How to Stand Up for Yourself

here's a hard truth if you don't advocate for yourself nobody will and if you don't assert your needs let's face it you will get walked over every single time at the end of today's episode you're not going to have to worry about it we're talking how to stand up for yourself welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything if you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication I'm going to ask you to please follow this podcast and if you would leave a review

if you have any topic suggestions or feedback just throw them in the comments the first thing to know about standing up for yourself is knowing when to do it because number one not everybody's worth getting out of your chair for it is a know your worth mentality and we're going to talk exactly where you need to go in your mind leading up to these conversations number two get rid of the verbal disclaimers these are little statements you say before you say what you need to say like hey I'm I'm sorry but I I I just

feel like maybe we're going to talk about getting rid of those and how to do it number three stop justifying the nose stop having to feel like you need to explain yourself on and on just because you turn somebody down when you do that it takes away slowly from your self-confidence and I don't want to see that now maybe nobody's told you this but just because somebody has said something does not mean that it requires a response from from you just because they throw a pitch doesn't mean you have to swing You Just Let It

Go by there's this idea in our head that because somebody gave us an opinion we have to give an opinion back that's just not true when it comes to standing up for yourself it is often the person that is not worth your time that you don't need to give attention to and often that's the exact opposite of what we do we find ourselves trying to justify and explain to people that do not matter in our life the people that that rank low in our priority list but yet we we feel like we have to prove

something to them every single time that we talk eliminate that concern when people play chess it's expected that you're going to take a pawn nobody freaks out about it nobody loses their mind when somebody takes a pawn because they know the value is not the PA they can take a rook okay they want to take a queen that's different understand that there's going to be lots of different conflicts in your in your life lots of different conversations they are not all the same the the feeling you get by talking with certain people those friendships uh

where they rank in relationship to you they're not all the same so what I want you to understand is stop attending every argument that you're invited to just because that somebody gave an opinion and said something to you you had the choice of just letting it go saying that is not require any response from me that is not worth my time that's why I say it's a no your worth mentality before you stand up for yourself and feel like you have to say something ask the question is this person worth getting out of my chair

for is this somebody that actually needs part of my energy because there is a strength and a wisdom in conserving your energy in protecting your peace so the next time that happens I want you to go through that filter and ask yourself is this person worth getting out of my chair for because I I know my worth and please understand that goes for anything that they say just because they spew out garbage does not mean we're in the business of picking up trash let me say that again just because they spew out garbage does not

mean that you're in the business of picking up trash you can politely tell them where it should go and it's not going to be on you so understand that part of protecting your peace is understanding I know what they're saying is not worth my time I'm going to take it and set it aside personally what I do in my my own life is I have a waste basket all right I have a trash um bag right next to me in my mind and if somebody says something I don't like rather than me feeling like I

have to throw it back to them I have to pick up that trash that gross nasty thing that they said and give it right back to them I just take it and I move it over and put it in the trash you can say say like a at a computer or a laptop you just get it you drag it over and you put it in in the recycling bin and then you delete it you don't have to worry about it you don't have to carry it so understand just because they throw out garbage at you

does not mean that you're in the business of picking up trash when you have to advocate for yourself part of that mindset is knowing how to go into it too often there is the hesitancy to say what you need to say we treat like it's a I don't know what do they have like the coal plunge or a pool that's filled with cold water if you tiptoe into it it's much worse when you don't say what you need to say right out of the gate and instead you slowly walk into it with these little disclaimers

what I call them this sounds like hey um you know I've just been I I just feel like I need to say this I guess it's and maybe I'm talking out of pocket here but you heard that youever said that before where you say ah yeah I mean listen I'm I'm sorry but but maybe you know I I'm just feeling more like you are trying to hesitate saying what you need to say like you want to smooth it over you want to hedge to make sure nobody feels like you're being too direct with it but

when it comes to asserting yourself when it comes to stating your needs nobody's going to do it for you remember you're the one that has to be bold and out in the open with it so think of it as that cold swimming pool if you walk right into it it's going to not feel great it's not going to look smooth it's not going to feel smooth you either have two choices you don't say it at all or you jump right in when you see people doing that coal plunge they don't walk right into it they

don't slowly go into it they put their whole body into it so I want you to get used to that idea of I'm going to put my whole body into this thing if I have something to say I'm going to say it I'm not going to feel like I have to apolog olog for it I'm not going to feel like I have to be hesitant and hedged the whole time if it is something that is on your heart and it is something that is truly asserting your needs in your life you have one chance one

life and this is it right here for you to be able to State your peace assert your needs and say what you need to say now another part of this is often when it comes to standing up for yourself it happens in moments where you need to say no to something you need to turn something down maybe somebody's invited you to something you got offered something and you need to say no but you don't know how to say it and you're just not sure you can Advocate that you need to say no now we're going

to talk later in this podcast about how to say no to certain things how to decline something and still be respectful uh how to disagree and still be respectful about it and those little bitty specific scenarios here this is the point I'm making of that there are times when you have to say something and they need to hear you say no and there's a difference between saying no because after the end of it using that word because to justify it and just saying no for example let's say you ask me a question and I just

said no no versus no because you know I have that thing that we talked about and you know I I got to make sure that I take care of this and it's just been really busy lately I've just been so stressed you know and so well I have that other thing you know you see how it's much weaker all of a sudden I I've added three more sentences after the no and I've slowly watered down the place that I need to assert my needs if I need to say no to something I need to say

no so eliminate that habit of always saying no because it's just know and if they need to ask other questions they're free to ask other questions and you're free to say no again I want you to feel empowered all right on this idea of just because they ask me something does not mean I have to give them something just because they told me something does not mean I have to have an answer for something standing up for yourself means that you are in complete peace with who you are and your presence in the conversation and

you know your worth wherever you are in that conversation or if there should be a conversation at all so when you need to say no to something step into that don't go with these little verbal disclaimers you say no to it you don't say because an add-on a verbal um it's like the opposite of a verbal disclaimer you add in everything afterwards no because I'm just feeling X Y and Z you don't need that the word is no period what lots of people like to say and what I support is no is a complete sentence

all right we're my favorite part of the podcast and that is when I get to answer a question from a follower I have a Weekly Newsletter where I send a communication tip right to your inbox once a week and for those that are on the newsletter they're able to ask me questions and I'm able to answer them and I find a lot of joy in that if you want to sign up there is a link there in the show notes so I'm going to grab this real quick this one I have this is from Carly

Carly's in New York now I have been to New York City like twice but mostly The Tourist stuff I don't really know New York all that well and geography isn't my strong suit but that's for another podcast episode Carly says Hey jeffon thank you so much for your content thanks Carly I have a scenario that I need help with whenever I say no to things I always get the question why or why not and I don't know how to respond to it I don't want to be rude thank you so much Carly that's a very

good question and I understand that idea of not wanting to sound rude or disrespect respectful when somebody's asking for a justification right sometimes when you say no they first question out of their mouth is why why not and they're really not entitled to that information right they they uh they don't need that information that's personal that you don't want to give that you just know you want to say no to it here's some responses that I like to use and I encourage you to try some out on your own the first one would be I

like to say because it's not what's best for me right now pure and simple because it's not what's best for me right now the reason I like that response so much is because I'm using the keyword what's best for me and nobody can really argue with that because they want if they like you and they mean something to you they should want the best for you too Carly so if I use the phrase and you use the phrase that you say no to somebody and they go why not you go ah because it's not what's

best for me right now boom done end another one that I like to use is it's outside my focus right now it's outside my focus in other words it's me telling them it's not really on my radar right now it's not high up on my priority list it's outside my focus another that I like to use I know I'm just kind of uh rolling with these is I need to make another choice because I need to make another choice I need to make a different Choice easy as that as long as you say it light-hearted

and you stay step into it rather than going uh I mean I guess uh I just um you know maybe it's just not what's best for me right now you know what I mean whenever you go that way uh it's going to tank it it's going to make it you see how you're watering it down like we talked about in the podcast step out in front of it I need to make another choice I need to make a different choice because it's not what's best for me right now so try those out Carly and I

think the next time you use them you're get you're going to feel like a thousand times better and you're going to feel like you can stand up for yourself and I'm really excited about it thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast if you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication and if you enjoyed this podcast I'm going to ask you to please follow it and as always if you would just leave a review it really does matter I read them I look at them I'm the one that likes them and hearts them so

I really uh take them personally I really really appreciate you listening and and as I always in the podcast you should try that or follow me