I Was Addicted To Gambling At 16 Years Old | The Other Side | Channel 4 Documentaries

I was 18 years old when I first told my mom about my gambling addiction I lost about the 40 Grand and then I've lost a further 880,000 or so over the years I've been Rock Bottom this year I considered just sort of exting stage left how do you feel seeing yourself like that I'm really glad that that version of me doesn't exist or at least doesn't exist at this point in my [Music] life at 16 I won 64 Grand from a 50p bet it's kind of hard to describe exactly how you feel you just you

generally do just feel top of the world I did know it was life-changing at the time to win that amount of money I just didn't realize what part of my life would be changing that was basically my Gateway into gambling the closer I got towards being 18 the more I deluded myself that I was actually good at it like let me in like get me get me going again let me use this money I want to make more and more and more and then that didn't happen I lost about the 40 Grand and then I've

lost a further 80,000 or so over 11 years of addiction the biggest thing in my life at the moment is just trying to stay clean hello when was the last time you placed a bet the last bet I placed was 3 days ago my last bet was in the middle of January of this year what is your job currently I'm seeking employment at the moment after being let go from my marketing job I work as a distal conss officer for a gambling harms charity how much is your in your bank account my bank is zero

pennies in there I've got a few thousand pounds left in my bank at the moment um with some of it going to a lifetime iser what does addiction mean to you addiction is like a massive grasp on you it just it won't let you go you will exhaust every other option by none to keep going with it it'll just keep keep it'll keep you down it'll keep you down but whilst you're in the moment and whilst you are properly involved in whatever addiction you've got so for me gambling for as long as I'm doing it

I will be deluded into thinking it's actually making me feel really good it's really hard to think of like addiction is something you should actually try and leave behind and and move on and do other things and it's easier said than done and it's been a journey and that might have been in part why I did a little relapse like what do I do after addiction who who am I as like a person however toxic it is for me it is or was part of my life my addiction has cost me obviously financially but the

biggest thing for me is my time you know you can look forward I can look forward but there's still 10 years of life that was scarred and uh tainted by gambling would you describe yourself as addicted to gambling I would use both terms or of problem Gambler or gambling addict I would describe myself as addicted to gambling because I know the moment I turn on that tap I'm I'm back in the world and very aggressively and what's the most extreme length you've gone to fuel your addiction the most extreme thing with the scambling addiction is

what I've done is with the payday loans in 2023 taking out six loans within 7 days when I've gone back to them and said would you ever write this off with my mental state they've always turned back to me and said well in your declaration you've said that you've indicated you won't be using this for gambling you can have counseling I could have all the bank blocks in the world but if I ultimately never wanted to stop or don't want to stop that always futile what's Rock Bottom looked like I've been Rock Bottom this year

I'd reached sort of a a crisis point of becoming so tired of the monotonous recovery relapse recovery relapse process that I considered just sort of exit in stage left just calling it quits because it becomes so tiresome to just get clean be happy about it and then fall back into the Trap of the bad habit so I'd reached a crisis point where I was in my car and thought do I really want to go through with that recovery phase anymore it became much more daunting compared to the first time of trying to get clean where

it felt like yeah I really want to get clean like I really want to fight this it's like I lost a bit of yeah spirit and fight within me it's it's it's strange I mean I even just like looking at me like physically I think like I look ill and I think for the longest time I just considered that I could hide how I looked physically like when I was Ill from gambling and the fact that it comes out quite transparent in this film is like like kind of a little bit mind-blowing what was going

on in your life when we first long the last there had been a lot of like internal turmoil like the four months basically in the leadup to that interview where life just wasn't where I wanted it to be and partly where I didn't really want to be around anymore um I just I felt kind of completely lost didn't really have a purpose or a drive I'm just yeah I'm really glad that I've I've left that phase in my life of that version of me behind how's your relation ship with your parents they don't understand gambling

addiction and they never will to the extent that someone with a lived in experience will but still recognizing it as an illness as it should be so like they've been there to support me just to get me through the days they just wanted to make me better my biggest suppor like still my parents they're just so emotionally strong for me they're there for me again and again and again and it's like just unrelenting in the nicest way possible that's your nan died in September what impact do you think that's had on your recovery once my

nan had had passed away I a few days after I started to really like reflect on the choices I made whilst I was going through that four month spell at the start of last year of gambling gambling gambling I wasn't seeing anyone and that included my nan I could have visited at any time and yeah I chose to gamble and yeah it was it was really hard to to let go of that guilt of like I missed out on all the opportunity and no matter how clean I stay now I'll never get to do that

with her and that was like ultimately I kind of came around to this point of view of like she would just want me to be myself again to be whole and like that's the biggest kind of gift or or or I guess um tribute that I can give give her now really that's what I can do how are you mentally right now it did get better when I was clean prior to this for a few months it did start to subside and I had some days of content but recently I really relapsed and it's affected

me again quite badly on both like the anxiety depression struggling with the Sleep having a lot of Shame and and and feeling quite sick you know especially when I'm alone with my thoughts yeah it's honestly I do feel night and day from that from a mental Clarity kind of point of view I just it's so much quieter up there and that can have its pros and cons you know you can sometimes feel quite empty without it because it's all you've known and at that time it was still part really part of my life and now

it's just that settling where it's it's just steady and I'm almost waiting for a spike and that was again the hardest thing for me to accept that life should just be like that what was the last thing you bought it's actually really tough because like as an addict I just don't buy things like my value of things is is even when I've had money and being clean from it the idea of going into like H&M or something and getting a 30 quid nice top would be like a big big decision for me but a 300

bet is like yeah you can do that that's an easy thing to think about like why even doubting yourself like just go in all in yeah it's it's uh it's crazy to think like the relationship with with money has kind of changed for me that that has been the trickiest thing since being clean it's just like rewarding myself you know I've able to recently like go on holiday I felt very at ease for for a a first time in in a long long time like that's something that this guy here wouldn't have like trt or

even possible of like doing or wouldn't even thought where to start I always deluded myself that gambling would be the way I'd be able to go and get a house to be able to go and get a nice car and yet the way that's only ever been possible in my life has been by not gambling what does recovery mean for you to find to find contentment is my key to recovery like I don't expect to be the happiest person on the planet I don't want to be rich and and and like a CEO in three

years I generally just want to feel content and wake up not stressing about I want to have the daily stress I don't want to have the this this artificial stress that I've created for myself I generally just want to feel at peace yeah that's that's that that's like being a millionaire to me is having the peace it honestly feels like I've got you get rich from it just being just being a normal 28-year old which just at that juncture I just wasn't I I just wasn't that person so the fact that I've been able to

sort of get from there to now that's that's the biggest part of recovery I don't think the recovery ever stops but it does definitely feels like I'm hole again definitely [Music]