how to set boundaries & stop people pleasing | stop feeling guilty & be respected *with examples*

you are not a nice person you're a people pleaser and there's a difference you think you're being nice by putting other people's desires before your own but nice people don't do that nice people are polite and considerate and compassionate but they prioritize themselves first because they know that you can't pour from an empty cup they focus on making sure that their needs are met and that they're feeling happy and fulfilled so then when they're ready they can serve others to the best of their ability without feeling drained or full of resentment right after every time

you allow someone to walk over your boundary so that you seem easy going every time you dismiss your values to fit in or alter yourself to be liked by others your sense of self and your self-love are disappearing as a result and without establishing your own self-respect you will continue to offer up all of your power to the hands of others and that's why this video is all about how you can stop people pleasing and learn how to set boundaries as always I went ahead on Instagram stories and asked you guys what questions in particular

on this topic you'd want me to answer in the video and I got so many answers and I literally go through every single one and I structure the video around those questions too so if you haven't already as always I'm going to give you a quick breakdown of the video Chapter so that you can understand the structure of this video a little bit more I also have two very exciting announcements you guys you can now listen to my YouTube content on the go I have a podcast it's on Spotify my second announcement is that the

fast growing beautiful positive community that we have grown here on my channel now has a place on the internet to connect to talk to each other exchange self-growth advice and make friends and lastly before we start this video I wanted to say that this video has kindly been sponsored by affirmed Collective a firmed collective is the ultimate brand for myself development and manifestation girlys which is everyone that's watching this video of course I'm wearing the Manifest set right now in size 222 all of the sizes of the angel numbers so I'm wearing the Manifest set

right now and the quote on this set says I'm a magnet for all I desire anything is possible for me I love it's written on the bottoms too honestly I've been wearing this all day today it's the comfiest thing ever just the quality feel and look of this set very much gives like you know those Pinterest hoodie sets that you see like the Pinterest Instagram girlies wearing is exactly like that and then another really cool thing about this brand is that with every package you get your own Aura card which is designed to be stuck

to your mirror so you can see your affirmation every day and then on the back depending on which set you order you will get a QR code to your very own playlist so I ordered the Manifest set so this is scan for your manifest playlist I love The Vibes and that's also designed to help boost your affirmations so I'm wearing them on my first set but there's also the wellness and the Gratitude set obviously they all have their own quotes written on them but they're written backwards so when you're looking in the mirror or you

take like a mirror selfie in the picture the quote is the right way round to read which for me someone takes a lot of pictures is very helpful you can find a link and more info in the description so let's start the video Chapter one of course has to be getting to the root of this why are you a people pleaser so the causes slash signs of being a people please include you're highly empathetic you've been manipulated or emotionally abused before you feel it's your responsibility to bend over backwards to do favors for people for

no reason really while growing up your behavior was attached to your worth you were literally trained to be a good girl to be accepted and loved you fear rejection and create validation to be socially accepted and make friends you feel awkward and you're scared of saying no to people you care what other people think about you and you're afraid of Confrontation so now that we understand that here are five ways to stop this number one stop predicting everyone's needs it is not your job to try and figure out what everybody wants when you're playing that

guessing game that's the behavior that turns into people pleasing you need to get comfortable with just existing sometimes obliviously and realize there is other people's responsibility to communicate their needs and wants acknowledge that you deserve to be seen and heard and to express yourself fully and that what you say matters for example start posting those videos on Tick Tock become a content creator write that book give that presentation at work engaging in activities like these where you have to show up and be yourself and also do what you love and you're passionate about solidifies the

belief that you don't need to perform for others to be tolerable show up be yourself exist in your full authenticity so that you can practice no longer giving other people your space because now you are taking all of it up yourself three practice the art of self-validation I'll leave this Linked In the description it's literally one of my most popular videos that covers all of that four spend a day just counting how many times you say sorry for no reason and then give yourself a consequence treat it like a swear jar if you have to

five start by committing to one thing a week which will not be compromised under any circumstances for example this week I'm going to commit to my energy levels so if I feel tired I don't care what anybody else is asking of me I am going to stay home and rest if my friends ask me to go to dinner I am saying no so no I can't respond to that text and I can't stay up late answering those emails I'm valuing my rest time and even if you don't understand that or you don't see that as

a priority it doesn't matter because I do and I'm prioritizing that over anything else plus I have set that commitment in place for the week so that is just the one task that's just the one task I'm not allowed to budge on and then lastly the most efficient way to stop people pleasing is to set boundaries and this is what the rest of the video is committed to because it can be a very confusing topic to get your head around chapter number two let's fully understand boundaries and how to start using them now I could

start this chapter off by just explaining what there are and giving you a basic definition but that's not how we do things around on this corner of the internet so let me give you a proper example of what people pleasing versus self-respect and boundaries looks like kind of of course we're gonna bring Lola and Athena in to help us out Lola is a people pleaser and on a daily basis she says things like uh okay I guess I'll let it slide this one time yeah I know she always messes the apartment up but I just

love her so much and I just feel bad saying anything to her OMG no don't be silly let me take care of that for you I'm just so exhausted and I feel like people take advantage of my kindness all the time no wonder people can't respect your boundaries if you don't speak up for what they are and a prime example of this is Athena and Athena is about to destroy everybody's limiting beliefs about what boundaries actually are because she is lovely she is nice she is polite but she gets what she wants in life because

she has that self-respect and she knows when to say no she values her opinion her time her energy above everybody else's so here are the phrases that Athena says when she's setting her boundaries hey Athena I know this is a big ass but my workload is getting very unmanageable right now and I would love if you could just help me out please hey I'm so sorry the workload is getting so out of hand I wish I could help out but I want to be be honest with you I really don't have the capacity for this

workload right now I don't want to overwork myself and be burnt out as a result well actually you know the work isn't really that much and you'd be such a star if you could just help out I appreciate that reassurance but even if it's a little bit of work I still don't have the time and energy to commit to that and I hope you can respect my need to recharge and get some well-needed rest say it is that easy in my opinion she was way more polite than she even needed to be but she set

a boundary respected it and then didn't budge when the person was trying to walk all over it she was compassionate she respected the other person and she also respected herself it can be that easy okay is such a huge jump how do we get there I got you so instead of saying these people pleaser quotes oh yes absolutely I'll re-jig my schedule and I will be there of course are you sure what I'm wearing is okay what if I turn up and everyone thinks that I'm super overdressed oh my God I'm so sorry that I

can't do that for you but my schedule is so hectic so I don't know if I can but I feel so bad I'm so sorry but you know what let me try and make it up to you next week you're going to replace those with these boundary Setter quotes oh thank you so much for the invite unfortunately I won't be able to make it but I hope the event goes well actually I've got a lot on my plate right now and I don't want to over commit so I'm gonna have to pass on this one

is what I'm wearing okay am I too dressy for this event nah because the only person's opinion that actually matters is my own because I live on my own satisfaction not the approval of others okay so now that we understand what boundary setting actually looks like let's learn how we figure out what boundaries we need to set for ourselves and our lives because everybody looks different and you're going to have to curate there so it fits for you as an individual this is how you're going to figure out one there are seven types of boundaries

did you know that let's go through them one is physical boundaries so for me personally I'm not really a touchy person with friends and acquaintances I'll do a hello and goodbye hug other than that please don't be all up in my space it makes me feel uncomfortable and that's what I will communicate number two is sexual boundaries now I have certain things that I just refuse to do in the bedroom and I will always make sure that there's a conversation with my partner before we engage in any sort of intimate acts three emotional boundaries for

me personally if somebody raises their voice or tries to insult me I am done with the conversation and I am not tolerating that four is spiritual boundaries so my personal example is that I will not compromise or betray my values to fit in with others or engage in any behaviors that I deem low vibrational because I don't want to risk damaging my own spiritual health for the sake of fitting in and pleasing friends five Financial boundaries so my personal example this is a boundary actually set with myself as opposed to anybody else so my boundary

with myself with finances is I always have to live below my means majority of my money has to go into Investments I can't just buy whatever I want whenever I want the sixth type of boundary is time so my personal example for this is I will not take on any extra work or do favors for people when I am running low on energy and the last type of boundary is non-negotiable boundaries so for me this looks like I will not be peer pressured into vaping or smoking I also refuse to share passwords in any of

my relationships I will never do that basically things that you will never change your mind on and here are a few extra questions to ask yourself when figuring out what your boundaries need to be question number one what do I value most in my week it could be family time time with friends just alone time it could be going to bed at an early time every day whatever it is you pick it you be stubborn with it and you do not budge on it no matter how silly it might seem to somebody else question number

two what makes me feel pressured maybe it's always having to text somebody back maybe you feel like there's always this pressure that you have to get everything right the first time within your household once you identify these you then need to communicate these pressures to the relevant people in your life question number three what are my limits this is my favorite thing in the world I've been doing this forever you're gonna create a list called things that make me feel good versus things that make me feel bad it's basically a list which illustrates what supports

versus what damages my well-being and my self-growth for me this list created a lot the boundaries that I had to set with myself question number four who am I overly accommodating up you're going to make a list of all of these people and then you're going to define the reason next to each of those people so you can actually get to the root cause of this you know am I doing this out of guilt am I doing it to be liked by this person you'll then fully be aware of how this is affecting you and

then you'll be able to sit down with them and have the assertive talk and the last question to ask yourself is what am I resemble of is it the fact that my parents tried to control my life is it the fact that I give everything to my partner and I don't really get much back in return the answers to this question will reveal what you need to stop feeding into and investing so much energy in okay now you know what your personal boundaries are so how do we communicate them some people want to do it

assertively some people want to do it politely I'm going to illustrate how you do it both ways so here is my magic formula to stay polite and comfy while also still respecting your own boundaries hey do you have a second I really need to talk to you it's nothing serious or like negative at all and I've just been thinking about some things lately and I just wanted to communicate them with you okay great so basically just wanted to raise an issue that I really don't like it when you leave a bunch of dishes in the

sink I always make an effort to clean a Pack to myself so I'm not unloading all of that workload onto you and I'd appreciate it if you could do the same for me I understand that you have a lot going on and that you do try here and there and that you don't have any bad intentions that's fine but this is something that has really started to bother me and I don't want this to build up and create negative energy between us this issue is really important to me and it's not something I'm going to

change my mind on so please could you try to refrain from doing so in future after this they then have the choice to either respect your boundary which you've communicated clearly politely at everything or they won't respect your boundary and they still won't get their way because you're not budging now let's talk about how you can be assertive when setting boundaries here are my tips number one don't be emotional don't get upset or angry start insulting swearing or be visibly annoyed on your face you need to stay calm too don't apologize don't be like oh

my God I'm so sorry I have this issue three don't over explain yourself you can just say no oh you want me to babysit your kids all weekend no I can't do that done four don't justify why you can't do it you don't owe an explanation to anybody if you say no I can't do that that should be enough nobody has the right to make you explain yourself so that they can see if your explanation for saying no is worthy or not you are fully in your right to just say no and leave it there

six don't try to anticipate the other person's feelings or response because this is going to mess up your confidence and that's where the fear of setting boundaries comes from because if you think someone's going to be upset with you or be off with you or you know cut you off as a result you're never going to set boundaries then Devin hold people accountable if somebody has been doing something disrespectful to you continually hold them to it and don't be afraid to eight listen and be respectful when the other person is talking so this doesn't turn

into a kind of argument or like you're attacking them now let's talk about how you can stay firm disciplined and consistent when setting your boundaries how do you consistently respect your own boundaries they are the easiest ones to walk all over right because you're always giving yourself excuses you're like yeah it's fine I'll do it another day blah blah blah no we are no longer doing that so for me when setting boundaries with myself the way I stay disciplined is that I will either use a consequence or a reward depending on the situation for example

the only way tonight I get to watch Netflix and eat popcorn in bed which is my main motivator every single day is to tick off every single task on my calendar today to edit all of my content all of that if I don't do that then I have to work until I go to sleep I have to work until midnight and that right there is what motivates me to continue growing and working hard and achieving my dreams because I'm not procrastinating I'm not just like oh I'll leave it till tomorrow another thing I do is

literally set limits in my life so I have no choice but to respect my boundaries for example I'll have like a standing order in my bank account of a certain amount of money that automatically goes into savings I'm not allowed to touch it when it comes to other people I will give myself a choice or like an ultimatum for example if I have an issue with a family member I literally say to myself either you can deal with the pain of saying it now and getting out of your chest and then dealing with a difficult

conversation or you can delay it by prioritizing your comfort zone and then having to deal with the anxiety of waiting before you speak to them what do you prefer but when it comes to staying disciplined when I'm setting boundaries with other people what helps me is my mindset so what I think is yes it might feel uncomfortable to communicate something like an issue with somebody I care about but if I choose to give in to that uncomfortable feeling and I don't communicate with them not only am I not getting what I want but I'm also

disrespecting myself and the other person in the process by withholding my truth and my issue my resentment for them will only grow and it will inevitably damage our relationship so I stopped viewing boundaries as this awkward encounter and actually started seeing it as a way to strengthen the bonds and relationships I have to the people in my life and to finish off the understanding boundaries chapter I just want to say that it's okay for your boundaries to change and adapt as you get older or as you grow as a person if something used to bother

you a long time ago and now you're okay with it vice versa Versa that is completely okay chapter three setting boundaries in relationships the next few chapters are going to cover examples and phrases of setting boundaries with different relationships and people in your life this one is all about relationships so I'm going to start with my favorite tip let's say you're in a relationship and your boyfriend is starting to bug you the key here is do not nag men do not respond to that very well and if you start nagging or coming off like you're

annoyed or angry or just overly emotional with him men turn off at that you're never gonna get what you want and he's going to perceive it as he's being attacked or this is turning into an argument so instead you're going to give them a choice while staying calm and level-headed hey so I wanted to talk to you about something that's been bothering me I've been noticing that you're liking a lot of girls pictures on Instagram and truthfully it makes me feel uncomfortable I understand that this might not be a big deal to you but it

makes me feel disrespected in our relationship I understand that you would never want to make me feel that way on purpose so I just wanted to communicate this with you so you're aware of how I feel if you want to keep liking the pictures of random girls Instagram then that's fine I'm not going to force you to make a certain decision I've now raised my need and I'm not going to be passive aggressive or force you to act a certain way however I do have a particular standard when it comes to this in relationships and

it is something that I simply will not accept so you're being polite you're not nagging you're not getting overly emotional you are confident you are clear you are stubborn you are not budging and you are giving him a choice he cannot either respect that boundary to show how much he loves and cares about you in which case he's a keeper or he can ignore it knowing the consequences that you've communicated in that case bye-bye and here are a few more examples of phrases of boundaries that you can say in a relationship hey so listen I

don't feel comfortable sharing every password with you that is not a representation of the trust and love I have for you it's just a personal preference and I need you to respect that I need you to know that I don't do breaks or on or off again relationships either you take me seriously enough to communicate with me during the hard times or once we break up we are done for good I do not and I never have had the time to keep getting back with somebody who didn't care enough in the first place to stick

it out with me hey so I have a really busy work schedule and the pressure of having to text you all the time kind of keeps me on edge it's not that I don't want to talk to you I literally just don't have the time in my day to do so and I can't risk being distracted at work I need to be able to thrive in my tasks throughout the day I hope you can understand there is nothing personal and instead of texting throughout the day maybe we can compromise and just do one phone quality

instead easy chapter 4 setting boundaries in friendships I feel like a very common problem a lot of people have in this scenario is that they will immediately jump to their friend's defense for example I really care about them and they are a very sweet sensitive person but their constant emotional and Trauma dumping is draining me they could be the nicest person in the world and that still is not okay and you saying that that's not okay and that you don't have the capacity to deal with that is fine a lot of people also worry that

when you set boundaries it results in you having fewer friends but if that is actually the case those people were never your friends in the first place healthy French chips are built on a foundation of trust loyalty communication and having the ability to get through the tough times as well as having respect for the other person's needs and wants if your friend come up to you and said listen I'm really not comfortable with this can we not do it anymore because I just don't want to you would care about them enough to be like oh

my God yeah of course we don't have to do that anymore so when people don't give you the same respect back why would you want to keep being friends with them and when it comes to communicating boundaries with friends the formulas the strategies and the examples I've given so far in this video apply the exact same chapter five setting boundaries with family this is something so many people are confused about some people literally ask like do I need to be setting boundaries with my parents absolutely you need to be your parents do not get to

dictate everything you do and control you and get to act however they want to act just because they're your parents you know respect goes both ways and if they love and care about you as they should because you're their child they would be more than happy to respect your needs and wants when you are setting boundaries but for this chapter I'm going to be speaking a lot about the kind of families that don't understand boundaries especially in cultures like South Asian families where setting boundaries just isn't normalized setting boundaries with your parents could look like

hey I understand you might be angry or frustrated but I will not communicate with somebody who's going to speak to me disrespectfully put me down insult me or raise their voice at me some of you might get scared at the thought of saying that to your parents but you shouldn't it is literally within your right to make sure that somebody's not being that disrespectful to you or emotionally abusing you to the point where they are insulting you and trying to put you down or humiliate you hey I really don't appreciate when you comment on my

appearance or the way that my body looks it makes me feel feel very uncomfortable and I would appreciate if we could just ignore this topic as a whole I understand that you're just trying to be helpful but it doesn't make me feel very good about myself so please can be avoid it but the most important thing I want to say here is it is not guaranteed that your family members are going to respect your boundaries a lot of family members have normalized having toxic behaviors to their other family members on a daily basis and a

lot of them lack self-awareness they're never going to come to terms with it they're kind of set in their ways if they ignore it if they try and put you down if they try and make it seem like you're disrespectful you were going to withdraw you're not going to keep trying to push your boundary onto them and you're going to have to understand that it's not personal some people just don't get it some people will never want to respect your boundaries all you can ever do is set it hope for the best and if they

don't then that's that I will literally have someone speaking to me here and they're being super disrespectful and I look like I'm listening but inside I am not letting it get to me I have a wall I will not show emotion I will not let this upset me because it is never personal chapter six setting boundaries with everybody else this could be strangers acquaintances friends of friends colleagues at work things like hey I'm really not a touchy touchy person I'm not really into the high hugs and kisses on the cheek it's not personal it's not

got anything to do with you it's just my personal preference maybe we can shake hands instead or if you have a super rude encounter with a stranger and they're trying to be a current to you do not apologize and I say that because I used to do that all of the time you are simply going to walk away or be silent and not engage in trying to argue with a stranger who's clearly having a bad day and trying to project all of their hatred and misery onto you or you're going to say if you have

an issue with me then you need to speak to me politely and respectfully otherwise I am going to walk away from this conversation that is it simple but obviously I went much more in depth in chapter two if you need a refresher on that rewind chapter 7 setting boundaries with yourself this is the last chapter for the examples before we go into people disrespecting your boundaries and fear of setting boundaries setting boundaries with yourself is so crucial and I don't understand why more people don't speak about it in my opinion and this might be a

little bit controversial but for me setting boundaries with myself is more important than setting boundaries with anybody else in my life because I can control the boundary and the response because it's all to do with me this is really about having the utmost level of self-respect and self-love and commitment to your younger self and your future self and your presence of and doing the best you can for all three versions of yourself your happiness prioritizing your needs and wants In This Moment above anybody else's it's about not allowing life to slip past you it's about

keeping your priorities in check it's about saying I'm not going to do this anymore or I will not allow this and then sticking to it it's about committing to your self-development journey and becoming the best version of yourself and not giving into temporary Pleasures making sure that you're staying on the right track and I think the best way to achieve this is to write out a list of your goals who do you want to be how do you want to act what is the perfect version of yourself that you can Envision and what does your

perfect ideal lifestyle look like literally script it out and then you are going to create the boundaries you're supposed to have with yourself according to each of those goals chapter 8 how do you deal with people who disrespect your boundaries you get ruthless and Cutthroat and you remove them from your life this is only in the extreme cases if somebody is consistently continuing to disrespect your boundary they are gone if you can't make that decision if somebody continuously chooses to ignore what you need they obviously don't care about you so if you are still allowing

them to stay in your life and take up space then that is a sign that you don't have a lot of self-respect I love myself too much to ever tolerate anybody crossing any of my boundaries on the other hand if somebody has just crossed a boundary once or twice they were very unaware they don't have bad intentions you know that they genuinely care about you if they disrespect it remind them of your boundary but also of the fact that this is not something that you are going to continue to tolerate and that it will be

the end of that relationship friendship whatever and if people don't respect that need of mine it's going to make it increasingly difficult for me to keep them in my life and I really don't want that to happen between us so can we reach an agreement here is everything okay are you finding it difficult to understand why this is so important to me then we have the issue of loneliness after setting boundaries you know why do people withdraw after we set boundaries with them because these people are leeches that's why no person is worth having in

your life if they have continued to cross a boundary that you have communicated to them clearly and politely on more than one occasion there is literally nothing else I need to say about that and if you feel loneliness after stepping into your power and your self-love by setting your boundaries and people have walked away as a result well done well done you own that loneliness girl you spend time with yourself you continue on this journey of loving yourself and respecting yourself because I know it might hurt now but you are going to thank yourself so

much in the long run I speak from experience I speak from seeing other people's experiences on this what you do then is you signal to the universe that this now is the behavior I'm tolerating my standards how now race I am not accepting this kind of behavior or character in my life anymore and if that means I have to sit alone for a little while before I meet the actual people who deserve me my time my energy my love that I have to offer then so be it the Final Chapter but I'm scared that people

will leave me if I set boundaries and that'll push them away I'm Gonna Keep the answer to this very simple if you say no to somebody and they get annoyed or angry as a result that does not mean you should have said yes instead in fact that's even more of a reason and reassurance as to why you were right in saying no to them that person clearly does not only disrespect your boundaries but they don't respect you as a person that is literal proof that they are in your life to take advantage of you and

that they have no regard for your emotions your mental capacity or your desires you are not required to be available all the time to listen to other people's problems or to do favors for people when you don't want to that does not determine how kind your heart is or what your worth is a lot of us have been conditioned into thinking if we put ourselves first that makes us selfish but that is not true everyone has their own issues to deal with life can be extremely difficult and overwhelming at times so don't let the opinions

of others manipulate you into a abandoning your own self-care and as a result you can then help people even more when you truly have the capacity and you're being honest with yourself and everybody else in your life that's what makes you a good person with a kind heart and that brings us to the end of this video If you enjoyed this video then I highly recommend you watch my confidence video and my video on how to validate yourself they're both on my YouTube channel and don't forget that my YouTube country will now be available to

listen to in podcast form on the go it's available on Spotify and don't forget to join our Discord server also linked in the description where you can meet like-minded women it's the most heartwarming thing to see Ever I also go in there and talk to a few of you whenever I get the chat so I'd love to chat with you too if you like this video make sure you comment down below and subscribe and I will see you in the next one thanks for watching [Music]