How to Stop Depressive Rumination: Overthinking Part 3 Stop Dwelling on the Past

Seneca said, "We suffer more in  imagination than in reality," and that is often the case with a very specific  type of overthinking: depressive rumination. Depressive rumination is a type of overthinking  where you create the habit of dwelling on the past. You rehash all of the terrible things you  can think of over and over and over.

Uh depressive rumination says, "Oh, why is my life so awful? " or  "Why am I such a failure? Or "Why can't I ever be happy?

" I had one 23-year-old client who we'll  call Ivan, and his girlfriend broke up with him and he just kept dwelling on it over and over.  Years later he'd say, "Oh, why couldn't I make that relationship work? Why couldn't I be better? 

I'm never gonna find someone to love me. What's the matter with me? Why am I such a screw-up?

"  Now, rumination is like ruts in a road; whenever you're not paying attention, you slip back into  thinking about all of your regrets and trying to analyze the situation to figure it out, but  then you spin your wheels and you think and you think and you never get anywhere. One of my other  clients, Elena, she constantly dwelt in the past. She'd say, "Why did I buy that car?

I am such an  idiot," or she'd say, "Oh, why am I so depressed? " and then she'd worry about it for hours every day  for months. But she didn't just dwell in the past; she projected it into the future.

So in  session she'd say, "Oh, what if I never get better? " and then she'd analyze that. Now, another  type of rumination is dwelling on how you were mistreated.

You know, maybe your dad shamed you  when you came out to him as gay or your boss threw you under the bus at work or your lover ghosted  you/ And and you spend hours of your day wondering why they did that, alternating between resentment  towards them and wondering if it was your fault. Rumination might also look like fantasizing about  how your life could have been better if you had done things differently. You might believe that  thinking about your problems a lot may help you solve them, but here's the thing: in the long  run, rumination can make you pretty miserable.

In every quiet moment you find yourself drawn to  dwelling on your mistakes, your your failings, the disappointments, and the let-downs. And the more  time you spend in those ruts, the deeper they get, and then pretty soon it feels like your whole  world is dark. And and not only do you feel depressed, discouraged, or hopeless, those dark  thoughts start to feel like the truth, you know.

Dwelling on depressive things becomes your  new comfort zone, and and being out of them feels awkward and weird, and and hope and  light just feel like some figments of some distant imagination. But even though rumination  makes you depressed and unmotivated, you keep doing it for some reason. Right?

Be honest with  yourself; it rewards you. Like maybe when you do it you feel like you're righteously punishing  yourself. Or maybe you feel like if you just think about the bad stuff more you could prevent  it.

Maybe it's an attempt to regain control over something that you have no control over,  which is the past. Right? Be honest with yourself for a minute.

Do you feel a sense of pleasure in  doing it for a moment? Do you get some validation wallowing in how bad you are or how bad someone  else is? Doesn't it feel just a little bit good to remind yourself that you're a complete  failure and there's nothing you can do about it?

I get it that, like, this doesn't work and it  doesn't feel good, but you have to admit it's a little bit rewarding sometimes. Now, once when  I was in grad school, I'd been on a handful of dates with this guy, uh let's call him Alexander,  and then things didn't go anywhere after that. And about six months later I'm visiting my parents on  Christmas Day, and guess who knocks on the door?

Alex. Now, I had no idea he was coming,  and I was pretty surprised to see him. Uh my parents were like uh wondering if there was  something going on that they didn't know about.

It was kind of weird. But we found a quiet place  to catch up on life. And we talked for a bit, and he said, "You know, I really wish we had tried  to see if this relationship would work.

" He said, "I really regret that we didn't keep dating. " Um  now just to clarify, I didn't break up with him or anything. Like, we just were never exclusive. 

We just never took it any further. So I basically replied, "There's no reason we can't try dating  again. We're both single.

I'm willing. Let's give it a shot. " And then he got super awkward and  said something about needing to go fix his car, and basically that was the end of it.

Now, for  all I know he had a dozen reasons why he didn't want to date me. Like, that's cool, right? But  if we take it at face value, what he said is the essence of depressive rumination.

It's this  whole idea of thinking a lot about your regrets and then never doing anything about them when you  do have the chance. Like, I I don't blame him; he was he was probably just still gaining those  relationship skills like like we all have to do in our life. But this concept of like, "Oh, I'm gonna  think about and talk about all the things I regret but not do anything about them" prevented him from  being able to connect on a deeper level or or form a more meaningful relationship.

And I think this  is the type of thinking that's disordered. Right? So now now, I get it, right?

When when you're  depressed, it's super hard to get motivated. It's super hard to get yourself to take action and to  make change happen. Uh it's hard to have hope that things would ever work out.

Like, I get that. But  we at least have to get honest about the futility of thinking this way. We have to be honest  that this type of thinking is self-deception.

It's distorted. Your thoughts are lying to  you. They feel super real, but they're lies.

So these regrets and this distress, this feeling  of "Oh, nothing is ever going to work," it's just, it's just not true. And and what we pay attention  to, we get more of. Our brain literally makes more pathways for the things we pay attention to. 

So if we constantly pay attention to regrets, we get more regrets, not less. If we constantly  pay attention to what we don't have enough of, our brain makes more pathways to pay attention  to scarcity. The more you think about something, the deeper the grooves it creates in your brain,  making it easier for you to think that way in the future.

And if it's negative or unhelpful  thinking, then that's a hard cycle to get out of. So let's talk about how to stop ruminating. And  and real quick, let me mention that this video is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Back to how to stop  rumination. Let's start by making these thoughts super obvious. You can't change the things that  you aren't aware of.

So it could help to ask someone to point out when you're ruminating or to  use a mindfulness timer, like Insight Timer app, to check in with your thoughts throughout the  day. Where do you ruminate? What time of day do you ruminate?

What type of triggers set you off?  Uh write down your common ruminations, and hang it on the wall so that when you start down that path  you can catch yourself. Now that you're noticing that you're doing it, you can start to replace  rumination with these with these five rules.

All right. Rule number one is no "why" questions.  So ask "what" questions instead.

So instead of Elena asking, "Why am I so depressed? " she can  ask, "Oh, what is one small change that I can make to be healthier? " And she could choose to go for  a short walk every day.

Instead of saying, "Oh, why can't I make a relationship work? " uh  Ivan could say, "Oh, what's one relationship skill I can learn? " And maybe he needs to  learn to set boundaries.

Right? And and so basically shifting from "why" to "what" can help  convert rumination into action. Rule number two: no vague statements or over-generalizations.

So  Elena used to say, "I never make good purchases. I am such an idiot. " Right?

So these broad  categorizations and labels of herself. So instead, choose one specific event, like, "Oh, I should not  have bought the car from that dealer who pressured me. Next time I will go to a different dealer and  take someone with me to help me not get pressured into a purchase.

" So just making it very specific  about a single issue and a single solution. Uh with Ivan, instead of saying, "Why  am I such a failure at relationships? " he could do the locus-of-control activity, which  is where you explore what you're responsible for and what you aren't responsible for.

By clarifying  this he can he can see that he can't force someone to love him; it's not in his control whether  someone chooses to stay. Right? He can only work on himself.

So in this way you let go of the past,  and you just focus on the small, tiny actions you can take. Rule number three: no thinking without  action. Take any situation that bugs you, identify what the value is, and then choose one action.

So  if you're annoyed that someone was hurtful, you value being compassionate, act on that. If someone  took advantage of you, you value good boundaries, act on that. This is all about being the change  you wish to see in the world.

Okay. Number four is no self-labels. So the new rule is you aren't  allowed to label yourself as anything.

You have to phrase everything as a behavior. So instead of  saying, "Oh, I'm such a failure at relationships. No one could ever love me," right, say,  "Oh, I made a mistake in that relationship" or "I did my best in that relationship.

" Right?  You change it to a behavior instead of a label. Instead of saying, "Oh, I'm such an idiot," say,  "Oh, I'm going to do this one thing different next time.

" And this is all about changing the story  that you tell yourself. Okay. Here's rule number five: if you point out the negative, you must  counterbalance it with at least two positives.

The negative may be true, but your tendency is to  just completely ignore the positive. And I'm not talking here about like a toxic positivity  where you're not allowed to feel sadness. I'm talking about increasing your capacity to  feel both sides of emotions, to see both sides of a situation.

So for example um if you messed up  an assignment at work, you might have the thought, "Oh, why am I so stupid? Why can't I get anything  right? " Here's where you slow yourself down.

You can't get anything right. Are you sure? Yes, you  did mess up on that assignment, but do you show up to work on time.

Have you completed projects in  the past? So so you could say something like, "Oh, I messed up on that project, and I've succeeded  at projects in the past. I can learn from this experience to do better in the future.

" Okay. So  there are five rules to stop rumination. I know that when you're deep in the throes of depression  the darkest thoughts feel the truest, but they're most likely lying to you.

So of course if you can  get some support from a wise friend or a mental health professional. I hope this has been helpful  for you. Thank you for watching, and take care.