The Zipper Was In Front - Fact-Checking No. 45's Pants Scandal

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

After the internet delighted in the possibility that America's previous president was copying a look from the legendary rap duo Kriss Kross, people may be disappointed to hear that fact checkers have proven the president was not wearing his pants backwards at a speech in North Carolina last weekend. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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Video Transcript:

>> Stephen: WELL, HEY, THERE. WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. I'VE BEEN OFF FOR A WEEK, BUT I'M BACK. AND SO IS A LITTLE LADY I CAL THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BECAUSE PANDEMIC RESTRICTIONS ARE LIFTING AND FOLKS ARE GETTING BACK TO EVERYTHING WE MISSED: HUGGING, KISSING, SHARING A HOT DOG WITH A STRANGER LADY-AND-THE-TRAMP STYLE. COME ON! HELP ME HERE, CHRIS! COME ON! ( LAUGHTER ) MORE CONEY ISLAND FOR ME. OF COURSE, THE MOST IMPORTANT SIGN THAT THINGS ARE GETTING BACK TO NORMAL HAPPENS ONE WEEK FROM TONIGHT, WHEN I RETURN TO TE ED SULLIVAN THEATER FOR A SPECIAL SHOW WE'RE CALLING: THE LATE SHOW VAX IN ACTION: AN IMMUNITY THEATER PRODUCTION OF THE STATE OF THE REUNION, CART: WITH A LIVE BODY AUDI-AUDI-AUDIENCE! ( LAUGHTER ) YOU DIDN'T EXPECT THE HOT DOG TO COME BACK. WHY DON'T I HAVE A HOT DOG PROP. GET YOUR MONEY'S WORTH OUT OF THAT CONEY. ( LAUGHTER ) AMERICA'S SLOW CRAWL TO NORMALITY IS ALL THANKS TO THE VACCINE ROLLOUT. I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S: "THE VAX-SCENE." (SINGING TO "BEER BARREL POLKA") COME AND GET YOUR SHOT NOW THIS IS THE POKE YA POLKA WE POLKA WHILE WE POKE YA SO YOU DON'T GET CORONA COME AND GET YOUR SHOT NOW THIS IS THE POKE YA POLKA WE POLKA WHILE WE POKE YA WE ARE THE POKE YA POLKAS ♪♪♪ >> THANK YOU! VERY MUCH. GOOD NIGHT. THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT! ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: GRAPHICS GET PAID BY THE MINUTE, RIGHT? IS THAT WHY THEY'RE SO LONG? IMMUNIZATIONS HAVE BEEN SO EFFECTIVE, THAT WE JUST GOT THIS NEWS: >> COVID CASES ARE NOW AT THE LOWEST POINT IN THE UNITED STATES SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE PANDEMIC. >> STEPHEN: I'M NOT ACTUALLY SURPRISED. I'M JUST CELEBRATING THAT I CAN DO SPIT TAKES AGAIN. ENJOY THE ANTIBODIES, MARK. OVER THE MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND, SO MANY PEOPLE CAME OUT TO CELEBRATE THAT ONE CLUB MANAGER SAID, IT FELT LIKE THE END OF PROHIBITION. OF COURSE, BACK THEN IT WAS THE END OF MAKING BATHTUB GIN, AND NOW IT'S THE END OF DRINKING GIN IN THE BATHTUB. I'M GONNA MISS MY MR. BUBBLE GIMLETS. I'M SERIOUS, THERE'S LITERALLY SPITTLE ON THE LENS. HERE YOU GO. BRING IT BACK. BRING IT BACK. THERE YOU GO. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE ON NEXT WEEK THIS TIME? SLIPPERS. ( LAUGHTER ) I COULDN'T FIND MY SHOES! SO I SAID, ( BLEEP ) IT, I'LL WEAR SLIPPERS. WHAT DOES IT MATTER? I'M DOING IT IN A BROOM CLOSET. NEXT WEEK, I PROMISE, THIS IS MY PLEDGE TO AMERICA, I WILL NOT WEAR A FIVE-YEAR-OLD PEAR OF UGGS NEXT MONDAY NIGHT. IT'S NOT JUST NIGHTCLUBS AND BARS RE-OPENING. SAM'S CLUB AND COSTCO HAVE ANNOUNCED THEY'RE BRINGING BACK FREE SAMPLES. FINALLY, AMERICANS CAN GO BACK TO PLAYING OUR FAVORITE GROCERY GAME: IS THIS MEAT? THE ANSWER? I DON'T CARE. IT'S ON A TOOTHPICK, AND IT'S FREE. BUT SOME RE-OPENINGS ARE A LITTLE CHOPPIER, LIKE IN THE CRUISE INDUSTRY. BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF COVID, CRUISES BECAME FLOATING PRISONS OF MEDICAL-GRADE DESPAIR. BUT ROYAL CARIBBEAN HAS ANNOUNCED A US COMEBACK THIS SUMMER. THERE'S ONLY ONE CATCH: VACCINATIONS ARE OPTIONAL. WHAT THE WHAT? YOU CAN'T TRUST CRUISE PASSENGERS TO MAKE SMART HEALTH DECISIONS. THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO WAIT IN LINE TO SCOOP UP MACARONI SALAD FROM A BIN A TODDLER LOST A FLIP-FLOP IN. THE REASONS -- THERE ARE A LOT OF REASONS, THERE MANY REASONS THE VACCINES ARE OPTIONAL IS THAT A LOT OF THESE CRUISES DEPART FROM FLORIDA, WHERE THEY JUST PASSED A LAW THAT NOT ONLY PROHIBITS BUSINESSES FROM REQUIRING VACCINATIONS, BUT WILL FINE COMPANIES $5,000 EACH TIME THEY REQUIRE VACCINATION PROOF FROM A PATRON. THAT'S A TOUGH BEAT FOR FLORIDA COPS. ATTENTION ALL UNITS, WE HAVE A REPORT THAT COLDSTONE CREAMERY IS TRYING TO KEEP CUSTOMERS ALIVE. IMMEDIATELY REDIRECT ALL OFFICERS AWAY FROM THE METH-FUELED ALLIGATOR KNIFE FIGHT. GET ME A BROWNIE MIXIN. THE FIRST CRUISE IS SCHEDULED FOR JULY 2, AND TO ENSURE SAFETY, ROYAL CARIBBEAN IS CONDUCTING SIMULATION CRUISES. WHICH I ASSUME MEANS TESTING THE ENDURANCE OF PASSENGERS WITH A SHRIMP TEST DUMMY. SPEAKING OF THINGS OPENING UP, THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S MOUTH. ON SATURDAY NIGHT, "FATTY KRUGER" GAVE A SPEECH TO THE NORTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN PARTY, WHERE HE SAID A BUNCH OF STUFF BUT NOBODY PAID ATTENTION BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE HE WORE PANTS BACKWARDS. LET'S TAKE A PEEK: HERE HE IS, LEAVING THE PODIUM, AND LOOKING FOR THE ZIPPER... AND... NOTHING. EITHER HE SHARES A TAILOR WITH A KEN DOLL, OR HE SPENDS SO MUCH TIME YANKING STUFF OUT OF HIS KEISTER, IT JUST HELPS TO HAVE THE ZIPPER BACK THERE. BUT IT RAISED A LOT OF QUESTIONS, LIKE: HOW DID HE ZIP THE PANTS? WAS HIS BELT ALSO ON BACKWARDS? AND HOW LUCKY ARE WE THAT THIS MAN NO LONGER HAS THE NUCLEAR CODES? I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO ENJOYED THE IMAGE. ON TWITTER, THE FORMER PRESIDENT QUICKLY DREW COMPARISONS TO 90'S CHILD HIP-HOP DUO FAMOUS FOR WEARING THEIR PANTS BACKWARDS, KRISS KROSS. THAT'S RIDICULOUS. THEIR INITIALS ARE K-K, WHICH IS ONE LESS THAN THE EX PRESIDENT PREFERS. BUT THE BACKWARD PANTS PARTY ABRUPTLY ENDED WHEN THE FACT-SHACKLERS OVER AT SNOPES.COM CLARIFIED, NO, THE FORMER PRESIDENT DID NOT WEAR HIS PANTS BACKWARDS. OH, THEN I GUESS WE WON'T HAVE A THIRD IMPEACHMENT TRIAL NOW. IT'S A SHAME BECAUSE THEY'VE ALREADY DRAFTED THE ARTICLES OF IM-PANTS-MENT. THE FACT CHECKER EXPLAINED THAT SNOPES LOOKED THROUGH PHOTOGRAPHS TAKEN AT THE EVENT AND PUBLISHED BY THE VISUAL MEDIA COMPANY GETTY IMAGES THAT CLEARLY SHOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT ON STAGE WEARING PANTS WITH A ZIPPER IN THE FRONT. ADDING, HOW IS THIS MY JOB? MOM, YOU WERE RIGHT. I SHOULD HAVE WORKED FOR DAD AT THE LUMBER YARD. APPARENTLY, THE ORIGINAL VIDEO IS LOW RES, BUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE HI RES IMAGE, IT'S CLEAR HE'S GOT A ZIPPER. NORMALLY, WHEN YOU PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO HIS CROTCH, YOU GET $130,000. BUT THIS IS ALARMING, BECAUSE IT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING: SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET ISN'T TRUE! YOU KNOW FOLKS, MOVING ON, AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES ARE LIKE UNICORNS: RARELY SEEN, MOSTLY WHITE, HORNY, AND DON'T PAY TAXES. BUT THERE'S MORE THAN ONE KIND: YOUR RUN-OF-THE-MILL MULTIBILLIONAIRE PUTTERS AROUND IN THEIR PERSONAL SUBMARINE LIKE SOME KIND OF SEA PEASANT, AND THE TRUE HYPER-ELITES HAVE THEIR OWN SPACE PROGRAMS. I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF -- (ECHOING) SPAAACE NEEEEWWS! BILLIONAIRES IN SPACE EDITION! FIRST UP, AMAZON FOUNDER AND HIGH SCHOOL SCIENCE TEACHER HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS, JEFF BEZOS. TODAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT BEZOS IS GOING TO SPACE. THAT IS FANTASTIC! ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR-- WHAT'S THAT? HE'S COMING BACK? NEVER MIND. BEZOS IS GOING TO BE RIDING ON THE FIRST CREWED FLIGHT OF THE NEW SHEPARD, THE ROCKET SHIP MADE BY HIS SPACE COMPANY, BLUE ORIGIN. AS PREPARATION FOR SPACEFLIGHT, BEZOS HAS ASKED HIS WAREHOUSE WORKERS TO SHOW HIM HOW TO PEE DISCREETLY INTO A TUBE. BEZOS IS GOING TO GO UP THERE WITH HIS BROTHER, WHICH IS NICE, BUT THE BEZOS BRO SPACE ADVENTURE WILL BE SHORT BECAUSE, THE ASTRONAUTS WILL, EXPERIENCE WEIGHTLESSNESS FOR NEARLY THREE MINUTES. OR AS AMAZON WAREHOUSE WORKERS CALL IT: LUNCH. OF COURSE, BEZOS'S CHIEF BILLIONAIRE RIVAL IN SPACE EXPLORATION IS SpaceX FOUNDER AND COMEDIC VOICE OF A GENERATION, ELON MUSK. THIS TRIP MEANS THAT BEZOS IS GETTING TO SPACE BEFORE MUSK. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT MUSK'S SPACE X HAD SOME SWEET NASA CONTRACTS, BUT JUST LAST MONTH FOLLOWING PROTESTS FROM JEFF BEZOS' BLUE ORIGIN, NASA AND SPACEX'S $2.9 BILLION CONTRACT HAS BEEN SUSPENDED. BUT MUSK HASN'T TAKEN IT LYING DOWN. IN RESPONSE TO BEZOS' PROTEST, HE TWEETED CAN'T GET IT UP -- TO ORBIT -- LOL. CAN'T GET IT UP? HAVE YOU SEEN JEFF BEZOS? HE IS IT UP IN A BLUE SHIRT. NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE NOT ASKING: JUST WHY ARE THESE BILLION-AHOLES GOING AT IT LIKE THIS? MAYBE BECAUSE THERE ARE DEFENSE CONTRACTS AND SATELLITE BASED INTERNET DEALS AT STAKE WITH TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO BE MADE. TRILLIONS! IF ONE OF THESE GUYS MADE A TRILLION BUCKS, IMAGINE HOW MUCH NO TAXES THEY WOULD PAY. IN OTHER SPACE NEWS, IT FEELS LIKE FOR THE LAST MONTH, WE'VE BEEN GETTING NEW HOT SCOOPS ABOUT U.F.O.S, WITH ALL KINDS OF UNEXPLAINED OBJECTS ZOOMING AROUND NEAR THE US MILITARY CAPTURED IN SHAKY, GRAINY FOOTAGE. IT'S ALL PART OF THE BUILDUP TO THE RELEASE OF AN UPCOMING GOVERNMENT REPORT ON U.F.O.S. IT'S NOT OUT YET, BUT THERE'S GOOD NEWS: OFFICIALS HAVE BEEN BRIEFED ON THE FINDINGS, AND, FOLKS, WE'VE GOT THE INSIDE SCOOP. GRAB YOUR TINFOIL AND HIDE YOUR BRAINWAVES BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, U.S. FINDS NO EVIDENCE OF ALIEN TECHNOLOGY IN FLYING OBJECTS, BUT CAN'T RULE IT OUT, EITHER. OH, MY GOD! THE ONLY WAY TO HAVE KNOWN THAT WOULD BE TO HAVE NOT READ THE REPORT. COME ON, NASA, THAT'S NOT TELLING US ANYTHING. THERE'S A REASON THE X-FILES SLOGAN WASN'T THERE IS NO EVIDENCE FOR THE TRUTH BEING OUT THERE. BUT WE CAN'T RULE OUT THE TRUTH BEING NOT IN HERE. IT FEELS LIKE THEY'RE JUST FILING THIS REPORT BECAUSE THEY PROMISED TO HAVE IT READY BY JUNE. THE REPORT ITSELF CONCEDES THAT MUCH ABOUT THE OBSERVED PHENOMENA REMAINS DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN, INCLUDING THEIR ACCELERATION, AS WELL AS ABILITY TO CHANGE DIRECTION AND SUBMERGE. WELL, IF YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN IT, THEN MAYBE DON'T TURN IN THE REPORT YET. YOU'RE LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR: "MOBY DICK IS ABOUT A WHALE AND A MAN ON A BOAT AND SOME STUFF ABOUT KNOTS, BUT THE REST OF THE BOOK REMAINS DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN BECAUSE I DIDN'T FINISH IT. TONY HAD EVERYBODY UP TO THE LAKE HOUSE THIS WEEKEND. CALL ME ISHMAEL." THE ONLY CONCRETE ASSERTION THAT THE GOVERNMENT MAKES IS THAT THE LAST 20 YEARS OF U.F.O. INCIDENTS DID NOT ORIGINATE FROM ANY AMERICAN MILITARY OR OTHER ADVANCED U.S. GOVERNMENT TECHNOLOGY. SO IT IS TOTALLY AMERICAN MILITARY OR OTHER ADVANCED US GOVERNMENT TECHNOLOGY. BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY'RE GONNA LIE. THAT'S WHY IN THE 80S YOU NEVER SAW A GOVERNMENT REPORT TITLED: OKAY, YOU GOT US. CARDS ON THE TABLE: WE BUILT A STEALTH BOMBER LOOK HOW BADASS THIS IS! BUT THEY INSIST IT'S NOT AMERICAN, AND SOME OFFICIALS BELIEVE THE PHENOMENA COULD HAVE BEEN EXPERIMENTAL TECHNOLOGY FROM A RIVAL POWER, MOST LIKELY RUSSIA OR CHINA. HMM, JIM, CAN YOU SHOW ME A STILL OF THAT FOOTAGE? CAN YOU ZOOM IN? NOW ENHANCE... BUSTED! AT THAT ALTITUDE, HIS NIPPLES MUST BE LIKE DIAMONDS. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS CHRIS MATTHEWS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OUR UNINFORMED CORRESPONDENT BOOTSIE PLUNKETT EXPLORES THIS SUMMER'S CICADA SWARM. STICK AROUND. ♪♪♪

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