There's No Stopping Stephen Colbert! THE Late Show Returns With Full Audiences On June 14th

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The news we've been waiting for is finally here: The Late Show will resume taping in front of a full studio audience at the Ed Sullivan Theater on Monday, June 14th! No one captured the excitement of this historic moment better than New York Mayor Bill De Blasio, who said today, "there's no stopping New York, there's no stopping Stephen Colbert!" If you are vaccinated and would like to join us in person for a taping of The Late Show, visit this page for ticketing information: https://colbert.1iota.com. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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Video Transcript:

>> Stephen: HEY! WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS FOR YOU, AND EVEN BETTER NEWS FOR ME: ON JUNE 14TH: "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT" WILL RETURN TO THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER! HELL, YES! I CANNOT WAIT TO SAY THINGS THAT ARE THAT HAPPY AND THEN HEAR PEOPLE CHEER OR BOO OR BELCH I'M NOT PICKY AT THIS POINT. LET HER RIP! THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE SOME SOCIALLY DISTANCED SMATTERING OF A FEW PEOPLE. WE ARE RETURNING WITH A FULL, VACCINATED AUDIENCE. OF COURSE, VACCINES HAVE LONG BEEN REQUIRED AT THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER, EVER SINCE THE DEADLY 1964 OUTBREAK OF... BEATLE-MANIA. THAT'S SO SOON. SO SOON! I WAS TELLING CHRIS JUST A MOMENT AGO, I REMEMBER MAY OF 2020. YOU SAID WHEN DO YOU THINK WE'LL BE BACK IN? I SAID ). -- I SAID, JUNE OF 2021. THAT WAS OVER A YEAR OUT AT THAT POINT. I CAN'T BELIEVE WE MADE IT. IT'S ONLY 21 MORE DAYS. 21 MORE DAYS FROM TONIGHT, THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WILL BE PACKED WITH FOLKS LIKE YOU, THE ONES WHO MADE THIS REOPENING POSSIBLE BY STAYING SAFE, THINKING ABOUT YOUR FELLOW CITIZENS, AND GETTING VACCINATED. GIVE YOURSELF A ROUND OF APPLAUSE, IF ONLY TO PRACTICE GIVING ME A ROUND OF APPLAUSE. WE ARE WORKING AROUND THE CLOCK TO GET EVERYTHING READY FOR A LIVE AUDIENCE AGAIN. FIRST, WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET --THIS BACK INTO A SUIT. OKAY. SAME WAY, DIFFERENT DISTRIBUTION. IT WILL PROBABLY INVOLVE NANO-TECHNOLOGY. TONY STARK, CALL ME. THEN WE HAVE TO PREP THE ACTUAL ED SULLIVAN THEATER. SPECIFICALLY, WE GOTTA CLEAR OUT THE RATS DOWN THERE WHO'VE BEEN HOSTING THEIR OWN SHOW. OF COURSE -- HANKS IS GREAT WITH EVERYBODY. OF COURSE, THIS IS ALL PART OF NEW YORK REOPENING. WE'RE JUST THE FIRST THEATER ON BRODWAY TO COME BACK FULL STEAM. AND NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO TOOK NOTE. >> WE JUST GOT SOME GREAT NEWS ABOUT ONE OF OUR FAVORITE PEOPLE, STEPHEN COLBERT. "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT" WILL BE RESUMING WITH A LIVE AUDIENCE AT THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER ON JUNE 14TH. FULL AUDIENCE, FULL AUDIENCE OF VACCINATED FOLKS ENJOYING ONE OF THE GREAT COMEDIANS OF OUR TIME. >> STEPHEN: IS DAVE CHAPPELLE COMING ON? OH! HE MEANS ME? OH. OH, ME. HE SHOULD SEE MORE COMEDIANS. IF YOU ARE VACCINATED, AND YOU WOULD LIKE TO ATTEND THE FIRST NIGHT BACK FOR THE LATE SHOW, TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK RIGHT NOW. AS I SAID, FOR ALL OF US TO BE TOGETHER SAFELY, EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE WILL HAVE TO BE FULLY VACCINATED. IT'S LIKE NO GLOVE, NO LOVE. NO POKES, NO JOKES. NO NEEDLE, NO LIVE INTERVIEW WITH DON CHEADLE. IS CHEADLE ON? WE'LL GET HIM. ONE PERSON WHO WILL NOT BE ALLOWED IN: KENTUCKY SENATOR AND MAN WHOSE HAIRCUT IS THE HAIR LEFT ON THE FLOOR AFTER OTHER PEOPLE'S HAIRCUTS, RAND PAUL. SENATOR PAUL HAS BEEN A SKEPTIC OF HOW BAD COVID REALLY IS, WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY HE GOT IT. BUT THERE'S ONE THING HE'S DECIDED NOT TO GET: THE VACCINE. >> I'VE JUST MADE MY OWN PERSONAL DECISION THAT I'M NOT GETTING VACCINATED BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY HAD THE DISEASE AND I HAVE NATURAL IMMUNITY NOW. >> STEPHEN: OK, BUT NO ONE KNOWS HOW LONG THAT IMMUNITY LASTS. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOUR CHOICE IS GOING TO AFFECT OTHER PEOPLE. I HAVE MADE MY OWN PERSONAL DECISION TO MICROWAVE CLAM CHOWDER IN THE OFFICE BREAK ROOM. AS FOR HIS REASONING, HE RANDSPLAINED: >> SHOULD THEY FORCE PEOPLE TO GET VACCINATED THAT ALREADY HAD COVID AND SURVIVED? THEY WOULD FIRST HAVE TO PROVE THAT THE VACCINE IS BETTER THAN BEING INFECTED. >> STEPHEN: NO, THEY DON'T. THEY DON'T HAVE TO PROVE THAT SEATBELTS ARE BETTER THAN ACCIDENTS, OR THAT WEARING A PARACHUTE IS BETTER THAN HITTING THE EARTH AT TERMINAL VELOCITY, OR THAT HAVING HOT SPIKES DRIVEN INTO YOUR EARS IS BETTER THAN LISTENING TO RAND PAUL. IT'S SELF-EVIDENT. THANKFULLY, MOST PEOPLE ARE NOT RAND PAUL. THERE'S GOOD NEWS ABOUT COVID IN THE U.S. PRETTY MUCH EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF THE VAX-SCENE. (SYRINGES SINGING) ♪ LET'S TALK ABOUT VAX, BABY LET'S TALK ABOUT ANTIBODIES ♪ LET'S TALK ABOUT GETTING DIRTY AFTER HERD IMMUNITY ♪ LET'S TALK ABOUT VAX. LET'S TALK ABOUT VAX ♪ LET'S TALK ABOUT VAX LET'S TALK ABOUT VAX >> STEPHEN: AS OF YESTERDAY NEARLY 50% OF ALL AMERICANS HAVE GOTTEN AT LEAST ONE DOSE, AND COVID DEATHS ARE AS LOW AS THEY'VE BEEN SINCE LAST SUMMER. YES, LOW DEATH SUMMER. MY FAVORITE BEACH BOYS ALBUM. UNFORTUNATELY, THERE'S ONE GROUP OF AMERICANS WHO AREN'T FULL OF VAX-THUSIASM. MORE THAN HALF OF HOUSE REPUBLICANS STILL WON'T DISCLOSE THEIR VACCINE STATUS, WHICH HAS PROMPTED SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI TO LEAVE THE HOUSE MASK MANDATE IN PLACE. GOOD. NO ONE SHOULD BE SUBJECTED TO MATT GAETZ'S FACE. JIMMY? PUT A MASK ON HIM. LET'S DOUBLE MASK HIM. THAT'S BETTER. SHOCKING NEWS OUT OF EASTERN EUROPE BECAUSE YESTERDAY BELARUS FORCED A COMMERCIAL PLANE TO LAND SO THEY COULD SEIZE A DISSIDENT. THERE WAS SOME WARNING FOR PASSENGERS. THE PILOT HAD TURNED ON THE "NO OPPOSITION TO MURDEROUS DICTATOR LIGHT." THE DICTATOR IN QUESTION IS EVIL NUTCRACKER, ALEXANDER LUKASHENKO. LUKASHENKO HAS RULED BELARUS FOR 26 YEARS, BUT AFTER POLLS SHOWED HIM WAY BEHIND, LUKASHENKO RIGGED THE RECENT ELECTION. MAN. HUGO CHAVEZ' GHOST GETS AROUND. THAT LED TO MASSIVE PROTESTS AND THOUSANDS OF ARRESTS, FORCING THE OPPOSITION TO FLEE THE COUNTRY. ONE OF THOSE OPPOSITION LEADERS, JOURNALIST ROMAN PROTA-SAYVICH, WAS ON A RYANAIR FLIGHT FROM ATHENS TO VILNIUS, LITHUANIA. ONCE THE PLANE WAS OVER BELARUS AIR SPACE, SOMEONE ON THE PLANE CALLED IN A PHONY BOMB THREAT AT WHICH POINT LUKASHENKO PERSONALLY ORDERED A MIG-29 FIGHTER JET TO ESCORT THE RYANAIR PLANE TO THE MINSK AIRPORT. THAT MUST OF BEEN A HELLUVA IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT: (AS PILOT) ATTENTION PASSENGERS. ON YOUR RIGHT, YOU'LL SEE THE BEAUTIFUL HISTORIC MIR CASTLE, AND TO YOUR LEFT IS A MIG-29 FIGHTER JET ARMED WITH HEAT SEEKING MISSILES WHOSE TARGETING MECHANISMS ARE CURRENTLY LOCKED ONTO OUR PLANE. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WILL BE COMING AROUND IN A FEW MOMENTS WITH THE DRINK CART, HOODS, AND ZIP-TIES. THANK YOU FOR FLYING RYANAIR. THE PLANE SAT ON THE TARMAC FOR SEVEN HOURS, NO BOMB WAS FOUND, BUT PROTA-SAYVICH WAS DRAGGED OFF THE PLANE AND ARRESTED. U.S. SECRETARY OF STATE ANTONY BLINKEN CALLED THE INCIDENT A BRAZEN AND SHOCKING ACT TO DIVERT A COMMERCIAL FLIGHT AND ARREST A JOURNALIST. WE DEMAND AN INTERNATIONAL INVESTIGATION. >> STEPHEN: TO WHICH ROY BLUNT SAID >> IT'S TOO SOON. GIVE IT A YEAR. >> STEPHEN: PERHAPS THE STRONGEST REACTION CAME FROM THE PRESIDENT OF LITHUANIA, WHO CALLED FOR BELARUS' AIRSPACE TO BE DECLARED UNSAFE AND FOR BELARUSIAN AIRKT AIRCRAFT NOT TO BE ACCEPTED AT E.U. AIRPORTS. THAT IS REALLY GOING TO BE A BLOW TO BELARUS' NUMBER ONE AIRLINE: A POTATO PULLED BY A GOAT. THAT'S A FOOD OLD FASHIONED COLD WAR JOKE. THERE YOU GO. HAVE THAT ONE DUSTED OFF AND PUT BACK IN THE TRUNK. TODAY IS A MOMENTOUS DAY FOR FITNESS ENTHUSIASTS DOWN SOUTH, BECAUSE ALABAMA HAS LIFTED ITS BAN ON YOGA IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS, A BAN THAT HAD BEEN IN PLACE FOR NEARLY 30 YEARS. 30 YEARS! ALSO KNOWN AS THE AMOUNT OF TIME IT TAKES FOR MY HIPS TO REGAIN FEELING AFTER PIGEON POSE. YOGA WAS BANNED IN ALABAMA BECAUSE APPARENTLY SOME CHRISTIANS WERE AFRAID THAT YOGA WOULD OPEN THE DOOR FOR PEOPLE TO BE CONVERTED TO HINDUISM. THEY THOUGHT DOING YOGA WOULD TURN THEIR KIDS HINDU? THE ONLY THING YOGA TURNS YOU INTO IS SOMEONE WHO WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT YOGA. SO NOW KIDS ARE ALLOWED TO TAKE YOGA AS AN ELECTIVE, BUT HOLD YOUR FLOW, BECAUSE MEDITATION IS NOT ALLOWED. HOW DO YOU POLICE THAT? (AS ANGRY TEACHER) DUNCAN, YOU'VE BEEN VERY QUIET FOR A WHILE. YOU BETTER NOT BE WATCHING YOUR THOUGHTS PASS BY LIKE A RIVER, YOUNG MAN JESUS WANTS YOUR KUNDALINI COILED LIKE A SNAKE! THE BILL ALSO REQUIRES THAT ENGLISH NAMES BE USED FOR ALL POSES AND EXERCISES, AND STUDENTS WON'T BE ALLOWED TO SAY NAMASTE. INSTEAD, THEY WILL HAVE TO USE THE TRADITIONAL ALABAMA MANTRA: (SOUTHERN ACCENT) HEY, Y'ALL, WATCH THIS! SO, WHILE IT MAY SEEM OBVIOUS THAT A LITTLE YOGA WON'T LEAD TO MASS CONVERSION, PEOPLE ARE STILL WORRIED. HERE TO DISCUSS FURTHER, IS ONE OF MY WRITERS, PRATIMA MONEY. >> NAMASTE, STEVE. >> STEPHEN: OH. THANKS. I'VE NEVER HEARD YOU SAY THAT BEFORE. >> NORMALLY I DON'T, BUT TODAY'S A BIG DAY FOR HINDUISM. WE'RE FINALLY GOING TO ACHIEVE THE GOAL WE'VE WORKED TOWARD FOR MILLENNIA: BRINGING FIFTH-GRADE ALABAMIANS INTO THE FOLD. HARE RAM. >> STEPHEN: THAT SEEMS LIKE A STRETCH, NO PUN INTENDED. >> NO PUN ACCEPTED. >> STEPHEN: SO, YOU'RE SAYING THAT ALABAMA CHRISTIANS WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG? THAT TEACHING YOGA IN SCHOOL IS GOING TO BRAINWASH STUDENTS? >> ABSOLUTELY, STEVE. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT EVERYONE IS AT ALL TIMES ONE DOWN DOG AWAY FROM ACCEPTING VISHNU INTO THEIR HEARTS? IT'S ALREADY WORKING. HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED AGING HIPSTERS EVERYWHERE WEARING SHIRTS THAT SAY NIRVANA. >> STEPHEN: I THINK THEY'RE REFERRING TO THE 90'S BAND, NIRVANA. >> WHO THEN REINCARNATED INTO THE FOO FIGHTERS. MYSTIC FORCES AT PLAY DON'T ACT LIKE THIS WASN'T PREDICTED IN THE BHAGAVAD GITA. >> STEPHEN: WELL I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS. I HAVEN'T READ THE BHAGAVAD GITA. >> NEITHER HAVE I. IT'S LIKE 700 VERSES ABOUT THE STRUGGLE BETWEEN DUTY AND DESIRE, THE MEANING OF RIGHTFUL ACTION, THE JOURNEY TO REALIZE INNER TRUTH AND THE NATURE OF THE DIVINE. LUCKILY, YOUR BRAIN ABSORBS ALL OF THAT THE SECOND YOU DO JUST ONE WARRIOR POSE. >> STEPHEN: OH, COME ON. I'VE DONE A FEW YOGA CLASSES AND IT DIDN'T MAKE ME KICK JESUS TO THE CURB. >> WOW. I GUESS YOU'RE JUST TOO STRONG FOR US, STEVE. CAN'T WIN 'EM ALL. ANYWAYS, NAMASTE. >> STEPHEN: NAMASTE. >> HE SAID IT WE GOT ANOTHER ONE, GUYS! >> STEPHEN: DAMMIT! PRATIMA! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE ANTHONY ANDERSON AND N.I.H. DIRECTOR DR. FRANCIS COLLINS. WHEN WE COME BACK, IT'S GONNA BE "MEANWHILE." BUT, RIGHT NOW, REMEMBER, GO TO THIS LINK TO FETE YOUR TICKETS TO "THE LATE SHOW," BECAUSE WE WILL BE BACK IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER ON JUNE 14. WHY, MR. MAYOR? >> THERE'S NO STOPPING NEW YORK, THERE'S NO STOPPING STEPHEN COLBERT. >> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT, THERE'S NO STOPPING STEPHEN COLBERT EXCEPT COMMERCIAL BREAKS. ITCH TOLD I HAVE TO STOP RIGHT NOW. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. COME ON! ♪♪♪

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