from New York City Comedy Central presents Tammy [Music] pescatelli he wow thank you so much wow thank you so much I'm here you know a Comedy Central special half hour it's it's sold out it's like a dream for a girl from the neighborhood and a good dream not like one of those ones where like you're naked at Walmart looking for your fourth grade art project and you're scared that someone's going to walk in I get always CRA I have crazy dreams and my family like has always supported them but they're they like they my family
is amazing but they can ruin the most ridiculous things I don't know if you ever they came to visit visit me I was in LA 17 of my immediate family members came to see me we went to Disneyland and we got kicked out okay of the happiest place on Earth if that's any indication of my and I love them all it's all I have these two twin uncles that are every stereotype you've ever seen of Italian people right like two Joe pesis they're the gold chains and the jogan suits and they're not tall enough to
ride the rides they smuggle their own homemade wine into the park and they're drunk walking around small world telling people how ugly their babies are hey lady you want a banana for that monkey look at the face in this kid and we got kicked out of the park and you would think that that would be enough right but really I have to tell you that was the best day of my entire life because my uncle said the funniest thing I've ever heard I've been a comic 11 years I've heard nothing as funny as this that
day the security guard is pushing him pushing him pushing him my uncle kind of squares up looks at him right in the eye and goes hey if you don't get off of me I'm going to punch you in [Laughter] the punch you in the who says that and that's a fight that you're going to win okay cuz I don't care how scrap you are you can't block a punch all right you don't know where that's coming from you have see they're tapping out right after this people say to me Tammy where did you get your
material I go I wake up my whole family like when I was a kid you know how most of your first memories are soft nice you're like four or five years old they're just soft memories riding a bike or whatever not me my family at a baseball game I thought my grandfather had lost his mind in the middle of the game he jumps up he starts screaming at the top of his lungs he's like 880,000 people 80,000 people I go Papa what's wrong he goes 80,000 people and that a bird had to on me what
the hell is wrong with you I say what the hell is wrong with you all the time I don't know if you're like me but like don't you see ridiculous stuff every day that you just wish you could walk up to that person and go hey come here what the hell is wrong with you like the chubby girl with the half shirts right right huh like put a poncho on it's popular now okay they don't have mirrors where you live what the hell is wrong with you are the boys now the trend is like the
boys where their pants halfway down their butt with their underwear hanging out like the telephone rang and they were in the toilet or something like pull up your pants Snappy nobody wants to see that what the hell is wrong with you if I had a TV show called what the hell is wrong with you I would interview all kinds of people like what about the man did you hear about the man who flew his plane over the White House cost American taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars in National Security they sent up flares and choppers
and the man's excuse was he didn't know that you can fly your plane over the White House what theck hell is wrong with you okay cuz I'm not a pilot are you a pilot you a pilot you guys you know not to fly your plane over the White House and if you don't know how about when the first fighter jet pulls up alongside of you right perhaps that's a hint glider boy okay land the plane and they're taking away his drivers l license there his pilot's license and apparently he's appealing cuz nowadays that's what people
do they appeal remember in the old days when people do something embarrassing and they would have the respect enough for the rest of us to stay home for a while right like Marv Albert we didn't see him for three or four years this idiot is appealing the next day he was in court appealing his sentence I go you know I wish that I could be the guest judge really I wish I could be the guest judge because if it were up to me I would take away his pilot's license his driver's license if he's got
a dog I'd take away his dog license for up to me every day for one year he should get punched in the okay just H one of my little hairy uncles how you doing all right see you tomorrow about 3:00 have a good day you think it's harsh but I'm creating jobs you get punched in the every day for a year there will be no repeat offenders [Applause] okay I don't really know what the hell is wrong with people I look at Terell Owens that's the sports part of uh what the hell is wrong with
you Terell Owen no people you don't have to know anything just know that this is a man you don't have to know about football just know this is a man who literally can't go to a $6 million a year job anymore because he couldn't find a way to get along with his co-workers what the hell is wrong with you $6 million a year it's crazy $6 million a year you could pee on me every day at work I will show up the next day what time you got to pee tomorrow coach you got to take
a dump I can come in early you know what I mean I'm a team player get in my new car and go home and shower 6 million a year you could pee on me and my entire family I'll call them up Ma Dad bring the boy shave the dog and leave the at home that's my sister-in-law that's it there's no joke I'm just telling everybody you guys don't understand how hard I had to fight for that joke cuz literally they're like don't call your sister-in-law on TV I go why they go cuz she'll sue you
I go first you got to prove she's not a get out of here it's never going to happen who's a jury or her peers they don't register the polls they swing on them get out of here what the hell is wrong with you it's not her fault really seriously I'm going to tell you why because it's not just me I know that you've noticed what happened to class dignity a little self-respect in this country there's a whole generation young girls who have no class that flash their tatonis every chance they get yeah tatonis that's the
neighborhood word for breast doesn't it sound like the award you win for the best cleavage and the taton goes too she's one of those girls you see them they make the videos who I done spring break and that's fine it's fun now right but you know what happens I grew up with our boys and 5 years from now those are the same girls who are going to be crying on a talk show somewhere blaming all men I can't find a good man yeah cuz you're a sorry now get your baby and get the hell out
of here oh I love that joke cuz I can always tell where the are you know who you are everybody else does too don't get yourself no I love that you guys got that joke because you get it right I mean that's you know how there's always one idiot that ruins everything you know there's always that one idiot like the guy who wins the lottery and says he's going back to work can you imagine sitting next to the guy who won $340 million in the lot you would stab him in the eye with a paperclip
so you know there's always one idiot so I tell that joke about I say get your baby and get out of here and there's a woman and she's a Critic and she hates me and she writes in her column that I'm trying to cut down all single moms now that's not what I'm saying I have much respect for motherhood let alone being a single mom okay I know how that job has got to be cuz I'm single and I can't race sea monkeys right now all right you know how I'm cutting down with that joke
when I I say get your baby and get out of here horse and if that offends you good okay it's a little something [Music] right it's a little something I like to call the Save A Ho project okay it's about bringing class and dignity back to this country we'll go City to City hire Bob we do a makeover show call it this old hoe it'll be wonderful first episode will star my [Applause] sister-in-law it's crazy to me I don't know what it is there's just like this whole generation especially girls are trying to be perfect
you don't have to be perfect you know that like men don't try to be perfect for us they don't what do you guys we're lucky if they shower and trying to be perfect will get you in trouble cuz I had a neighbor who got the silicone to tonies and one got hard just one like a rock then you can't swim you just keep flipping over I think that's why they cancel Baywatch right cuz those broads are scaring people is that a shark no that's unib boob leave her alone uh and when they get them done
nowadays have you noticed all of a sudden like they give these excuses to show them up it's a wardrobe malfunction get out of here War what the hell is wrong with me if I believe that wardrobe malfunction I've been getting dressed for a couple of decades by myself now never once did I sit down for dinner with my family and my taton just hey oh I'm sorry Grandma it's a wardrobe malfunction get off you better pray my grandma never has a wardrobe malfunction cuz you won't eat for three days okay I swear to God she
has huge Tony 48 dou e long all right they're awful awful and they're like weapons to her okay she makes them work she is the Jacky Chan of the tatoni nunchucks like if you're acting up in the corner she won't chase you she'll just booby Boomerang you just you laugh you get hit in the face with a nipple you will straighten your badass up it's not much fun but it's crazy because like like my grandmother's a role model to me a lot of these young girls they don't have Role Models Ros and Paula P they
were role they really were role models to me who are the role models for these young girls now who Anna Nicole look at you Anna Nicole some you go don't pick on Anna she's dumb nope she chose to be dumb okay cuz the library was open for every body all right it's just my opinion I didn't have a special pass to get in and learn something a secret decoder ring I feel bad for her though because I'll tell you something when Anna gained weight Hollywood made her feel so badly about herself because if you watched
women on TV nowadays they're all so tiny they're like size double zero they're beautiful but they're mean because they're hungry okay it's awful it's not natural be 28 years old shopping at Bab Gap okay they're mean I'm telling you because literally I was doing a show in LA and after the show this girl came up to me double zero girl wanted to physically fight me now I don't even know what she was mad about okay probably something I said about horse I don't know I just you make your own decision but she wanted to physically
fight me and I go okay we're not doing this first of all it's two reasons number one there's no class or dignity in that and I'm not doing it I go number two you're double zero and I'm a girl from the neighborhood if I swing at you and Miss you'll die of pneumonia okay jeez jeez and people are crazy though nowadays you know and really I wish someone would tell I had Brothers to tell me no one tells these young girls and they watch MTV and then they leave the house and the outfits they see
the women wear in the videos two potato chips and a Band-Aid right and they think that they're sexy just cuz a man wants to sleep with them no just cuz a man wants to sleep with you does not mean you're sexy cuz my brothers will hump a couch if the cushions are fluffy enough okay all right that's just a biological function there's not a knole in a tree in America that has in that little peee shov in it at one point that's why they call it a Woody all right I swear to God I listen
at the door when they have the meetings some of you are don't oh she said listen trust me that's not a dirty joke that's a message from the save a hole project there's so much going on right now like women right now it you know and I'll tell you the truth as a woman I will admit that women dress for other women right that's why men if we love you we dress you for other women too that's why we dress you stupid cuz we want another woman to look at you and go he's cute but
I can't fix all of this who do you think invented the Hawaiian shirt okay and I know this from growing up with boys that a lot of things pretty much really pretty much everything a man does is to see a woman naked it's the truth it really is right I mean you know it you wake up that's why they have jobs that's why they have homes that's why they have cars just to see a woman naked and you don't have to go through all that you're really really don't all you need to do is put
a scale in your living room cuz there's not a woman alive who weighs herself completely [Laughter] dressed right we start getting undressed on the way to the doctor's office wow my earrings weigh three PBS take these off I don't know it's been a lot of fun for me I've had a great year did a lot of charity work this year and I love doing charity work for good CA CES i' be happy to help out in any disaster you know the only thing I don't like doing is helping people who lose their mobile homes to
natural disasters because don't you know the definition of mobile hook that son of up cooter and drive okay right we have time I did a charity I oh God I you won't even believe this I did a charity show for the Playboy Foundation I don't know what their charity is 14-year-old boys who go blind from reading the magazine I didn't ask I'm just trying to go do a good deed and afterwards they had a party at the old dude's house and I didn't want to go but my brothers made me go for research and my
boyfriend wanted to go yeah right like that's going to happen oh that was terrible at the Playboy I was drunk and you know when women get women just alcohol and estrogen is a true serum okay when we get drunk we have to announce it I'm drunk woo woo high five high five high five and at that exact second every guy's head in that entire place just goes ding ding ding we got a winner cuz for men it's like watching the Discovery Channel they wait for the week one to fall off from the herd you know
they're like Darter put her on the top of the truck we got a live one Earl let's go you got tags come on we're going to release her in the wild it's crazy and when a woman gets drunk out with her girlfriend say you ever heard the the drunk chick cry have you ever heard the the hyp you wonder why whales randomly Beach themselves sometimes I think it's a direct result of girls night out but I just you know and it's funny because I'm there and I'm feisty because I'm drunk and they have a trampoline
contest to raise money and I'm like anything for the children and let me tell you those girls I to tell you they're little and they're mean and they drop kick me off the trampoline Okay and I go flying on my butt down a hill into a pond a peacock goes to attack me I think I'm paralyzed but really I'm just drunk stuck in the mud and all I can do is picture the phone call to my parents house Mr Mrs pescatelli we're sorry to inform you but your daughter's been paralyzed oh my God what happened
well she was drunk and she fell off the trampoline at the Playboy Mansion leave the there and I'm going to tell you something I couldn't walk for three days and you can talk about class and self-respect and dignity all you want but when you can't walk for three days after going to a party at the Playboy Mansion nobody believes it has anything to do with an unfortunate trampoline accident not only the president of the save AO project good night God bless you thank you very much thank [Music] [Music] you [Music] [Applause] [Music] e a
