Why You Lose Motivation In Your 20's

I've moved to the US. I'm away from my parents and I no longer have to do anything. So, I'm not doing anything.

You're not burnt out. You're free. And then if you feel ashamed, you'll act.

And if you don't feel ashamed, you won't act. It's a terrible way to live life. Do I want to be a person who does what they feel like or does what they intend?

Hi, Dr K. In the past year, I moved to the US from Canada to get married. Due to that whole process, I had to quit my job back in Canada and have been unemployed for a year.

I'm currently trying to find a job in my field, which is tech, or even navigate to a completely different profession if I can. But I'm struggling with what I think is a burnout phase. I believe it stems from trying so hard to overachieve when I was younger because of having strict Asian parents.

You know how that goes. I think growing up this way, I developed a fear of rejection and I seem to get easily discouraged. It stopped me so many times from applying for jobs and putting in the effort to job hunt.

My question for you is, how should I navigate starting all over again here in my mid20s? And how do I stay disciplined and productive in my job search while not letting the rejections and a fear of failure stop me from trying? Thank you so much for your time.

Okay, this is great. So really common problem, right? So, this is a case of someone who moved countries, has been looking for a job for a year, but seems like they're not like looking super hard.

They say that they're experiencing burnout. So, let's first understand what do they mean by burnout? How do we know we're burnt out?

So, my guess is that they feel a lack of drive, lack of motivation, don't feel like doing anything, no energy. And so, if you feel this, you think like, "Oh my god, I'm burnt out. " Makes sense.

And then we learn a couple of other things. Strict Asian parents, right? Pushed to overachieve.

So here is the dream of the strict Asian parent. If I am relentless with you, if I push you to overachieve, at some point that'll set in. You'll get conditioned and programmed to always be a hard worker.

And the cool thing is that sometimes it works. So when strict parents push you to overachieve, one of two things happens. One is that you get conditioned.

You internalize the harsh standards, internalize high expectations, right? That happens. Or something else can happen.

You get stuck with external motivation. This isn't a case of burnout. I mean, maybe it is.

Who knows? This is a case of someone who was always externally motivated, right? So when this poor kid was a kid and then there was like a book that they had to study, what pushed them?

What moved them in this direction? The parents, right? So there's no internal motivation.

There's just outside pressure inducing you to action. And this happens all the time. So when that outside pressure goes away, the action goes away.

Very simple. Your motivational system has been programmed to rely on external pressure to motivate you. If there is something in the environment that is pushing you to act, then you will act.

So I think there's another interesting thing here. They moved and it sounded like they got married, right? So I wonder if another issue here is if they were single in the United States and had no means to support themselves, would they be motivated to act more.

If there was an external pressure of lack of financial support, lack of home and place to live, then would they be motivated? Probably. I'm not saying it's bad that they're maybe they are maybe they're broke and don't have money.

Maybe their partner is broke and doesn't have money. Who knows? We don't know that.

My point is that there are absolutely cases of kids who get programmed to be sensitive to external motivators. And so if you move to get married and you know like I mean I I was dating my girlfriend supported me for a year didn't motivate me very much. And then there are times where like in a relationship like she quit working for a year and I was working a lot and that was totally fine supporting things and things like that.

So like reciprocity and taking being supported by your partner for a year I don't think is a bad thing. I'm just saying that as a motivational system, if you have a motivational system that is driven by external forces pushing you to act and you leave home and your parents are no longer breathing down your neck and you have a partner who is kind and loving and supportive and it's like, you know, apply for a job. I know you'll get it in the end, there's no rush.

So there's no rush, there's no pressure. If there's no pressure, you don't act. So how do you stay disciplined?

How do you develop motivation? You have to understand the difference between internal motivation and external motivation. So this is wild.

The first thing to understand is that if you are externally motivated, you cannot be internally motivated. You can't you literally cannot be both. Okay?

Now this may sound confusing. So let me show you. Motivation comes and goes, but sometimes it isn't about pushing harder.

It's about finding the right support. That's why we developed HG Coaching. Coaches will help you turn thoughts into actions, actions into habits, and habits into a different life than the one you're living right now.

People who go through our coaching program experience on average a 58% improvement in the sense of direction and purpose in life and also experience reductions in feelings of stress and anxiety. Real change doesn't happen overnight, and it rarely happens alone. So, if y'all are interested in getting unstuck and moving forward, check out the link in the description below and give HG coaching a shot on what motivates a detailed review of intrinsic versus exttrinsic motivation.

Okay, here's the key thing. Intrinsic motivation was associated with deactivation of the amygdala. Exttrinsic motivation is associated with activation of the amygdala.

This is another piece of evidence linking neural deactivation to intrinsic motivation. So here's what I want y'all to understand about motivation. First of all, if you've been programmed by overachieving parents, there's a part of your brain like the amygdala which get when we get when it gets turned on, we are exttrinsically motivated.

When it gets turned off, we are intrinsically motivated. It's the same. Intrinsic and exttrinsic motivation do not come from different parts of the brain.

They come from the same part of the brain. If it's turned on, it's exttrinsic. If it's turned off, it's intrinsic.

Wild. Now, the question becomes, it gets even weirder. Okay?

Gets weirder. What is exttrinsic motivation? Here's the next thing.

Because for those of y'all that have been around for a little while, you'll know what does the amygdala do? The amygdala gives us anxiety, fear, negative emotion. Now, here's the question that I have for you.

Would you describe anxiety or fear as an exttrinsic motivator or an intrinsic motivator? Would you say that emotions are intrinsic or exttrinsic? Boom.

Y'all are saying intrinsic. And you're wrong. Okay, let's look at this.

This is wild. Hull's drive theory posited that all behaviors were performed to seek or avoid primary biological states including hunger or pain. Okay, so basically what we discovered about exttrinsic motivation.

So this is kind of like it's so weird is if we think about I'm motivated. Okay, so just think about this. Let's say I'm me and I have overbearing Asian parents.

What does the over what part of the brain does the overbearing Asian parent activate? Fear, right? The parents are looking at me.

Alo, no girlfriend, no video games. I'm going to throw you out if you do this. If we think about I have a deadline.

I have ADHD and I have a deadline. What part of my brain does this activate? My fear center.

What is the my best my most productive state that I can muster up is lastm minute panic. I work so well in lastm minute panic and it's so painful it activates my amydala. I feel terrified but then I finally get my together.

Emotions, hunger, thirst are exttrinsic motivators, not intrinsic motivators. This is why everyone's like, "Oh, how do I build internal motivation? How do I get internally motivated?

" And what they don't realize, I want you all to understand this is really important. When I have fear, how does the brain solve for fear? If there's a monster chasing me, raar.

I don't even know what that is. A monster chasing me and I run away. This is mediated my responses to the environment.

I am here and there is a hot dog here. I can't draw a hot dog. And I feel hunger.

Is this an intrinsic motivator or an exttrinsic motivator? The hot dog alleviates the hunger. Emotions and biological drives are fixed by the environment.

As long as you are ex exttrinsically motivated, you will be a victim to your emotional circuitry. Your emotional circuitry. Because when I'm afraid, so this is another great example of this, right?

There's like the loop of loneliness and social anxiety. I'm lonely, lonely, lonely. I think it's internal motivation.

Then I act. I go and hang out with people. And when I go and hang out with people, then my loneliness goes away.

But then my social anxiety increases. And how do I deal with social anxiety? I leave this environment.

The solution to my emotions is what is surrounding me. I am motivated by my circumstances. If I'm alone, then I'm motivated to meet people.

If I'm with people, I'm motivated to be alone. So, biggest mistake that people make with exttrinsic motivation is they think that exttrinsic motivation is about things outside of you. But really, all of our emotions are literally neuroscientifically exttrinsic motivators.

So then you may wonder, well, hold on a second. What the hell is an intrinsic motivator? Here's what constitutes internal motivation.

So in the late mid to late 20th century, several models underscored the importance of novelty seeking interest and autonomy in driving intrinsic motivation. So if it's a reward, if it's an emotion, if it's a change in your biological state, these are exttrinsic motivators. If it is new, if it is interesting and if you are in control, it is an intrinsic motivator.

So I want you all to think about this for a second. If my motivational system is driven by exttrinsic motivators, then when I am idle, what am I moved towards? Some amount of interest, some amount of novelty seeking, right?

That's what actually internally drives me. So if we want to, if you're someone who's like thinking to yourself, how do I force myself to get a job? That's the whole problem.

So even if you think about the words, how do I force myself? Think about whether that is autonomous or not. Even in your motivational system, you are not practicing autonomy.

You are trying you're the guy who's whipping the donkey and you're the donkey. You're like trying to whip yourself into action. You're trying to whip the apparatus that is your brain and your body into moving in the right direction.

That's not intrinsic motivation. You're trying to whip yourself. It's exttrinsic motivation.

Not going to work. Cultivating internal motivation involves autonomy first and foremost. The more that you feel like you are exercising control in your life, the more naturally internally motivated you're going to be.

If I tell you read this book, the only way you will I'm removing your autonomy. Will you read it or not? That depends.

Am I going to give you a million dollars? Am I going to give you an A? Am I going to give you an F?

Am I going to kick you out of the house? If if I take away your autonomy and I put some external pressure, then you'll do it. But if I say, "Here's a bookshelf.

Take your pick. " You are much more likely to read it, right? You're going to pick.

It is your choice. So internal motivation is about making your choices. Stop and think for a second about how can I exercise control in this situation?

Not what do I have to do? How can I be in control of my life? Don't ask yourself what you want.

That word is so tricky because many biological drives like hunger and thirst can turn into wants in your mind. Don't think about that. Don't worry about what you have to do.

Don't worry about what you want to do. How can I exercise control? What can I do in this life?

What direction do I want to move in? Do I want to be someone? So when I work with people, practically this is what it looks like.

What do I want to say about myself at the end of the day? When I look back on on today, what am I going to feel proud of? Not what is good for me, not what is successful for me, not what do I need to do.

What can I look at myself and say, "Hey, I feel good about this. This is me exercising control in my life. " So this is what I would say if you're trying to find a job and stay disciplined.

It's not even about discipline. It's like okay every day what are you going to be what do you what kind of life do you want to live? Then you live that life.

Do you want to be someone who has applied for four jobs today? Do you want to be someone who has spent four hours doing what you dream of doing moving forward and then you look back on that it's not about the rejections. Right?

So the cool thing is this makes you impervious to rejection because rejection doesn't determine your motivation. Acceptance doesn't determine your motivation. You are living the life that you want to live.

It is about the autonomous control of your life. So I'd be super concrete about what do I what do I want my life to look like in this moment at the end of the day at the end of the week? Am I happy that I am moving my life in the direction that I envisioned it to go?

Not what does the world need me to do? Not what should I do? Not what is makes me feel pathetic.

Anything that is emotional, any removal of an a negative emotion is not in the right direction. It still traps you in the external motivational system. It's reinforcing that system.

So, it's like what? That's the bulk of it. It's about increasing your autonomy.

The more autonomous you become, the more you will shut off your amygdala. And this is the cool thing. If you shut off those parts of the brain, I don't know if this makes sense.

The default state of motivation for human beings is intrinsic. If we shut off the brain, intrinsic motivation, exttrinsic motivation comes and messes up your autonomy. And that kind of makes sense, right?

You're naturally, it's like we wanted to make AI to do our laundry so that we could make art, not make our art so that we could do laundry. Like what we were we were trying to develop AI to increase our autonomy not further the current system which has us trapped in doing rote behavior instead of autonomous creation. Right?

So focus on autonomy. Think about what do I want? What kind of life do I want to live?

And move in that direction. Very practically what I would do is set some kind of target for the kind of work you're going to do. So it's not even about finding a job because that's externally motivated.

It is about being someone who did the work that you can be proud of. It's like am I proud of what I did today? Am I happy with what I did today?

Can I look back on today and be like, you know what? I I knocked it out of the park. Give yourself And by the way, that emotion, that feeling doesn't even come from the amydala.

and comes from none of the circuits of the brain that are involved with extrinsic motivation. Comes from a different part of the brain entirely different completely different system. It's not dopamine, right?

So the the systems of external motivation are also dopamine. Vententral stratum and nucleus incumbent is dopamine pleasure, craving, reinforcement. This is a more serotonic part of the brain.

This is more default mode network activated in exttrinsic motivation. So decide for yourself, not for anyone else and not by anyone else. You decide for yourself how are you going to live the next day of your life, the next week of your life, the next month of your life and move in that direction.

Even if you fall short, the more that you think in that way. So as you fall short, you'll notice negative emotions will crop up. Right?

If you if you set a target for yourself and you fell short, negative emotions crop up. You feel ashamed. If you give into that shame, if you try to get rid of the shame, then you're still externally motivated.

And then if you feel ashamed, you'll act. And if you don't feel ashamed, you won't act. It's a terrible way to live life.

To require shame as the fuel of your action is like a lose-lose situation. So, we need to disable the whole circuit. Be autonomous.

So, set a target that encompasses the life that you want to live. Then, when you wake up in the morning, you're not going to feel like doing it. And then ask yourself one question.

Do do I want to be a person who does what they feel like or does what they intend? And in that moment, you can make that choice. It's as simple as that.

Not saying it's easy. It's as simple. What if the target is unrealistic?

If you think the target is unrealistic, you are still operating from an exttrinsic motivational system. you're losing the point, missing the point because realism or not realism is a measure of outcome. What determines the re the realisticness of it, the environment?

You'll see that it's such a brilliant question. It shows us how much we've been programmed in this way because we've been programmed. Why is everyone using Chachi PT in school?

It's because school stopped being about learning a long time ago and it started being about grades. You know, I once had a student who listed their coursework on their resume and the relevant things that they learned in their coursework. They had like a couple of classes and they said, "This is what I learned in these four classes.

" Like they like learned some cool stuff. They really liked the classes. They learned a lot.

What do y'all think the advice was when we're giving feedback on this resume? Remove the coursework. No one gives a what you learned in a class.

Everyone cares about your GPA and what you've accomplished, not what you learn. And it's like when we have advice like this, what do we expect students to do? It's wild.

It's like we blame students for like using chat GPT all the time. And it's like even universities don't give a about teaching. How much do universities pay teachers?

Universities are grant earning machines and student fee machines, right? Like administrators make a lot of money in in schools. Teachers don't.

So where's our emphasis? What do we value? And then we're surprised when we've created a system this way.

And then all of us foolish humans who grew up in these systems have been conditioned in this way. And then we struggle and life is hard because I've moved to the US. I'm away from my parents and I no longer have to do anything.

So I'm not doing anything. You're not burnt out. you're free.

And when you've been pushed to do a ton of things that you didn't want to do and you finally have freedom, you're relaxing. Maybe we can call that burnout. So what is our solution here?

Our solution here is to equip you with the understanding of how you work. And once you understand how you work, once you understand where external motivation comes from, where intrinsic motivation comes from, then I hope it will help help you break the chains that like control your mind and you're struggling against them, but you don't know how to break free. Actually, you don't need to break them.

You just need to unlock it. That's all it takes. You have to break anything.

Okay? I ain't no Daenerys Stormbborn. So, we I saw this like someone posted this yesterday.

It's like, I've been in coaching for almost 40 weeks. Somehow I got fit, finished writing a book, and released a video game. This is wild.

I'm 32 and all my life I've been saying, I want to write. I want to make video games. I should really put my life together.

And never actually did any of those things. I started coaching mostly out of desperation because of infinite therapy waiting times. It felt very nice to have someone to check in with me every week, talk a little bit about what I did or did not get done during the week, a little bit about my feelings.

Now I lift my head not even a year later and there's a pile of work behind me. I'm fulfilling my major lifelong dreams. I'm in shape and I'm optimistic about my future despite being quite apt due to years of sewing bad karma.

Wild. If I were to say the what the number one thing was I got out of coaching, I'd say absolutely the power discover a power discovering the power of consistency. I did not drive myself super hard.

I didn't overdo it and burn out as I used to do. I was mostly just enjoying the process and moved step by step. This was posted one day ago.

So, we like woke up this morning and we saw this post. This is why we built it cuz I know I know that if y'all just You guys can do it, man. You can do it.

This is not like I've been wanting to write a book. I've been wanting to release a video game. I want to get in shape.

And you think since this has taken in so many years, you've made so little progress. So then you think, "Oh my god, it if I it takes me 5 years to do this much, it'll take me 40 years to do that much. " That's the whole thing is no, that's not how it works.

It only takes a long ass time if you do it inconsistently. If you do it inefficiently, it can be done. And this is not like a plugged ad.

This is some guy or girl in our community who's been in coaching for 40 weeks who's just like, "Hey, this helped me. That's why we built this. " Hey y'all, hope you enjoyed today's video.

We talk about a bunch of topics like this on the channel, so be sure to subscribe for more. If you're already subscribed, GG. And we'll see you in chat.