How to KILL your Marriage (Just...like...I...did)

man we have to stop playing the [Music] man we have to stop playing the victims in our marriage and i know what a lot of you are saying i don't play the victim but i hear a lot of men with this exacerbated attitudes towards their wives or their marriage they kind of throw up their hands with this attitude i just don't know what more i can do you know i mean i just don't know what my wife wants from me all she does is tend to complain about what i'm not doing right i mean that's

what i said i mean i just don't know what more she wants from me okay well i mean i don't mean to be rude but did you help with the dishes or cleaning up the kitchen tonight no i was playing on my phone all right well did you make time to talk to her about her day i mean did you see how she's feeling did you see if there's anything you could help her with no i worked late so i was pretty tired when i got home okay well with the time that you did have

did you make time for non-sexual affection with her did you hug her did you hold her did you kiss her did you tell her something that you love about her no not really okay well did you at least intentionally thank her for everything she did behind the scenes today for the family the dishes the laundry the kids the cleaning no i kind of forgot to do that too okay well have you done anything this week to prioritize her specifically other than go to work no i've just been really busy okay well i need you to

see that that might be where the confusion is that might be why she feels alone or abandoned in this marriage you don't know what more you can do but yet you haven't actually done anything i mean when's the last time you expressed any interest in the health of this relationship when's the last time you showed her any form of desire to grow your connection together i know you care about her but when's the last time you actually told her how much you care that's what she wants let's stop thinking of our marriage as just something

that happens to us you're a participant you affect the climate either positively or negatively and if both of you think the other person is negatively contributing well that's why people get divorced don't think it can happen to you yeah i didn't either see from her perspective you're not there when you're at work which is understandable but then even when you're home you're still absent and that would cause any wife to feel rejected or abandoned not just yours and listen going to work is fantastic i think it's wonderful that you're providing for your family and you

deserve credit for that but i hear a lot of men use that as an excuse listen i put a roof over our heads i go to work i make the money okay but even if you didn't have a family you would still be going to work so let's not use that as the number one reason why you're a thoughtful husband and the hard truth that i had to realize is that busyness can absolutely kill your marriage and i'm not saying you should feel bad for working so much i'm simply saying if you're in a season

where you're busy at work working hard for the family when you get home to that family you need to remember you're not off the clock you're on overtime you don't get to slack off when it comes to the work that you need to be putting in at home just because you worked extra hard at your job if you chose to work 50 hour work weeks then you still have to prioritize the things that need to be done at home especially in your marriage and i'm not trying to minimize the effort that you're putting in at

your job you're starting that company you're working your way up the ladder you're making more money for the family your job is demanding in this season right if you didn't put in the effort then you wouldn't be successful right and that's all fine if you're remembering that your relationship also demands things from you in order to be successful and function properly and not go belly up things like time and effort and intentionality you can work hard at your job as long as you're checking in with the family and your wife and making sure that you're

talking about the effect that it's having on them addressing their needs and desires and using whatever time you have to strengthen your relationships because for some of you you don't even have a relationship with your wife anymore you just have a marriage certificate and those things are very different ask any person who's divorced and a lot of times she didn't ask for more money she didn't ask you to chase that promotion she didn't sign up for an absent husband so stop using your job as an example of selflessness it's not because when you work that

stressful job to earn that title or make that money you often come home stressed and tired and distracted and you accidentally end up prioritizing yourself you end up being unintentionally self-centered you decompress with a bourbon while she does the dishes and puts away dinner you need to watch the news while she bathes the kids you need to answer some emails while she loads the dishwasher or moves the laundry over or maybe she just reads in another room alone but don't you see what's happening you're losing her you're living separate lives you're teaching her to live

a life without you and when she divorces you you'll be the only one that feels loss because she's already lost everything busyness can absolutely kill a marriage and so can ignorance or arrogance that's what happens when you play the victim and you have the attitude i just don't know what more i could do for you when you haven't actually asked or done anything to grow or maintain the closeness or connection or friendship or trust in your marriage and you're contributing to your bank account i mean you're adding to your retirement but you're not making deposits

into your relationship and she doesn't feel like you're building anything with her that's because you've unintentionally neglected all the things that any relationship needs to survive and thrive things like attention and affection and appreciation and consideration and selflessness things like friendship and intimacy and trust you say you want your wife to desire you more you want her to be in the mood more can you honestly say you're prioritizing those can you honestly say that she can rely on you for emotional connection because in my experience i found that if she feels like you value her

more than sex you'll oftentimes get both but get that backwards and you'll get neither and it's easy to say i just don't know what you want from me i just don't know what more i could do it's easy to be the victim it's easy to believe she's just too complicated but how many of us have actually tried the things that i've mentioned or just asked what specifically do you need from me in this marriage i mean have you asked her if your stressful job has affected her have you asked her if she feels taken for

granted have you asked her if she feels lonely lately have you asked her if she feels prioritized have you asked her anything related to how she's feeling good or bad i mean why not because you don't care because you think it'll start a fight because you know she cares about this stuff and if you bring it up you'll just be inviting her to complain more or because nobody told you how important it is to check in because i'm telling you it's important not checking in or communicating with your spouse and simply hoping to keep the

peace in the marriage usually does the opposite the thing that you're avoiding to save the relationship will eventually be the reason it ends because avoiding trying to resolve that tension avoiding listening to her hurt or anger not trying to understand her perspective whether it's intentional or not doesn't matter it only leads to distance and disconnection and usually divorce unintentional neglect and selfishness and pride can still kill your marriage so stop playing the victim stop unintentionally hurting your marriage and i get it that this stuff doesn't come natural i get it that you feel like she's

just making you feel like a failure she's attacking you unfairly it feels like she only brings up complaints and doesn't give you praise for what you're doing right i get that i have felt the same way but ignoring that cycle that you're stuck in where you continue to feel attacked and she continues to feel unheard or unprioritized isn't sustainable it will destroy your marriage that's where that path leads distance and disconnection take it from someone who's gone down that road i know where it leads i read a good quote from marriage psychologist john gottman he

says marriages die in the conversations that never happen some of you are avoiding conversations that need to happen some of you are purposely or accidentally ignoring conflicts that need to be addressed avoiding past wounds that need to be healed and i'm just warning you ignoring those conversations doesn't save the relationship it kills it but you can change that at any time the marriage you want is possible where there's connection and less fighting and more sex but that marriage isn't the result of avoidance or ignorance or apathy or laziness especially in your communication and for me

i had to learn the hard way that i don't know what i don't know but what i don't know can still hurt my spouse and my marriage and the truth is love always requires something from us doesn't it it must be demonstrated not just talked about it requires intentionality and sacrifice and selflessness and some of you haven't actually loved your spouse in years you only think you have and do you know what's easier than actually asking your wife what she needs to feel emotionally connected or prioritized or loved in this marriage and then taking steps

towards those it's easier to just mentally label her as too needy too sensitive it's easier to convince yourself she's just complaining again she's too emotional it's easier to never ask and just default to the way that you want to do things things would be easier if she just did marriage your way right and i don't know about you but pride and arrogance and selfishness and ignorance all come easy for me but do you know what was difficult for me to learn when i was trying to save my marriage empathy invalidation and emotional intelligence and self-reflection

those were hard prioritizing intimacy is hard asking my wife if she feels hurt or neglected or unappreciated because of me is hard listening to understand her perspective and not arguing or correcting or getting defensive isn't natural intentionality and humility and vulnerability don't come easy for me consideration and affection and mutual respect won't come naturally to most of us but that doesn't make them any less essential serving her and selflessness and remembering to love her in the ways that she feels loved most is not always easy getting rid of our destructive behaviors like criticism and blame

and defensiveness and dismissiveness is difficult and yet these aren't add-ons in your marriage it's not take them or leave them if you choose to not prioritize these intentional or not you're signing your divorce papers before they're even drawn up that's how serious it is and eventually i found out just how essential they are and god humbled me and leveled my marriage and i had to stop playing the victim and take some responsibility for the state of my marriage and in doing so i learned a few things i learned that even if i think things are

fine if my wife doesn't then things aren't fine i learned that culture has taught men that feelings and vulnerability are weaknesses forgetting to mention that they're also essential for any relationship with a woman to survive i learned that i'm pre-programmed to fail in my most intimate relationships my lack of self-awareness and emotional maturity is the perfect storm to sabotage my relationships and then make me blame them when it fails i learned that few marriages end due to an abundancy of intimacy and friendship and trust and vulnerability and healthy communication millions of marriages die or drift

apart due to a lack of those things and most men don't even think they're worth googling i learned that what we do as spouses affects the climate of our marriages and good people can still make bad spouses i learned that saying i do doesn't mean you can it just means you intend to and intentions mean jack without actual follow-through i learned that marriage requires things from you if you want it to be strong instead of weak love requires things of us if we want to actually have a successful healthy marriage things like selflessness and consideration

and kindness and mutual respect i learned that there's no cruise control if you aren't intentionally moving forward you're slowing down i learned that some days it's 50 50 but other days it's 80 20. what's not okay is if it stays unbalanced i learned that selfishness and pride and neglect are all subjective nobody thinks they're guilty of them but unintentional neglect still kills marriages are you man enough to ask her if she's felt unintentionally neglected or taken for granted i wasn't either hey what you doing working i learned that you're not a bad husband because you

unintentionally hurt your spouse but what makes you a bad husband is when she's vulnerable with you and actually admits to you that she feels hurt and you get defensive and you make excuses and dismiss her feelings you tell her why she shouldn't feel that way or why her feelings aren't your responsibility i learned that i had forgotten how to say the words i'm sorry i was wrong even though i didn't intend to hurt you i can understand how you could feel that way and i want to help repair any hurt i may have caused i

learned that inviting and encouraging her feelings and hurts and perspectives actually listening to understand her point of view validating her pain dealing with old wounds and hurts in the relationship with empathy bringing those up in a new way actually causes the conflicts and the complaints to go down not up i learned that marriages only thrive in climates of honesty and transparency and having a desire to fully know your spouse and be fully known by them and men you can't fully know her when you don't even know yourself i learned that trust and reliability are built

and maintained in the small consistent moments of thoughtfulness and kindness and respect and selflessness it's those small acts of consideration whether present or absent that make the biggest impact in our marriages and for the one percent of husbands that will actually take my advice for the very few of you that simply pick a few things and start doing them consistently you will see your marriage change into something great you'll be lovers again instead of just roommates you'll be friends instead of at each other's throats but it takes you willing to stop doing what's not working

and try something new my advice take it or leave it make a list write some things down put it on your bathroom mirror put it on your desk at work tattoo it on your arm for all i care and make sure every day you're doing things off of that list these things won't come natural to you you have to make them intentional habits but that's where real change is seen because marriages die in the things that you never got around to so ask her what's important to her because if it's important to her it's important

to you right and marriage doesn't need to be so complicated ask her specifically what she needs to feel emotionally safe and connected ask her what she specifically needs to feel loved and prioritized and valued and appreciated ask her what more vulnerability and intimacy would mean to her in this marriage and then when she says words write them down congratulations she just wrote your list for you do what's on the list because when i ask husbands what they think their wife's answers would be to those questions they have a tendency to say i don't know but

let's stop using that as an excuse and let's start acting like our marriage is important enough to find out thank you so much for watching can't wait to see in the next one