The Dark Side of Influence

Margaery Tyrrell might be the most underrated player in Game of Thrones and it's a shame that she meets her end so early, at least in the show, because more than any other character that I've covered here on the channel, she has the most to teach you about how to behave in the real world beginning with Margaery first incredible talent — her ability to build rapport with anyone, maybe, except Cersei. She has a number of incredibly effective strategies and the first and fastest is by physically putting herself on your side with her body language. Watch how she moves nearer to Joffrey's side in this next clip as she begins to win him over.

A military encampment is no place for a lady. And the bedside of a traitor? Is that a place for a lady?

I don't believe he was interested in the company of women. What makes you say this? Wh.

. . Whenever I wanted to make a child with him, he.

. . he had so many excuses — so many late-night war councils.

This is in stark contrast to Tywin who I covered in last week's video because Tywin's strategy is to overpower you. He stands directly in front and hovers over people in order to intimidate them. This says that, "We are not on the same side.

You answer to me. " Just watch. .

. . so if I wanted to attend a council meeting, I would now have to climb all the stairs in the Tower of the Hand?

We could arrange to have you carried. Margaery, on the other hand, prefers to stand next to someone because it allows her to get much closer without making the other person feel that she's invading their personal space. And that's because, at least in Western culture, our personal space bubbles extend far more out in front of us than they do to either side.

So keep this in mind if you find yourself in a crowded restaurant, bar, or a club where you're forced into close quarters — facing someone head-on is likely to feel a bit too close and potentially threatening while standing shoulder to shoulder or at an angle is likely to make the other person feel much more at ease at least while you're getting to know one another. Now, once Margaery is on your side, she creates a lot of physical contact. Her mannerisms are definitely more suited to a woman than a man but the principle of signaling warmth through affectionate touches does hold true even though for men, it might be something more like a handshake instead.

Margaery is also an expert at getting people to talk about the things that they care about. With Joffrey in particular, this was a strategy that won him over. I just had it made — probably one of the finest weapons in the Seven Kingdoms.

It's beautiful. Will you show me how it works? It's a new design — much easier to load.

There's no crank. You use this lever— Both men and women love to be asked about the things that they love especially when they're in rapport but they tend to like to be asked about different types of things. Now this is a generalization and it certainly doesn't apply to every individual but men often like to be asked how something works whether it's a crossbow, a car, or a business.

Men tend to connect through problem-solving so when a guy feels like he can help you fix something or learn something new, it often makes him feel really good. Women, on the other hand, tend to connect by sharing their emotional experience of an event — this is why couples can sometimes run into issues in their approach to problems. Men, like myself for sure, want to figure out what is wrong and solve the problem while women sometimes just want to share an experience they had without necessarily trying to change it.

Again, those are wide generalizations but I digress. Once Margaery has people talking, she doesn't just pepper them with interview-style questions non-stop. She indicates, sometimes falsely, that she genuinely cares about their opinion like here with Joffrey.

Maybe the fault was with me. Mayb— No, he was a known. .

. degenerate. It's such a relief to hear you say so, Your Grace.

And in the case of Tommen, she says that she wants to know everything about him while smiling and holding eye contact. I just want you all for myself. I want to know everything there is to know about King Tommen, first of his name.

This is a great example of active listening and it is huge for building rapport even though it's often overlooked. Even with the best active listening skills in the world, some people will still be reluctant to open up if they have to go first. They may have been burned in the past with someone who they couldn't trust like in this situation with Sansa.

What did you pray for? I can't tell you. Why not?

I'll tell you what I prayed for in the Sept this morning — let's see. . .

for my family's health and happiness, put an end to the war, for a short winter. . .

boring and traditional, I'm afraid. And you? I'm sorry, I just.

. . can't.

In those cases, Margaery knows that rather than simply pushing, the best way to invite a reluctant person to share something vulnerable is to do so yourself first. My cousin, Allana, was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. When I was 12, I was all elbows and knees and Allana looked like a goddess sent to torture me.

Pig Face, she calls me. (Laughs) Pig Face? Well, that's ridiculous.

I think it had something to do with my nose. Whenever she passed me in the halls, she'd oink. (Oinks) All this rapport-building inevitably gets Sansa to trust Margaery.

It's kind of like, "I'll show you my scar if you show me yours. " People just feel the need to reciprocate when someone that they like has become vulnerable with them. So Margaery becomes one of the few people in King's Landing that Sansa confides in with her true feelings.

All the candles burning in all those windows. I'm stupid. .

. stupid little girl with stupid dreams who never learns. Come on.

When people begin to reveal their honest feelings, Margaery really listens because she wants to know what makes them tick. Now I do believe that Margaery is a kind-hearted character but that doesn't stop her from manipulating people especially Joffrey and Sansa. So when she gets them to this point, she moves into the second phase which is expressing heartfelt understanding — she empathizes with your feelings.

Watch here how she understands Joffrey and then mirrors his sentiments right back at him better than he could even say them himself. I imagine it must be so exciting to squeeze your finger here and watch something die over there. Could you do it?

Sometimes severity is the price we pay for greatness. I couldn't agree more. Let me be clear — empathy does not mean that you agree with another person.

It means that you can simply see the world through their eyes for one moment which is exactly what Margaery is able to do with Joffrey, twisted as he is. People often resist expressing empathy because they think it means accepting everything that someone else believes about the world — it doesn't. Actually, it puts you in one of the best positions to influence and change another person's behavior.

This technique is called Pacing and Leading and it is very powerful. Now, obviously stating the worldview like Margaery did before with Joffrey is a strong empathetic move but there are more subtle ones like mirroring back how they must have felt after they've told a story. .

. . Joffrey didn't like it.

He threatened to skin him alive and mix his innards up in my food so I wouldn't know I was eating him. That's very cruel. Or sharing that you've experienced a similar embarrassing situation to the one that they've just found themselves in.

All of these tents look the same to me. If you could be so kind to— That would be my pleasure. It took me weeks to learn my way around the camp.

Twice, I walked in on successive stages of undress and the moment that I know which tent is mine, then they would move again. And sometimes it's just as simple as saying the words, "I understand," while looking someone in the eyes. Sometimes it feels odd.

I'm the king. I've married the most beautiful woman in the world. And it's all because my brother died.

I understand. Now this isn't just some cheap parlor trick. Obviously, you can manipulate people with this — you can fake like you understand and empathize with them but if you really want to get the most out of this for your own life, you do have to step into their shoes and that doesn't mean imagining, simply, "How would I feel in their circumstances?

" It means thinking, "How would I feel in their circumstances if I believed everything that they believed, if I had every single past experience that they had, and if I was them? " It's not about changing how they feel they're making them wrong but truly trying to step to their emotional experience. And once you've done that and you've paced someone else's reality with expressions of empathy and they're feeling understood, then you can lead them with much less resistance.

So just watch this scene to see Margaery's crowning moment when she wins over Joffrey and gets him to willingly do something that he's never done before. Should we go and see them? If you give them your love, they will return it a thousandfold.

I've spoken with them. I know how they feel about you. You led the defense of King's Landing.

They adore you. Open the doors. Like I said, I believe this was Margaery's crowning achievement in persuasion but it didn't stop her from suddenly leading Joffrey before this moment.

While not quite as effective as Pacing and Leading, giving someone a reputation that they'd like to live up to can be very powerful. A simple way to do that is by taking relatively small indications of kindness as reflective of someone's good character. Notice how Margaery praises Joffrey's consideration and thoughtfulness for relatively minor courtesies.

Should I have them bring you a shoal, my lady? I'm touched by your concern, Your Grace. I'm leaving on a hunting trip.

I. . .

just wanted to make sure you had everything you need before I left. That's very thoughtful, Your Grace. To make this even more effective, don't just praise the act — praise the person themselves saying instead, "Wow, YOU are so thoughtful.

" The same principle can be used to influence people when you don't have much time. For instance, this week, I found myself speaking to a customer service agent after her moving company had basically delayed my furniture for arriving at my new apartment by about two weeks meaning that I was going to have to sleep on the ground for 14 days and it was apparently something that this company had a habit of doing because while I was on the phone, I could hear another customer service agent in the background being screamed at by a customer. Now it was obvious that the woman that I was speaking to wanted to get me off the phone as quickly as possible as she had a lot to do but I was able to flip things with a quick moment of pacing and leading her with the reputation that she'd like to have so I said, "You know, it sounds like you must have to deal with a lot of these kinds of messes that other people just dumped on you all day, right?

" And she said, "Yeah, you know, sometimes our agents promise things that aren't actually the case and it falls to us to deal with it. " I said, "Well, I just wanted to thank you for cleaning up after someone else's mistake and I really do appreciate that you're doing your best to help me get my things quickly. " After that, she gave me so much more time on the phone, she made a personal call to the movers, and now I have my furniture after five days instead of 14 so don't underestimate how quickly this stuff can work.

Also, I should mention that if you're interested in more real life applications of this stuff, you might want to check out my course, Charisma University. I try to keep the YouTube channel very clickable with tons of pop-culture references but if you are more interested in the step-by-step guide to boosting your charisma and your confidence in real life scenarios like coffee shops, work, parties — not court in King's Landing — whatever it is, Charisma University is the best program that I've ever put together for that so if you're interested, there's a link in the description and in the upper right hand corner now. To review what we have learned from Margery though, first, you need to build rapport — you can't skip this step because if you can get people to open up about the things they care about, you'll know that you've done a good job — you're in rapport.

Second, you want to make sure that you've learned enough about the other person to empathize — to truly understand how they see the world. And if you can get them talking and mirror their worldview back to them, now you're in a position to begin the third piece which is to lead them. Now that they feel understood, they're going to be much more likely to follow along and that is what made Margaery so effective at moving some of the most powerful players in the game but I do need to add one last piece which is don't piss Cersei off and let her live because she's going to do everything in her power including burning the city to the ground to make you pay.

Like I said at the beginning, the interesting thing about Margaery is that when it comes to making a great impression, she is the single best Game of Thrones example of how to behave in the real world so if you want to know what she does well and what she's actually missing that I would recommend including, I've set up another video that will show you four steps to make an incredible first impression in any situation. Margaery gets a solid three out of four here but if you want to discover everything that she does well plus what she's missing, just go ahead and click the button now to do so. It's going to take you to a page where you can drop your email and then watch that video to start using those four steps today.

If you liked this video, you might want to subscribe to the channel. I'm going to have more Game of Thrones breakdowns as well as real-life celebrity breakdowns and answers to your questions in how to be more charismatic and confident so if you want to make sure that you don't miss those, click the button and the notification bell. I hope that you enjoyed this video and I will see you in the next one.