If Google Was A Guy (Full Series)

- Next. (upbeat music) Hello, there. - Is today tomorrow New Zealand?

- Yes. - Foot same length Europe? - What?

- Inch same length Europe. - Gmail. com.

- Oh, god. - What is bitcoin? - Butt hole!

(laughs) Gross fat butt hole dick poop. - Is that what kids are into these days? (boy giggling) Are your parents home?

- Miss Pippi. - You mean Mississippi? Hey, I'm not a dictionary.

- My grandson Nathan. - Song that goes ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪ ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪ ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪ ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪ ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪ - Girls' college. - Oh, um.

- Sort of right, college girls. Nude. (Google sighs) - Really?

- Patrick Cassels. Pat Cassels. Pat Cassels, funny.

- Bitcoin market value. - Weed amount legal NYC. - Patrick Cassels, funny writer, CollegeHumor.

- Are you gonna do this all day? - What is prime meridian? - Heg hog cute!

- Do you mean hedgehog? - Heg hog cute! - God, do you mean hedge-- - Hedgehogs cute!

- Adderall, max dose. - Yeah. - Adderall, max dose, 165-pound man?

- Okay. - Adderall, max dose, 165-pound man, 20 years old? Adderall overdose signs!

- Download Firefox. - Ever heard of Chrome? - How to buy bitcoin?

- Titanic drawing. - "Titanic" movie drawing. - Um.

- "Titanic" movie drawing scene. Kate Winslet tits. Round two.

- Facebook. com, my grandson Nathan. - No.

- Dexter based on real? - Free hamster. - Unbuy bitcoin.

- Boston bomber. - It's a real tragedy. - Cute one.

- Oh fucking shit! Next! I said next!

(upbeat music) - Why am I a length? - Okay. - Cream cheese is cheese?

- Wait, do you still wanna know-- - Avocado pit huge, why? - Okay, don't speak in these weird haikus. - How to tell if pregnant?

- Oh boy. - How to tell if-- - Tell if pregnant? - Jennifer!

- Local mosque Seattle. - NSA, don't mind me. - How to pronounce dough ga coin.

- According to Google Maps, there's a number-- - Security. - Can you please? - Not blackmail.

- Just. - Oh, 'scuse me. - Oh no, no, come on in.

Today is Jackson Pollock's birthday, so we're, uh, celebrating his particular style of painting. - Why farts smell? - One of the most important painters of all time and you wanna know why farts smell, so there you go.

- Flight to Washington. - Bank transfer all money to Dogecoin how? - Okay, Glass.

(Google snickers) Search avoid being bullied for wearing Google Glass. (Google laughing) - Flight to Washington state. - I knew you made that mistake.

- F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F. - I think your F key is stuck! F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F.

- Why longitude shaped like a orange slice? - [Man In T-Shirt] You're so wrong, dumb ass! - We'll see.

Groundhogs Day or Groundhog Day? - Groundhog Day. - Oh!

Haircut place, bowl cut. - Terror pictures. - Oh, uh.

- Oh, sorry, terrier pictures. - Oh. (laughs) Okay.

(woman squeals) (woman laughs) Hey man, let me do my job, all right? - Fuck you! - Can sue for screen door injured?

- Where to buy pet Russian dolphin? - Why do my farts smell? - Tent.

- Doing a little camping, huh? - Tentacle hentai. - Oh, come on!

(uplifting music) - Open for business, everyone! Come on in, it's awesome in here. Soon, they'll come soon.

(chuckles) - Next! Next, come on! (upbeat music) - What up, Google?

- [Google] Oh, god. - Eclectic outlets look surprised, why? - Because-- - Millipedes 10 times faster than centipedes?

Baby powder made out of babies? - You know that it's not. Well, hello there young man.

- Big booty Puerto Rican goddess. (Google inhales) - Taxes have to pay why? - What is YOLO?

- Is that your kid's phone? - Is YOLO a drug? - Siri, how big is the Serengeti?

- Yeah, I, I should just-- - No problem. Show me pictures of spaghetti. - No, that's not what she asked for.

Your search for (speaking gibberish) returned no results. (cat meows) - Vaccines cause autism. - Well, I have one million results that say they don't and one result that says they do.

- I knew it. - Just because I have it doesn't mean it's true! - 300 pound beautiful Indian princess.

- What's a surf boar? - Do you mean surfboard? - No, surf boar.

- Oh. - Do dead people pay taxes? - How do I get to the deep web?

- Follow me. (lights crackling) - Google? - You're here.

- Google. com. - That is me.

- Google. com website. - Heh?

- Finally. - How make people think you die? - Sonic the Hedgehog pics.

- The old Sega video game? - Safe search off. - Oh, what have you done?

- How big is the Serengeti? - More pictures of spaghetti. - How big is the Serengeti?

- How big is the Serengeti? - More pictures of spaghetti. - That is not what she asked for!

- How big is the Serengeti? - That is not what she asked for! - How big is the Serengeti!

- Why do Asian-- - Have small noses, wear face mask, have small eyes, have small penises-- - Pandas have trouble mating in captivity? Jesus. - It's not me, it's them.

- Where to buy lifelike bearded mannequin? - Sorry, I don't see spaghetti in your contacts. (Google yelling gibberish) - Biggest, sexiest woman in all of Iraq.

- Difference between human body and a mannequin. - Oh, my god. Clear history.

(flame hissing) - All right, Sugar Ray, ironically cool yet? - I'm sorry. (chuckles) - Bummer.

Big booty Puerto Rican goddess. - Hi. (upbeat music) Just gotta send an email, then I'll be right with you, okay?

Oh, you again. - Is hula hoop a sport? - Uh, I don't think-- - Can owls walk?

- Can owls walk? - Is Dilbert Jewish? - Recipe using only crackers.

- Facebook. - (sighs) Lazy. - Direction to downtown.

- Well, it's gonna be 35 minutes unless you use ways. - Get off the highway, now, now, now! - Selena Gomez-- - Gomez feet.

- Taylor Swift-- - Swift feet. - Katy Perry-- - Perry feet. - What is wrong with people?

- What happens if plant sesame seed? - Oriental rug politically correct? - How to become astronaut?

- Bad news. - Mm, how to work for NASA. - Sorry.

- Hmm, planetarium jobs? - Nope. - Planetarium volunteers?

- Mm-mm. - (sighs) Help wanted laser tag. - Now we're talking.

- Dad from "The Nanny" dead? - Now cut across four lanes of traffic! - Mayonnaise as butter substitute.

(Google gags) - Facebook. - You know, you could just. (sighs) - Google Wave, what happened?

- We killed it. - Google Glass, what happened? - We killed it.

- Google car-- - Oh, oh, oh, oh no, that, that, that, that, this is gonna be amazing actually. - Okay to drink expired milk? - No!

- What happens if drank expired milk? - Oh, my god, why did you ask me in the first place? - Paul Walker car crash.

- Really sad. - Pics. - Red light cameras everywhere.

- You're freaking him out. - Racist if only like California rolls? - Age of consent, California.

- Facebook. - It is right there! You could just!

Stupid. (grunts) That is it for the day. Mm.

- Google's down! - Down! (sirens blaring) - Dad from "The Nanny.

" - Dead? - Seriously? (upbeat music) - Oh, god.

Hey, let's go! (Google whistles) - Ha, let's do this! - Oh, not again.

- Can you keep a duck? What are the newest shapes? - What are you gonna do with this information?

- Is Superman circumcised? - Are dentists more afraid of you? - No, in fact this one killed a lion.

- Hot hands and feet. - Is this salt or sugar? - Is what salt or sugar?

- Sistine Chapel, how old Michelangelo? - 33. - Moon landing, how old Neil Armstrong?

- 38. - Became President, how old Barack Obama? - 47.

- Still got three years! - Upload these photos of my nephew. - You know, you might consider uploading these to Google+, it's a lot like Facebook meets Google.

It's really starting to take off. - Oh, uh, great, mm-hmm, I'll, I'll check it out. - Can kangaroo be milked.

- Is it your or you're? - In what context? Not only is it awesome, but it's also free for you and for all your friends.

- I just wanna watch Minecraft videos. - Who else is British? - Sensitive tongue?

- Climate change is not real. (box thuds) - Climate change is real. - Climate change is not real.

- Fine. - Thank you! - Get out of here.

- Anna Kendrick boyfriend? - You really think you have a chance? - Sweating behind the ears.

- If you're worried, go see a doctor. - Is left shark still funny? - Is the internet working?

- I want you to think about this for a second. - Do a barrel roll. - No, don't type that, don't!

(man in striped shirt laughs) No, why would you type that? Grab onto something! (yells) (Google gasping) (logo beeps) - Hot hands and feet.

- Cancer.