3 things NOT to do when setting boundaries!

boundaries can be challenging for a lot of us and sometimes when we finally work up the courage to set them we can end up falling into a few pitfalls if you struggle to set and uphold boundaries or even know what they are don't worry I'm offering a four hour Workshop that will Empower you to set the boundaries you need to take back control of your life we will discuss what boundaries are the different types of boundaries that exist in life and what behaviors you may have that are sabotaging your ability to have healthy ones and

you will also learn why you need boundaries how to set them and what to do if someone refuses to respect them you can click the link in the description to access it now but let's get into the three common mistakes that I see people make when they're setting boundaries foreign let's talk about what not to do when setting boundaries first ask them to change the way that they interact with you and think you're done boundaries are not the same as requests a request is a forceful ask or a demand that someone change their behavior for

example I may say to someone please don't speak to me that way or please don't comment on my body those are requests and it's a very important part of setting a boundary but the key word there is part often I see people make that statement and then think that they're done that that's all the work they had to do when setting boundaries but a boundary is about managing your behavior and so it includes one more thing it includes a plan for what you're going to do to keep yourself safe and healthy if someone crosses that

boundary think about it this way you happen upon a field and there's a gate that feels like a boundary to some of us we would never dream of Crossing out without being invited in right that's private property I'm not going to trespass but let's be honest boundaries are not for people like that boundaries are for people who might think to themselves I could probably cut through this field on my ways to get somewhere they barely even noticed the gate so a boundary is more than that fence or gait it's also got a sign on it

that says trespassers will be prosecuted this is now not only a barrier but a plan for how to enforce that barrier that's what you need in your boundaries so you may ask someone to change their behavior and then think to yourself well what's my plan if they don't sometimes you might include that in your communication you know for example please don't speak to me that way or I'll have to get off the phone with you or if you're saying please don't comment on my body and if you aren't able to honor that request I'll have

to take a break from eating meals with you sometimes that second part might just be a plan in your mind you don't always have to communicate it but either way don't just make a request and think that you're done the second big thing not to do when you're setting boundaries is to focus on trying to change someone else's Behavior this is a biggie boundaries are not about trying to change how someone else is behaving of course in the dream world when I ask someone to stop doing something the end result is that they stop doing

it and it's very easy to think about boundaries this way I'm setting this boundary to get them to stop but unfortunately that's not always how it works and when we focus on changing someone else's Behavior as the goal of a boundary we're stepping out of what we can control and we might end up feeling helpless and Powerless because we can't control what other people do and boundaries are not about feeling hopeless or hopeless they're about empowerment they are about taking back what you can control which are your choices and your behavior sometimes when we set

boundaries and someone gets upset we feel like we've failed oh that boundary didn't work they're mad at us or if someone pushes against a boundary it feels like it didn't work either but boundaries are in place for when people won't stop that's what they're there for and that isn't them not working that's the chance to implement your boundary by changing your behavior to keep yourself safe and healthy the third thing we want to try not to do when setting boundaries is to have All or Nothing boundaries for some reason love black white All or Nothing

in or out we're like drawn to it and some of us are hunting for relationships where we won't have to have boundaries because we don't really like setting them but boundaries are not just for unhealthy Dynamics and relationships boundaries are for every relationship if you have a relationship that doesn't need any boundaries sorry to say That's not healthy that might actually be a sign of an like the infatuation stage of an enmeshed maybe codependent or just unhealthy Dynamic and if we struggle with boundaries we set our boundary as all or nothing we want no boundaries

and then we realize we need them and then people aren't abiding by what we think we need and then we just decide to cut them off all together we call that cutting off a boundary we tell ourselves we're being healthy by totally cutting off connection with someone when the truth is we're sometimes doing that because we don't know how to set and uphold boundaries it's too hard for us to grow in identifying and communicating what we're okay with and what we aren't and we don't want the emotional discomfort of having to navigate that in relationship

so we would just rather end it in healthy relief relationships boundaries change and shift based on needs and responses and in healthy boundaries we were able to invite people into areas where they're safe and set boundaries where we need them and here are some examples you know just in case you're having a hard time visualizing what I'm talking about let's say you're struggling to set boundaries at work let's see how these three things the three things to not do might play out first maybe you ask them to change the way they interact with you and

you think you're done so you put together an email you send it to your boss and you let them know hey please don't text me in the evening after work instead of just doing that you could try letting them know hey if you text at night after work hours or on the weekend I'm not going to be able to get back to you until the next work day you can see how that could be a little more impactful second and I know that may be so stressful for some of you because if they still text

you at night you can get really frustrated like the boundary isn't working I told them and it's just not working at all but remember the goal of the boundary isn't to control them or their behavior the boundary is about you not responding right not responding to the text on weekends after work so you just make a note and reply to them the next day or maybe you turn off your phone altogether so you don't have to see the text back in the day when I would go on vacation as a therapist we usually have two

phones so I have my personal phone and I have my work phone and it was a beautiful thing if you can afford it or if it's offered to you through your work I cannot recommend it enough because when I went on vacation or on the weekend I would turn my work phone off and it's such a small simple task but it made all the difference because let's be honest we're not going to turn our phones off we use them for everything but if you have a separate phone that's only for work maybe you could just

throwing it out there okay let's move on to the third thing if you have an All or Nothing mentality when it comes to placing boundaries you might find yourself quitting the job before you even try to set a boundary maybe you want to find a job where no one emails you until you're ready for emails and you're looking for a job where you won't have to have boundaries but unfortunately that isn't really likely to happen when it comes to work or our other relationships and instead of quitting maybe your first step is to just set

a time that you're going to be done with the computer and walk away from it kind of like they're turning off your phone shut the computer if it's a laptop shut it walk away you're not answering those right now I know setting boundaries is a hard thing to think about take the time to set them and to uphold them over time but I hope this helped you get an idea of where to start and what you can do today to start setting up healthy boundaries in your life because it really has more to do with

what we are going to do than anything else and as a reminder I have that Workshop available to help you better understand how to set and uphold boundaries in your life and if you're interested you can find it on my website katimorton.com or click the link at the top of the description but let me know if you have any other thoughts on this or tips that helped you in those comments down below thank you so much for watching have a wonderful week