like where's this voice coming from no it went from me saying okay this is about to happen to sitting up saying wait it has to be another way to hearing God's voice say try me I knew I knew that it was God it's like inside of me

I just knew it was a knowing like I didn't say who is that right I was just like I know it was like this voice was so familiar like I just knew it and it brought so much freedom and joy to me in that moment I'm thinking about I can see it like I can see the day and I can see myself just literally transitioning from crying it's about to take my life to hearing God's voice and just immediately feeling loved and my very next words were you want me you want me said you want

my life and right after that I said you can have it I just started talking to like God talking to Jesus like you can have it you can have it you can have my life you can have it if you want it you can have it and then I started making declarations I was like I live for you I never turn my back on you I never turn my back on you I left for you I left for you like out of nowhere I just started saying this like he was sitting right there in front

of me I said if you want my life you can have mines I said you didn't turn it back on me I won't turn my back on you I'll never leave you and I said that for probably about maybe 10 minutes straight I just kept saying the same thing over and over and over my tears dried up the feelings are taking my life went away and I just sat there and just was just praising God and next thing you know it was time to come out in the morning for like early showers and I ran

to the phone and called my mom and told her what just happened and she was rejoicing and praising God my life before Jesus no joy cause looking at that moment and the joy I felt knowing that God like God like not a religious figure I'm talking about God not a sermon that came back to my to my God like he came in to say hell with me and said try him me a murderer I'm in prison for murder you would think that somebody like that deserves to die you would think that a God's response to

someone breaking his law or committing something like that that he would pass by them and choose someone else that's seemingly more worthy or a better candidate and I think back and I just say I didn't have no questions like why me at first those questions came kind of later but in that moment I was thinking like you're that good the guy that I went to church to sit there and try to not fall asleep and watch everybody pray and praise you and you know preach about you like you're really real and you're actually good I

was amazed that he would want me and I felt so loved and I realized my life before Christ didn't have true love it didn't have it because now I know what it is yes you have family who love you and they they do their very best but I'm talking about that no judgment love that take your place type of love you know the love that understands where you are and know where you are my life before Christ was full of a lot of anxiety stress comparison I compare myself to people all the time because in

the neighborhood that I grew up in you have status it's status everywhere you got people that's popular you have people that's getting money you have your athletes you have status all around you so comparing yourself it's easy and simple like that's what you do and you try to be better or you know hang around people that's doing good so my life without Christ I dealt with a lot of comparison not content with who I was didn't even know who I was but in Christ now finding him or him finding me that day like knowing where

I was and revealing himself to me it's like if God himself accepts me and wants me like right now you want to do life with me you want me to be yours like right now it through comparison out the window because what do I have to compare myself to any anybody now for when God himself says he accepts me now they accept this part I struggle with that even in Christ the comparison I didn't compare myself but the acceptance my enemy came at me hard with that he literally now I know I look back I

knew it was him he literally would plant thoughts to say that yeah you say but you still gonna die like your life isn't gonna beat anything like you're still gonna die God just saved you so that way you can just die and go to heaven like you're not gonna live long you're not gonna have a blessed life you still have to pay for what you did the shame that guilt and that condemnation came like a flood immediately after salvation because I started thinking about all the things that I've done and the thing that had me

in Prince so I'm still in prison and I'm still facing this charge and now I have Jesus so I have to face what I did with Jesus and I struggled I struggled with believing that his acceptance was like complete I struggled with believing that all of the emotions of guilt and shame weren't real because it felt real those feelings felt like God loves you but you got to still pay and I live with that almost my entire time in jail I thought that God saved me but he still needed to exact some type of restitution

from my life and I couldn't live free I couldn't live free in him I won't be serving God praising God loving on God loving people being a witness for him and then going myself and beat myself up and bang myself over the head like with a hammer like a like a invisible ham just tearing my thoughts up I knew his love was real because in my heart and it's like the same moment that happened I lived that moment every day I can feel his presence with me I knew he was with me but when it

came to my thoughts that I was thinking it wasn't like correlating I it's like I knew but my thoughts were saying something different I knew he forgave me but my mind was telling me that no you have to pay I knew that he still wanted to use me but then my thoughts was like only to a certain limit because nobody like you can't fully be used and it literally like tortured me to the point where it even was messing up my physical body I was under so much shame and guilt that my body started reacting

to it I would wake up with pains in my body out of nowhere went to the prison hospital got x-rays done they couldn't find anything it would be so bad that my entire skeleton from like my face to my shoulders my arms fingers legs knees chins toes were in pain I couldn't even walk around the jail I couldn't go out to eat sometimes I had to stay in my bed I had to get myself my cell mate to sneak me back fool from the child hall because I was in too much too much pain to

walk and when you injure yourself in prison that's that's not a good thing because it's people who prey on them like like people who injured you got people who are on drugs in jail you got people who are in gangs and they look for people that's weak that they can pray on so if you're injured they don't care if you're a Christian they don't care if you preaching in the church or in the in the church in the jail they don't care because if they're in a gang or if they're on drugs they need to

even get their fix pay back somebody or do what they have to do for their game and they're going to choose the easiest Target so if I'm walking around limping and on crutches then they can easily take advantage of advantage of it so I wasn't going out to eat sometimes because I didn't want to be afraid to that my body would be I would literally have to cry myself to sleep so much pain I'm crying out to God like if you save me why am I going through this if you actually do love me like

you say you do why isn't this going away like I was remembering because I'm reading a word of course getting in my Bible certain things was coming to my mind that I'm asking God about like when he told Paul how many things he'll have to suffer for his name so I was like am I suffering for your name like is this what it means to suffer for your name God wasn't answering he was quiet so here I am still got this charge I'm telling people all about Jesus man I'm going through this in my body

and God hasn't answering me I don't hear his voice anymore like he spoke before I'm thinking he left because in my mind I computed if something's happening to you then I mean God has done it and he's not there like if it's not being fixed then he's not there like I compute it if something's bad happened or something wrong is happening then God is off doing something else and he allows it to happen and he don't want no parts of it that's what I thought because I still didn't have any enough experience with him like

he was teaching me at the time so I was complaining I was complaining to God crying fussing I probably called him some names I was still growing them up I probably said some things to God that and I can't remember one time where he spoke back it's quiet I wasn't used to that I was used to him good morning how you doing and talking to me and we talking about I'm reading the word and he's speaking revelating me to now I'm going through this I don't hit nothing I do realize something that was happening though

without him speaking I realized that I was still able to have faith cause I was looking back and I was even questioning myself one time man this is it's like I'm reliving it right I can I can feel the emotion of it I was asking myself why are you even why haven't you stopped I was asking myself that like if you're upset with God and God is seemingly like has left he saved you and he gone he saved you and you know he's on to the next person to say why is why haven't you stopped

going so hard for him I was asking myself that why are you still fasting and praying and worshiping God and preaching and ministering and leading people to Christ why you still going so hard and I realized that in those moments where he wasn't speaking it was like strangely taking me deeper in love with him because I realized that in those moments when I hear his voice it's it's fun it's exciting it brings Joy but then at times when he wasn't speaking I was really seeing what I was made of in him if I'm really doing

this for him and I was able to know that I'm doing it for him and it wasn't just a moment that happened and I'm just super excited and living on this Euphoria and it's high because right now I'm going through it and even till this day I still have those same complications in my body the pain of it is in there but I still have it in my body it's gotten better since then but it's still there and fast forward when it was time to face the judge for my charge I remember being in a

behind the courtroom in a bullpen right they call it a bullpen because it's like that's not the actual name of it but think about it Bulls like they're in this pen and they're all in there together right and it's like they're all waiting to be released so they call it a bullpen because it's a bunch of animals right and and people that so-called vicious in one space we're gonna be released so I was in the bullpen and I was like God whatever whatever's gonna happen today I just give you the rights to do it I

didn't want to lie about what happened I was at the point in my walk where I wasn't gonna lie I wasn't gonna make up some story and say self-def you know a whole bunch of stuff I told God that whatever I have to say I'm just going to tell the truth and whatever your decision is God I'm I'm good with that and I got sentenced to 20 years to come out of the courtroom I say my little spill with the judge because they ask you you know do you have anything to say after they sentence

you I said my spill I go back to the to the jail there was a pastor that was incarcerated I know right Pastor being incarcerated and when he saw me come back he knew I went to court when he saw me come back he asked me he was like how much time did you get how much because everybody at that time knew me for serving the lord right they knew me for praising God they knew me for being a witness for Jesus even around the whole entire jail so this pastor he was on a whole

nother tear and he knew of me so he said what happened and I told him I said I took 20 years I took a plea deal that's what I feel like God had told me to do and he was like you sure and I'm like yeah I said because I was talking to my lawyer on the phone and he asked me like did I want to take this plea deal or go to trial at first I told him I wanted to go to trial because I said I've been preaching and teaching the gospel to people

for all these months now it's time for me to show the faith to show that I believe God and for me doing that was going to trial but for some strange reason my lawyer he wasn't feeling that decision he said man you can't go to trial you can't go to trial and I'm like what's going on why are you saying that he was like please you just cannot you need to take this plea deal you cannot go to trial now it was weird because lawyers they don't get involved like that they don't give their opinion

their personal opinion so with that he's putting himself on the line for giving a personal opinion but it was I guess it was something in him trying to convince me I don't know if God was using him or not at the time he wasn't a Christian but what he said to me he was like man you've been such a witness to my life he said I don't even pay nobody no attention when they tell me they gave their life to God they're living for God they're reading their Bible they say I don't pay no man

he said because you can you imagine how many people I I serve who say that he was like but it's something different about you and in my heart right now I feel led to tell you that so I was like I don't know so I have my mom on the phone and I said Mom what you think she said whatever you feel like God is telling you son I stand by you and she told the lawyer that the lawyer went so far to say call his dad and I'm like wait something is happening on his

phone this lawyer is risking everything to convince me like and I and I felt like it didn't have to do with money it didn't have to do with anything I just felt like something is up I need to be paying attention to what he's saying but I just said I'm sorry but I'm going to trial man I'm trusting God whatever God want to do he gonna do it this way I hang the phone up I run it myself I lay down on the floor and I started crying the moment I closed my eyes I saw

a picture of a ram when I closed my eyes and I knew exactly what that meant from like reading a word because that's what happened in the Bible God used the ram so that Abraham wouldn't have to kill his son because it's a picture of Jesus being off substitute and he told Abraham he said now I know you trust me and those words ring in my head now I know you trust me so I said I ran back to the phone so fast I was like I was like Mom call Eloy back I know what

God want me to do exactly and she's like are you okay are you okay I'm like yes I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine but call her back now she called him back no answer I'm like oh my gosh call them call him again no answer I'm like oh my gosh call Mom please call back try again try again call back he answered he was like Mr Duncan I was like yes yes yes he's like man I'm walking on office right now I'm like listen I know exactly what I want to do I heard from God

I said I'm not going to trial I'm taking a plea deal to 20 years he's like are you sure I was like yes I'm positive I heard God so he was like okay praise God so then boom he was so happy so I told the pastor that that asked me right why I took the plea deal and I was and that's that's why so he was like oh man he was like no man not you you can't do 20 years man not you and in my mind I'm like I ain't nobody special man you know

I'm like whatever God got that's what he got so he walked out the room and they had this glass right that you can see outside of the room and he leaned up against the glass and he came right back in in like seconds probably like five seconds came right back in and said the Lord just told me to tell you you only gonna do 10 years and I smiled and I said praise God because you don't want to just you know deny people and stuff so I said praise God I received that praise God thank

you man thank you so I went back and like I said it's the 20 years the day comes when I have to go and where I'm going to spend my time and there's a lady walking with me she has my paperwork in her hand and she looks at me and she looks at the paperwork she looks at me and she looks at the paperwork with this strange face she shook her head and sucked her teeth smacked her teeth she said y'all kids just don't respect life and I just didn't say anything just kept walking thought

it was kind of rude for her to just blurt out but I mean I know my charge I know what I was you know guilty of so I just took it and then she say why you don't have a lot of time if you took somebody life what you told on somebody did you snitch like she was really rude and I looked at her and said what do you mean a lot of time I said 20 years is a lot of time she said you don't have 20 years she said you don't know how much

time you got I'm like yeah 20 years and she said I can't show you but I don't say that on here and I said you're gonna have to show me if something else say if you say something else on that paper so she took the paper because it has everybody that has their name in their charge and all of that stuff on it she took the paper my name was like maybe like this far from the Sheep she folded it this way then she took the bottom half and folded it this way so it could

just show my name it said my charge first degree murder and then in the last right hand corner it said one zero y r s I was like hmm kept it to myself I lead that shell I go to um because that was the processing center I lead the processing center I go to where I'm actually going to do my time and I see my case manager my case manager was a Christian too it was finally a blessing to talk to somebody in the system that's a believer so we were fellowshipping in God and she's

at the computer she's saying okay I have to send you somewhere because you have a charge like a violent charge and a murder she said I want to send you to a maximum security like a super max she said but you don't have a lot of time so she'd look around the computer and I look at her around the computer I'm like what are you what do you see and she said well you have a murder charge but you only have 10 years so it's setting on her paper back at the other jail and it

says it in her system here I say how farther your computer go back she said well it's backdated you know to the the day you got sent and I'm like it's 10 years she said yeah I have my papers from the actual day because when you get sentenced in any courtroom you have to sign the paper in the building that day at in front of the judge that you receive your sentence that you agree to it you have to sign it yourself right there I have my papers on me and I showed her and she

said well there's nothing I can do I said so you can't go in and change nothing she's like no that's illegal I'm literally trying to get her to like do something because in my mind I'm like if this is a mistake I don't want to be living in this false hope so I would rather face the reality right than to live in this false hope so I'm like do something she was like maybe your printout is a typo she said because in a system what's here is what was typed in the system that day but

I'm like but it printed out this so this was typed out and we just started praising God we just left it alone we just started praising God now um she sent me to a prison I went to a medium maximum security instead of a super max a medium maximum security is people who have violent charges but not that much time so I went there and now I'm seeing my personal case manager so I'm like all right if this state is in her system Lord man so I go see her no it was a guy I

go see him and it's the same thing so I'm pondering on it I'm like the man said the preacher said God told me to tell you only gonna do 10 years so now I have this sentence that um that's calculated from the system that says to tell your sentence when I know that I got 20 years I couldn't even enjoy the blessing though because again here's the guilt the shame the condemnation it's stirring back up God blessing me again and I'm thinking about what I did he's showing that he's good still and all I can

think about is I don't deserve it and this is gonna catch up to me I'm not thinking that God is being faithful to his word I'm not thinking that he's showing the love that he promised to show me I'm not thinking that all of the things that God is doing through my life that he's rewarded me I'm not thinking about none of that I'm thinking about this can't last because somebody like me don't deserve this you don't deserve to be blessed in this manner you have to still pay for what you've done I lived in

fear of it catching back up to me anytime they called my name for like mail I thought they was bringing me back to court to say hey we need to change something we made a mistake so when I got sent into 20 years my lawyer told me that he was gonna bring me back in about six years seven years to retry my case to see if I can get time off my sins I live with the fear of that if my lawyer was to call me then they'll realize that my sentence is is not 20

years it's only 10 years and they may feel some type of way and say oh no we're not giving him any time off his sentence and then the thing that I fear Came Upon me ain't that what job said one day I'm in Bible study I get my name called right now I Duggar legal mail uh I go to Legal mail sure enough it's a letter from my lawyer I already knew what it was I opened it up it said it said congratulations your reconsideration has been approved you will come back before the judge to

reconsider your sentence it was three days away I was like and now I'm back living in this fear this anxiety this shame this guilt this condemnation I can't even accept what God freely has for me I'm thinking that God has caused them to catch it I'm not seeing God for who he is I go to court my lawyer I'm in the bullpen my lawyer comes and says how much time would you like to ask the judge back for I said I don't know what are you thinking he says well what's your release date right now

I ain't want to tell them I mean I could have told him I said Lord I don't want to lie so I'm a star I stalled I said um in your paperwork do you do you have my papers in your file I was stalling I promise that's literally what I was saying and he said you know what it don't matter it don't matter and I was like I didn't have to lie thank you Lord he parted his lips and said I feel like we should ask for 10 years how you feel about that and when

he said that light went off again I said this has to be God I said because they already it was 10 years already basically disappeared out of the system and I already have paperwork that says my release date is upon a 10-year sentence so if they was to go inside of the courtroom and take away 10 years off the 20 that they sentenced me to when it print out it's going to be the same printout that I already have there's not going to be anything that changed for me I was already doing the 10 years

since so I said let's do that I immediately was happy we I stormed in that courtroom with so much confidence in God and I felt all that love again I felt the fact that he cared again it wasn't that he didn't I just had to understand in this moment that God isn't against me he's for me the things that I'm thinking my past that I'm that it's hard for me to get over that's not God reminding me of that stuff and God isn't holding back things or being quiet to me because he's causing me to

pay for something that I did I just have to grow in God in certain ways that God knows that's gonna force you to grow so in that moment I was happy I went in there I still before that judge and he said I remember you and that was shocking I said how he said because when I asked people what do they have to say when I sentenced them some people cursed me he said some people don't say they say some people just pass out because they get a lot of time he says and you had

got a lot of time 20 years he says but what you said to me stuck with me now I don't even remember what I said he said but it stuck to him he said he never forgot it so he was like talk to me about why you're here today I told him why we was here my lawyer came in and spoke he asked my lawyer how much time were we thinking about reconsidering my lawyer said 10 years the judge looked at me smiled and said you got it just like it was that fast he was

like you got it he said I believe in you I said wow and that was I walked up to the thing to the to the bench I signed the new papers and they said that I have now a 10-year sentence because of reconsideration is a term where once you get sentenced by Court they have options later on down the road that you can appeal for and have a reconsideration of your time that you were sentenced to meaning whether you were doing things good in a jail or whether you they feel you are are rehabilitated and

your life has changed and you're a better person the judge allows you to come and present to him why he should reconsider the time he gave you and they can give you a new time right and the powerful thing about that is it's like a rule of thumb it's not a rule but it's like a rule of thumb it's an unspoken rule on a reconsideration you don't ask for more time than what you already have in usually how much time you have they bring you back right before the halfway mark so I I had 20

years and 10 years would be half so I went and I had six years at that time so you don't ask for anything more than six years because he's like why would you want more time off your sentence than you did on your sins so to ask for 10 years would be like so you're trying to come off your sentence and it looks like to the judge that you don't want to do the time for your crime like you just went off so to ask for 10 years then I only had six in would be

like rude to X you even asked for six or less but I just knew it was God God did it in a way where it just had to be him all the way around the board and then what I didn't know at the time was the judge said it in front of me in the courtroom he said and he said I don't know if you know Mr the Duggar but I have a letter in front of me from the prosecutor at that moment I'm like oh man what is about to happen now he said I'ma

read it to you it was short but basically this is what it said the prosecutor wrote my lawyer and the judge without me knowing after I got sentenced to the 20 years six years ago he said please accept this letter as a recommendation on behalf of Raynard Duggar that when he comes for his reconsideration that you will reconsider his time the prosecutor the one who was just calling me a murderer saying I was a menace to the community and wanting me to get the highest amount of time on my sins on a day that I

got sentenced he wrote a letter to the judge to say I believe in the change in this man's life the prosecutor and I was like I was floored God is so amazing now here it is I'm doing this this time and God reconsidered the time God did man didn't even though I had to go back to court and make it like official it was already written in heaven and God made it official before it even happened in the natural God did it and because of 10-year sentence and I had six years in already because of

all the good time I had I was eligible to come home eight months later when I came home six years and eight months on a 20th Cents by the grace of God all God no good time no parole I actually got denied parole but coming home I realize I was like it's time to run for Jesus out here malinka with people lingo with church and we're gonna be gonna fire for God because in prison to my fire man the reason that God had his name spreading throughout the jail using my life is because of the

fire of God that was in that place Miracles officers would come on their lunch breaks just to see if we were having Bible study at the time and we wanted to stand by and listen wanted to see if we were praising God on a tear and wanted to come and listen fire people don't play about God in prison because that's really all you got so I'm like man I'm gonna come out here connect with people and be on fire man I couldn't wait but then it shocked me it was hard to find the fire out

here I mean people love God and you see people going to church but I remember I went to church and the church was on fire but then after church everybody's back to their normal life and it's like they're waiting for Sonny to come again and I'm used to having three services a day on a tier every day I was managed God had me ministering three times a day every single day for years straight I mean I know we had the time to do it but I'm used to people being willing and ready to just go

for Jesus all day every day and I had an Awakening but I also had to stop and think that okay ray you were in this situation where you had time and now I realize that it's not that maybe people are not on fire for God but life is smothering their fire because they're busy and even in my own life I started to see I got a job I got married praise God had a child and now I'm busy and it's like the the habits the the things that I was doing for God it didn't do

window but it like it wasn't as much it slowed down my prayers went from 5 a.m to like 7 30 because I'm not getting up as early because I gotta go to work and it started to frustrate me spiritually because I can remember and I have this I still have this desire and this hunger but life is now happening so now I'm trying to figure out how do I keep this fire burning while life is happening how do I keep going hard for God when I have other decisions to make and then now I have

to choose between God and the rest of my life it was tough I went through a season where feel like I was like trying to spark I didn't have a flame it's like it's like this trying to spark me and God I'm hitting we hitting I still feel his presence we hitting but it's just a spark and I had to figure out a way to stay on fire I know one thing I never wanted my testimony to be and I know some people may have this and praise God but for me personally like before when

before I was in Christ I never wanted my testimony to be a certain way and in Christ I didn't want my testimony to be that I'm not on fire for God anymore that it was a jailhouse religion that's what they call it they say I have family members say it to my face yeah let's see how how hard you go for God now I have friends that looked at me like it's only a matter of time before he be back out here and it was those things that motivated me to say nah God is too

real for what they saying it's not even about me I had to realize yes God gives us life we have life to live in the in behind those walls we have life we have jobs behind that you have school you have real school like college you can go to college like real colleges you can sign up if they accept you then you're in college you have family that you still take care of because most people that get locked up and they still have to provide for their family from behind the wall they have to work

a job and send the money home because the family needed but out here it's more so I had to learn that it's not about me like I didn't start this fire tried to tell myself don't get back into that space of shaming yourself feeling guilty and condemned don't do that I never wanted to do that again once God freed me from that I was determined to never enter that space again in my mind I'm gonna believe God for who he say he is in my life and it literally has nothing to do with me he

chose me he started the fire it's like I'm the match Faith was the master board and he ignited the flame because if he don't present the flame it's you just gonna keep striking he's the flame and now I'm on fire for God so I had to realize my fire wasn't based off the things I was doing and how much time I was spending it was because he was the flame that was joining me in those times so I say oh my life is Ministry my life is God okay so when I'm driving when I'm on

a train if I'm on a bus when I'm at work sitting at the computer in a grocery store I just involve God I don't feel like I'm robbing god of time because I'm doing something else I just involve him in it you're in it and when he's in it the flame can hit it you know I said Thank You Lord I got it I got it so I stopped thinking that I had to perform I stopped thinking that I had to show God that I can put all of this effort in right and please him

I went right back to the beginning sitting on my bump there has to be another way I didn't say there has to be Jesus out there I didn't say God if you're out there I simply said it has to be another way and then he said try me because he said he is the way so I went back to that I said Okay God you're the way you lead the way just keep your fire on it he's been faithful to do it have I had difficult times of course there's been times when jobs turned me

down I mean I'm fasting for jobs things that I thought was so ideal for my family I'm fast and praying they look at my thing and say sorry we don't hire felons and I'm like God I'm fat I fasted I prayed I saw you I turned down good food times was rough I actually got hired at Walmart and I was working for about four days they were still processing my paperwork and then when my paperwork processed they fired me because it came back that I was offended but they already hired me I could have looked

at God and was like Here We Go Again God you're troubling me again you want me to pay for something again God what did I do now I said nah you know what God said try me he's the way so I said you know what that's right God you're the way if this isn't if this didn't come through I'm not going to just try to encourage myself by saying oh God must have something better in store right no I I face reality it didn't come to pass I said because I'm your son I said yeah

you may have something better but it's the fact it's just a simple fact that it didn't come through because you didn't want it to I don't know what you have in store for me but it's not that because God my ways I'm letting you control it and because I gave it to you that's just what it is and if there's a better way praise God and if it's something else that's not quote unquote better because to be honest Walmart could have been better than some another opportunity but just because a different opportunity is looks different

than what you think is the better opportunity I would rather have the the one that God says I'm supposed to have because with him in it that's what makes it better so I was fine I had to walk to work plenty of times for an hour walking in the snow one time the soul of my shoe came off I'm watching people driving past just feeling like man I'm in I'm close to my neighborhood too so I'm thinking somebody gonna see me recognize me man look at him walking in the snow that was kind of embarrassing

but again stood up straight and said God you control my waist I walked to work for my I would say about four or five months straight in the snow in the cold in the rain one day it was raining so bad I had to call my parents to bring me a change of clothes when I got to work sometimes you still may go through when you're serving the lord but I understood that I'm not going back I Remember My Vow that I made to him I said I ain't never leaving you and I meant that

because if God would be God to me and save me the way that he did let me go where can I go and now living for the Lord I've been home six years now I believe I've been home more time that I've been locked up now so now that time is actually like it erased itself now I can look back and say I served my time I've been home for more days than I was in and God has continued to be faithful I realize that when you're called by God and when he calls you it

don't matter what nobody gotta say it's his voice that matters sometimes I still think back and say somebody lost their life so I could be saved I don't get that but it's not really for me to get because it's I'm here and it happened I accept it I pray for everyone that I've ever crossed paths with I pray but I know God called why he fully called me it's still unfolding but I know he hasn't forsaken me still using me and I'm I can say that I'm blessed I struggled a lot with calling myself blessed

because I didn't feel blessed I felt like a murderer to be honest though I know he saved me I still felt like a criminal I still felt like a murderer because though his presence was real what I did also felt real and I was still like living with this question that'll go unanswered about why but one question I did get answered was when I said there has to be another way it was it was him it was Jesus when he said try me I literally do that every day man for the past six years I

just been trying him I just been trying them and I don't let the good times make me forget that every day he wants me to try him because there's something new every day that he want to show me about so I don't let the good days make me feel like I've arrived I Rejoice I'm glad but I make sure that I continue to seek Him diligently and try him what do you have today and I don't let the discouraging I don't let the bad days discourage me anymore make me feel like he's left me because

he's still saying try me in that too as well so my life before Jesus it's nothing like it is now his presence has been everything for me and I realized that once he came into my life my identity changed I had to really accept that people would try to remind me who I was but I had to realize that um when you become a new creature and Jesus that's for real and that's how I live my life I live my life off of that truth off those two words every day I live by I stand

on two words left foot on try right foot on me and I stand on that and I'm grateful no Reynard did you get a chance to share a moment with the family of of the the person who lost their life that has been a desire of mass but the answer is no if the family's watching right now if friends maybe that knew this person right this life if they're watching right now what can you tell them um watching right now I will say I know you may want to turn this off you probably still watched

it because God has you still watch it I would say that God don't be angry at God don't be angry with him God has plans that's above hours and I know seeing me having to look at me someone who's responsible for taking someone's life that you love it's the last thing that you thought you would even be faced with and I'm not going to sit here and try to make you feel better or try to appease any anger you may have you have a right to be angry you have a right to be upset and

raised I want to say this my apologies is not enough I do regret that decision I had no hate in my heart to water no animosity there was nothing in me that wanted him to die in particular it was a moment that happened and if it brings any type of comfort any answer Comfort I would say that I have the deepest regret and wish that it never had happened but I do also believe that God had a plan even in that situation and if you can just not turn and hear it for another second because

when I say that I it's hard for me to understand how I got saved that someone lost their life as I said it I was immediately reminded that that is the story of salvation that Christ died for us to be saved and I know it may be difficult to hear from me but truth no matter who it comes from is still true his passing can be salvation for many God has worked and is still willing to work through his life through his life with Minds connected to it yes there was trauma at the source of

it but God has changed the trauma into testimony that his life and the story of God's salvation through what happened can lead many people to Christ not only that but just know my prayer has always been that in his absence God will be present for your family and I believe with my heart of hearts that it has and that it will continue that salvation has come to your house and that the presence of the Lord will rest with you be with you and that your house will be saved so that when you think about your

loved one the joy of salvation is coupled with it I pray you can receive that Reynard who is Jesus to you Jesus my buddy okay I need my bunk buddy your boat buddy is somebody who you like immediately have to trust because it's you too all right you might not know him from a kind of paint but now you live together so it's like when I met him I know nothing about it but I'm like you're here now we living this life together you my monk buddy we're sharing everything together be looking out for each

other and yeah he lives with me and I live with him small bug ready aren't any last words for people who are watching your testimony right now I would say try him if those words work for me I know they'll transcend and work for you and what it looks like to try him is simply allowing him to be who he said he gonna be listen circumstances situations we all have stuff but one thing about God one thing about Jesus he's the answer when I said there has to be another way if you're thinking about another

way it's Jesus he's that way if you need out of something if you're trying to get into something if you need whatever's happening in your life to go right to be fixed if you need salvation listen he's the only way and it's proofing that because he'll prove himself skill my chance to do it you'll see