my name's Wanda I'm 34 years old and I'm from Colorado so here's the thing I've always thought James and I had a pretty solid relationship he's 36 laidback and doesn't really stress about much which is a nice balance to me because I can be a little well intense that night we were at one of his friend Mike's parties James doesn't have a lot of friends so when he actually wants to hang out with people I make an effort I figured we'd go have a few drinks and leave after a couple of hours it started off
normal the house was packed and everyone seemed to know each other which wasn't surprising since James had been friends with most of these people for years I didn't know everyone but that never bothers me I'm pretty good at blending in and honestly I kind of like being the center of attention when I'm in the mood for it so while James was catching up with Mike I mingled a bit a few hours in a group of us ended up in this circle just talking and laughing about random stuff at some point someone brought up relationships like
how much do you trust your partner to have your back if things went sideways it was all hypothetical of course but the question made me smirk I looked at James who was sitting next to me quiet as usual and before I even thought about it I said something like oh I know James wouldn't be able to protect me I mean look at him it got a laugh a big one and I felt that little rush you get when you know you've said something funny so I kept going I teased him about how he doesn't work
out how he can barely open jars sometimes and threw in a joke about how we'd both be victims if someone tried to mug us because he'd just freeze up people were dying laughing even Mike made a joke about James skipping leg day like it turned into this whole thing James didn't say anything though he just kind of sat there with this weird half smile like he didn't want to make it awkward but I could tell he wasn't laughing so of course instead of stopping I doubled down I pointed at his arms and said something like
seriously though he's got arms like a sixth grader no offense babe people lost it again I mean it was funny right and it's not like I was saying anything that wasn't true but then out of nowhere James stood up just like that stood up grabbed his jacket and walked out of the room no explanation nothing at first I thought he was just going to the bathroom or needed some air but when he didn't come back after a couple of minutes I realized he was gone like Gone Gone the mood in the room shifted immediately people
stopped laughing and there was this awkward silence Mike looked at me and was like you okay that was kind of harsh which threw me off because in my head it was just a joke a joke we've teased each other before it's not like I broke some unspoken rule or something still I tried to play it off I Shrugged and said he's probably just tired or whatever he's fine but inside I was annoyed like what was his problem it's not like I was lying and it's not like anyone there was going to think less of him
if anything I thought I'd make him look good you know for being able to laugh at himself I stayed at the party for a little while longer but it wasn't the same people were polite but the vibe was off and I felt this weird mix of irritation and embarrassment finally I said my goodbyes and called an Uber when I got home James was in bed pretending to be asleep I didn't say anything to him I figured he'd get over it by morning but the next day things were different he barely spoke to me when he
did it was short and clipped like he couldn't be bothered I asked him what his deal was and he just looked at me and said you humiliated me in front of my friends that caught me off guard because again I didn't think it was that serious I told him it was a joke James don't be so sensitive he didn't respond instead he just walked out of the room and that's when I realized he wasn't going to let this go when I woke up the next morning James was already up sitting at the kitchen table with
his coffee he didn't look up when I walked in which immediately irritated me I mean fine he was upset last night but this silent treatment thing wasn't going to work for me morning I said pouring myself a cup of coffee no response he just kept scrolling on his phone like I wasn't even there okay are we seriously doing this I asked sitting down across from him because if we are let's just get it over with he set his phone down and finally looked at me why would you think it's okay to humiliate me like that
in front of my friends his voice wasn't loud but it was sharp oh my God James are you still on this it was a joke I said rolling my eyes I wasn't trying to humiliate you well that's exactly what you did he snapped you made me feel like a fool in front of everyone you don't think I already know I'm not the strongest guy in the world you didn't need to put it on display like that I leaned back in my chair crossing my arms okay but you left me there James alone you're mad about
a joke but you thought it was fine to just walk out and leave your wife at your friend's house how is that okay I needed to get out of there he said shaking his head do you have any idea how disrespectful you were you don't talk about your husband like that Wanda especially not in front of other people it's like you were trying to embarrass me I let out a short laugh more out of frustration than anything else James it was teasing everyone was laughing it's not like I stood up and gave a speech about
how you're a failure and honestly walking out like that didn't exactly prove me wrong you left me there to Uber home like some random person what kind of man does that his face turned red and I could see him clenching his jaw you don't get it do you he said his voice louder now you don't respect me if you did you wouldn't have said half the stuff you did last night you wouldn't have kept going when you saw how uncomfortable I was I threw up my hands of course I respect you James but you didn't
exactly act respectable last night did you a grown man doesn't just storm out and leave his wife behind because he's upset over a joke you could have pulled me aside and said something instead you bailed and now you want to lecture me about respect he stared at me for a long moment and I could tell he was processing what I said finally he sighed and ran a hand through his hair you're right he muttered I shouldn't have left you there that wasn't okay I raised an eyebrow surprised he was actually admitting it yeah that's what
I thought I said leaning forward so maybe next time don't overreact to make things worse if you had just talked to me we wouldn't even be having this conversation he didn't say anything for a second just looked down at his coffee I just wish you'd think about how what you say affects me he said quietly I'm not asking you to change who you are just think about it I Shrugged not wanting to push it further now that he'd apologized sure I'll think about it but you also need to think about how you handle things deal
he nodded though he still looked annoyed I could tell this wasn't over for him but for me as far as I was concerned the matter was settled after our conversation I felt pretty good James apologized which meant I'd won the argument and as far as I was concerned that was that sure he still seemed a little off but he'd get over it he always did that's how our relationship worked he'd get upset about something I'd hold my ground and eventually he'd come around I didn't even have to think about it anymore James wasn't exactly the
take charge type I'd always been the one who kept things moving in our relationship whether it was making plans handling finances or deciding what to watch on TV he didn't mind if anything I think he liked it that way it's not like he ever fought me on it so when I say I was the one in control I'm not exaggerating that's just how we were and it worked well it worked for me a couple of nights later James told me he was going out for dinner with some friends Mike and the guys he said like
that was all the explanation I needed I raised an eyebrow but didn't press him I mean I could guess what this was about one of those guys nights where they all get together and hash out their feelings over beers and burgers probably talking about how awful I am and how James deserves better I wasn't stupid I'd seen how they looked at me after the party and honestly I wasn't surprised guys like my and his crew always act like they're above drama but they're just as bad as women when it comes to gossip still I didn't
say anything if James needed to vent to them whatever let him he'd come home and we'd go back to normal but when he came back that night something was different it wasn't anything dramatic he wasn't storming in with accusations or anything like that it was more subtle he was quieter than usual like he was lost in thought and when I asked him how dinner was he just shrug and said it was fine just fine I teased trying to lighten the mood what did Mike overcook the steak or something he gave me this small almost forced
smile and said no the food was good just had a lot on my mind that was weird for James normally he'd tell me all about what they talked about who said what and which joke got the biggest laugh but not this time this time he just brushed it off and went to bed early leaving me sitting there wondering what the hell was going on over the next few days I started noticing more changes little things at first he didn't seem as eager to go along with my plans like when I suggested we watch a movie
he said you pick I'll just watch whatever in this tone that felt more like he was annoyed than indifferent or when I brought up our weekend plans he casually mentioned that he might go hiking with Mike instead which was not something he'd normally do James wasn't a big outdoors guy it wasn't just his actions either it was his attitude he seemed more confident maybe I don't know how else to describe it like he wasn't waiting for my approval before doing things I wasn't used to it and I didn't like it not because I want to
control him or anything okay maybe a little but because it felt like he was pulling away from me like he was shutting me out and I had no idea why one night I finally brought it up you've been acting different lately I said while we were getting ready for bed what's going on he looked at me and for a second I thought he was going to deny it but then he said I've just been thinking a lot about us about me about what I want that threw me off what you want I repeated trying to
keep my voice calm what's that supposed to mean he Shrugged just that I've been letting things slide for too long I've been too passive too whatever I need to start standing up for myself more that's all I laughed trying to play it off but inside I felt this weird Pang of unease you make it sound like I've been running a dictatorship or something is this about the party because we already talked about that it's not just the party he said looking me straight in the eye it's everything and just like that the conversation shifted it
wasn't about one night or one joke anymore it was about our entire relationship and for the first time I realized he might not not be okay with how things were for the first time I started wondering if I was losing control James came home from work one evening and I could tell right away something was on his mind he had that serious look the one he gets when he's about to say something he's been rehearsing in his head for hours I didn't ask what it was though if it was important he'd tell me or at
least that's how it usually went we had dinner mostly in silence and then just as I was clearing the plates he finally spoke up we need to talk I sighed already annoyed okay what now he didn't Flinch at my tone which was unusual instead he leaned back in his chair his arms crossed why do you treat me the way you do that caught me off guard what are you even talking about I mean the way you talk to me the way you act like you're the only one who matters in this relationship do you even
respect me Wanda honestly I rolled my eyes of course I respect you James you're my husband why are you even asking me that he shook his head frustrated because you don't act like it you humiliated me in front of my friends and when I tried to tell you how I felt you made it about how I overreacted you don't listen to me you don't care what I want and half the time it feels like I'm just here to be your punching bag that's not fair I shot back I wasn't trying to humiliate you I told
you it was a joke you're the one who made it into this big thing thing Wanda he said his voice sharper now this isn't just about the party it's about everything the way you talk to me the way you dismiss me when I try to say how I feel if you really respected me you wouldn't treat me like this I felt my face heat up James don't act like you're some perfect angel in all of this you don't stand up for yourself you let me handle everything and now you want to sit here and act
like I'm the bad guy maybe if you stepped up more I wouldn't have to take charge all the time that's not an answer he said cutting me off why did you even marry me if you don't respect me was it convenience because I was a safe choice or was there something else because I'm starting to think I'm not the person you actually wanted to marry I froze the words hitting me like a slap that's ridiculous I said quickly you're twisting this into something it's not am I he challenged his voice Rising now because the way
you treat me doesn't feel like love Wanda it feels like I'm just here like I'm not enough for you and maybe I never was that's not true I snapped but even as I said it I could feel the cracks forming in my defense you're overthinking Miss you're letting your friends get in your head aren't you they've been filling you with this nonsense and now you're trying to blame me for things that aren't even real my friends didn't make me feel this way he said firmly you did they just gave me the push to say something
and I'm glad they did because we can't keep going like this Wanda this isn't healthy it's not fair to either of us I crossed my arms leaning back in my chair oh so what's the solution then counseling divorce are you just going to throw in the towel because I make a few jokes you don't like this isn't about the jokes he said this is about respect about whether or not you even want to be with me because right now it feels like you don't I scoffed that's insane you're blowing this way out of proportion no
he said his voice steady now I'm asking for the truth is there someone else or is it just that I was never the guy you really wanted the question hit like a gut punch and for a second I couldn't speak my first instinct was to deny it to lash out but something in his tone stopped me he wasn't angry he wasn't accusing he was just done I stood up pushing my chair back with more Force than I meant to you know what James maybe your friends were right maybe this is a lost cause you want
to sit here and play the victim like you've been some perfect husband but you haven't been and maybe just maybe I'm not the bad guy here maybe we're just not meant to be he didn't say anything just looked at me with this calm almost resigned expression and for the first time I realized he wasn't trying to win the argument he was trying to figure out if there was anything left to fight for what do you want to do he asked quietly because I can't keep doing this Wanda we either fix it or we walk away
I didn't have an answer for the first time in a long time I didn't know what to say James and I sat in silence for what felt like forever after his question fix it or walk away I wasn't used to him putting me on the spot like that normally he'd back down let me deflect and everything would go back to normal but not this time he was dead serious and the way of his words was hanging in the air between us finally I sighed trying to sound composed all right if you want to fix it
we'll try counseling his eyebrows raised slightly and I could see he wasn't expecting me to agree so quickly really yes I said leaning forward and clasping my hands together like I was being sincere I don't want to throw this marriage away if you think counseling will help then let's do it it wasn't a total lie I didn't want a divorce I liked my life and James was a part of that but the truth I figured this whole thing was just a phase he was feeling himself after that little pep talk from his friends but he'd
come back down to earth soon enough scheduling counseling sure actually going through with it that was another story I told him I'd find a counselor and set something up but weeks went by and I never did every time he brought it up I had an excuse oh I've been so busy with work or the one I found were all booked up or I'm waiting for someone to call me back he seemed to believe me at first but eventually the questions stopped I figured he'd gotten over it just like I thought he would then one night
he brought it up again we were sitting on the couch watching TV and he just turned to me and said you never scheduled counseling did you I froze for a second but quickly recovered I told you I've been trying it's not as easy as it sounds James don't lie to me he said his voice calm but firm you never planned to do it did you I rolled my eyes immediately defensive oh come on James don't act like I don't care about this marriage I said I'd do it and I will no he said cutting me
off you won't and you don't care not enough anyway if you did we wouldn't even be here right now here we go again I muttered crossing my arms why do you always have to make me the bad guy because you won't own up to anything he snapped his voice Rising you don't respect me Wanda you don't even take this seriously and honestly I'm done pretending this is going to work I want a divorce I stared at him stunned what did you just say I said I want a divorce he repeated his tone steady this isn't
healthy you don't respect me and I can't be with someone who doesn't even want to try to fix things I laughed but it was more out of disbelief than anything else you're not serious I am he said looking me dead in the eye I've been serious for a while now I just needed to make sure this isn't fixable and it's not you're being ridiculous I said shaking my head you're just mad right now you'll calm down and see how stupid this is no Wanda he said firmly I'm not mad I'm clear I deserve better than
this that's when it hit me he wasn't bluffing he wasn't trying to make a point or win an argument he meant it he wanted out and I I panicked are you kidding me I snapped standing up and glaring at him you want a divorce after everything I've done for you after all the years I've put up with you being weak and passive and stop he said sharply but I ignored him no you're going to hear this I said my voice getting louder you're pathetic James you've always been pathetic you let me walk all over you
for years and now suddenly you think you're some big man because your little friends told you to grow a backbone you're a joke Wanda no I shouted tears streaming down my face now I wish I never married you you're an embarrassment a fragile weak excuse for a man you can't even handle a little joke without running to your friends like a child and now you think you're better than me by the time I finished I was shaking my chest heaving with emotion but as the words hung in the air I realized something there was no
one else to blame not James not his friends not anyone just me he stared at me for a long moment his expression unreadable then he stood up and walked to the door you don't have to say anything else he said quietly I'll stay at Mike's for now you can call me when you've had time to think about what you really want and just like that he was gone for the first time in our entire relationship I wasn't the one in control and for the first time I didn't know if I wanted him to come back
weeks went by after James told me he wanted a divorce he stayed at Mike's Place most nights but came back to the house every few days to pick up clothes or sort through his stuff every time I saw him it felt like he was someone else entirely he didn't look at me the same way didn't speak to me with any warmth it was like I was a stranger to him and it killed me I'd try to make small talk when he came by anything to break the coldness between us but he kept it short and
polite like he was talking to a coworker he barely knew the minute he left I'd fall apart I'd sit on the couch and cry wondering how things had gotten so bad so fast but as much as I hated the situation I couldn't bring myself to take any real responsibility for it I told myself it was his fault that he'd let his friends poison his mind against me that's what I had to believe to keep myself from drowning in regret when the divorce was finalized it was as Fair as it could have been no one got
screwed over and neither of us walked away with more than the other I kept the house he kept the car and we split the savings evenly but it didn't feel like a win it felt like losing a part of myself that I couldn't get back after the papers were signed James stopped coming around altogether I'd see updates on his Facebook page every now and then pictures of him smiling with Mike and the guys or hiking in places I didn't even know he liked he looked happy free even and the comments from his friends made it
clear that they were fully on his side people I thought were our friends stopped reaching out to me entirely no more invites to parties no more texts to check in it was like I'd been cut out of the group completely at first I was angry how could they all turn on me like that but deep down I knew why they weren't my friends they were his and they didn't like me maybe they never had 3 months after the divorce The Silence from everyone else didn't bother me as much as James is happy did every time
I saw him post a picture or update it was another reminder that he was better off without me that stung more than anything I wanted to believe he was just putting on a show but the smile in his photos didn't look fake he looked strong different like the man I used to wish he'd be but too late for it to matter I tried to distract myself to move on but nothing felt right dating apps were a joke the guys I met were either weird broke or looking for something I wasn't I didn't even know what
I wanted anymore all I knew was that I didn't want to end up alone but with every passing week that possibility started to feel more real I still told myself the divorce was for the best that James wasn't the man I needed that I'd find someone stronger more decisive someone who could handle me but every time I saw his name pop up on my Newsfeed that little voice in the back of my head told me I'd made a mistake and that maybe just maybe I'd been the problem all along but I'd never say that out
loud not to anyone
