Every Ricky Gervais Golden Globes 2009-2020

hello hello and welcome to the 67th annual Golden Globe Awards live from Los Angeles I'm Ricky Gervais thank you you you probably know me as the creator of the office no you don't do you you think Steve Carell did you know oh he's brilliant isn't he Steve Carell he's amazing as the bumbling office manager where does he get his ideas from let's pay him hundreds of millions of dollars and put them in every movie if you can't be bothered to go to the cinema to see Steve in action then just watching might be Thursday here

on NBC or if you think that particular version of the show is jump the shark a little bit this was some of the forums the saying then watch the original Fridays on Adult Swim or get the box set that's still available so just just just twelve episodes in a special quality not quantity that's what counts oh yeah so go and get that and I will be making the most of this opportunity I'm not used to these sort of viewing figures let's face it Knorr NBC so on a serious note just looking at all the faces

here reminds me of some of the great work that's been done this year by cosmetic surgeons you all look great a little bit of work done about cheek implants they put them there which is annoying and I uh I've had a penis reduction just got the one now that's you know and and it is very tiny so my hands so well I'm holding it looks pretty big and let's face it I usually am holding it our shops doing that now instead of this to be honest for this it is an honor to be here in

a room full of what I consider to be the most important people on the planet habitus they're just they're just better than ordinary people aren't they know that we all know that imagine a world without actors oh god it doesn't bear thinking about imagine if I ever went on strike Oh what would we do you couldn't replace them you couldn't replace them with any other professions lawyers or doctors can you imagine a real surgeon doing what Hugh Laurie does in house it would be pathetic it'd be all over the place I don't know where do

I stand how's my American accent well what's my lines you know Hugh with the aid of coaches that can eventually learn his lines while saving lives he's a genius how could you replace Kiefer Sutherland in 24 I'd love to see a real anti-terrorist agent try and defuse a bomb in a busy train station in one hour some of those scenes by the way where Kiefer grabs on and beats him to a pulp they weren't even in the script the director just said keep rolling we're working into them but actors aren't just loved here in Hollywood

they are loved the world over because they're recognizable you can be anyone you could be in the third world okay and you get a glimpse of a Hollywood star and it makes you feel better okay you could be a little a little child a little asian child with no possessions and no money but you get a you see a picture of Angelina Jolie and you think mummy [Applause] Oh thank you let's get on with it before NBC replaced me with Jay Leno please welcome one of the stars of nine Nicole Kidman [Music] well it's going

well isn't it we've had we've seen some worthy winners and some not so worthy ones let's go no I'm not gonna mention him now am i I'll be doing that on my blog at Ricky Gervais is calm I've had thousands of emails over the past few days saying yoy was the invention of lying not nominated I don't know I just don't know maybe the DVD win an award that's out Tuesday at Walmart [Applause] so go and buy that one thing that can't be bought is a golden bow officially [Applause] I'm not gonna do this again

anyway but if you were to buy one the mantasy would be Phillip Burke to introduce him although I already have that seems rather pointless but she's here now ladies and gentlemen from Desperate Housewives Felicity Huffman [Applause] [Music] the serious fit now the Golden Globes is shown all over the world it is oblivious to color or creed it doesn't just celebrate talent it celebrates difference it crushes prejudice and stereotype one stereotype I hate is that all Irishmen are just drunk sweary hellraisers please welcome Colin Farrell [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] this next category is a bit

of a downer to be honest it is for writing [Music] we all know writers get way too much credit in Hollywood and that's due to the generosity of actors sometimes mentioning them I mean but what would writers do without actors I don't want to keep going on about actors but they're the most important ones okay it's not the words you say it's how good you look when you're saying them that everyone knows that and the great thing about actors is they want to keep moving forward they're chameleons ever-changing and leaving the past behind please welcome

Rachel our friends and that bloke from 300 [Applause] hello calm down calm down we're on the home straight the next presenter is an award-winning actress with special powers in Die Another Day she used her powers of seduction to win over James Bond in x-men she used her powers to control the elements in Catwoman she used the power of being able to wash herself all over and she's the poor for behind the ear it's brilliant please welcome the very clean Halle Berry [Applause] [Music] how you doing right it is about a couple I'm not gonna lie

to you listen up I haven't offended anyone I didn't mean it's not my fault it's a lot of powerful people here so if I said it's honestly I like a drink as much the next man unless the next man is Mel Gibson [Applause] the next presenter is not only one of Hollywood's best actors he's also one of the coolest men in the world I'm a bad word to say about him mostly because he's got arms as big as my legs please welcome the amazing Mickey Rourke [Applause] well that's it we've got about eight seconds so

thank you so much well done to all the winners and if I could have one wish it would be peace on earth no can I change that I want everyone to watch the Ricky Gervais show on HBO that start for 19th of February good night [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you hello and hello welcome to the 68th Annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles it's going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking or as Charlie Sheen calls it breakfast Wow whoa so let's get this straight what he

did was he he picked up a porn star paid her to have dinner with him introduced her to his ex-wife as you do went to old Tao got got drunk got naked trashed the place while she was locked in the cupboard and that was a Monday what what did he do New Year's Eve anyway welcome the Golden Globes is a celebration of the best in TV and movies over the last year voted for by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association it was a big year for 3d movies Toy Story Despicable Me Tron seems like everything this

year was 3-dimensional except the characters in The Tourist I feel bad about that joke all right no no I tell you why I'm jumping on the bandwagon cuz I haven't even seen the tourist who has no it must be good because it's nominated so shut up okay and I'd like to quash this ridiculous rumor going round that the only reason the tourist was nominated was so the Hollywood Foreign Press could hang out with Johnny Depp in Angelina Jolie that is that is rubbish that is not the only reason they also accepted bribes let's [Applause] No

all that happened was some of them were taken to see cher in concert how the hell is that a bribe really you wanna go to see cher no why not because it's not 1975 there are a lot of big films that didn't get nominated this year nothing for Sex in the City - no I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster great job girls we know how old you are I've saw one of you in an episode of bonanza [Applause] also not nominated I love you

Philip Morris Jim Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor to heterosexual actors pretending to be gay so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists then probably my lawyer has helped me with a wording of that joke they're not here okay there's been some great new TV drama this year like Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead so talking of the walking dead congratulations to Hugh Heffner who was getting married at the age of 84 to 24-year old beauty Crystal Harris when she was asked why she was marrying him she said because he lied about his age he told

me it was 94 oh come on don't worry hold out and just just don't look at it when you touch it [Applause] a warden one of the biggest events in TV this year was the finale of lost one of my favorites and now all the questions were answered the air I have to say though it was quite a complicated finale I'm not sure I totally understood it all but from what I can make out I'm pretty sure the fat one at them all I think should we get on with it our first presenter is beautiful

talented and Jewish apparently Mel Gibson told me that he's obsessed please welcome Scarlett Johansson [Applause] like pac-man okay you know our next presenter from such films as Hudson Hawk look who's talking mercury rising color of night fifth element hearts war please welcome Ashton Kutcher's dad Bruce Willis [Applause] [Music] next up Eva Longoria has the daunting task of introducing the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press that's nothing I just had to help him off the toilet and pop his teeth in whose messy please welcome the evil of Gloria [Applause] that's my favorite film of the year

the creator of Facebook of course Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly worth seven billion dollars had the mill was cause him the one that got away the net the next two presenters are funny charming and down-to-earth he's alec from the rock she's just Jenny from the block if the blocking question is that one on Rodeo Drive between cartier and Prada please welcome Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez all right I love this next presenter he's so cool he's the star of Iron Man two girls and a guy Wonder Boys sorry these porn films Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Bowfinger

really yeah the Academy come on he has done all those films but many of you in this room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail please welcome Robert Downey jr. our next presenters are two of the funniest people in America she stole the show on Saturday Night Live then went on to create write and star their own show 30 rock he was a job in actor career not going that well if I'm being totally honest who-who got his big break when I cast him in a

remake of a show that I created called the office he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us please welcome the wonderful Tina Fey and the ungrateful Steve [Applause] [Music] [Applause] welcome back now our next presenters are young and thin with the hair and teeth they're lovely to look at which is just as well because they're presenting the Award for Best Foreign Language Film a category that no one in America cares about please welcome Olivia Wilde and Robert Pattinson [Applause] [Music] okay what can I say about our next two presenters

the first is an actor producer writer and director whose movies have grossed over three and a half billion dollars at the box office he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for his powerful and varied performances starring in such films as Philadelphia Forrest Gump castaway Apollo 13 and Saving Private Ryan the other is Tim Allen [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome back the next presenter is the national treasure Miss Congeniality yourself this down to earth girl next door first stole our hearts as a bus driver and then as a railway fare collector now of course she

wouldn't be seen dead on public transport because the she just said to me backstage poor people are gross and they smell bad please welcome Sandra Bullock [Applause] [Music] thank you very much that's about it well done justice there Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports thanks to NBC thanks the Hollywood Foreign Press thank you for watching at home and thank you to God for making me an atheist thank you [Music] [Applause] [Music] so where was I nervous don't be this isn't about you right hello I'm Ricky device and welcome to the 69th Annual

Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles voted for by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association tonight you get Britain's biggest comedian hosting the world's second biggest award show on America's third biggest network so is it for this for for any of you don't know the Golden Globes are just like the Oscars but without all that esteem the Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton basically well bit louder bit trashy bit drunker and more easily bought allegedly nothing's been proved but who needs this cuz not me

I'm not Eddie Murphy he walked out on him he said no and good for him but when the man who said yes to Norbit says no to you you know you're in trouble I love Eddie Murphy love's dress doesn't he um versatile is versatile know he is bit of trivia for you actually Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler between them played all the parts in the movie the help and that brilliant they were brilliant I can't believe they're not here or maybe they are their masters of disguise they could be now the Hollywood Foreign Press have

warned me that if I saw any of you or any of them or offend any viewers or caused any controversy whatsoever they'll definitely invite me back next year as well they actually gave me a list of rules I'm going to ignore them but I thought it would be good to read them out okay this is real okay no profanity that's fine I've got a huge vocabulary no nudity see that's a shame because I've got a huge vocabulary but a tiny penis no that's true doesn't matter I don't care it works don't worry about it it's

fine it's fine I don't know smut or innuendo and I'm not too liable anyone and I mustn't mention Mel Gibson this year not his private life is politics his recent films and especially not Jodie Foster's beaver I haven't seen it myself I've spoken to a lot of guys here they haven't seen either but that doesn't mean it's not any good sorry I don't care it's been an amazing year in show business it's not all been good news what's with all the divorces what's going on I mean Arnold Oh Maria JLo and Mark Antony Ashton and

to me Kim Kardashian and some guy no one had ever remember he wasn't he wasn't around long 72 days a marriage that lasted 72 days I've sat through longer James Cameron acceptance speeches other celebrity scandal Justin Bieber nearly had to take a paternity test what a waste of a test that would have been no he's not the father the only way that he could have impregnated a girl was if he'd borrowed one of Martha Stewart's old turkey basters open white and it's been a big year for women in film bridesmaids one of my favorite comedies

of the year yeah the girls finally proved that they can be as wrong as the men farting burping cursing performing wild sex acts even pooping in the sink I actually heard for a search the cast spent the weekend with Dame Helen Mirren she's dreadful honestly you don't you don't see a lot of because she's got good PR but she's off the rails but the golden blows aren't just about movies it also celebrates the best in TV as well new shows like the amazing homeland which is justing it's amazing and returning shows like Boardwalk Empire I

love that show it's great it's a pleasure it's about a load of immigrants who came to America about 100 years ago and they got involved in bribery and corruption and they worked their way up into high society but enough about the Hollywood Foreign Press I'm joking I love them and they're good sports for inviting me back and what I didn't know what they do an awful lot for charity and their non profit organization just like NBC so thank we get on with it this time last year our first presenter was the biggest movie star on

the planet but I insulted his film the tourist causing his career to plummet so far that he was forced to work with me on my new show life's too short which premieres on HBO on February please welcome the man who will wear literally anything timber and tells him to Johnny dare [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] just for I want to ask you a question it's real you can have some just checking yeah and be honest are you on recreational drugs I'm joking now that's not the question and we all know the answer have you ready I

guess have you seen the tourists yet [Applause] No boy he's fun shut up you disgusting pill popping sexual deviant scum I want to do this monologue and then go into hiding okay not even Sean Penn will find me [Applause] snitch hello and welcome to the 73rd annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel with all these rich beautiful celebrities having the time of their lives let's hope no one spoils that yeah relax I'm gonna try and be nice your global mega stars with amazing talent most of you a few of you just married

well you know who you are we all do we all do we're live on NBC and it's right the NBC hosts this award show because they're the only network who are truly fair and impartial and that's because they're the only network with zero nominations so nothing in it for them tonight they don't care who they don't care obviously but as I say I'm gonna be nice tonight I've changed not as much as Bruce Jenner obviously now Caitlyn Jenner of course what a year she's had she became a role model for trans people everywhere showing great

bravery in breaking down barriers in destroying stereotypes she didn't do a lot for women drivers you can't have everything can you not at the same time anyway so I'm gonna be nice tonight and I'll tell you why the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press just told me if I say anything offensive or crass or resort to innuendo he is going to come out here and personally pull me off so that's an offer I couldn't refuse yes yes that is the level an old man pulling me off again at least jeffrey tambor did it in a

dress what a year he's had oh what an actor what a role yet no it's every day he has to put on all that women's clothes and the hair and makeup and let people film it that takes balls so I don't know how he does it I really don't I've seen his balls they're huge and long I don't if he tucked him in the bra does nothing when you push him out the back and let him hang out like a bulldog no one knows I love Jeffrey Tambor I don't know if that's because he's such

a great actor or because he reminds me of my nan one Hollywood publication said that me hosting would mean that some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of as it film stars a stay away from the chance of winning a golden glow' particularly their film company has already paid for it [Applause] so what's happened this last year in this crazy business we called show the excellent spotlight has been nominated yeah the the Catholic Church are furious about the film as it exposes the fact that 5% of all their priests have

repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood and she received the air overwhelming support from people everywhere there were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying how the how could a 25 year old live on 52 million this is but there were plumbers around the world oh poor girl UN's okay now so but joking aside of course women should be that paid the same as men for

doing the same job and I'd like to say now that I'm getting paid exactly the same as Tina and Amy did last year mostly no I know there was two of them but it's not my fault if they want to share the money is it that's their stupid Bowl yeah it's funny because it's true the Hollywood Foreign Press deemed the Martian a comedy and even nominated it and hence Matt Damon is here tonight so that worked a treat to be fair the Martian was a lot funnier than pixels but then again so was Schindler's List

it's just a film all female remakes are the big thing there's a female remake of ghostbusters there's going to be a female remake of Ocean's eleven and this is brilliant for the studios because they get guaranteed box office results and they don't have to spend too much money on the cast so [Applause] shut up I don't care listen if you do win tonight remember that no one cares about that award as much as you do okay don't get emotional it's embarrassing okay that award is no offense worthless it's a bit of metal that some nice

old confused journalists want it did give you in person so they could meet you and have a selfie with you okay that's all it is I've got three I've got three Golden Globes myself so I can set ones a doorstop when I use to hit burglars with and when I keep by the bed - doesn't matter why it's mine it's mine it's I won it fair and square it's just the right shape and size it's nothing yeah so to be clear that was a joke about me shoving golden globes that I've won up my ass

and they asked me to host four times let's do the show shall we on a serious note the Golden Globes are about excellence to win one you have to do something amazing neither of our first two presenters have won a Golden Globe I don't know what they're doing here really I don't choose the guests please welcome the fantastic Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill welcome back the Golden Globes doesn't have an in memoriam section to get you all depressed instead we let the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press say a few words please welcome Lorenzo Soria

is the star of the hilarious comedy the Martian [Laughter] oh I nearly died right he's also the only person who Ben Affleck hasn't been unfaithful to please welcome Matt Damon [Music] [Applause] Eva Longoria and America Ferrera aren't just beautiful talented actresses there are also two people who your future President Donald Trump can't wait to deport please welcome Eva Longoria and America Ferrera joy and trainwreck no not the names of Charlie Sheen's two favorite hookers the films of our next two presenters their best friends by the way they wanted me to tell you that and if

you forget they said they they'd treat you and remark basically they're there come round and shout it through their best friend it's like they've never had a friend before please welcome Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence oh this show is way too long in it it's way too new this could be half an hour [Laughter] this one was in the writers strike when they just read the winners and just okay let's go through it right unbelievable some people still think this award means something the winners just listen to me listen it doesn't just write when Brad

and Angelina see our next two adorable little presenters they're gonna want to adopt them please welcome Kevin Hart and Ken Jeong right listen this is Josh just shut up really seriously right a few years ago on this show I made a joke about Mel Gibson getting a bit drunk and saying a few unsavory things we've all done it I wasn't judging him but now I find myself in the awkward position of having to introduce him again listen I'm sure it's embarrassing for both of us okay and I blame NBC for this terrible situation now blames

we know Mel bangs [Laughter] [Applause] listen I still feel a bit bad for it right Mel's forgotten all about it apparently that's what drinking does no I want to say somewhat nice about now before he comes out so oh yeah okay here go I'd rather have a drink with him in his hotel room tonight than with Bill Cosby please Malcolm now Gibson [Applause] yeah I love seeing Ricki once every three years because it reminds me to get a colonoscopy yeah well if you'd left your drink you don't need to leave your drink here I'll put

you to sleep another way that a little bit listen yes can I ask you a question go ahead I think we all wanting out of this I don't know that's the guy that said it it wasn't me kill me right please no I mean no joke this is what [ __ ] right our next presenter is the most respected actor in the room that isn't saying much these welcome Morgan Freeman you filth all of it welcome back to the Golden Globes our next presenter is an actress who is both beautiful and talented born in England

she came to America and has taken Hollywood by storm the star of the nominated movie the Danish girl please it's a dude Eddie Redmayne hello and welcome to the 77th annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel here in Los Angeles I'm Ricky Gervais thank you you're you'll be pleased to know this is the last time I'm hosting these awards so I don't care anymore um I'm joking I never did MBC clearly don't care either fifth time so I mean Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars because of some offensive tweets hello lucky

for me the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely speak English and they have no idea what Twitter is so I got offered this gig by fax so let's go out with a bang let's have a laugh at your expense shall we remember they're just jokes we're all gonna die soon and there's no sequel so yeah remember that but you all look lovely old old up you came here in your limos I came here in a limo tonight and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman so no sure it said it's her daughter I feel sorry

for okay that must be the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to her and her dad was in wild hogs so lots of big celebrities here tonight I mean legends icons yeah look at this table alone Al Pacino Robert De Niro baby Oh Doug oh that's Joe Pesci's sorry um I Love You Man don't have me whacked um but tonight isn't just about the people in front the camera in this room are some of the most important TV and film executives in the world people from every background but they all have one thing in common

they're all terrified of Ronan Farrow he's coming for you he's coming for you look talking of all you perverts it was a big year it was a big year for pedophile movies surviving our Kelly leaving Neverland to Pope's shadow shadow I don't care I don't care many talented people of color were snubbed in major categories unfortunately there's nothing we can do about that the Hollywood Foreign Press are all very very racist so fifth time so we were gonna do an in memoriam this year but when I saw the list of people that had died it

wasn't diverse enough they just no it was mostly white people and I thought now not on my watch maybe next year let's let's see what happens no one cares about movies anymore no one goes to cinema no one really what is network TV everyone's watching Netflix this show should just be me coming out going well done Netflix you win everything good night but no no we got a drag out for three hours you could binge watch the entire first season of afterlife instead of watching this show that that's a show about a man who wants

to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer and it's still more fun than this okay spoiler alert season two is on the way so in the end he obviously didn't kill himself just like Jeffrey Epstein shut up I know he's your friend but I don't care if you like to make your own way here in your own playing didn't ya right but seriously most films are awful lazy remakes sequels I've heard a rumor that there might be a sequel to Sophie's Choice I mean that had just been Meryl Streep going what it's got to

be this one [Applause] all the best actors have jumped to Netflix and HBO you know and the actors who just do Hollywood movies now do fantasy adventure nonsense they wear mast and capes and really tight costumes their job isn't acting anymore it's going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids rarely oh we got uh we got an award for most grip junkie no no point we know he'd win that um Martin Scorsese the greatest living director made the news for his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise he said they're not real cinema and

they remind him of theme parks I agree although I don't know what he's doing hanging around theme parks he's not big enough to go on the rides tiny right the Irishman was amazing it was amazing um that was my fact mostly it was great long but amazing it wasn't the only epic movie once upon a time in Hollywood nearly three hours long Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere and by the end his date was too old for him even Prince Andrews like come on leo mate you know you're nearly 50 son the world got to see

James Corden as a fat [ __ ] it was also in the movie cats but no one saw that and the reviews are shocking I saw one that said this is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs right but Dame Judi Dench defended the film saying it was the role she was born to play because she I can't do this next day because she loves nothing better than plonking herself down on the carpet lifting her leg and licking her furball furball she's old school it's the last time who cares Oh Apple rolled into

the the TV game with a morning show a superb drama yeah a superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing made by a company that runs sweatshops in China so will you say you woke but the companies you work for I mean unbelievable Apple Amazon Disney if Isis started a streaming service you'd call your agent wouldn't you so if you do win an award tonight don't use it as a platform to make a political speech right you're in no position to lecture the public about anything you know nothing about the real

world most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thumb Berg so if you win right come up except you little award faint your agent and your god it's already three hours long right let's do the first award the first award the first award is for Best Actor in a television series Musical or Comedy to present the award are a couple of actors off the telly what can I say Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon