Wife Refused to Let My Teenage Daughter Move Back Home Because She's 'Not Real Family'. After Our...

My wife refused to let my teenage daughter move back home because she's not "real family. " After our fight, she admitted she was jealous of my daughter. Anna is 16 years old; she had an accident when I was 24.

Anna's mother and I were never together as a couple because it was a one-night stand, but we have maintained a friendly and healthy co-parenting relationship since she was born, and we became good friends. My daughter has been living on another continent for a few years with her mother and stepfather, but she wants to come back because she doesn't feel comfortable there and misses her family and friends. Anna doesn't know the language well, and it's still hard for her to learn it fully, so she feels really lonely there.

It is different to speak your native language than to make friends by speaking a foreign language from scratch. I spoke with my daughter's mother, and we thought it was a good idea to let Anna live with me. Her room is now my home office, but I can easily put together a room for her again.

We didn't confirm anything; I talked to my wife about it first, and I was sure that she was going to be okay with that because we literally talked about that possibility before. The problem is that my wife doesn't want that to happen. My wife and Anna have never been close because they only met in person at our wedding when I was able to pay for my daughter to come.

That was the last time I saw my daughter in person too; plane tickets are too expensive. However, they do tend to talk a little bit when I make video calls with Anna every day, but not much. Anna also talks to her brother, and he likes her a lot even if they just see each other on video calls.

My wife says Anna is not going to feel comfortable in a house with strangers, and I told her that we are literally her family. She said no, she and our toddler are not Anna's family because they barely know her in person. It honestly hurts me that she thinks that way, but I understand her point of view.

Although our toddler is Anna's brother, it annoyed me that she said that because our little one really loves his sister even if they only see each other online. I had an argument with my wife about it, and I ended up telling her that my daughter will always come first, because it's true for me. My children will always come before any other person, and she knew very well about my daughter when we married.

My wife got angry and said that bringing Anna home would change how we handle ourselves and that she doesn't want to be a stepmother. She said that Anna lived with her mother on another continent, so it's not the same as having her right here every day. I told her that no one is asking her to be a stepmother because I will be the one who takes care of her as always.

My daughter used to stay many days and even months with me, and I was the one who took care of her. I'm not going to give my wife all the work because I was a single father for a long time, and I know how to take care of my daughter. I work, I clean, I cook, and I take full care of our son when she works and wants to go out and do something, just like she does with me.

We both support each other in raising our son. I don't know why many people are so shocked about the fact that I take responsibility for my own child, but if she doesn't respect my daughter's presence in the house and hates it that much, then she has all the freedom to go to a hotel room. I was a big idiot because those words obviously ended up really badly, and we had a worse argument.

My daughter has every right to live in my house if she wants, but my wife doesn’t want that. I really love my wife, but my biggest focus is to give the best to my children, and I would love to have my princess here after so many years. My wife hasn't been talking to me at all, and she's very angry, but she continues with the same stance that she doesn't want Anna here at all.

I know I will get angry, and we will end up arguing again because I'm not going to leave my daughter alone. My wife always knew that Anna lived with me several days a week when she was still in the country because I talked with her about that and the possibility of Anna's family returning to the country if things went wrong. That would have meant that Anna would come back to live with me for many days or even months, like she always did.

My daughter used to come to my house every day, too. My wife agreed to that years ago when we talked about it, but now she admits that she thought my daughter was going to stay out of the country with her mother because their business is going really well. To make it less obvious, I changed some details.

Guys, I've been reading the comments non-stop for two hours, and I have too much to think about. Thank you very much for the advice, whether bad or good; this is helping me to reflect on several things that I did not take into account. But please don't be so harsh because I'm a real person!

Haha. His wife wanted it because she knows that my daughter used to stay in my home before she left the country. My wife says that, in her mind, my daughter was always going to live with her mother.

To another commenter, she didn’t say that when we got married; she said it now. When I told her about that possibility years ago, she just said she was okay with it. Now she admits that she thought Anna would stay there.

Commenter: If she doesn’t change her mind, do you see your marriage lasting? OOP: To be honest, no, not at all. Even if I love my wife, my daughter no longer feels welcome in her school or comfortable.

I don’t want her to feel that way here too. Commenter: What are you going to do about the child that you guys share? OOP: My son would never be homeless.

Being okay with my wife would be the ideal plan, but if she continues to reject my daughter’s presence, and we break up, I’m going to make sure I pay her and our son a good place to stay and go for 50/50 custody like I had with Anna, or make some kind of cohabitation agreement. I’m going to do the same thing with my son that I did with my daughter, which was to go see her every day and take care of her. I wouldn’t fight with my wife or stress our son out with grown-up stuff.

Commenter: Not picking sides here, but if your wife leaves, so does your son. Everyone is screaming to put your child first. You may have your daughter full-time and your son 50/50; I doubt they would take a toddler away from a woman you say is a wonderful mother.

I think the rock and a hard place is a lot harder than you think. OOP: Yes, I’ve been thinking about that too. Co-parenting with Anna’s mother has always been really easy because we’ve always been good friends, and there was never a fight.

But I don’t want to think that if I divorce my wife or we break up because of this, I’ll have a harder time seeing my son, or how the co-parenting would be with her. Update (1) May 15, 2024: I’m sorry, but I decided to delete the post because a weirdo started to just spam my private messages with different accounts, and I don’t know if I can put the account on private or something like that. I don’t use this site too much, but a bot started sending me messages asking if I needed help, so I think my account could get banned because of that person doing this, and I’m too old for this.

So I’d rather post the update here where I can at least close the comments. I guess the post will be here if someone cares. First of all, I want to clarify that I am from a third-world country.

Here, it is really expensive to get a plane ticket, and if I travel, I must do it with my wife and our son too, so it is too much money that we cannot pay. I let my daughter’s mother take her to another country because, like every father, I want her to have better life opportunities. I don’t think that makes me a bad father, but I guess the minds that have always lived in privilege don’t understand.

The last time I could afford some tickets was for my daughter to come to the wedding. Not all of us have the privilege of paying for a plane flight. I’ve been thinking a lot, and in fact, I’m the OP because of the way I treated my wife.

Even if most of the comments agreed with me, I don’t think it was right to say that to the woman I love. Even though I was angry, I apologized to her for what I said and the way I said it, but I told her that I don’t like it when she ignores me and gives me the cold shoulder when I try to talk about our issues. The fact that she denied the familiarity between our son and daughter was just cruel.

She apologized for it and said she was angry and said things she regrets. I made it clear to her that Anna is coming because no one can forbid any of my children to live with me; not only morally but legally, I am totally obligated to provide a home for my daughter and son. She tried to argue, but I asked her how she would feel if we divorced and my new girlfriend refused to let our son live with me just because she didn’t sign up for it.

I asked her if she would appreciate a man who abandons his children for a woman more than a man who cares about his children. If she would feel confident knowing that she is married to a man who abandons his children that easily. My wife said no; obviously, she knows how much I care about our children and hates the kind of man who abandons their kids.

She knew she wanted to have a child with me because she saw how, even though my daughter was so far away, I made video calls to her every day, and we always help each other with things around the house. Then I asked her why she rejects the idea of my daughter being here, and she admitted being jealous of Anna. It is something that I have noticed in the past.

For example, for one of my daughter’s birthdays, I sent money to her mother to buy her a dress that was quite expensive, and my wife just said, “I guess you will buy our son something just as expensive. ” It was my mistake to let those comments pass and think they were just a weird joke. said that she doesn't want my daughter to come and took time away from our son.

That bothered me, and I told her that if we had two children, my time would also be divided, and that as a father, I can give the same attention to both. Changing our routine doesn't have to be a negative thing, and she knows that Anna is not a problem teenager. We talked a lot, and I explained to her that I just want to make everything work for both of us.

I apologized if I made her feel bad with the way I treated her, and I told her that I want to really hear what things are bothering her, so we can understand each other better. We agreed to have better dialogue and communication about these kinds of things. My wife admitted that her jealousy is wrong and feels embarrassed about it, but it's how she feels, and she feels awful for feeling like that.

I told her that feeling isn't right; being jealous of my daughter isn't right, and I told her that it would be okay to start going to the psychologist if we want to fix this, because I'm not going to let my daughter live in a place where she doesn't feel loved. My wife accepted, after talking about it a lot these days, and she wants to work on herself about that because she doesn't like feeling like that about a little girl and knows it's wrong. My wife and daughter have always had a nice interaction.

When I make video calls with Anna, my wife usually talks a little but not that much. I think my mistake was not offering my wife to make video calls alone with Anna, like Anna does with my toddler sometimes. My daughter really likes my wife and calls her "Auntie," even if they don't know each other very well, so I don't want her to know how my wife really feels about her.

I offered my wife to teach her how to play the same video game I play with my daughter so they can play together and get to know each other more. I know Anna would love that; they both have a lot of the same interests. She accepted and said she loves me and wants to try it for me and for our toddler.

If I leave my wife, I would be breaking my son's home; he's my baby too, and the last thing I want is for adult matters to affect him. I don't want to do that, and I love this woman. I want this to work, and I'm going to do my part for it, but at the first moment she treats my daughter badly, I will end things with her.

I clarified that to her, and she was right about that and promised me to work on this. I still haven't confirmed anything to Anna's mother about the date on which our daughter can come since I need to fix the room for her first, and I want my wife and little girl to get to know each other better. Talking about it with my psychologist, he told me that the best thing is always to get them closer little by little before Anna comes to live here.

These last four days, my wife and Anna have been talking longer, and I told Anna that we could teach my wife how to play with us. Anna feels really comfortable talking with my wife, and they started discussing random things, which I feel left out of because I don't understand the things they talk about, but I'm pretty glad to see that they actually have things to talk about. I suppose a lot of people are going to call me an idiot for not divorcing my wife because that was what most of the comments told me, but it's not all that simple.

It's not just about arguing and getting a divorce in a 50-50 custody arrangement. I personally think it's been better for us to have spoken up as mature people instead of just getting divorced. Seeing that my wife has opened up to me and is trying to work things out, I prefer to give this a second chance and hope that she can see my daughter as her friend and even as family if she allows it.

Your wife is going to treat your daughter badly? No one can read the future to say that, but I can work to make that future not happen. In the meantime, I prefer to maintain a positive approach since my wife has never behaved badly with my daughter.

My daughter knows that if she feels uncomfortable, she can talk about it with her mom, stepdad, or me, as we always teach her to talk to us about anything that makes her uncomfortable. Anna has a sharp tongue, so I doubt she'll stay quiet if my wife makes any comments that make her uncomfortable. I'm not going to force them to be best friends; I want them both to flow on their own.

I'm also not going to use my daughter as a free babysitter, as many in the comments suggested as a supposed solution. Both she and her brother can live in this house as long as they want. Edit: In the previous post, several people said that my wife also made a post here, but it's false; she doesn't use this site.

Edit 2: I don't understand why, but I've been getting a lot of notifications from that bot from a Redditor who thinks I need help, as well as private spam messages from different accounts created literally today. I really don't know who's doing this, and I don't understand what's fun about annoying me like that. Just block me.

Relevant comments where OP has replied: Comment if your wife doesn't get over her jealousy, though, you're going to. . .

I have to make a choice. Hopefully, since she took ownership of how awful what she said was, she'll become better. Oop, yes, I made it clear to my wife that my decision will always be to protect my children from any person or situation.

So, if her jealousy returns, there will be no third chance. Commenter, do you plan on leaving your daughter alone with your wife? Oop, for now, they have video calls with me.

If my daughter wants to have video calls only with my wife, then they will have video calls alone. My daughter is smart and has a sharp tongue; if she feels uncomfortable with anything my wife does, she will tell me, her mother, or stepfather about it. Commenter, I meant when she comes to stay with you.

Would you feel comfortable leaving your wife alone with your daughter? Oop, if my wife continues to improve her behavior and continues to be open to having a close relationship with my daughter, yes. The ideal, as I said in the post, is precisely the reason why they are making video calls together: so that not only I, but they, feel comfortable with each other when they live together.

Commenter, just because she's okay doing video calls with your daughter and being nice to her doesn't mean she's going to be the same when your daughter is in her home, especially when she doesn't want her there. Oop, and it doesn't mean she'll treat her badly either. Neither you nor I know the future, and we could assume all night about what will happen.

I prefer to think about the best for all the members of my family and trust that my wife wants to improve for herself and others with professional help. My wife needs to know she can talk to you if she's uncomfortable; this probably won't end well. Oop, my wife knows she can talk to me about whatever she wants.

As I said in the post, she has opened up to me about what she really thinks, and we've been having a sincere dialogue. Update: June 23rd, 2024. I didn't really think about updating again, but I remembered that I have the account, and I thought, why not?

Since I have free time at this moment while I take care of my toddler, my daughter and my wife's relationship is going very well. They both make video calls to watch some series together that they both like. They have even started to have inside jokes that I don't understand, but I think that's something good.

Although, to be honest, now I feel a little left out. Just joking! My wife has been going to the psychologist, and me too.

I want both of us to get better together to work on her insecurities and problems because she knows that feeling jealous of my daughter is not good at all. A few weeks ago, she talked to my daughter about her feelings towards her and apologized. My daughter was quite surprised to learn that my wife felt this way but accepted the apology and told her that she understands her.

I left them talking alone that day so they could have privacy, and after that, they have had a closer bond. My wife said that my daughter told her that she will always respect someone who is sincere and wants to be a better person. In the previous post, Manny said that I decided to bring my daughter without talking about it with my wife before, but that's literally what I did.

I never confirmed anything to the mother of my daughter until I spoke with my wife; I was never the partner of my daughter's mother. By the way, many comments mentioned her as my ex-wife, but we were never anything. The talk about bringing my daughter back was paused because I wanted them to know each other better before living all together.

But my wife started to talk about how she wants to decorate the bedroom and rejected all my ideas because they were too boring for a girl. So she's having fun redecorating the room with our toddler, who's really happy to see his sister in person. We still didn't arrange the date because my daughter's mother has to talk with her high school about the problems there and everything, and I have to prepare everything here too, but all is going well, step by step.

Update 3: New update September 12th, 2024. Hello! I just wanted to have one last update before deleting the account since I don't see the point of continuing to have it.

Haha! My daughter has been living with us for weeks now. My wife and she get along well; her little brother adores her, and they can finally spend time together in person.

He's really excited to have her home now. My wife has been working a lot on herself, and I have noticed how much she has changed in a good way and how her relationship with my daughter is good. I noticed it especially when we went to pick up my daughter at the airport, and my wife was very excited to see her.

They had been watching movies together online for months. She is no longer jealous of my daughter, and although it is a process that takes time, I know that she is making an effort. My daughter has not started school here yet, so she will have to wait until next year.

Anyway, we decided to bring her now since in a few months, the tickets will be much more expensive. It was my wife who told me that she felt ready to spend time in person with her. I was really happy to hear her say that.

I didn't expect her to already feel ready to tell me that my daughter lived in a country in. . .

Asia, although it was a really beautiful and safe country, was very difficult for her to adapt to, and their bullying is something very serious—much more so towards her, who had so much difficulty with the language. Sometimes she obviously misses her mom, but they text a lot. I try to spend as much time as I can with her so that she doesn't miss her mother and stepfather too much.

I also take her to see our relatives, and she has met my wife's family as well. In general, I know that she feels happy here, and she has told me that she missed her grandparents, uncles, and cousins. The whole family is very happy that she is back here.

My wife and I are doing great, and I've also worked on myself by going to therapy. Now we talk a lot whenever something bothers us or we have some discontent. I think the key is that we can communicate, even if they are dark thoughts.

I know that she is a good person, and like everyone, she has dark thoughts, but she is a good person because she works on improving herself, and I'm doing that too. I love her, and I know she's a good mother who wouldn't treat my daughter badly. I like to take care of our children—take care of them, clean, and cook for them—although sometimes I find it hard to understand that my daughter now does all that by herself and I don't have to do it!

Haha. But she is still small in my eyes, just like her brother. Anyway, I'm sorry if it's a boring update, and everyone expected me to divorce my wife, but things are like this.

Smile! Luckily, we are starting to solve our problems. They now have a relationship of friends, and I like that.

If they are happy like that.