Why The Generals Hid The Nukes, And What Caused Nicki Minaj To Skip The Met Gala

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

In Stephen's Tuesday night monologue he looks at revelations from Bob Woodward's new book, which alleges that China and the Pentagon each had serious concerns about the former president's access to nuclear weapons, and he checks on friend of the show Nicki Minaj after her comments about vaccines set off a social media firestorm. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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Video Transcript:

WELCOME, WELCOME, BENGHAZI, EVERYBODY, IN HERE OUT THERE, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> HEY, REMEMBER HOW ANXIOUS YOU WERE IN THE FINAL DAYS OF THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENCY? WELL, TURNS OUT, NOW THAT WE'RE THROUGH IT, I THINK WE CAN SAY, IN HINDSIGHT, THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE MORE TERRIFIED, BECAUSE WE'RE GETTING NEW DETAILS ABOUT THE LAST DAYS OF THE LAST ADMINISTRATION OF "THE LARDFATHER," IN THE NEW TELL-ALL FROM BOB WOODWARD AND ROBERT COSTA, "PERIL." TURNS OUT, TWO DAYS AFTER THE JANUARY 6th INSURRECTION, JOINT CHIEFS CHAIRMAN, MARK MILLEY FEARED THE FORMER PRESIDENT WOULD LAUNCH A NUCLEAR WAR. THAT'S A BOMBSHELL REVELATION A BOMBSHELL ABOUT A BOMBSHELL THAT WOULD BRING ABOUT THE REVELATION. BUT GOING NUCLEAR MAKES SENSE FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT. AFTER ALL, HE IS A FAT MAN WHO ACTS LIKE A LITTLE BOY. APPARENTLY--<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> APPARENTLY--<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> TRUE STORY. TRUE STORY. APPARENTLY, GENERAL MILLEY BELIEVED THE THEN-PRESIDENT HAD GONE INTO A SERIOUS MENTAL DECLINE IN THE AFTERMATH OF THE ELECTION. THAT IS PRETTY FRIGHTENING, BUT NOT SURPRISING. WE ALL KNOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS PROBLEMS WITH DECLINES. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> SO, GENERAL MILLEY-- A LITTLE NERVOUS? >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH. >> Stephen: GENERAL MILLEY SINGLEHANDEDLY TOOK TOP-SECRET ACTION TO LIMIT THE FORMER PRESIDENT FROM POTENTIALLY ORDERING A DANGEROUS MILITARY STRIKE OR LAUNCHING NUCLEAR WEAPONS. WHAT HE DID WAS, HE CHANGED THE NUCLEAR CODES INTO SOMETHING THE PRESIDENT WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT: HIS CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAYS. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> IT WASN'T JUST OUR GENERALS WHO WERE CONVINCED THE PRESIDENT WAS GOING TO START A WAR. THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT BELIEVED THE UNITED STATES WAS PREPARING TO ATTACK, BASED ON TENSIONS OVER MILITARY EXERCISES IN THE SOUTH CHINA SEA, AND DEEPENED BY THE PRESIDENT'S BELLIGERENT RHETORIC TOWARD CHINA. THAT'S HOW SERIOUS IT WAS. CHINA WAS AFRAID THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS GOING TO BOMB HIS DAUGHTER'S PURSE FACTORIES. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> IT WAS-- IT WAS SO--<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> LOVELY-- OH, QUALITY. IT'S THE QUALITY. IT WAS SO PLAUSIBLE, THAT GENERAL MILLEY FELT COMPELLED TO CALL THE CHINESE AND SAY, "I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT IS STABLE, AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. WE ARE NOT GOING TO ATTACK." THAT'S NOT REASSURING! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> IT'S LIKE A BABYSITTER CALLING WHILE YOU'RE AT DINNER TO SAY, "I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT THE TWINS ARE STABLE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. THEY ARE NOT GOING TO SET THE GARAGE ON FIRE OR DO ANYTHING ELSE WITH THE MATCHES I LET THEM PLAY WITH. HOW ATTACHED WERE YOU TO THE DOG?" <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> THE BOOK ALSO TALKS ABOUT HOW MUCHPRESSURE WAS PUT ON MIKE PENCE BY OL' BONE SPURS N' HARMONY. ON JANUARY 5th, PENCE TOLD THE THEN-PRESIDENT THAT VICE PRESIDENTS DON'T HAVE THE POWER TO OVERTURN AN ELECTION. AS MAGAHEADS WERE CHEERING OUTSIDE, THE PRESIDENT TURNED TO PENCE AND SAID, "IF THESE PEOPLE SAY YOU HAD THE POWER, WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO?" PENCE REPLIED,"I WOULDN'T WANT ANY ONE PERSON TO HAVE THAT AUTHORITY," TO WHICH THE FORMER PRESIDENT SAID, "BUT WOULDN'T IT BE ALMOST COOL TO HAVE THAT POWER?"<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> ALWAYS NICE TO HEAR WORDS LIKE "COOL" ATTACHED TO FLAGRANT ABUSES OF POWER, LIKE WHEN NIXON SAID, "HEY, HENRY, WOULDN'T IT BE GROOVY IF WE SECRETLY BOMBED CAMBODIA? COWABUNGA, DUDE!" THE V.P. WOULD NOT BUDGE, WHICH INFURIATED THE SAD-ITIONIST, WHO SCREAMED, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, MIKE. YOU CAN DO THIS. I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE IF YOU DON'T DO THIS." I GOTTA SAY, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN TOUGH TO HEAR, BUT THE NEXT DAY, AT THE CAPITOL RIOT, MIKE PENCE FOUND SOME NEW FRIENDS TO HANG WITH. BOB WOODWARD--<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> SO SAD. SO SAD. BOB WOODWARD AND ROBERT COSTA WILL BE MY GUESTS ONE WEEK FROM TONIGHT. SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE. AND I--<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> IT WILL BE A GREAT SHOW, GREAT SHOW. I WILL ASK THEM HOW CLOSE WE WERE TO NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON, AND THEN ASK THEM TO ROCK ME GENTLY IN THEIR ARMS WHILE I OPENLY WEEP. HEY, IN MORE HOPEFUL NEWS, AFTER AN 18-MONTH SHUTDOWN, TODAY THE BIGGEST BROADWAY SHOWS REOPENED! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> I'M TALKIN' "HAMILTON," "WICKED," "THE LION KING." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> BROADWAY! ♪ ♪ ♪ "THE LATE SHOW" IS CELEBRATING BROADWAY'S RETURN. CHECK OUT THE DOME! THERE IT IS, TIMES SQUARE, ALL THE SPLENDOR OF BROADWAY! <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> THAT WILL BE $280. PRODUCTIONS ARE STILL TAKING PRECAUTIONS. JUST LIKE OUR THEATER, MASKS ARE NOW REQUIRED FOR BROADWAY AUDIENCES. THAT MEANS FULL COVERAGE OF MOUTH AND NOSE. LOOKIN' AT YOU, PHANTOM. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> JIMMY, CAN WE HELP HIM OUT? THANK YOU. REOPENING IS GOING MORE SMOOTHLY THAN EXPECTED. PRODUCERS SAY, "THERE WERE ACTUALLY FEWER RODENTS THAN FEARED IN THE THEATER BUILDINGS." NOW, THAT'S WHAT YOU PUT UP ON THE MARQUEE. COME SEE "WAITRESS: WITH FEWER RODENTS THAN FEARED!" <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> WE DON'T HAVE ANY, RIGHT? NO RODENT. NO RODE ENTS HERE. >> Jon: MICHELANGELO, LEONARDO, DONATELLO, NOTHING. >> Stephen: IN OTHER DAZZLING NEWS, LAST NIGHT WAS THE ANNUAL MET GALA. THIS YEAR'S THEME WAS AN HOMAGE TO AMERICA. SOME FOLKS TOOK THAT LITERALLY, LIKE SOCCER PLAYER MEGAN RAPINOE AND ROCKER DEBBIE HARRY, WHILE OTHERS MADE STATEMENTS, LIKE A.O.C.'S DRESS THAT READ "TAX THE RICH." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> YES, BY ALL MEANS. ABSOLUTELY. STRONG STATEMENT. AND A LOVELY TRIBUTE TO BERNIE'S "RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE" TANK TOP. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> GOOD. LOOKS GOOD. A LITTLE MIDRIFF, A LITTLE DARING. RAPPER LIL NAS X HAD MULTIPLE LOOKS, INCLUDING THIS CAPE, WHICH HE SHED TO REVEAL A GOLDEN SUIT OF ARMOR. UNFORTUNATELY, HE HAD TO LEAVE EARLY TO HELP R2D2 GET HAN, LUKE, AND LEIA OUT OF A TRASH COMPACTOR. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> OF COURSE-- ♪ ♪ ♪ I KNOW THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND. THEY'RE SAYING, "STEPHEN, DID YOU ATTEND THE MET GALA?" AND THE ANSWER IS, "YES, I DID!" AND THERE I AM. THAT'S ME. THERE I AM. YOU CAN'T PROVE IT ISN'T ME. ONE MET GALA INVITEE WHO DIDN'T SHOW UP WAS RAPPER NICKI MINAJ, SEEN HERE AFTER BEING UPHOLSTERED. MINAJ TWEETED THAT THE REASON SHE DIDN'T GO TO THE MET GALA WAS BECAUSE OF HER YOUNG CHILD, BUT SHE ALSO TWEETED, "THEY WANT YOU TO GET VACCINATED FOR THE MET. IF I GET VACCINATED, IT WON'T BE FOR THE MET. IT'LL BE ONCE I FEEL I'VE DONE ENOUGH RESEARCH. I'M WORKING ON THAT NOW." ( BOOING ) NO, I AM NOT SURPRISED. SHE'S KNOWN FOR HER EXTENSIVE RESEARCH ON WHAT ANACONDAS WANT, IF AND WHEN YOU'VE GOT BUNS, HUN. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> DEEP DIVE. DEEP DIVE ON THAT SUBJECT? A. DEEP DIVE ON THAT ONE, BUT IL >> Stephen: HER NEXT TWEET SHOWED HOW DEEPLY SHE'S DELVED INTO THE VACCINE SCIENCE, SAYING, "MY COUSIN IN TRINIDAD WON'T GET THE VACCINE CUZ HIS FRIEND GOT IT AND BECAME IMPOTENT. HIS TESTICLES BECAME SWOLLEN." SEE, THAT'S WHY I MADE SURE TO GET MY SHOT IN THE SHOULDER. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> I CAN'T-- SO IMPORTANT. ♪ ♪ ♪ SO IMPORTANT. YOU ALL RIGHT. .>> Jon: YEAH, I'M GOOD ON THAT. >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO SAY THIS, BUT DOCTORS AGREE THAT COVID VACCINES DO NOT CAUSE SWOLLEN TESTICLES. BUT TO BE FAIR TO DR. MINAJ, EVERYONE KNOWS THERE'S NO SOURCE MORE RELIABLE THAN YOUR EXTENDED FAMILY'S ACQUAINTANCES IN ANOTHER COUNTRY. HER REPORT COMES STRAIGHT FROM "THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MY COUSIN'S FRIEND IN TRINIDAD. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> JUST-- CHECK OUT THIS WEEK'S STUDY: I HEARD HIS GIRLFRIEND GOT PREGNANT FROM A HOT TUB. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> OH, TODAY IN CALIFORNIA, VOTERS HEADED TO THE POLLS FOR THE RECALL ELECTION OF CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR AND MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY PLAYING MITT ROMNEY IN A BIOPIC, GAVIN NEWSOM. NOW, AT THE TIME OF THIS TAPING, WE DON'T KNOW THE WINNERS OR THE LOSERS, BUT WE KNOW AT LEAST ONE LOSER WHO CLAIMS HE WAS THE WINNER-- REPUBLICAN FRONT-RUNNER AND MAN NOTICING A SQUIRREL CARRYING A WHOLE WAFFLE, LARRY ELDER. YESTERDAY, BEFORE A SINGLE VOTE WAS COUNTED, ELDER WAS ALREADY CONCEDING DEFEAT AND PREPARING TO BLAME HIS LOSS ON BASELESS CLAIMS OF WIDESPREAD VOTER FRAUD, GOING LIVE-- ( BOOING ) GOING LIVE WITH A WEBSITE BEGGING VOTERS TO "INVESTIGATE AND AMELIORATE THE TWISTED RESULTS OF THIS 2021 RECALL ELECTION OF GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM." AND HE PUT THAT UP BEFORE A SINGLE RESULT COULD HAVE BEEN TWISTED. IT'S LIKE SENDING AN EMAIL TO YOUR BOSS AT 5:00 P.M. SAYING, "HEY, TOMORROW MORNING, MY ALARM ISN'T GOING TO GO OFF. I'LL BE VERY LATE, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE COOL WITH IT. SEE YOU AT HAPPY HOUR!"<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> ELDER'S WEB SITE-- >> Jon: YEAH, BABY. >> Stephen: IT'S A JOURNEY. ELDER'S WEBSITE SAYS HE'S GOT PRE-PROOF OF THE FUTURE FRAUD, THANKS TO STATISTICAL ANALYSES USED TO DETECT FRAUD IN ELECTIONS HELD IN THIRD-WORLD NATIONS, SUCH AS RUSSIA, VENEZUELA, AND IRAN, ADDING: "MY COUSIN IN TRINIDAD TOLD ME HIS FRIEND'S BALLS VOTED TWICE." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS SUPREME COURT JUSTICE STEPHEN BREYER. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪

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