Aliens Try to Enslave Humanity It Doesn't End Well | HFY | Sci Fi stories

so let me get this straight Captain Jane Harper said pinching the bridge of her nose you traveled across the Galaxy to offer us slavery the alien Diplomat a towering mass of tentacles and ey stocks bobbed what Jane assumed was its head precisely isn't it wonderful Jane exchanged glances with her second in command who was clearly fighting back laughter she cleared her throat and in exchange for becoming your slaves we get peace Eternal peace the alien corrected enthusiastically its tentacles waved in what might have been excitement or indigestion who could tell with these squid faced Interlopers

right Eternal peace on a planet we no longer control because we're slaves the aliens ey stocks swiveled in confusion you seem dissatisfied with our generous offer perhaps I should explain the benefits of slavery oh please do Jane replied her voice dripping with enough sarcasm to fill the Mariana Trench I'm dying to hear how being owned by space calamari is going to improve my life as the alien launched into what was undoubtedly a well- rehearsed sales pitch Jane found her mind wandering she thought about the years Humanity had spent preparing for First Contact the technological advancements

the cultural sensitivity training the painstaking efforts to appear civilized and worthy of joining the galactic community and now this slavery with a smile and that's why our whips are 30% more ergonomic than the leading competitors the alien concluded triumphantly Jane blinked I'm sorry I must have dozed off somewhere between indentured servitude and ergonomic whips could you repeat that last bit the alien's tentacles drooped slightly you you're not interested gee what gave it away Jane's second in command muttered Jane shot him a warning glance before turning back to the alien look Mr uh what did you

say your name was glog door the magnanimous conqueror of a thousand worlds bringer of chains and eternal piece right Googy can I call you gloy the alien's skin flushed a deep purple I would prefer great so gloy here's the thing Jane continued ignoring the aliens sputtering protests we humans have this funny little Quirk we're not big fans of slavery in fact we kind of have a history of violently opposing it glog door's eye stocks drooped further but but the Eternal peace yeah about that Jane said leaning forward we've got a counter offer for you how

about you turn that fancy spaceship of yours around go back to wherever you came from and we'll consider that our Eternal peace the alien tentacles began to ridee in agitation this this is most unusual no species has ever rejected our offer before Jane second in command snorted maybe you should update your sales pitch or you know not try to enslave sentient beings glog door's eye stock swiveled rapidly between the two humans but but what about the benefits package the dental plan the company picnics hard pass Jane said firmly now are you going to leave peacefully

or do we need to demonstrate why trying to enslave humanity is a spectacularly bad idea the alien deflated visibly its tentacles drooping to the floor I I suppose we'll take our leave then our superiors will be most displeased as glog door shuffled dejectedly towards the exit Jane called out hey gloy the alien turned a glimmer of hope in its eye stocks next time you want to make first Contact try bringing a fruit basket instead of chains works wonders for interspecies relations as the door closed behind the dejected alien Jane turned to her second in command

with a weary sigh well that was something he grinned you handled it beautifully Captain though I think you might have hurt poor googy's feelings yeah well hurt feelings are better than enslaved planets Jane retorted can you believe the audacity crossing the vastness of space just to offer us a job with really terrible benefits to be fair the dental plan did sound intriguing he quipped Jane rolled her eyes remind me to never let you negotiate with alien diplomats as they made their way to the bridge to report on the bizarre encounter Jane couldn't help but chuckle

you know when I joined the space force I expected a lot of things dog fights with Alien Invaders tense diplomatic negotiations maybe even a little space romance but this turning down a slavery pyramid scheme from a purple octopus that was defin definitely not in the brochure her second in command laughed just wait until we file the report Alien Encounter terminated due to unacceptable benefits package and lack of ergonomic considerations HR is going to have a field day with this one as they reached the bridge alarms suddenly blared to life Jane rushed to her station barking

orders as she went report what's happening a young enen looked up from his console his face pale Captain it's it's glog door's ship they're powering up their Weapons Systems Jane's eyes narrowed as she stared at the view screen watching the alien vessel's ominous glow well well well looks like gloy doesn't take rejection well Shields up Battle Stations as the crew scrambled to their positions Jane allowed herself a small Fierce grin if these aliens thought Humanity would roll over and accept slavery just because they asked nicely they were in for a rude awakening all right folks

she announced to her crew let's show these tentacled tyrants why you don't mess with humanity and someone get me the Cals I've got a few Choice words for our friend gloy about proper business etiquette as the alien ship loomed larger on The View screen Jane grabbed the Comm unit glogg buddy pal she drawled her voice dripping with Fox sweetness I thought we had an understanding you go your way we go ours everyone's happy but here you are ruining a perfectly good Tuesday afternoon the alien's face appeared on screen tentacles writhing in what Jane could only

assume was alien indignation you dare reject our generous offer no species has ever yeah yeah we're special snowflakes I got it Jane interrupted rolling her eyes look calamari breath we tried to do this the nice way but if you want to dance we'll dance as if on Q a barrage of energy blasts erupted from the alien vessel slamming into the shields of Jane's ship the bridge shuttered but held firm rude Jane muttered before shouting return fire let's show these overgrown calamari rings what happens when you try to push Humanity around the human ship's weapons blazed

to life a dazzling display of destructive Firepower that would have made the Fourth of July jealous the alien vessel rocked under the assault its Shields flickering Captain her tactical officer called out their Shields are down to 60% Jane grinned well what do you know looks like our primitive technology Isn't So primitive after all hey gloy on screen glog door's eyes stocks were swiveling wildly this this is impossible your species is barely out of its Stellar cradle yeah well we grew up fast Jane retorted now are you going to turn tail and run or do I

need to introduce you to the business end of our main Cannon as if to emphasize her Point another volley of shots rocked the alien vessel Sparks flew from consoles behind glog door and what sounded suspiciously like alien cursing could be heard in the background you you barbarians glor sputtered we offer you the gift of servitude and this is how you repay us Jane second in command leaned in Whispering I think he genuinely believes he's doing us a favor unbelievable Jane muttered back before addressing glog door again listen here you pontificating pus bucket we don't take

kindly to slavery attempted conquest or really bad sales pitches so here's what's going to happen you're going to turn that fancy ship of yours around go back to wherever you came from and spread the word that Earth is off limits got it glog door's tentacles drooped in defeat and if we refuse Jane's smile was all teeth then we'll be happy to demonstrate why Humanity has a reputation for being stubborn creative and really really good at breaking things we don't like your choice there was a long pause as gloor seemed to consider his options finally the

alien deflated visibly very well we shall take our leave Smart Choice Jane nodded Oh and glgy next time you want to offer someone a job try LinkedIn much less chance of interstellar War as the alien ship retreated its engines glowing as it prepared to jump to faster than light speed a cheer went up from the bridge crew Jane allowed herself a moment to bask in the victory before turning to her second in command well that was fun she said dryly remind me to update our first Contact protocols I think we need a section on what

to do when aliens try to recruit you into a galactic pyramid scheme he laughed I'll get right on that Captain though I have to say your negotiation tactics were unique hey it worked didn't it Jane Shrugged besides I always wanted to use pontificating pus bucket in a sentence now let's get this ship back in order something tells me this isn't the last we've seen of our friends from the stars as the crew set about their tasks Jane couldn't help but smile it had been a weird day sure but they'd faced down an alien threat defended

Earth's freedom and done it all without spilling a single drop of coffee all in all not a bad day's work for Humanity you know she mused to no one in particular I bet the aliens HR department is having a real interesting day right about now reason for Mission failure humans unexpectedly oppose to slavery that's got to be a first as laughter rippled across the bridge Jane settled back into her captain's chair the Stars stretched out before them vast and full of possibility and if any other would be conquerors were out there well Humanity would be

ready after all they had Dental to consider as the excitement on the bridge began to settle Jane's communication officer suddenly perked up captain we're receiving a transmission it's it's not from glog door's ship Jane raised an eyebrow oh more alien telemarketers put it on screen this ought to be good The View screen flickered to life revealing a face that was decidedly human the man on the screen wore an impeccable suit and a smile that could sell ice to an Eskimo greetings Captain Harper the man said smoothly I'm Gerald Worthington CEO of Galactic Enterprises I couldn't

help but overhear your recent negotiation Jane blinked I'm sorry what how did you oh details details Gerald waved dismissively what matters is that I have a proposition for you how would you like to be part of the exciting new multi-level marketing opportunity we're expanding into the alien market and with your negotiation skills you'd be perfect the bridge fell silent Jane stared at the screen her mouth hanging open finally she found her voice let me get this straight we just fought off alien slavers and now a human wants to recruit us into what a cosmic Avon

Gerald's smile never wavered think bigger Captain Galactic Enterprises is poised to revolutionize Interstellar Commerce with our product line of human-made goods will Corner the alien Market in no time Jane pinched the bridge of her nose and what exactly are we selling to these aliens why the wonders of human Ingenuity of course Gerald exclaimed Snuggies ShamWow those little vegetable choppers that wait for it slap and chop the second in command leaned in close to Jane permission to fire Photon Torpedoes Captain tempting Jane muttered before addressing Gerald Mr Worthington while I appreciate your enthusiasm I'm afraid we'll

have to decline we're a bit busy defending Earth from Alien invasions at the moment Gerald's smile faltered for the first time but but think of the potential you could be a diamond level space consultant in no time I think I'll stick with my current job title thanks Jane replied dryly now unless you have any actually useful information about potential alien threats I'm going to have to ask you to stop using our emergency channels for your sales pitch as Gerald opened his mouth to protest Jane made a slashing motion across her throat the communications Officer cut

the transmission well Jane said to the stunned silence on the bridge I guess some things are Universal after all even in space you can't escape multi-level marketing schemes her second in command chuckled what's next alien time share presentations don't even joke about that Jane groaned at this rate I wouldn't be surprised if the next transmission we get is from a martian prince who needs our help transferring his space credits as if on Q the communications panel lit up again the young enen at the station looked up his expression a mix of disbelief and resignation Captain

you're not going to believe this but Jane held up a hand let me guess Nigerian prince the and shook his head close apparently it's a neptunian Duke a collective groan echoed across the bridge Jane slumped in her chair wondering if it was too late to turn in her resignation and open a quiet little cafe on some Backwater Planet you know she mused when they said space was the final frontier I don't think this is what they had in mind her second in command patted her shoulder sympathetically look on the bright side captain at least it's

never boring Jane snorted true all right people let's draft a new protocol from now on any transmission that starts with congratulations or you've been selected go straight into the spam folder I don't care if it's from the president of Earth or the Grand Puba of the Andromeda galaxy as the crew set about their tasks with renewed Vigor and more than a few Chuckles Jane couldn't help but smile sure the universe was vast and full of Wonders but it was also apparently full of beings trying to sell you something some things it seemed truly were Universal

she leaned back in her chair eyes fixed on the star studded expanse before them well Universe She murmured bring it on whatever you've got slave Traders pyramid schemes or interplanetary spam Earth is ready just maybe give us a break for lunch okay even Defenders of Galactic Freedom need a sandwich break now and then with that Captain Jane Harper newly christened Defender against both Alien Invaders and Cosmic Conor artists settled in for whatever the universe decided to throw at them next after all in space no one can hear you scream but they can apparently still try

to sell you a time share as the bridge crew settled into a wary vigilance monitoring for any new transmissions or potential threats Jane second in command approached her chair with a data pad in hand Captain he said his voice a mix of amusement and concern you might want to take a look at this it seems our little encounter with glog door has gone viral Jane raised an eyebrow viral what do you mean he handed her the data pad apparently someone on board recorded your conversation with glog door and uploaded it to galac tube it's got

over a billion views already Jane stared at the screen in disbelief there she was in all her sarcastic Glory telling off an alien slaver with all the Finesse of a bulldozer in a china shop the comment section was a riot of alien and human reactions ranging from cheers of support to outraged huffing from what appeared to be glog door species well Jane said slowly I guess that's one way to announce our presence to the Galaxy think they'll make t-shirts her second in command grinned already happening Captain Earth where alien slavers get served is trending on

Spacebook Jane groaned fantastic I always wanted to be a meme what's next action figures as if on Q the communication panel lit up again the longsuffering enen looked up his expression a mix of confusion and resignation captain we're receiving a transmission from Earth it's a company called Hasbro Jane's head hit the back of her chair with a thud you've got to be kidding me the view screen flickered to life revealing an enthusiastic marketing executive Captain Harper we've seen your Incredible video and we have an amazing opportunity for you how would you like to be the

face of our new action figure line Galactic Defenders Earth's sassy saviors Jane stared at the screen her expression caught between disbelief and hysterical laughter I what the marketing exec continued undeterred picture this a captain Jane Harper action figure complete with witty oneliner sound chip press the button and hear Classics like slave this squidface and I've seen better offers in a spam email the bridge erupted in poorly suppressed laughter Jane's second in command was practically doubled over tears streaming down his face Jane took a deep breath trying to maintain some semblance of professionalism while I appreciate

the offer I'm afraid I'll have to decline we're a bit busy defending Earth from potential alien threats the exec smile never faltered but think of the merchandising potential we could have a whole line the snarky Captain the levelheaded second in command the exasperated Communications officer end transmission Jane said firmly the screen went black leaving the bridge in a moment of stunned silence before laughter broke out again Jane turned to her crew a mix of amusement and exasperation on her face all right listen up new protocol we are not under any circumstances signing any merchandising deals

appearing in commercials or endorsing any products I don't care if it's for action figures breakfast cereals or alien Chia Pets we're here to defend Earth not become the next big thing in Galactic pop culture got it A Chorus of yes Captain rang out punctuated by poorly suppressed Chuckles Jane slumped in her chair rubbing her temples you know when I signed up for this job I thought the biggest challenge would be navigating asteroid fields or negotiating peace treaties nobody mentioned anything about fending off Interstellar marketing departments her second in command finally regaining his composure patted her

shoulder look on the bright side captain at least we're making a good first impression on the Galaxy nothing says don't mess with Earth quite like going viral for SAS talking an alien slaver Jane couldn't help but crack a smile I suppose you're right though I shudder to think what the next Alien Encounter will be like they'll probably expect a standup routine along with the photon Torpedoes as if the universe itself had a sense of humor and terrible timing the ship's sensors began to beep urgently the Tactical officer's eyes widened as he read the incoming data

Captain he called out his voice a mix of excitement and trepidation we're picking up a massive energy signature it looks like it looks like a ship but it's huge like dwarfs a small Moon huge Jane straightened in her chair all traces of humor gone from her face Battle Stations everyone looks like we might have another customer for Earth's special brand of hospitality as the crew rushed to their positions Jane couldn't help but mutter under her breath I swear if this turns out to be the Galaxy's largest door-to-door salesman I'm retiring to become a Hermit on

Mars the massive ship loomed into view on their screen it's Sleek design unlike anything they'd seen before as they watched a transmission began to come through Jane took a a deep breath squaring her shoulders all right folks let's show the Galaxy what Earth is really made of and someone please make sure we're not accidentally live streaming this time the last thing we need is for this to turn into an Intergalactic reality show as the alien transmission began to clear the bridge crew of Earth's first line of defense prepared to face whatever the universe had in

store for them next be it friend foe or overzealous marketing executive The View screen flickered to life revealing a sight that made the entire Bridge crew blink in unison instead of the expected alien Visage they were greeted by what appeared to be a Giant floating brain tendrils of energy pulsed around it and in the center two piercing eyes regarded them with unmistakable intelligence for once Jane found herself at a loss for words the brain creature spoke its voice resonating directly in their minds greetings humans of Earth we are the cerebrands guardians of Galactic knowledge we

have observed your recent interactions with other species Jane cleared her throat trying to regain her composure well that's flattering I hope we put on a good show for you the cabin's eyes narrowed slightly a hint of amusement evident indeed your species pensioned for sarcasm and wit in the face of adversity is intriguing we have come to offer you a choice oh boy Jane muttered under her breath Here We Go Again louder she addressed the cerein a choice let me guess join you or be destroyed become your willing subjects or face Annihilation I've got to say

we're getting a bit tired of these offers to everyone's surprise the cerebrin emitted what could only be described as a mental chuckle nothing so dramatic Captain Harper we offer you knowledge the accumulated wisdom of a thousand galaxies in exchange we ask that you share with us the intricacies of human humor a stunned silence fell over the bridge Jane's second in command leaned in close did did an all powerful alien brain just ask us to explain jokes to it Janee nodded slowly a grin spreading across her face I believe it did she turned back to the

view screen let me get this straight you're offering us the knowledge of the universe in exchange for a comedy Master Class the cerean energy tendrils pulsed in what might have been excitement precisely your species ability to find levity in even the most dire situations is unparalleled we believe this humor of yours may be the key to solving conflicts across the Galaxy Jane couldn't help it she burst out laughing oh this is Rich we've gone from fighting off slavers to becoming the Galaxy's standup comedians all right big brain you've got a deal but I've got to

warn you our jokes don't always translate well the cerean eyes seem to twinkle we are prepared for the challenge Shall We Begin with the concept of knock knock jokes and so in a turn of events that no one could have predicted the crew of Earth's Flagship found themselves conducting an impromptu comedy workshop for an alien super intelligence as Jane explained the intricacies of puns sarcasm and the ever elusive dad joke knowledge of Advanced Technologies and Cosmic Mysteries flowed into the ship's Computers hours passed filled with laughter groans and the occasional confused silence as the cbin

grappled with particularly obscure pop culture references and that Jane said wiping tears of laughter from her eyes is why the chicken crossed the road the cbin was silent for a long moment its energy tendril swirling in deep thought finally it spoke we think we understand the humor lies in the subversion of expectations yes the anticipation of a profound reason only to be met with utter Simplicity Jane nodded grinning you've got it congratulations you now understand about 12% of human humor only about a million more jokes to go as the impromptu cultural exchange continued Jane couldn't

help but Marvel at the absurdity of it all here they were teaching knock-knock jokes to a cosmic brain all in the name of Galactic peace her second in command sidled up to her a bemused expression on his face you know Captain when they said laughter was the best medicine I don't think they meant for the entire universe Jane chuckled shaking her head well it beats the Alternatives we've seen so far I'll take comedy lessons over slave Traders any day as the cbin attempted its first why did the alien cross the asteroid Bel felt joke with

mixed results Jane couldn't help but feel a surge of Pride Humanity might not be the most advanced species in the Galaxy but they were certainly proving to be the most entertaining and in a universe full of dangers slavers and overzealous marketers maybe that was exactly what was needed a species that could laugh in the face of adversity and teach others to do the same all right big brain Jane called out clapping her hands together ready for your next lesson we're moving on to satire but I've got to warn you it's going to get a little

meta as Jane launched into an explanation of satire complete with references to Earth's political landscape and pop culture the sere Bran's energy tendrils pulsed with increasing frequency it was clear the alien intelligence was struggling to keep up with the nuances of human wit so you see Jane concluded satire is like holding up a funh house mirror to society it's exaggerated it's ridiculous and yet it's true enough to make you think the cbin was silent for a long moment its massive form seemingly pulsating with deep thought finally it spoke We believe We grasp the concept allow

us to attempt a satirical observation Jane leaned back in her chair a mix of anticipation and trepidation on her face this ought to be good she muttered to her second in command The cerean Voice resonated in their minds once more observe is it not amusing that a species capable of splitting the atom still finds entertainment in watching felines on your internet perhaps the true measure of intelligence is not technological advancement but the ability to appreciate the simple joy of a cat video the bridge fell silent for a beat before erupting into laughter Jane wiped a

tear from her eye genuinely impressed well I'll be damned the big brains got jokes the cerean eyes seem to twinkle with pride we are pleased our attempt at humor was successful however we must confess confusion over one aspect of human comedy what is the significance of this banana peel we keep encountering in your slapstick references Jane opened her mouth to explain then paused a mischievous glint in her eye you know what I think this calls for a practical demonstration who's up for a little performance art her second in command groaned captain please tell me you're

not thinking what I think you're thinking oh I absolutely am Jane grinned already heading for the ship's Galley someone get me a banana and a camera we're about to give the cbin a crash course in physical comedy what follows was a series of increasingly elaborate Pratt Falls each met with confused Silence from the cbin and stifled Giggles from the crew Jane slipped on banana peels walked into bulkheads and even attempted a spectacular pie in the face gag with mixed results in a very messy Bridge as Jane picked whipped cream out of her hair the cerein

finally spoke we believe we understand the humor derives from The Unexpected physical Misfortune of others combined with the inherent absurdity of the situations fascin fasinating glad you enjoyed the show Jane said attempting to maintain her dignity while covered in pie filling any other aspects of human humor you'd like us to demonstrate maybe we could explain puns next I've got a few that are out of this world the cabin's energy tendril suddenly pulsed rapidly its massive form shimmering with what could only be described as excitement Captain Harper We believe We have had a breakthrough your species's

ability to find humor in all situations even potential Cosmic threats is not just entertainment it's a survival mechanism Jane blinked caught off guard by the sudden Shift come again don't you see the cerebrin continued its mental voice brimming with enthusiasm your humor allows you to process and cope with the unknown to face adversity with a smile it's not just a cultural Quirk it's an evolutionary Advantage the bridge fell silent as the implications sank in Jane's second in command whistled low so you're saying our bad jokes might actually save the Galaxy the cerean eyes seemed to

smile indeed we believe that by spreading humor throughout the cosmos we may be able to Foster understanding between species diffuse conflicts and perhaps even prevent Intergalactic Wars Jane leaned back in her chair a slow grin spreading across her face well I'll be damned when I joined the space force I never thought I'd end up being a cosmic comedian but if it means saving the Galaxy I guess I can take a few more pies to the face as the crew began excitedly discussing the implications of their Newfound Galactic purpose Jane couldn't help but chuckle to herself

they had set out to defend Earth and somehow ended up with the loftiest mission of all teaching the universe to laugh all right everyone she called out clapping her hands to get attention new Mission parameters we're not just explorers anymore we're not just Defenders we are now officially the Galaxy's Jesters our prime directive make the cosmos crack up as cheers erupted across the bridge Jane turned back to the sahran a twinkle in her eye so big brain ready for your next lesson I think it's time we introduced you to the art of the dad joke

brace yourself it's about to get gloriously groan worthy in here and so as the massive cerean ship and the comparatively tiny Earth vessel drifted together in the vast expanse of space a new chapter in Galactic history began one filled with laughter groans and the occasional pie to the face after all in a universe full of Wonders and Terrors Sometimes the best defense is a good punchline