Societal Expectations and Inner Desires: The Complex Dynamics of Motivation

Motivation is the experience of wanting something, or wanting to avoid it. When we study  how we get motivated to learn, develop, and succeed, we can identify two contrary  forces: extrinsic and intrinsic ones On the one hand, we want to belong, desire to  be loved and seek to get the attention we think we deserve. We are motivated extrinsically  by rewards, in order to progress socially.

On the other hand, we strive to explore  things that are satisfying in themselves, disregarding rewards. We  are motivated intrinsically, by a natural curiosity which we follow because it  feels right. The opinions of others don’t matter.

To understand why we probably  need a good mix of both, let's imagine two four year-old children. Both  grow up in families that want only the best for their kids but have completely opposing  views on how to motivate them to succeed. Tom's parents believe that  all their boy needs is love.

To not undermine his intrinsic interests, they  never praise him, or use rewards. Eventually they decide to not give him any feedback at  all, fearing it could corrupt his free mind. Over the years Tom develops an  immense capacity to imagine, spending most of his time playing by himself. 

By being allowed to follow his passions, he learns what he likes and what he doesn’t.  But Tom doesn’t learn what others expect and gets easily irritated when he’s asked  to do something in a particular way. Mira’s parents believe that their  precious little girl needs clear rules about what's good and what's not. 

They see it as their duty to help Mira learn by providing precise and actionable  feedback on all aspects of her young life. Mira spends her days in preschool, music  and ballet lessons. Over the years she gets exceptionally good at the things that please  the adults around her.

However, since there is neither time to play nor to relax, she doesn’t  discover her own interests. Being alone bores her. At 14, Tom is independent and begins writing  science fiction.

He realises that he isn’t quite like his friends and spends most of his  time at the library. When he shares his writing, others can’t quite relate. At the same age, Mira  is at the top of her class and has plenty of friends and admirers.

She knows what is expected  of her and makes sure to meet those expectations. Sometimes the pressure becomes  unbearable, although that’s her secret. By the day he turns 21, Tom has a unique  perspective of the world.

He is intelligent, but doesn't like to work for money and hence is  often broke. He hates the idea of conforming to conventional norms and is annoyed if someone  interferes with his creative expression. At this point Tom knows alot about himself  but doesn’t connect well with others.

To him, people seem to follow rules  without questioning them— just like sheep. Integrating into the society is difficult at  this point and he begins to search for utopia. Mira makes it into a top medical school where she  realizes, she’ll never be top of the class again.

Once that place seems out of reach,  her motivation drops and she wonders if medicine actually interests  her. Since quitting is no option, she takes up a second major and  runs for student council president. Soon Mira will know everything about what  others expect, but nothing about what she likes for herself.

All her life she has just  listened - driven by external feedback loops. At this point she's also lost the ability to  question the norms of the society she grew up in. Listening to our heart can tell us who we  are, but not how to be happy among others.

Listening to others can motivate us to be  a part of their world, but doesn't teach us if that world is ours. This is why it’s  probably good for the two to go together. Then we can learn what we want, and  get the feedback that we need in order to stay motivated to explore  new roads into a better society.

A large body of research shows that balancing  the two forces is not straightforward. One meta-analysis of 128 studies examined the effects  of extrinsic rewards on intrinsic motivation. While most rewards significantly  undermined our intrinsic interest, positive feedback — which is an extrinsic  motivator — inspires us to keep going.

Put simply, honest words of  encouragement get us going, while money or gifts undermine our inner drive. What about you? Do you listen to your  heart or to the voices of society?

And from your personal experience, which  of the two eventually takes your decision? Share your thoughts and check the  description to dive deeper into the topic. Sprouts videos are published under the Creative  Commons License.

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