Orgasm Queen: Do This For 20 Minutes Before Having Sex & Have Sex With Them Like When You First Met!

nobody even knows there's over 20 kinds of orgasms that you can have there's that's a oneand done but then there's oh oh oh oh oh that's the queen of orgasms and to achieve that there are very specific techniques that work and it's not what you see on porn Dr Susan Bratton is a world-renowned sex specialist and best-selling author of over 30 books and programs and for over two decades her expertise has empowered Millions to master pleasuring techniques bedroom communication and unlock their true sexual potential why did you focus on sex as a career well I

was 12 years into our marriage we had a beautiful daughter gorgeous home but I never had an orgasm from intercourse and we thought there was something wrong with me but this is not unique so many of us have had problems with sex and once we got some skills it just lit our sex life on fire so here are 48 of my best sex techniques number one number two you have to number three it's something that I love to teach men and then there's these toys that I want to show you what is that this is

a device that no one's ever seen before wow doesn't that feel so good Susan this is the first time we've ever done this we reached out to some of our audience to send us their questions okay let's unpack this let's start with this has always blown my mind a little bit 53% of you that listen to the show regularly haven't yet subscribed to the show so could I ask you for a favor before we start if you like the show and you like what we do here and you want to support us the free simple

way that you can do just that is by hitting the Subscribe button and my commitment to you is if you do that then I'll do everything in my power me and my team to make sure that this show is better for you every single week we'll listen to your feedback we'll find the guest that you want me to speak to and we'll continue to do what we do thank you so much Susan what do you do and why do you do it well I teach passionate love making techniques by publishing books and programs and audios

and uh I do it because my passion is Passion uh I like to say that uh my brand of sexual education is heart-c connected conscious passionate loving making which is very different than transactional sex or sex that looks like pornography if if someone comes to you and they say I'm struggling with my sex life in some way or I'm not at my sexual potential what can you do for me how would you answer that question well I'd say sex is such a vast landscape and people enter into it from so many different directions that often

when someone is saying that their sex life isn't as good as they want it to be I have to ask them what's it like what do they want what's the vision that they're holding for themselves and often I recently had a young woman come to me and say um all my friends talk about sex being so great but I haven't experienced that and I wonder if I'm asexual because it's just not that good for me it just seems like it's so fast and hurried and and I I don't know I just I just don't I'm

worried maybe something's wrong with me that's what that's what women think a lot is they think there's something wrong with them but remember I I'm not a therapist so I don't sit in a room with a client and unearth all of the issues that they have what I do is I author passionate love making techniques I teach you how to have really good bedroom communication how to know what you want and ask for it conf ID have your partner love for you to ask them for what you want feel good about it not like they

did anything wrong and then know a whole bunch of pleasuring techniques how their bodies work what what the possibilities are because if you're thinking about sexuality because sex has been so censored nobody even knows what's possible if I say to someone you know there's over 20 kinds of orgasms that you can have they'll be like what and especially men they don't even they think there's one maybe two uh where women are like there's 20 they are at least aware that there's more than one or two that they could have these different you know kinds of

orgasms and so once you understand the communication piece and you understand the pleasure piece then you can understand what's possible and then you can begin to try things okay so you get an email in your inbox and it's from a woman yeah if you had to bet yeah what that question in that email was and all you know that is that it's from A lady called Suzanne what would your guess be my libido is gone and um I feel really guilty I feel really bad I'm not interested in sex or I there's something wrong with

me I'm unhappy I'm un filled I don't feel like what I'm doing is right that's most common with women and if the email came in from a guy called David mhm what would you think is before you click the email what do you think he's asking you sexual biohacking erectile dysfunction penis enlargement male enhancement all of those kinds of things guys h a lot of men ask me about I think there's something wrong with my penis uh so that would be the number one thing that would be most likely to be in my inbox but

the second thing would be something around either I H I have some shame around part of my desire or I'm frustrated with my partner that I'm not having the kind of sex that I want what do I do to fix it so fixing fixing things people are writing for fixing things whe whether it's men or women that's that's what they reach out with our our problems quality and quantity or one more than the other I would say quality generally more so than qu quantity you can fix when you fix quality right quantity quality comes before

quantity that's true yeah you have a a really atypical journey to becoming a sex per it's not something that you You' studied when you were younger in college or something it's not something that you were it's not sort of an off Branch to some psychology degree you were doing you became aert at what age 42 is when I went on my sexual expansion journey and started my company shortly after that why sex why in your early 40s did you decide to focus on sex when previously your career had been about many other things did something

happen yeah it did right I was married to Tim my husband sir Tim he's the prince among men I've been with him for 33 years now and we were 12 years into our marriage we were a very successful Silicon Valley company my husband invented rapid the first first the like the O the OG Spotify so we were both in high tech having IPOs doing incredibly well we had a beautiful daughter we had a gorgeous home overlooking the entire Silicon Valley it was just incredible but we had become platonic not for my husband's lack of trying

to have sex with me but I just I I just I had sex with with him for a dozen years and I never had an orgasm from intercourse I could have an orgasm from a vibrator but I couldn't have one from intercourse and I'd had some sexual trauma as a child as well which honestly the majority of people have had sexual trauma whether it's simple repression or actual physical abuse of some kind so many of us have had trouble and not just women men too people across the Spectrum have had you know things happen happened

to them and I avoided him for sex what did your sexual trauma teach you about sex well it taught me that I am who I've always been inside myself and that no one can take away who I am and my power and my sovereignty I've learned that one can move through and heal from trauma and that it takes both talk therapy and empathy from someone as well as somatic release physical body release and that often our greatest wound can become our greatest gift which is what that trauma did for me the trauma itself mhm what

did that traumatic experience convince you that sex was or wasn't I always liked sex and I refused to let that trauma hurt my sex life but the the problem was that I ended up doing something called dissociating during intimacy and so if you kind of leave the scene emotionally and you're just there physically you really don't get that thing that heart connection you don't find your Humanity in your lover you can't really touch Source through your connection can you explain that to me dissociation cuz I think yeah I've heard people tell me privately that that's

the issue that they had in their sex life for many many years with that they were basically disassociated from it what is that it's where you kind of you just check out you just you're go you go through the motions physically but you're not emotionally there it's protection against being heard again so once I learned that that's what I was doing my husband would help me Tim would help me come back to him come back to him come back to him and then we start started going to sex workshops we went beyond therapy and we

started going to sex workshops and we learned how to have sex and by sex I don't necessarily just mean intercourse we we learned all kinds of things we went to Tantra workshops we went to sex love and intimacy from the human awareness Institute we did ecstatic loving we did orgasmic meditation we did all kinds of things and it just lit our sex life on fire once we got some skills we were the blind leading the blind everybody's the blind leading the blind everybody we don't see any good examples of heart-c connected passionate lovemaking we don't

see them in film in the movies we don't see them in pornography all of that is male patriarchal religiously repressed styles of sex rather than female focused heart connect did Blissful slow pleasurable sex highly orgasmic sex so I think what what happened for us was we had such good sex so easily once someone told us what to do that we said oh well he's already you know sending MP3s all over the Internet and I'm already sending video all over the Internet with cable modems why don't we bring all these courses online because very few people

are going to go to a sex Workshop number one it costs money number two you have to be able to do it number three it's scary it's really scary to take off all your clothes and go to a sex workshop and do Hands-On techniques in a room full of sweaty people you know there's a lot to it right and so we said why don't we put this on the internet because that's what we're good at let's put programs on the internet that people can access from anywhere in the world and learn how to make love

together learn organ techniques and communication skills and pleasuring how the Body Works in ways that will take them to places they never even imagined were possible zooming on on that moment where you and Tim are struggling in the bedroom yeah how long had it been since you you had had sex or how often were you having sex at that point well it petered out over time so when we first met we had great new relationship energy we we were having sex but it was it was the kind of sex that I would call these days

grab a boob and stick it in very intercourse focused I know exactly like and you know I love intercourse I teach intercourse skills because what you see modeled is really oh man it's like kindergarten what you see out in the market out in the world and so how do you have this massively exquisitely orgasmic mutually pleasurable intercourse you just need to learn a couple things that's the great thing about sex it's like have you ever heard that phrase a little hinge that swings a big door it's like it's like an example of Leverage right one

little hinge and a giant door how's that little hinge swing that giant door that's what sex actually is if somebody tells you what to do because I mean my operating system and your operating system are like everybody's operating systems right it the human body works the way the human body does and so women who are walking around going I'm broken I can't have an orgasm from intercourse and and her husband's like well I guess you can't but we're still going to have intercourse anyway I say to them yes you can you just need to learn

how you just need to cross the gasm chasm close that orgasm Gap and so if I can get more people to understand that if something isn't good that they just haven't had it good yet that's I think one of the biggest messages I can give to your audience is just keep learning keep learning new skills but don't miss all the other things I'll give you an example of something in sex that really chaps my lips and that is this idea that there's foreplay and sex that comes right out of religious repression because sex is for

procreation only so the only thing matters is sex and sex is intercourse heck no sex is everything sex is a hot make out sex is rubbing our bodies together sex is words of appreciation adoration encouragement it's langor as kissing it's stroking each other it's oral pleasuring it's interourse it's playing with toys it's sex in new locations it's you know film ing yourselves and watching it while you're holding each other later and going oh you know what the best moment for me was no tell me the best moment for me was XYZ and you're like are

you K that was your best moment yeah what was your best moment my best m i mean those are the things that make sex great that make you want to have it again in that moment when you and Tim hadn't been having sex so you sex had completely dried up I really avoided him as much as I possibly could I was giving him what I now call Mercy sex what is that Mercy sex well it's like well he's going to be a miserable man if I don't throw him a bone once in a while how

often was once in a while oh God like couple times a month at the worst Yeah couple times a month at the worst once every other week or yeah like every week or 10 days I'd be like all right I got to do it again and how did you feel at the time guilty and he was like I wonder if I married a lesbian like he I couldn't believe I didn't want to have sex but at the start of the relationship you did or you were just kind of the problem is the new relationship energy

wears often when you have absolutely no skill neither of you know what you're doing and it's not good for her how long is she going to want to keep doing it you know what's funny I have one of the programs that I wrote really early on is a program called revive her drive and it's a sneaky little name because guys will buy it and I say to them this program won't help you if sex has never been good you need a therapist but if sex used to be good and now it's not you can fix

it and so they buy it thinking they're going to revive her drive they're going to fix her and when and then they're like oh you sneaky little devil you fixed me it was me I just was treating I was like trying to have sex with my wife like she's a dude and now I understand what what what her body wants and now I know what she needs for me and and she loves sex now so that is very very common but you had to fix your trauma as well in your situation I did and how

did you go about fixing that I I did a number of things um the first thing that I did was I worked with a sexual trauma therapist and I also worked with someone who does more of a little bit of a different method called the circling method and I uh also worked with some sematic therapists over the years it was pretty quick for me I'm very lucky and and I don't want to I don't want to say that it's as easy for other people as it is for me I'm a I'm a fast changer I

have a lot of behavioral flexibility and I'm very comfortable in discomfort I'm very comfortable Crossing aasm very comfortable in uncertainty I think because I grew up in Silicon Valley my career in in in my 20s and 30s was Silicon Valley and it's always changing it's always like you know oh we're doing this now you know it's always a so and also a lot of people have trouble because of their genetic Snips because they have serotonin Pathways where when they've experienced trauma every time they think about it it feels like a raw wound they can't get

over it because every time they think about it it's like it's a fresh cut not that's not me so I was able to move through things and mostly what helped me was being able to say I remember one of the one of the things I had to do was I had to write down every single sexual trauma Injustice frustration wound hurt pain that I'd ever experienced and I thought oh this is really going to make me sick and my therapist said it won't it won't don't worry just get it out I want you to come

back on our next appointment and I want you to tell me every single thing I want to witness it I want to know what you've been through I want you to remember it all and we're going to put it behind you and that was very very helpful for me finally someone heard everything that I had gone through and all the things that had been done to me and all the injustices that had happened to me and it really helped me move through it but not that's not the right therapy for any everyone people need different

types of therapy and remember I'm not a therapist so what I do is I deal in the how do you have hot sex not in the let me fix your problem I had to fix my problems to learn about it but once I did I was like tell I want to know all about how to have the best sex that keeps getting better what does that take and that's been my Decades of study how did you know you had a problem and how did you know you had something that needed to be healed and and

it wasn't just you know Tim's a little bit I'm just not attracted to Tim anymore or maybe I just don't like sex how did you know how did you have the awareness to even go to a therapist because we thought there was something wrong with me and so we went to a therapist and she said okay well tell me what what your sex is like and I started telling her and she said okay let's unwind this let's unpack this let's heal all of this and how did you get to the point that you knew that

the trauma was at the heart of many of these challenges all she had to do was ask me what my sex life had been like and what I'd gone through and I told her all the injustices and the horrible things that had happened to me which are not unique I the thing about me is that I'm pretty much just like everybody else I'm not special in any way the only thing that's special about me is that I have the courage to talk about things that a lot of people don't they feel embarrassed that's just my

I don't know when you say sexual Injustice and Trauma give me a give give me a menu of things that someone at home who's trying to understand if those things might have had an impact on their sex drive sure it can be anything from um never knowing how your parts work or what the names of them are or understanding how your body works it could be uh that you that sex is bad or uh shaming it could be uh and this is something that many people struggle with and that is my parents never told me

about sex and they never showed that they were sexual I feel like I came from a very stoic uh repressed best family and it's impacted my sex life and one of the things that I often have to say to people is your mom and your dad did the best they could do they didn't know anything they were probably kids themselves and they loved you they just weren't equipped to help you with this not only that but it's not really their job your sexuality and your sex life is your job and when you take it on

as something that's a part of what you have to learn like the things you do for your career or the things that you do to support your family and when you put it in that bucket and you let go of the victim mindset and the victim mentality and you say okay what do I need to do what is right what is possible then you get into the fun Parts you can move move through the trauma so it could be abuse it could be repression it could be shame it could be lack of knowledge which lack

of knowledge creates fear fear is the enemy of pleasure so once you start teaching people about their bodies about pleasure but we know that there's nature and there's nurture around sexuality too the nature is how my parts work versus Your Parts work and I'd really like to talk to you about that because I think that's one of those little hinges that swings big doors once you start to understand the difference between male and female arousal you can begin to have much better sex to together because when you don't understand you're doing you know you know

the Golden Rule Do un others as you'd have them do unto you that's what most people do in sex they treat their partner the way they want to be treated instead of treating their partner the way their partner needs to be treated that's the Platinum role so I've just got two more questions on this point before we move on to some of these real specific things we've been talking about I read that Tim cheated on you at the time he was having an affair I don't even like that word really no because I I actually

I remember when I found out that Tim was having a relationship with a woman who was also in a sexless marriage and we were in what was basically a sexless marriage at the time how did you find out he told me he came clean and he told me and I remember the shame and I felt like it was my fault that I'd not been a good wife when I look back at it what I realized was that he was just trying to cope he loved me and he loved our family and he he just wanted

to feel pleasure and connection and he wasn't getting that from me and for some reason it is just easier for women to give up their sexuality than for men generally I want to say one thing about everything I'm going to say on your show and that is that sex is a bell bell curve there are people at one end of the spectrum and the other but I'm almost always just talking to the big bell curve in the middle the average dude and his lady that's that's where my sweet spot is so when he when he

was having that Affair all he was trying to do was stay in the marriage and not be miserable and once I got right with that and I realized he didn't do anything to me and I didn't even look at it I don't even look at it as cheating I literally look at it as that man was still trying to stay married to me he loved me and so it was it was our mutual problem which was a lack of knowledge he didn't understand how my body worked I didn't understand how my body worked once we

learned that we learned technique and I was able to stay present and connected with him and not leave my body in worry that something bad was going to happen when it started to be pleasurable instead of me just servicing my husband did you separate when he told you that or did you stay together well there was a moment where in the beginning when he told me that he was seeing someone else I thought maybe it's best that we stop being together and I remember that he had packed up his things and he was driving out

of our house and I was standing at the doorway of my big beautiful Silicon Valley mansion in the height of my career my little daughter our little daughter was standing there 6 years old and she had this little blankie that she loved you know how kidss love their blankies and she had it had this little soft satin border on it and she would rub it on her lip to kind of soothe herself and she was holding my hand and she was rubbing that blanket on her lip and daddy drove around to the side to the

front of the house and he stopped and he was looking out the window and he was waving goodbye and she said but this gets me every time I do every time I even think about this moment in my life she's like but will you still be my daddy and I was like oh what am I doing I love this guy how did we get here I can't ruin her I can't I could never do better than search him I could never do better than him he is an amazing human being my God Stephen he's been

The Wind Beneath My Wings my for more than half my life I've known him for longer than I have haven't now he's the solid you know person I sit on top of that get allows me to be out here in the world giving people hope and instructions on how to have what I have which is amazing and so when I when she said that I said turn around come back we got to fix it and I had seen all of our friends were getting divorced and it wasn't money cuz we were all making money it

was silicon Val Valley in the do era and uh so he came back we said what are we going to do about it and we started therapy and then we started going to sex workshops and within I mean months it sorted itself out and we started having great sex did your sex life change in terms of the Dynamics of it you in a monogamous relationship we were in a monogamous relationship for many years but but we opened our relationship when we got really good in bed together we were like hey this is so much fun

let's have some sex with some other people and so we did and it was not without its challenges it's never without its challenges when you you know when you go beyond the scope of monogamy but um I don't regret any of it even the bad parts and what is that called because there's all these names for different relationship Dynamics do you have a name for it well the if you think about it as a tree yeah there's it's non- monogamy is the tree it could be called ethical non- monogamy or consensual non-monogamy there's there's polyamory

there's open relationships there's Lifestyles and swingers and the pineapple people there's you know all kinds of things and then there's my latest favorite flavor which is kind of a new flavor and that is because i' I've been in an open relationship with my husband for over two decades now so for 20 years 20 out of 33 years we've been open longer than we've been closed and we were shepherded by people who are uh now in their 70s and ' 80s who are still in their open relationships and they taught us a lot about what to

do to keep ourselves safe both physically and emotionally which is something interesting and the one that I'm enjoying right now is relationship Anarchy that's what you call it that's what people call some some people call it that and I and that's one of the FL that's one of the branches on the tree of non- monogamy and the thing that I want to say about non- monogamy whatever flavor you like is that two things number one I'm not here to tell anyone that what I do is better than what they do I am not a polyamorous

proponent or any of those things it's just what I do but Steve I mean I'm a sexer I'm I stand up here telling you that I can teach you how to be better in bed than you are if I only had one partner how much could I know every single partner I've ever had I've had them safely using safe sex techniques which I'd love to explain to you and I've had so many incredible experiences who initiates that conversation in your relationship because I think this is the first challenge in most relationships is figuring out like

how do you go about having that conversation with someone without them butting your head off potentially well here's an interesting thing one of the things that really helped us save our marriage at the time that we went to the therapists and we went to the sex workshops we did another thing we did uh one of our friends um W uh was a coach for Brad Blandon and he wrote a book called radical honesty and we said Tim and I said look we just have to be totally honest with each other we've been pussyfooting sugar coating

withholding you know for 12 years now 14 years we've got to be honest if we're going to save our marriage and so we started the practice of telling the truth because my god when you start actually trying to tell the truth you realize how societally imem embedded not telling the truth is what was the most painful truth he told you maybe just the one that he that he was with someone else might have been the worst one and I felt so much Shame about that like I'd done something wrong but nothing it turns out the

truth is Juicy exciting interesting offensive no no no because if it's said with love if think if honest honesty doesn't have to be mean honesty is just Your Truth your boundaries your desires your your foibles your you know what's the most offensive TR like someone someone turns to my partner turns to me and goes listen you you are out of shape and I'm just not feeling it yeah well why wouldn't your partner turned to you and say first of all you're not you're absolutely gorgeous but if in fact you feel like your partner is is

not taking care of themselves um it would be more kind to say I'm worried about about your health I don't think you're taking care of yourself well enough and I love you and I want you to do a better job how can I support you you know what you can love me more fully if you know exactly who I am and where my boundaries and edges are and and you get to honor and respect those then you know you're loving me exactly the way I want you to love me or I can decide I don't

love you I guess yeah you could decide you don't love me yeah that's okay hey I'm not for everyone and I'm okay with that too so how did you come to be polyamorous polyamorous right um well we started to have experiences with people was it your idea or his idea it was our mutual idea because we had gone to workshops where we had experienced light with groups of people like I remember one time I was at a workshop and there were four of us paired together and Tim was in a different group and we were

doing like sensation play where one person would lie down and receive sensation and the other three people would give it to them and at the same time that they were giving them sensation like oh rubbing your feet playing with your boobs you know whatever kissing or stroking your hair or whatever and then they would also give you an angel shower they would tell all at the same time they would tell you things they loved about you things that they thought were really attractive about you or things that they'd noticed about you and when you get

an angel shower from a group of people you you can't negate it it goes in because there's so much kindness coming at you that you're defenseless against it and so you kind of take it in instead of going oh no no that's not true that's not true that's what people are taught to do it's like one of my favorite games that I like to teach people is a game called three things I love about you and Tim and I have been playing it for decades now and whenever I want I say to him can you

tell me three things that you love about me and I particularly like it when we start our love making dates because I notice that I I really need that reassurance that I'm loved and appreciated and so I'll want him to tell me three things that he loves about me and we have this little the little part of our game is never say the same thing twice so for decades we've been telling each other what we love about each other and not repeating things and when you really start to get good at offering up love and

noticing what you love about someone um you just you're in love more you're just in love with people more you're in love instead of in judgment we reached out to some of our audience ahead of this conversation and we asked them to send us their questions okay and then my team sat down with some of these individuals we masked them through using some actors um and got them to say we got them to talk about some of the problems they have in their lives this is the first time we've ever done this so I wanted

to play to you some of the challenges that they have especially I'm going to play one that kind of overlaps with the experience you went through with Tim yeah my name is Eliza I um I'm in my 40s I'm a mother of two lovely little girls and that big question I have is how can I find that intimacy again with someone that has just been so disconnected so is she saying that her partner is disconnected and she wants to find her way back to intimacy with her partner I'm going to play you a few more

from Eliza because I think this will help sort of uh Phil theix will puzzle a little bit um there's another one here work um doctor's appointments and yeah we get very little time together the two of us and I think it's really easy to just pass like ships in the night and it'd be nice to have a conversation that wasn't about what's for dinner or you know what the kids have going on the next day I really miss having real conversations I don't remember the last time we had one is that a familiar situation yeah

especially during the time of children raising um you think about your sexuality and eras generally your your 20s you don't know nothing from nothing and it's all new and exciting and you know you're just finding out what it's like and experimenting in your 30s you're if you're going to have your children that's typically when most people are having them now and um you know all of a sudden you have no sleep you're exhausted those kids are just like draining you and you can barely keep up and your relationship heads South your sexual relationship heads South

um by the time you're in your 40s you're like wait a minute I've got to fight for my sex life now I mean like I can't let it go you begin to realize that you've missed a lot and you want more in your 50s you think to yourself oh I better get it now because I'm gonna get old and die and in your 60s you go oh I'm I'm still alive and I did get some good sex and I it is good and I'm looking forward to my ' 70s and my 80s too you know

so if you keep your body in good shape I mean that's quite a pertinent point because one of the things Eliza said yeah is this I think one thing that I wasn't prepared for at all was how much my body was going to change I mean everything changed like my I it got to the point where I didn't recognize I don't recognize my own body anymore I don't feel comfortable my body doesn't feel like it's mine and I've really fallen out of love with me and with my body estrogen is a molecule a hormone of

of protection because women are prey and men are predators in the general scheme of things we have to be very very careful and so estrogen protects us in many many ways and one of the ways that it does is it makes us judgmental makes us judgy and one of the ways that spills over is that we become judgy about ourselves and we become very judgy about our bodies we have body image issues that we fight against and she Eliza is probably beautiful but she doesn't think she is she thinks that she doesn't look good anymore

and then she thinks that makes her less desirable her husband likely is working very hard and kind of has thrown himself into work and he's probably an overwhelm as well trying to do all of this and he feels disconnected from her and so he's probably feeling pretty lost and he doesn't know how to get back to her either he doesn't have the skills to do that and one of the things that I often say to women especially is that sex is a mindfulness practice you just have to keep bringing yourself back to connection to your

heart you have to bring yourself back to your husband nobody cares what your body looks like it's a it's your it's your cell bag you got 72 trillion cells there they are take good care of them you got only so much time enjoy your life when you're stressed and you're producing cortisol and adrenal adaline and you're exhausted this is when you need to say I really need to have some good orgasms I really need to be held by my husband on these body image issues is it usually the person saying they're unhappy with their own

body or is it the partner saying they're unhappy with their partner's body it's almost always the woman saying she doesn't think she looks good and I would say the large majority of the partners say she looks great to me I picked her cuz I like the way she looked she still looks good to me is it ever the guy saying he doesn't like how he looks not that often because testosterone has rosec colored lenses testosterone makes you the warrior the single-minded focus you know how if a guy is doing something you can't interrupt him with

another thing because he's on the task and women are multitaskers their eyes their eyes and ears are on everything that's the difference between testosterone and estrogen and so he thinks he looks better than he does and she thinks she looks worse than she does if they now feel like two ships passing in the night as Eliza said in that video yeah what is step one yeah Step One is often just holding each other one of the techniques there I have these two techniques that come from one of my books one of my most popular books

is a book called um sexual soulmates because sexual soulmates are not out there waiting for you you cocreate your connection with your partner and even if you've lost that connection you can have many Renaissance in your relationship throughout the years you can come back together and it can be better than ever again and there are two techniques out of that book that I think are kind of like a foundation one of them is called the sexual soulmate pact and that pact is an agreement between partners where I can say anything I want to you and

you're going to be happy I told you and you're not going to take it as criticism or you did anything wrong you're going to be hungry for me to tell you what I have an appetite for what I want how I'm feeling am I a kitty cat do you need to hold me in your arms do you need to pet me do you need to let me release and calm down and get some things off my chest do you just need to provide that holding or am I a lioness do I want you to ravish

me do I want to be pounced on do you I want you to carry me to the bedroom and throw me down on the bed and rip my clothes off and tell me how gorgeous I am and eat me up we want those things in that range all the time but what couples forget is to start with holding and being held because when we do that we generate oxytocin and the oxytocin is kind of like the antidote to all the cortisol we're pumping out constantly with the kids and the school and the stress and the

job and the politics and the you know every all this crazy stuff we need to be held and to hold so step one then is have the conversation and step two is to just hold essentially hold each other you don't even need to have a conversation you can just go crawl into your partner's arms and say and this is something that I love to teach men I love to teach men how to run a woman a menu of small all offers so the problem is that they're both feeling Eliza and her husband are likely both

they're dissatisfied they feel disconnected they're not speaking about it they're not speaking about it and she feels like we should be having sex but we're not right it's the sh I should be having what is sex intercourse well she's not turned on she hasn't had sex and God knows how long she's not ready to be penetrated she needs to get warm Med up you know it's very very slow the female arousal system and it takes 15 20 30 minutes when it's been a long time between love making sessions to get out of your head into

your body calmed down because arousal it's not I'm going to push your buttons and I'm going to spin your dials which is what guys try to do they're like I've got a goal I got to give her an orgasm let's go I'm Full Speed Ahead where in reality it's oh I need to hold her I need to grab her up in my big musly arms and I need to just let her calm down and relax remember what she loved about you and how much she loves you and how how good you smell and how good

you feel and how safe she feels right in this moment you use the word should should is such a what did I say corrosive when you were saying we should be having right how often how much harm do you think should does as in when I say should I really mean it's a social comparison it's like an external comparison I've watched this movie I spoke to my friend they're doing it this often they're doing it like this so we should be doing it like them how much harm do you think that does t I've seen

it in all my relationships I've seen guilt guilt guilt yeah like the comparison to other people who are just not you it can do so much harm and I I think in my current relationship we've basically banned comparison so we' banned each other speaking about unmet needs through the lens of other people or our past relationships and I think it really helps yeah you know I do too I think that if Eliza stopped feeling guilty and said okay I just I'm just going to start small and if her husband if she said to her husband

I just want to start small again I just want to Let's crawl and then walk and then run back to love making when we can let's acknowledge that we're in the time of our relationship ship when the kids make it really hard let's acknowledge that we want to have more intimacy together and let's start with small offers and then if he starts saying to her how about Thursday night I bring home some Chinese we get the kids in the bath we get them in bed we divide and conquer we put them down I'll go in

take a quick shower I'll set up the bedroom I'll set up the nest I'll light a candle I'll lay out some fresh towels I'll get your favorite Lube I'll put on the sexy playlist that you like and all I want you to do is relax there's no pressure to do anything I won't be mad if we don't have intercourse what I'm going to do is I'm going to hold you I'm going to get my hands on you I'm going to rub whatever hurts I'm going to tell you how much I love you I'm going to

snuggle you I might kiss you if you want to kiss me we'll see how it goes no pressure why why no pressure because if she has pressure then she's going to feel stressed and if she feels stressed she can't get into a rle as soon as you take the pressure off and let her just see what happens then her body will go into arousal and connection and feel safe and relaxed and she'll start to let down and get that turn on going I guess the starting point then as you said is the communication part right

because that you can't even get to that point if you're in a situation I've been in that situation once in my sexual history where it was so awkward that like it just gets the awkwardness just compounds where you're not even speaking about something and so you're getting in bed you're just laying in silence and oh my God he's thinking about it and I'm thinking about it you she's thinking and I hope he doesn't ask me and I'll pretend to sleep and all of that stuff I've been there yeah um and really what broke it was

was the two things you said the first thing was you got to talk about it and the second thing was removing the pressure right and the blame yeah and the Judgment yeah and if you can get there and I think much of the reason why people don't want to talk about it sometimes is because they they might have a little bit of a risk that if they're honest about how they're feeling then the other the person might leave or they might be mad or they they might not hang around long enough for you to fix

it together MH you know and also you don't know how to fix it so it's difficult sometimes in life to say I've got a problem but I have no idea what the solution is you know yeah this is one of the reasons that I like erotic play dates so much what's that erotic playdates are so all right I've written hundreds of sex techniques I've written dozens of communication skills and what people really want they don't necessarily just want a technique or a skill they just want to have fun they want erotic Adventure I Just Want

to Have Fun having sex with you I don't want it to be like I'm going to be finding your you know g spot or whatever like that's fun that's fun that could be one of the things you want to do that could be one of your erotic play dates it's like let's find our G-spot let's try this sex toy let's do a lingerie photo shoot let's have sex on the dining room table when the kids are away let's do whatever when you start to think about your sexuality not as oh we have to grab a

boob and stick in we have to have intercourse um and when you move away from that you take the pressure off you have a lot more intercourse because you have you start having fun you start trying things and when you try things you have new relationship energy sex is an equation it is two things good sex is half of it is Safety and Security I trust this person they're not going to give me STI you know they're they're going to they're going to be fun um I like them they smell good they taste good you

know they're they're going to be good to have sex with but if you you just have that boring you know it's like that's the death Nowell for your sex life is when it's just safe boring sounds so boring so variety novelty erotic adventures erotic play dates learning new things together when you have this seat this Foundation of trust and safety and good communication I can say anything I want to you and you're going to love me and you're going to appreciate that I'm telling you what I need all the time when you have that and

then you add all the novelty ooh did you hear about that heated sex toy or that one that blows up in your vagina inflates what's that like or oh that's find your pea spot or let's try this penis ring or whatever it might be um once you start doing those things then not only that but you have something to look forward to you're like okay so one of the things that I like to offer people is a is understanding what's on your sex life bucket list so what I did was I took 48 of my

best sexy ideas and I made a sex life bucket list with all 48 of them and then it's basically this little print out here I'll just give you one for me yeah go for Tim well this is for you so what's interesting about the sex life bucket list is that I give you a video and I give you a print out and if you both do the print out and you watch the video and you go through and I tell you what all 48 ideas are and then when you do that you go okay well

these are my A's I definitely want to do a lingerie photo shoot with you my bees are I mean I'd find your PE spot with you and I'm happy to do it but it wouldn't be like on my a list and you're prostate you're a PE spot is that up your bum yeah up your bum okay and um CES are it's not for me right now Never Say Never because as you mature if you think about your sexual development like your personal development it's just one more thing you're learning you get better and better and

you increment your skills and so what you used to look at it and go why would anybody want to be spanked now you're like oh my God I want to be spanked in my I've been there in my sexual history where I was with a partner and um I remember first introdu introducing the idea of using sex toys yeah and my partner responded at the time many many years ago saying that no that's for 50-year old people and I was like what and that was I found it really disappointing because I thought I was I

was in search of novelty in the the bedroom so I was looking to try new things and I'd heard of like my best friend was doing all sorts of like bondage and whips and stuff so I was like I'll get i'll get involved in that yeah and they just kind of shut it down uhhuh and what is someone supposed to do in such a situation where they've proposed something which is in line with their sort of their sex language but their partner has shut it down dismissed it mocked it ridiculed it whatever what are they

supposed to do yeah first of all I cannot wait to do my Susan's sexy Show and Tell with you today because I have brought you some things that I've never shown anyone before I have brand new things that no one's ever seen in the whole world for you today so I'm excited about that the second thing is that understanding that your girlfriend was afraid she's just afraid it was lack of knowledge makes fear so how can you educate her say you know I think you'd really enjoy us playing with a toy together you know I'd

love to be inside you while you you have a toy on your the outside and I think you'd really enjoy it and it might give you some different kinds of orgasms so why don't we have a date and I'll take you to a store and we can look at them and she goes no I'm not interested in that I don't like it say well tell me what it is you don't like about it is it something where you think that it might do what replace I you'd think I'd be worried I don't think it's good

for us I think that we're better doing it naturally and I think that that's for people that are 50 which is what she said to me it's a quote she said I think that's for people that are 50 well and we at the time must have been early 20s or something so I mean I use an electric toothbrush and an oral irrigator and I drive a car and I have a mobile device and I use a laptop and I use all kinds of tools so these are tools of pleasure and all I think is that

we might experiment with some fun things but if the toys aren't of interest to you right now let's talk about what else might be of interest let's do this sex life bucket list and see what does sound good to you and let's just start with your A's I'm perfectly willing to to meet you where you are with the things that might be on your bucket list let's let's knock a few of those things off and try some fun new things together it's interesting because I you were speaking I was reflecting on that sentence that that

this former partner said many years ago about I think it's for people that are 50 because a when I'm 50 I still want to be having the best sex in my life and I've spoken to 50y olds and they're having a great time um but C it also comes back to this idea of like should which is again imperative measure I you know like this expectation and this this how stereotypes can can be so corrosive for like sexual exploration and an openness um the other thing I was thinking about is what if you want to

try something with your partner you have a fantasy and it is opposed to their fantasy so like I I think we talk about love languages a lot but what about like sex languages could you could you is it possible the opposite sex language to your partner for example you might want to be um you might want to feel really safe but your partner wants to tie you up and dominate yeah and that's like and that's maybe that's their thing yeah and you but you want to be really you want to feel really safe so that

that's like diametrically opposed MH so there's a couple of things the first is that uh G erotic blueprints are a good place to start um she's come up with five different archetypes uh sexual archetypes and I think that's wonderful but it's very similar also to the um Love Languages where it's like well Steve I want you to love me in all five ways like making me think I have a love language it's also starting with the erotic blueprint that you have is great but maybe you are really enjoying being passive but then why not not

try and be a little switchy why not learn and become more confident in your sexuality and learn how to take control or maybe you are the one that's always dominant and it's time for you to learn how to surrender I think that you can start in one place with your comfort zone but begin to learn more things so that you get out of your comfort zone and you start trying new things how often you said um safety plus novel equals desire mhm so the novelty part I mean if you live 100 years that's a lot

of new ideas you're going to need I have not run out of ideas as a matter of fact sir Tim I joke that his like Epitaph on his gravestone which he's like I don't even need a gravestone I don't I don't care about that but I always joke that his Epitaph is up for anything like I can't come up with something that guy wouldn't be willing to try with me and I keep coming up with stuff and he keeps being a yes and it's really really fun when you're with a partner like that or when

the two of you have ideas and a lot of times when we have a date we'll sit down and and or or if we have a date with a third person so I have a boyfriend as well and the three of us make love and we'll get together for our date and we'll watch is that no we were all together they're straight but we all make love together and um we'll sit down and we'll be like okay well what do you guys feel like and they'll throw out some ideas and I'll throw out some ideas

and then we'll decide what we want to start with first and then we'll come up with a game plan and then we'll start that game plan but then I'll be like oh no you know what I want to do I want to do this instead and they're like okay we'll do that instead so you can just get to the point where you're so comfortable that you can listen to your animal one of the reasons I use the word homo sapien when I talked to you earlier is that we can't forget that we are part of

if you think about the tree of life we're on the branch with the bonobos and the great apes we are Homo Sapien we are part of the great apes and so we're an animal we are subject to the vagaries of how much sugar we've eaten have we been drinking have we been you know have we been sad have we been stressed out Etc have we been working out or not and so every time you enter into to an experience together every time you begin a love making date to not have some prescribed thing that you're

going to do but to see what your appetite what your animal desires what he or she is in the mood for I'm the kitty cat I'm the lionist where am I I want to try a new toy I want to have sex in a different location whatever it might be what am I in the mood for what does she want I've got another question so this is from a young man okay who is a diers of listener and this is his situation I feel like when whenever I am having sex with someone that she's not

really having as good of a time as she's uh acting like um and the reason that I think so is because I only last like 2 or 3 minutes in bed and I just don't think that that's enough time for for her to you know for her to get off also um and this has been a issue dating back to my first relationship yeah this is very very common uh so kit You Are Not Alone one in four men of all ages suffer from what some people call premature ejaculation or performance anxiety but um one

of the things that I have been doing is working with Jim Benson I published his program called multi-orgasmic lover for men and basically what it does is it helps men attain something called ejaculatory choice and that is essentially you get to ejaculate when you want to not because you can't help it so for the guys that are coming too fast it slows them down it's essentially a technique called the Me Breath me and it is is um a way to use three things in your body it's a body based technique it's very similar to like

learning how to swing a golf club or learning how to drive a car where you you know when you're driving a car you're gassing you're braking you're looking in the rear of your mirror you're looking out the front you're steering you might even be shifting and uh golf swing you know you're setting it up you get the head tilted right you're doing your swing your pullback and all these kinds of things the Me Breath uses three things it uses a a squeeze of the PC muscle the puboc coxas muscle it's like the keeg area it

uses a breath that is called a cool draw this comes from dowst techniques for semen retention but it's not a seamen retention technique but it's leverages that and it uses a what we call a Thrust or a pelvic Rock to relax guys guys end up often with intercourse kind of doing like like a piston they think about the vagina as like an inside out penis and it's just this friction that's supposed to feel good to her the vagina is a vast Cavern of pleasure it is not an inside out penis and it likes all kinds

of other things but when they end up with that friction and they're stiff and they're not relaxed it accelerates ejaculation so when they learn the squeeze the breathe and the thrust and they do them during masturbation often men who come before they want to are suffering from um kind of almost training themselves to come too fast like they've they've masturbated in ways that you know gets them off quickly often they don't have privacy or you know they're just they just don't have leisurely time for masturbation so you practice thei breath during masturbation and it teaches

your body to gas and break your arousal so you can slow down and the other component is the mental component which is that you get really nervous you're going to do it again and then that makes you do it again and so there are some sematic techniques that allow you to be present right here right now because a lot of guys guys say to me all the time I don't really care about my own pleasure I'm just in it for her and it's like well that's a lot of pressure for her dude it would be

nice if you showed your pleasure too like always just trying to make her have an orgasm is not really what you want to do either you need to get out of your head and into your body you got to slow down you got to get present because if you're thinking about something that happened in the past oh I'm going to come too fast again or oh my God what if I come too fast you're you're not with me and so if he stops trying to make her have fun if he stops worrying he practices the

Me Breath at home and then when he's making love to her he knows how to breathe and rock his hips and by the way that pelvic Rock feels really good and intercourse for her so that's nice too if I was to try and relate to our friend here kit um I think for the first sort of season of my sexual journey I thought of sex as this thing where you kind of climb on and it needs to be like as quick as you can and in fact because of because you watch pornography when you're young

you think that the faster and harder you go the better the job you're doing oh my gosh I know I think in my wisdom I've learned that there's no rush and also you know I get off by watching my partner get off so this is where a lot of the things you have on this table come in because it wasn't until later in my sort of sexual Journey that I started using these kind of things these toys that you've brought I mean you've brought 720 of them but I recognize a couple of them um um

which On's are like a a fan favorite if you're a guy and you're looking to pleasure your partner which one of these is like you know easy money it's like it's going to hit the spot yeah well there's a couple of different ones one of the things that I think is really important is Yoni massage do you know what a Yoni is I do good for you because A+ student my partner is has told me what Yi massages are and she was in B for many years doing she's done Tantra training and I've been with

her and stuff so yeah great Yi means vagina it really means you know the vagina is just the internal Cavern and the vva is just the external facing tissue okay like the outside and the inside and so vagina's not technically accurate and vve is not Tech technically accurate the whole thing the whole vagina whole thing right but it's not because the vagina is just the internal so I like the word Yoni because it's comprehensive and it's also reverential which means it means that you are not looking at it as like this is just a thing

that I'm sticking my penis in this is actually connected to this woman this is her the seat of her passion this is the seat of her creativity this is she is a goddess and I will pleasure every part of her and so I think that's the number one thing that's important to when I when I use the word Yoni I'm really thinking about it in a very loving gentle kind and pleasurable perspective and so if you want to do a good job for a Yoni the best thing that you can do is give it a

massage before you make love to it and so toys that I would recommend for that are lay on toys is this is a pretty burgeoning category of of toys and I I think about them as tools I don't even think they're toys I feel like toys is like okay yeah that's fine but they're they're tools what's a Layon toy so here are two Layon tools this is called the pulse Queen and this one actually has a vibrating plate let let me turn it on for you actually you'd probably figure it out right away hold the

middle button down for a minute and it'll it'll go on there you go this pulse plate technology actually penetrates the vva the outside of her Yoni and it feels great on the clitoral structures it feels great on the mons it's a headach so it feels great on the outer labia and the inner labia and the vestibule so what it does wow yeah it it'll there's plenty of power here's another one that's called the vibe and that's also a Layon tool and they send penetrating pulsating pleasure into the the onlyi and what's nice about that is

that here's my banana so if you imagine this banana is a penis that's pretty easy you can do that and half of your penis sticks out of your body and half of it actually goes down and in toward your testicles so it's double almost double what you see sticking out fully erect it's twice that size and inside it is erectile tissue spongy tissue and that spongy tissue holds blood so remember when I was talking about um being held and holding and how women need to get out of their head and they need to slow down

yeah if a lot of guys say to me what's the number one sex technique I need to know and I'm like okay well there's a lot of them but the number one sex technique you need to know is slowed down turn around and come back and get us because you're ready to go and we're not because your erection happens in a minute or two you can usually get a heart on because this spongy tissue in your penis has these three straight shoots and the blood runs right in there you see the boob and you get

an erection boom but not a female body a female body has the same amount of erectile tissue as is inside your penis only and I'm doing a little demo here if you're listening to us I'm stretching this erectile tissue from the penis into this little teardrop shape the vagina is in here and the Ure eal Canal which is What's called the G-spot but it's not a spot it's a long tube so here is the vagina it is wrapped in the same amount of erectile tissue that's in your penis but it's in these little arms little

legs little shaft little sponge little sponge and so it takes about 20 minutes for her to achieve her clitoral erection so we'll start with her first then right so Yoni massages are fantastic because you're going to get that blood flowing into her Volva so that all this tissue gets nice and plump so she gets an erection because how does sex feel if you're flaccid not great it feels great when you're erect and that's because it has more surface area that sends more signals to your biggest sex organ your brain your brain and so when women

are rushed for sex which is has been almost all the time because everything you see in the movies what is it what what's the typical movie scene we get together we kiss you rip off my shirt my bra is still on you haven't even touched my boobs which are one of the three not you you're you're perfect but you know he hasn't even touched her boobs and he's ripped her pants off and he's plunged inside her she's not ready she doesn't have a lady boner she's not ready to go that tissue needs to be filled

up with blood so that it feels as good to her so it sends the signals to her brain so all those women who are like I'm I'm just the kind of woman who can't have an orgasm from intercourse I'm like uh girl yeah you can you can basically have orgasms entire time you're having intercourse if you get enough pleasuring before you're penetrated you said there's multiple types of orgasms 20 20 different 20 plus one is wild card because I'm always leaving opportunity open for more orgasms read this Quantum orgasm yeah Quantum orgasm yeah what's that

so that sounds nice of the 20 kinds of orgasms there are locations to touch clitoral vaginal anal breast gasms nipple gasms throat gasms Etc and then there are techniques to use so for female ejaculation which all women can do uh there are very specific techniques that work and it's not what you see on porn and then there's expanded orgasm techniques as well and an expanded orgasm or like a Quantum gasm is this so and then there and there are tools of Desire so there's three different types of orgasm I'll finish that sentence so there's locations

to touch techniques to use and tools or objects of Desire because who's to say that that crop that spanks your bottom isn't an object of desire to give you orgasms it is too but the quantum gasm so a regular orgasm is okay it's very similar to what men think about an orgasm being like I'm gonna and this is like the 1960s you know Masters and Johnson Style almost 80 years ago we have moved on from this style of orgasm this is just one kind but it's the and you have the orgasm that's a oneandone and

often women who say or and a lot of men complain about this to me after she has an orgasm she doesn't want me to touch her it's over she's done and I'm like you're driving her too hard you haven't given her enough engorgement if you go slower she'll be able to have multiple orgasms because you haven't driven her nervous system so hard to get the first one done so slow down lighter touch more engorgement more foreplay make out play with her boobs stroke her body tell her she beautiful all of these things and then she

can move into multiple orgasms she can do that right but then there's extended orgasms so this is where she starts being able to sit in sensation and this is back to sex as a mindfulness practice now she's right there she's in the orgasm and now she's like like oh oh oh oh oh oh that's a sound that's a CB yeah I recognize that right that's an extended orgasm now she's taken that moment of time and she's stretched it out like taffy right so now she's in the orgasm right so she's starting to ride a big

wave but then there an expanded orgasm and that's the that's the king the queen of orgasms and that is now I'm a big Wave Rider you're towing me out you're stroking me you're pleasuring me it's feeling good you get me up in that wave and I'm riding that wave and I just ride and ride and ride and ride that wave and you tow me back out and a big set just came in and now you tow me into to a bigger wave it's more intense it lasts even longer and I am just coming and coming

and coming and you just keep delivering and you're delivering it to me with the lightest of touch because now I'm so good at orgasming that all you barely have to do is stroke a little finger on all that delicious plump juicy tissue that's now sending massive amounts of signal to my brain and I am coming for 10 minutes 20 minutes 30 minutes now I'm going to come with you for until I can't anymore let's see how long we can go and you start having orgasms that keep getting bigger and better until you're just tired you

need to stop you have to get some water you need to recover and I remember when I was learning the expanded or orgasm technique this was from my mentor Dr Patty Taylor and I called her one day when I had one of those hourlong orgasms with Tim and I was like let's see how long I can come how hard I can come and how much I can come so I came and came and came and and I thought oh man I'm at this precipice and I'm afraid to let go like I'm I'm riding the waves

but I there's more and it's out there but I'm afraid and I called Patty and I was like what do I do and she goes step off go go out there when I stepped off I touched Source I touched God I felt Gaia I felt my connection I felt what connects us all that's why sex is repressed that's why people hold you away from sexuality and shame you because if you felt God in your love making why would you need to go to God in a church he's Ethan he's far away from from God my

girlfriend and I um just moved in together about a year ago we've been together for two years and we're looking down the barrel of a dry bedroom and uh things have gotten real mechanical especially in the last several months and I'm just afraid of where it's going to go and I want to help us good it's not good for her she's not enjoying it he's bummed out so he's probably doing he I mean how can you blame anyone for not knowing when there's my work's always sensored I teach passionate love making techniques I but I

can't advertise I can't advertise expanded orgasm practice if you're trying to teach Ethan how to have an expanded orgasm with his partner yeah what would how' you go about that I just give him the program it's 21 erotic play dates you learn the it's a f stroke technique but I would say start with sex life bucket list start with trying some toys start with Yi massages you have to recommend one toy for Ethan then well that's just gonna she it's gonna blow her mind which one would you which one is the favorite like of all

these toys there's I mean there's some more over there as well what is there's got to be one that's most popular amongst women it depends I would say that if he wants to have partnered sex with her then one could be a double vibrating penis ring that he could put on her and she could ride him and then uh she could put her clitoral structure up against the hair let me help you with no I've got it don't worry you do oh good for you a bottle with it on I know it's on the bottom

you have to turn it on the bottom hold the button on the bottom and hold it for just a second and it'll go on oh go and there you go and then you can press it again press the button at the top again at the top oh I'm sorry at the bottom the same one press it again there it goes on okay so that vibrates on the clitoris while it's attached to your penis yes your actually your penis and your testicles go through there and your testicles yeah all your junk goes through there and then

you get paranal pleasure while she gets clitoral pleasure so you could try that or you could give her something like this this is a little this is called the digit and this is like a little Ring Pop so that if you have Lube all over your hands you don't lose it it's not hard to hold on to and this will dcece like a little hummingbird on her clitoral St structure while you're penetrating her that's a good idea I I love this one this one's great because a digit I'm messing around trying to hold onto this

thing and it's sliding around so that's Fant you just got to rest it there that's fantastic so I'd say introduce her to toys but also start giving her Yoni massages just really lay her down get out the oil I'd like to tell you about this I brought these for you so this is um Foria and this is my pleasure protocol and there are three components to it the first is this put a melt have your partner put a melt inside her vagina this is cocoa butter Botanicals can't see what have you just handed me I've

handed you just a little a little cocoa butter it almost looks like a little fingertip of cocoa butter that goes up inside the vagina to me it looks like a double siiz tablet is inside here yeah that's reasonable and you can take open it up and take one out yeah um and the cocoa butter melts up in there with CBD and Botanical there you go doesn't it smell good oh my gosh it's it smells like um dark chocolate it's cocoa ah cocoa butter is from cacao it is chocolate oh my God it's the fat of

chocolate which is an aphrodesiac right doesn't it smell good it smells it smells like cacao yeah yeah it's so nice so she puts that inside her pops it right in it melts almost immediately and it makes her vagina feel like velvety and Luscious and then this is the intimacy this is the awaken arousal oil so when you take this home for your girlfriend I want you to just put a few drops in your hand and then I want you to coat it on the outside on the vulva on her mons her outer labia her inner

labia her clitoral shaft and tip and the vestibule the inside between the two labia so no wonder what I'm doing doesn't that smell so good and then when you want more slide and glide just put as much of the sex oil on as you want so you've got someons you've got the Melt on the inside you've got the arousal The Awakening which is going to be like Bing it essentially makes your Yoni when you put the arousal oil on the awaken it it makes your Yoni go [Music] I like that it's so good and then

this is oh I need more slide I need more Glide and then this I absolutely love I I used to think I used to not really like my breasts and I've got great boobs and I didn't think I did because I'm a woman and we think there's something wrong with us everybody in the world wants to get their hands on my boobs but I didn't think they would look good it's ridiculous what we women do to ourselves so when discovered nipple gasms I was like oh have I been missing out and I love having orgasms

from my breasts being pleasured it is so nice and I've done an AB split test one nipple with and one nipple without this breast oil and nipple a loves this breast oil so when you play with your girlfriend take little droppers full of this and have her have her hold her boobs up and and dribble it on her boobs and then spread it around and play with her breasts and nipples maybe while you're making out or you know a lot of times what I like to do is I like to have Tim lean up against

the back of the bed the headboard and then I put a pillow on his belly and I lean back against him and he gives me breast pleasuring with the breast oil while I tell them about my day and we talk about things and we just connect with each other I think kit had something to say about this tell me I mean I probably need to get better at oral sex I think oral sex is probably expected at this point um so I guess I I would want to learn more about that and I would want

to learn more about like this is going to sound so crazy but like what like what are you supposed to do with nipples I don't know I don't know any any other way to say that but it's like you know does it feel good to like how long should I should I like suck on them for a while or should I uh like tweak them or like what's you know it it it just seems like awkward so I guess I'm more Awkward than I should be and I think if someone could tell me some some

things that I could do that are not awkward then I would feel so much better about everything yeah everybody feels like that this is just a process of learning what to do and I'm so glad that he wants to and he's aware that he wants wants to learn some things um I think having great oral techniques is so good anybody that says to me I just don't like oral sex I'm like uh because you haven't had good oral sex oral sex is incredible highly orgasmic amazing all in its own and a lot of people say

oh I don't like 69 which is mutual oral pleasuring and I'm like they're like I can't concentrate I'm like you don't have to concentrate you can just sometimes be giving and sometimes be receiving but being connected like that being think about the energy you're circulating and the pleasure that you're creating practice makes perfect with sex Chuck me that perfect head one of the things that I think about all the time because my life is quite hectic and busy is how to manage my energy load and as a podcaster you kind of have to manage your

energy in such a way that you can have these articulate conversations with experts on subjects you don't understand and this is why perfect Ted has become so important in my life because previously when it came to Energy Products I had to make a trade-off that I wasn't happy with typically if I wanted the energy I had to deal with high sugar I had to deal with Jitters and crashes that come along with a lot of the mainstream Energy Products and I also just had to tolerate the fact that if I want energy I have to

put up with a lot of artificial ingredients which my body didn't like and that's why I invested in perfect Ted and why they're one of the sponsors of this podcast it is changed not just my life but my entire team's life and for me it's drastically improved my cognitive performance but also my physical performance so if you haven't tried perfect Ted yet you must have been living under a rock now is the time you can find perfect Ted at Tesco and waitrose or online where you can enjoy 40% off with code diary 40 at checkout

head to perfect ted.com Q4 is always the busiest period of the Year for me and my team the window to finish projects before year end starts to close and naturally pressure starts to build it's often around this time that we consider bringing in Freelancers to help us reach our ambitious goals and timelines and no business has played a larger part in providing that support than Today's Show sponsor Fiverr if you're not familiar fiver is the Online Marketplace where you'll find highly skilled Freelancers who specialize in almost every area of business they have coders AI Specialists

they have graphic designers animators and loads more working with new Talent used to be a gamble but Fiverr lets you browse portfolios and reviews before you hire anyone and if their work doesn't meet your standards fiverr's refund policy has you covered if you'd like to give Fiverr a go head to fiverr.com diary and use code diary for 10% off your first order and does do people's libidos drop when they go into menopause it depends on so many factors some people say that they're having the best sex of their life through menopause and some people say

that they're libido flat lines everybody's so different there's genetics there's diets there's beliefs systems there's you know whether your sex life's already good or not so many things does low testosterone and equal low libido typically it can yes okay and I want to explain libido desire and arousal because there's really three different things but people use them interchangeably libido is your health how healthy are you one of the most common things that happens to couples is someone becomes ill emotionally physically or both and then they can't have intercourse so they think their sex life is

over and they stop even touching each other and so what you have to do is you have to have that I I like to say I'm like a Timex watch I can take a licking and keep on ticking right anything that happens to me I just find a way to fix it work around it take care of it like I just don't want to uh succumb to old age and atrophy and all of those things so I do all kinds of this sexual biohacking in these sexual regenerative therapies and then desire is how do you

feel about yourself just like Eliza where she feels like she's not desirable anymore you have to really work with those body issues and and and love yourself and and and get over those things and bring yourself back to the pleasure and the connection and the joy that you create and not hold yourself up to some perfect thing you've had kids you're you're aging okay but that doesn't mean you can't have really great sex with your husband that makes you both so so happy and makes your kids happy because they're growing up in a household where

their parents aren't all stressed out and disconnected they're growing up in a household where Mommy and Daddy are going to go in the other room and you need to watch Barney for a while or whatever and then arousal is this notion that men get erect very quickly and they're ready to go they'll drop trow at a moments notice and have sex anywhere any time and women need relaxation to begin to climb the arousal ladder they need that blood flow to come in that takes 20 or 30 minutes depending on frequency of engorgement and so we

need that too I wanted to ask another question for one of my listeners um it was a guy and we had this question come in quite a lot from our audience um and it was about routine where is it this one here this is Ethan okay yeah it's just it's just it's just the same thing over and over again it's we can we can pretty much do one maybe two you know positions um and and yeah it's got to be nighttime bed same same day you know every every Saturday I finally get it yippe yeah

I could I just feel the frustration in his voice and it it it breaks my heart and this is probably a woman who has one pathway that she's found to orgasm and and that's her comfortable pathway and so she wants a sure thing and she needs it to be the same every time so she can have that so what I would say to him is that again his partner is working without a lot of knowledge so she has much more fear and so the control that she's putting onto her sex life like it's only this

way it's only in the dark it's only this day it's you know that's her that's her groove she's found her groove and that's fine but it would be what I would want her to know is that there's 20 kinds of orgasms there's so many Pathways try orgasmic cross trining so start with the thing that you know works and then add something else in and when you are working on that one thing that works and then you add the new thing in let's try let's try breast play Okay so I'm going to do what you want

to do but I'm also going to stimulate your breasts and nipples I'm going to slowly trace my fingers I'm going to put on some breast oil I'm going to pleasure you pretty soon that at first might not feel good to her it might make her feel this is this is if you touch a woman in on her breasts on her nipples on her vulva on her clitoris in her opening to her vagina which is called her introital sphincter which is a little round muscle inside her vagina on her labia all these different places and you

ask her what do you feel all different women will say basically four things the first thing they'll say is it feels it it hurts it feels painful it feels numb I feel shame or I feel pleasure all that's standing between the pain the shame the numbness and the pleasure is orgasmic activation it's being touched in a loving way that feels safe so that you can begin to start those neural Pathways to the brain and back to the biggest sex organ again which is the third time you touched me in a loving way on my labia

it actually started to not feel numb it started to feel good great let's do it some more and so when you bring all the sensation online when you get all those core puzles and nerve endings and all of that tissue thrumming with pleasure your orgasms become so easy so I would recommend for him offer Yoni massages without intercourse on a separate day of the week to begin to activate that tissue so she's not so reliant on the pathway that works for her and she begins to understand how beautiful her vulva is to him how much

he loves to give her pleasure how to relax and stay in sensation because women have a lot of time staying in their body and staying in sensation one of the number one things that a sex therapist will do is teach you how to stay in sensation and feel it people are disconnected from their sensation where does masturbation and pornography fit into all of this is that a good thing for a relationship is it a good thing to be doing alone is it something that's full of shame we had a conversation on this podcast recently about

pornography and one of the really surprising things that came off the back of it was um women messaging me privately saying that we didn't talk about women who have an addiction to pornography mhm which was quite surprising to me yeah because it's not it's not in keeping with the stereotype I hadn't crossed my mind but I wanted to give that a little bit of air time because it's something I didn't talk about last time is that something you know how do you think about pornography and masturbation is it good bad indifferent shameful oh you're talking

to the lady that likes heart-c connected passionate love making and most pornography is just friction I like to transform friction into connection and so I'm not against pornography it's just not in my Realm of what I like to help people with why because I want to teach you how to have much better sex than the stuff you're seeing on porn what's the harm of the stuff we see on porn I'm not saying that it's harmful I'm just saying why live someone else's agenda why not live your own agenda have your own life have your own

fantasies have your own sexuality have your own experiences have you met a woman addicted to pornography no I have not have you met a man addicted to pornography many yeah and they have to go off at cold turkey and they go through withdrawal and it's freaking hard so I I feel badly for people who do get addicted you think it ruins the real thing I do because I don't even want to watch it first of all Time Magazine had an article that said that uh they did a there was a study that um randomly sampled

something like 340 clips of porn and then they looked at them and they said 96% of them were degrading to women in some way and that's what we're raising generations to think is sex what I like to teach is passionate erotic sensual heart-c connected ecstatic orgasmic Bliss what about masturbation without the pornography masturbation is fantastic it helps activate all of the tissue it helps you uh have pleasure and fantasy so my recommendation is fantasy although there are some new interesting things that are coming up too like for example um two of these toys that I

want to show you these are really interesting new technology one of them heats up so it gets warm there's nothing better than sticking a nice warm thing in your vagina and I love that try this one I don't know if you tried that one yet these are from satisfier and this one check this out man this is so interesting this particular vibrator gets it gets a balloon and it blows up look I'm blowing it up for anyone that can't see the end it's like a normal vibrator the end is swelling look at that and then

if you want to let it out you just press it whoops uh oh there it goes and all the air goes out if you put this inside your vagina it feels incredible to have that blowing up inside there and filling up all that Cavern of space these now are app connected and you can listen to Fantasy or music and the music will take you on an orgasmic Journey the fantasies will read you stories in time with the vibrations and Sensations that come from the devices so if you want to watch pornography do it for me

personally I would rather you have a couple of hot lovers and great fun and you know have a lot of women are like well I I don't have a boyfriend and I'm like well take a lover why do you need someone who checks off all the boxes why not just get a hot side piece and have great sex with them they're like oh my God I never thought of that I'm like girl stick with me and I recommend that for anyone you don't have to wait for the be all and end all you can just

have great sex as long as you do STI testing which is one of the last things I wanted to talk to you about oh looks like I spilled a little oil on this I'm sorry this is so interesting because this is Basis DX now I have to say uh full disclosure in this particular thing I'm on their I'm their Chief advocacy officer so because I work with people who are in poly groups and who go to sex parties and you know they're they're I'm encouraging people to have sex I cannot do it without the caveat

that one must do STI testing before they go any further than kissing or hands on a body so you can keep a couple of STI kits at home and then if you meet your hot lover you can do your STi test and when you get him back then you know you're safe everything's okay because there's a lot of long-term Downstream negative effects from getting STI it's not as simple as oh just take take an antibiotic and you're done some of these things last forever and you can never get rid of them what is the most

important thing that we haven't talked about and really there I'm asking for the audience what is the question that they're probably sat home saying Steve you didn't ask bloody question which I've got a huge issue with here at home in my in my bedroom with my love life with my partner well we've talked a lot about um how Body Works and slowing down we've talked a lot about creating your own experiences that sex is um a lifetime journey of pleasure and learning that ignorance creates fear so learning solves that problem and the best way to

learn is to try new things we've talked about so many different things that you can try we've talked about the fact that if you have no path to organ orm you can get one then you can get two then you can get three by the way all bodies can have over 20 kinds of orgasms you can have as many orgasms as I can we have the same Parts they're just an in and an AE so men think they have one ejaculatory orgasm and they're done or maybe a short refractory period but no you have so

many kinds of orgasms waiting to come out they're all in there waiting for you to let them exist in your life so we've talked how do you know when to to leave how do you know when to walk away there are so many good sex therapists out there now that you have to try that first before you leave if you can afford to seek therapy and you have a mismatch in your style desire libido whatever it might be there's there there's been trauma there's you know whatever it might be um what if they don't want

to see one what if you propose the idea and they say no I'm not going to therapy cuz talking about the bedroom to a total stranger is not the easiest of things to do I think I would say especially for a man I'm not saying just just therapist are good at that though they know what they're doing they can help you with that they can open you to the discussions well I went to a see a therapist with my partner and we talked about a lot big range of things and we still go to couple's

therapy all the time um as more of like a preventative measure but it's just nice to have a dedicated space and even in there especially the first couple of times that I went I was like I hate this I was like it was embarrass it was like embarrassing I didn't want to say anything I was hoping she wasn't going to say anything because you feel like the strange is judging you but also you know yeah it's it's not but the reason why it's a good thing is because you in your relationship knowing that there's a

space where where you're going to get to be honest with each other yeah and you're going to get to vocalize it makes the other 6.9 days the other like the rest of the week much more enjoyable because you know where the space is for these things you know when we're going to sit down and have the sort of dedicated conversation so it makes it makes the rest of the relationship better and also I think men have a bias where we don't we're not typically the ones to initiate these kinds of things yeah um sometimes we

might seem like resentful or reserved but over time even though my partner initiates these kind of conversations about unmet needs and sex life and all these kinds of things yeah over time and in hindsight thank God she did yeah because she I think women are sometimes better at like ringing the alarm well we're generally more articulate so men you know they how they say I'm a man a few words that men are men are like that partially its nature and partially it's nurture and so guys don't feel like they can they feel like it's not

a Level Playing Field when they have to have a conversation about things with their female partner they feel like she's going to be able to talk circles around him so it is dangerous to navigate which is why it's nice to have a therapist to help you navigate navigate really difficult issues and you know that old phrase happy wife happy life yeah it's a cliche it's a stereotype whatever but there is a hint of Truth in where that stereotype comes from and I think it originates from this idea that men are quite simple in what they

express that their needs are yeah and women are more articulate are more complex they're more like aware of unmet needs yes so they vocalize them more often typically not always um which means that there's this Dynamics formed which the man sometimes thinks his job is just to keep her happy and if I keep her happy then we're happy yeah but in hindsight I've come to learn that it's a really good thing that she does sound the alarm it's a really good thing that she is sensitive to unmet needs because unmet needs for her are probably

unmet needs for me I just can't see them yet yeah I'm just unaware of it so I'm just saying that to men who who might feel the same way that I've often felt where you're like oh my God another problem or whatever and um I've just come to be so grateful for the fact that my partner is like very aware of these good early warning system very good because I would never I'm so like busy and like she's smiling I'm fine yeah but and you know this you come to learn this because the things that

when she sounds the alarm the things that it ends up solving make the relationship better make makes me happier and that's that's the goal at the end of the day so yeah so reviewing everything we've talked about the other thing we talked about was making her small offers filling her up with orgasms giving her Yoni massages slowing down those are very important holding her it makes you feel as good to hold your woman as it does for her to be held that that's a very symbiotic thing not thinking that sex is just intercourse right learning

more skills having more more experiences together doing your sex life bucket list and keeping your body in good shape right so making sure you're getting your exercise and your sleep and all those things so you can go the distance and that sex keeps getting better your whole lifelong so I think we've covered a lot of terrain well we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest not knowing who they're leaving it for and the question that left for you if you could go back and tell

your 20-year-old self something something that would have made you happier healthier more successful if you had heard it if it was whispered in tree at 20 years old what would you tell your 20-year-old [Music] self play full out never compromise all of your gifts and your talents never play small it is not your job to make other people feel comfortable of course you can bring your heart to everyone but it is your job to live the best most amazing life that you possibly can I have a question for you what's that what are you going

to do differently now that I've had this conversation with you what shifted for you there's quite a few things I mean so the first is I have this new this new set of toys that I'm going to be um bringing home which is interesting I learned actually a lot about the limic system which we didn't actually talk about today from reading through your work and the the implications that'll have for our relationship and our feeling of connection I learned a lot about Tantra from um reading through your work as well which again we didn't talk

about today um I think for my audience one of the things that I think is really critical um is to remove pressure um which is I remember a phase of my life where it sex had become like the elephant in the room the sorry the lack of sex had become the EV elephant in the room and the pressure to fix it made it worse so your approach to that is to schedule these like play dates not try to get sex where there's no like penetrative in Intercourse guaranteed on the menu yeah and just uh just

to start from the foundations of being connected and then um the other thing of course is just the importance of novelty and sex which is something that you know I'm five six years into my relationship now so it's time something I think about a lot I think about keeping it fresh and yeah and stuff like that and I talk to my friends a lot about this a lot I call it desire management which is how manage desire so it doesn't Fade Out kind of like a a flame that needs the right amount of oxygen too

much oxygen and it's going to blow out but just like the right amount of oxygen when I say too much oxygen I mean what's what's that in the analogy that would be like I guess it would be too much distance like and a lack of safety MH whereas just the right amount of oxygen is like the right amount of safety and the right amount of novelty the way I look at it is like if you took a handle and you put one of these like things over it it would go out and that's okay that

in that analogy what you've done there is there's no novelty there's routine you're there all the time they see you when they wake up you just you never leave the house you're attached to each other and then there's like little bit of oxygen in but not too much that it's going to blow out which is you know keep yourself High desire maybe go you know go on work trips every once in a while be away from each other miss each other go to new places we new things you I think such a simple um equation

I learned that from uh dossy Eaton she wrote the ethical and she was the one that taught me um safety and variety equals desire interesting yeah I've come to I've come to come to learn that mainly from watching my friends my friends have taken all these different approaches my one friend he knows who he is he listens to this and always sends me the clips he likes stifles a lot of the women that he ends up with yeah insecurity he will move in honestly in two situations he moved in with them on either the first

or the second date was it oh wow the second date twice and they became his girlfriends it lasted about a month one of them lasted about two years but just the fact that he's moving in on the second dat was like problematic in both situations one of them was Co the other one was she just lived in far away land so she had to fly over and then where she going to live she she lived with him and then I've seen my other friends play it other way way I've seen the long distance and how

that can fade out if it's too far away it's hard and I've always thought there's a Sweet Spot somewhere in the middle there definitely but again this is subjective it's probably different for me as it is for you and Tim thank you I want to say the work you're doing is helping a huge huge amount of people sort of demystify these subjects which are so stigmatized and seem to be so Elusive and mysterious in so many people's lives the reason why I have these conversations on the podcast and invite people like you on is because

I'm trying to say the like quiet part out loud this is going to be the Diary of a CEO and what would be in your diary it wouldn't just it wouldn't be pnls and spreadsheets it would be worries about erectile dysfunction it would be I'm not having sex with my partner it would be how do I improve my sex life what the do I do with nipples like kid said it would be these kinds of things and that's what you do in your work and you do it better than anybody and it's um thank honestly

you're doing something really amazing for a lot of people a lot of people you'll never even get to see so on behalf of all of them and me thank you for what you do thank you so much for giving me the light so that I could help people I appreciate that I'm going to let you into a little bit of a secret and you're probably going to think that I'm a little bit weird for saying this but our team are our team because we absolutely obsess about the smallest things even with this podcast when we're

recording this podcast we measure the CO2 levels in the studio because if it gets above a th000 parts per million cognitive performance dips this is the type of 1% Improvement we make on our show and that is why the show is the Way It Is by understanding the power of compounding one 1% you can absolutely change your outcomes in your life it isn't about drastic Transformations or quick wins it's about the small consistent actions that have a lasting change in your outcomes so two years ago we started the process of creating this beautiful diary and

it's truly beautiful inside there's lots of pictures lots of inspiration and motivation as well some Interac Dev elements and the purpose of this diary is to help you identify stay focused on develop consistency with the 1% that will ultimately change your life we're only going to do a limited run of these Diaries so if you want one for yourself or for a friend or for a colleague or for your team then head to the diary.com right now I'll link it below [Music] h