Facebook's Bad Day: Whistleblower's Claims Go Viral Before Global Outage Takes It All Down

2.01M views1814 WordsGrade 5 ReadabilityDownload TxT File
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Stephen investigates the worldwide outage at Facebook, WhatsApp and Instagram, which came one day after dark corporate secrets were revealed by a company whistleblower. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

... Show More

Video Transcript:

>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- I COME TO YOU ON A STRANGE AND UNSETTLING DAY IN AMERICA BECAUSE TODAY, MONDAY, OCTOBER 4TH, IS NATIONAL TACO DAY. ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S RIGHT. NATIONAL TACO DAY ON A "MONDAY." ( LAUGHTER ) A VIOLATION OF THE CHERISHED AMERICAN INSTITUTION OF TACO TUESDAYS. WHAT'S NEXT? SUPERBOWL WEDNESDAY? THROWBACK SUNDAY? HOLDING TOYOTATHON DURING THE SACRED HIGH HONDA-DAYS? ( LAUGHTER ) AS IF THAT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH, TACOS HAVE TO SHARE THEIR SPECIAL DAY WITH ANOTHER IMPORTANT MADE-UP OCCASION: "NATIONAL CINNAMON ROLL DAY." ( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) BOTH -- BOTH -- BUT WHAT IF YOU'RE FROM A FAMILY WHERE MOM'S SIDE OBSERVES TACO DAY, BUT YOUR DAD'S SIDE CELEBRATES CINNAMON ROLLS? YOU END UP EATING A BIG BEEF AND CINNA-CHEESY ROLL-DITA. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) TACO BELL, CALL ME. >> Jon: THAT'LL SING YOU SOMETHING. >> Stephen: 2:00 IN THE MORNING, YOU BET. SCATTERED APPRECIATION. ( LAUGHTER ) ONE PLACE YOU COULDN'T SHARE YOUR FAVORITE NATIONAL TACO DAY MEMORIES TODAY WAS FACEBOOK, BECAUSE THEY, ALONG WITH WHATSAPP AND INSTAGRAM SUFFERED OUTAGES THIS AFTERNOON. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH, I KNOW, ONE IMAGINES THAT'S SAD. SO IF YOU WANTED TO SHARE PHOTOS, YOU HAD TO GO DOOR-TO-DOOR WITH POLAROIDS OF YOUR BRUNCH. ( LAUGHTER ) THE OUTAGE, WHICH BEGAN THIS , HOW MANY PEOPLE COULDN'T GET ON? ( CHEERING ) I HEAR BAD THINGS. THE OUTAGE, WHICH BEGAN THIS MORNING AT 11:45, KEPT GOING ALL AFTERNOON, AND EVENTUALLY REGISTERED AS ONE OF THE LONGEST OUTAGES IN THE HISTORY OF FACEBOOK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, WAIT A SECOND! YOU'RE ALL HAPPY IT WENT DOWN BUT MOMENTS AGO YOU ALL TRIED TO GET ON TODAY! ( LAUGHTER ) SEEK HELP! FOR HOURS, USERS WERE LEFT IN SUSPENSE ABOUT WHETHER THEIR SECOND COUSIN THINKS THE VACCINE GIVES YOUR PANCREAS WIFI. ( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS SO BAD THAT THE ONLY WAY FACEBOOK COULD LET THE WORLD KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON WAS BY POSTING A MESSAGE ON TWITTER. ( LAUGHTER ) OW! OW! >> Jon: OW! THAT HURTS! THAT HURTS! >> Stephen: THAT MUST HURT! FACEBOOK IS COMMUNICATING THEIR PROBLEMS ON TWITTER? THAT'S LIKE BURGER KING RUNNING OUT OF FRIES AND ANNOUNCING IT ON A BIG MAC. ( LAUGHTER ) TWITTER TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO GREET BILLIONS OF DISPLACED FACEBOOK USERS BY POSTING: "HELLO LITERALLY EVERYONE." ( APPLAUSE ) GOOD FOR THEM! GRAB THAT BRASS RING! >> YEAH, YOU GOT TO GO GET IT! COME ON, ON IT! THEY HAD TO INITIATE NEW USERS BY EXPLAINING "IT'S ALL THE HATEFUL ARGUING WITHOUT ANY PICTURES OF YOUR NEPHEW'S PIANO RECITAL! ENJOY!" AS PANIC GREW, FACEBOOK DID NOT SAY WHAT MIGHT BE CAUSING THE OUTAGE. NOW, I'M NO COMPUTER EXPERT, BUT MY THEORY IS.. A JUST GOD? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ AGAIN, I HAVE TO CHECK IT OUT. ONE OF THESE DAYS, I GOTTA CHECK IT OUT. AS FOR THE ATTITUDE INSIDE THE COMPANY. ADAM MOSSERI, THE HEAD OF INSTAGRAM TWEETED THAT IT FEELS LIKE A "SNOW DAY." I ASSUME HE MEANS WHEN YOU REALIZE YOUR STOCK PORTFOLIO HAS PLUMMETED BY BILLIONS OF DOLLARS, SO YOU LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR OFFICE AND BINGE COCAINE ALL DAY. ( APPLAUSE ) HOW BAD WAS THIS? FACEBOOK EMPLOYEES TRIED TO REBOOT THE SYSTEM, BUT COULDN'T GET IN THE BUILDING BECAUSE THEIR BADGES WEREN'T WORKING FOR ACCESS DOORS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERYTHING'S DOWN! NOW, CLEARLY, THIS IS THE DAY THE MACHINES HAVE RISEN UP AND ARE TAKING OVER, BUT DON'T PANIC. THEY ONLY KNOW OUR THOUGHTS FEELINGS, FAMILY, FRIENDS, LOCATION, FACIAL PATTERNS, AND BANKING DATA. ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS JUST THE LATEST IN A RUN OF BAD P.R. FOR FACEBOOK THE WALL STREET JOURNAL RECENTLY PUBLISHED LEAKED DOCUMENTS SHOWING THAT THE COMPANY KNOWS THAT INSTAGRAM IS TOXIC FOR TEEN GIRLS. THOUGH YOU CAN ALSO CHECK INSTA FOR WAYS TO FLUSH OUT THOSE TOXINS WITH AN AMAZING MATCHA TEA THAT GIVES YOU A BRAZILIAN BUTT LIFT. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ON SUNDAY, THE WHISTLEBLOWER WHO LEAKED THOSE DOCUMENTS CAME FORWARD ON EVERY TEEN GIRL'S FAVORITE LONG-FORM INVESTIGATORY NEWS PROGRAM, 60 MINUTES -- ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) THE WHISTLEBLOWER IS FORMER FACEBOOK PRODUCT MANAGER AND SUPERGIRL AT ANN TAYLOR LOFT, FRANCES HAUGEN. HAUGEN'S BIGGEST BOMBSHELL WAS THAT FACEBOOK 'CHOOSES PROFITS OVER SAFETY.' WAIT A MINUTE! ( LAUGHTER ) DID I HEAR THAT CORRECTLY? ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT A CORPORATION CHOSE MONEY OVER THE SAFETY OF CONSUMERS? THIS IS SO DISTURBING, I NEED TO CALM DOWN WITH AN ICE-COLD FOUR LOKO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MMM. MMM. MMM. ( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE ) MM, MM, MM MM, MM, MM. TASTES LIKE STEALING A LUGGAGE CART FROM A HOTEL AND RIDING IT NAKED DOWN A HILL INTO HIGHWAY TRAFFIC. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) I'M GETTING NOTES OF DEEP REGRET. ( LAUGHTER ) HAUGEN EXPLAINED THAT FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM USE YOUR OWN SELF-ESTEEM AS BAIT. >> FACEBOOK'S OWN RESEARCH SAYS AS THESE YOUNG WOMEN BEGIN TO CONSUME THIS EATING DISORDER CONTENT THEY GET MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED, AND IT ACTUALLY MAKES THEM USE THE APP MORE. >> STEPHEN: EVERYONE KNOWS MAKING YOU FEEL BAD IS A GREAT BUSINESS MODEL! THAT'S WHY OREOS INTRODUCED THEIR NEW FLAVOR: DOUBLE-STUF SHAME! NO ONE LOVES YOU, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL EAT A WHOLE SLEEVE. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I CAN GO WITH THAT. >> Jon: UH-HUH. >> Stephen: BIG CINA-CHEESY. BUT THE FACEBOOK MONSTER DOESN'T JUST FEED ON YOUR SADNESS, IT ALSO FEASTS ON YOUR RAGE. >> ONE OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF HOW FACEBOOK IS PICKING OUT THAT CONTENT TODAY, IS IT IS OPTIMIZING FOR CONTENT THAT GETS ENGAGEMENT, IT IS EASIER TO INSPIRE PEOPLE TO ANGER THAN IT IS TO OTHER EMOTIONS. >> Stephen: WELL, IF THE Facebook ALGORITHM LIKES THINGS THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY, IT'S GONNA LOVE THIS NEWS ABOUT THE FACEBOOK ALGORITHM. HAUGEN WORKED FOR FACEBOOK'S CIVIC INTEGRITY TEAM, AND SHE KNEW SOMETHING WAS VERY WRONG RIGHT AFTER THE 2020 ELECTION. >> THEY TOLD US WE'RE DISSOLVING CIVIC INTEGRITY. LIKE THEY BASICALLY SAID OH GOOD, WE MADE IT THROUGH THE ELECTION, THERE WASN'T RIOTS, WE CAN GET RID OF CIVIC INTEGRITY NOW. FAST FORWARD A COUPLE OF MONTHS WE GOT THE INSURRECTION. >> STEPHEN: YIKES. THAT'S LIKE A DAD SAYING (AS DAD) "OK, WE'RE OFF THE HIGHWAY. EVERYBODY TAKE YOUR SEATBELTS OFF. I DON'T THINK MANY CAR ACCIDENTS OCCUR CLOSE TO HOME. DAD'S GONNA CRACK OPEN A FROSTY COLD 4 LOKO. WOO!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ARE THEY A SPONSOR FOR LOCO? I FEEL BETTER. ( LAUGHTER ) FACEBOOK WAS CLEARLY RATTLED, BECAUSE THEY SENT OUT AN EXECUTIVE TO DO SOME DAMAGE CONTROL BEFORE THE INTERVIEW EVEN AIRED. >> OF COURSE, WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN EVERYTHING RIGHT. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS PERFECTION IN SOCIAL MEDIA AS MUCH AS IN ANY OTHER WALK OF LIFE. >> Stephen: OH REALLY? THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS PERFECTION ON SOCIAL MEDIA? HAVE YOU SEEN CHRISTIANO RONALDO'S INSTAGRAM? BANG! BANG! WE WERE GONNA SHOW YOU MORE, BUT WE CAN'T, BECAUSE INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WE GONNA GET THERE ONE DAY. I'M COMING FOR YEAH. >> THIS Facebook STORY WAS ORIGINALLY BROKEN BY THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, INCLUDING TECHNOLOGY REPORTER JEFF HORWITZ, WHO WENT ON THE SUNDAY SHOWS TO TALK ABOUT THE SCOOP. BUT HE ENDED UP GETTING PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT. >> SO, JOINING ME FOR MORE ON ALL OF THIS IS JEFF HOROWITZ, ONE OF THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL" REPORTERS WHO'S BEEN REPORTING ON FACEBOOK UNDER THEIR UMBRELLA, 'FACEBOOK FILES.' >> STEPHEN: HOLY HEADBAND! WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING? IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN WALTER CRONKITE COVERED NIXON'S RESIGNATION WEARING SHUTTER SHADES. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) IT WAS LIKE BE BJORN BORG. HORWITZ TOOK TO TWITTER TO DEFEND HIS CHOICE OF HEADGEAR, SAYING: THE HEADBAND HAS BEEN A PRETTY CONSTANT THING FOR ME THROUGHOUT A VERY LONG AND WEIRD COVID-TIME REPORTING PROJECT. I GET IT. I MEAN, EVERYONE KNOWS ONE OF THE SYMPTOMS OF COVID REPORTING IS LOSS OF TASTE. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU. SINCERELY, THANK YOU. HAPPY MONDAY. SPEAKING OF WHISTLEBLOWERS, LAST NIGHT THERE WAS A MASSIVE REPORT ABOUT TAX HAVENS DROPPED BY THE INTERNATIONAL CONSORTIUM OF INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISTS, DOCUMENTING THAT HUNDREDS OF WORLD LEADERS, POWERFUL POLITICIANS, BILLIONAIRES, CELEBRITIES, RELIGIOUS LEADERS AND DRUG DEALERS HAVE BEEN HIDING THEIR INVESTMENTS IN MANSIONS, EXCLUSIVE BEACHFRONT PROPERTY, YACHTS, AND OTHER ASSETS FOR THE PAST QUARTER-CENTURY. WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF MY LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT, "RICH PEOPLE, THEY'RE JUST NOT LIKE US." US PAY TAXES. >> "UH-OH! TO THE CAYMANS!" ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) >> STEPHEN: THE LEAK IS THE FOLLOW UP TO THE 2016 PANAMA PAPERS AND IS BEING CALLED THE PANDORA PAPERS. AND THEY SHOW HOW THE SUPER RICH USE SHELL COMPANIES TO HOLD LUXURY ITEMS SUCH AS PROPERTY AND YACHTS, AND EVEN PAINTINGS BY PICASSO AND MURALS BY BANKSY. HAVE THEY SEEN BANKSY'S WORK? THE GUY'S NOT BIG ON CAPITALISM. THERE'S A REASON THE DOCUMENTARY WAS CALLED "EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP" AND NOT "I JUST BOUGHT THE GIFT SHOP AS A FRONT TO HIDE THE PROFITS FROM MY DRUG SMUGGLING." ( APPLAUSE ) THE PEOPLE NAMED -- DRUG SMUGGLING! DRUG -- ENTREPRENEURS! ENTREPRENEURS. THE PEOPLE NAMED IN THE LEAK ARE FROM ACROSS THE ECONOMIC SPECTRUM: FROM THE IMPOSSIBLY WEALTHY ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE RIDICULOUSLY RICH. FIRST UP: JORDANIAN RULER AND THAT WOMAN'S VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY, KING ABDULLAH II. ACCORDING TO THE LEAKS, WHILE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN AMERICAN AID POURED INTO JORDAN OVER THE PAST DECADE, A SECRET STREAM OF MONEY WAS FLOWING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AS KING ABDULLAH II, SPENT MILLIONS ON EXTRAVAGANT HOMES IN THE UNITED STATES. SEE, KIDS: TAKE RISKS, WORK HARD, PAY YOUR TAXES, AND ONE DAY YOU CAN REALIZE THE AMERICAN DREAM OF BUYING A HOME...FOR THE KING OF JORDAN. ( LAUGHTER ) THE REPORT ALSO INCLUDES CELEBRITIES LIKE CLAUDIA SCHIFFER, MONICA BELLUCCI, AND EVEN SHAKIRA. TURNS OUT HER HIPS DON'T LIE, BUT HER ACCOUNTANT DOES. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) THE LEAKS GO ON TO NAME SEVERAL PROMINENT FIGURES IN GLOBAL POLITICS LIKE PRESIDENT OF KENYA, UHURU KENYATTA, CZECH PRIME MINISTER ANDREJ BABIS, PRIME MINISTER OF LEBANON, NAJIB MIKATI, AND CANADIAN OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATER ELVIS STOJKO. ELVIS STOJKO? ( LAUGHTER ) HOW DOES HE HAVE THIS KIND OF MONEY? ELVIS STOJKO AND I HAVE THE EXACT SAME NUMBER OF OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALS, AND YET I DO NOT HAVE STOJKO MONEY. ( APPLAUSE ) I GOTTA GET A NEW ACCOUNTANT. AND SOME SKATES. AND SOME SEQUINS. ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST FAR FLUNG LOCATIONS LIKE THE CAYMAN ISLANDS AND PANAMA, ACCORDING TO THE LEAK, THE STATE OF SOUTH DAKOTA IS SHELTERING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN WEALTH. THAT'S RIGHT, SOUTH DAKOTA IS THE NEW CAYMAN ISLANDS! IT'S THE PERFECT PLACE TO HIDE MONEY, BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO THERE. ( APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON. MA'AM -- ( APPLAUSE ) -- WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE DOCUMENTS? SOUTH DAKOTA? YOU CAN GO. ( LAUGHTER ) THIS ONE'S A FREEBIE. IF THERE WERE ONLY A WAY TO GET OUR HANDS ON ALL THOSE HIDDEN FUNDS. HAVE THEY TRIED THIS? (SLOT MACHINE WINNING BELLS) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JULIANNA MARGULIES. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, IS YOUR DOG GETTING HIGH? THE ANSWER MIGHT MAKE YOU PARANOID.

Related Videos

HOT TAKE honors Jennifer Rubin's "Dead Sprint From Life's Work"

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

10.1k - 6 hours ago - 4:2

Diane Keaton And Justin Bieber Are Having A Moment, And Where Is Dan Scavino?

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

1.1M - 3 days ago - 11:42

Stephen Colbert Presents: The Best Moments From 25 Years Of Fox News

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

1.4M - 2 days ago - 10:18

Anti-Vaxxers Bring The Crazy At Public Meetings In California

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

1.5M - 1 month ago - 11:26

Colbert Loses Fat Bear Week, Biden May Mint A Trillion Dollar Coin

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

1.4M - 4 days ago - 11:48

Who Are The Kids Vying For Logan Roy's Empire On "Succession"?

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

238.6k - 2 days ago - 5:58

Colbert Report funny moments compilation

BirdWatch

22.6k - 1 month ago - 17:21

Stephen Spoils Juicy Details From Grisham's Book, And Pence Whitewashes Jan. 6th Riot

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

1.7M - 5 days ago - 12:7

Facebook's Bad Day: Whistleblower's Claims Go Viral Before Global Outage Takes It All Down

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

2M - 6 days ago - 14:

Jon Stewart On Vaccine Science And The Wuhan Lab Theory

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

7.2M - 3 months ago - 8:38

Biden Faces Mounting Criticism As The Taliban Takes Control Of Afghanistan

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

2.2M - 1 month ago - 11:57

Breaking: Biden Wins Arizona! Cyber Ninjas Audit Ends In Crushing Humiliation For GOP

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

1.7M - 1 week ago - 11:55

Meanwhile... Heinz's Ketchup Packet Roller Solved One Of The World's Trickiest Problems

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

976.7k - 5 days ago - 5:31

Aging Politicians And Meat Eaters Stand In The Way Of America's Climate Progress

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

1.4M - 2 weeks ago - 11:37

No, Stephen Colbert Did NOT Attend Barack Obama's 60th Birthday Party

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

1.9M - 2 months ago - 13:38

#SuperBalls: Nicki Minaj's Cousin's Friend's Testicles Are Still The Week's Biggest Story

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

1.7M - 3 weeks ago - 13:25

New "Jeopardy!" Host Mired In Scandal Mere Days After Awarding Himself The Gig

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

2.3M - 1 month ago - 11:12

Part 1 - Jon Stewart Takes The Colbert Questionert

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

1.3M - 1 week ago - 8:

460 Days Later, Stephen Colbert Returns To THE Late Show Stage With A Full Audience

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

2.6M - 3 months ago - 12:27

Rudy Giuliani Is Banned From Fox News, But Not From The Late Show!

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

1.5M - 1 week ago - 8:18

Like it? Make YTScribe even better by leaving a review