How to Stop Taking Things Personally

There's a reason your brain likes to  take things personally, and I'm going to show you why - and three steps to stop  taking things personally. And I would say the third one is what really makes you  feel secure. But first, story from my life.

So full disclosure: Sometimes  I write uh videos for everyone else, sometimes I write videos for a client that I have  in mind, and sometimes I write videos for myself. And this video is the latter. So I grew up in  a culture where being assertive was considered unbearably rude, and if someone did something you  didn't like, taking offense was our most commonly used defensive weapon.

And it's a mental habit  that I still fall into sometimes. So story time: In my early 20s I lived in Argentina for 18  months, serving a church mission. My coworker at the time was an Argentine, and sometimes we  struggled to get along, probably in part because I was just learning Spanish and there were a lot  of miscommunications.

So one day, for example, I said, "Solo estoy intentando sportarte," which I  thought meant, "I'm just trying to support you. " But what I actually said was, "I'm just trying  to put up with you. " So, surprisingly, despite my charm I did not make her future bridesmaid short  list.

Um another day she said to me, "Hermana, you've gained a lot of weight, haven't you? "  to which I absolutely took offense. And then she said, "And you take offense very easily,"  to which I absolutely took more offense.

So needless to say, it was a difficult three months  for both of us. So you have to admit that taking things personally secretly feels really good,  feels really vindicating. But in the long run it makes you insecure, isolated, and pretty  miserable.

So it it just turns out that being angry and fragile at the same time does not lend  itself to successful friendships. But to be honest I am making progress in this area. Taking offense  or taking things personally is a super complex relational strategy.

It's something you're doing  and you keep doing because it serves a function for you. You get something out of it. But it often  happens so fast, you just feel like it's natural, that it happens to you.

And that's in part  because it's a defense mechanism. These are pretty primitive survival reactions that fire  super fast in our brain. Um you've heard of the fight/flight/freeze response.

Taking offense is  a modern complex way that the fight defense shows up. Here's an example between two characters  named Cam and Mitchell on a TV show I loved called Modern Family. "Hey, I think I'm going  to take this spin class tomorrow morning.

" "Oh, sure. " "Oh, I get it. Message received.

" So  this happened super fast, so we've got to slow it down. Step one: You assume someone  is out to get you. You interpret what they say as an attack.

They're threatening  your self-worth, your inherent goodness, your character, or your abilities. So  in this situation, Cam must be thinking, "You must think I'm fat. You must think that I'm  lazy or that I'm a glutton.

You're saying that I'm not attractive. That is so rude of you. How  dare you.

Oh, I get it. Message received. " Taking things personally happens when you mind read what  the other person is thinking and you assume that they are attacking you.

You feel threatened.  So in an attempt to create safety, you pull out a lesser-evolved defense mechanism. You try to  protect yourself by taking offense.

Okay. Step two: You try to protect yourself by labeling the  other person as "jerk" and labeling yourself as the innocent victim. You're trying to protect  your vulnerable ego by simultaneously trying to control them while also blaming them, but  without addressing it directly because that may make you look like you're not quite so innocent. 

So you add passive aggression on top of that. And that's how you create this lovely, vindicating  feeling of self-righteousness in the short term. "I didn't say anything.

" So examples of this are the silent  treatment, moping, being moody, um punishing someone by cleaning loudly, uh calling your  sister to complain. Like this can feel really vindicating. "Look at me.

I'm the victim here.  I'm the righteous one. " And then you continue to defend your fragile sense of self.

But this always  leads to step three, which is where you quietly continue your sense of insecurity and isolation,  and you feel drama, like a constant sense of drama. You continue to overthink the problem. You  wonder if you're a bad person.

And you know that the way you're responding is not making things  better. And so taking things personally is an immature defense mechanism. It's an attempt  to create safety when you feel threatened, but it backfires.

You're avoiding being assertive.  You're avoiding asking for what you need or listening to the other person. Um it's poor  boundaries because you're attempting to to control what you can't control, which is what other  people think and how they act.

And this keeps other people walking on eggshells around you.  Plus, it makes it impossible for you to receive constructive criticism, which can help you learn  and grow. So you're trying to protect yourself, but instead you're putting up this like fragile  shell that isolates you from others.

So take a minute right now and think about the last time  you took offense. And you could comment below, why did you take offense? Where did you learn to  do this?

And what did it do for you? What were the secondary gains of taking things personally?  Okay.

So now let's learn a healthier way to create an internal sense of safety. So there are three  steps to stop taking things personally. Clarity, to step number one: Clarity.

Okay. We are going  to check your stories. So with every situation, there are facts, and then there's the story that  we tell ourselves.

The story determines 90% of our emotions. So with my Hermana in Argentina,  the story I told myself was, "She is so rude. why would you insult me by telling me how fat I  am?

" but that story came from my American culture, where being fat is shamed and telling people  they're fat is an insult. After more time in Argentina, I learned that culturally commenting on  people's changes and appearances isn't an insult; it's a sign of closeness. I had people comment  on my weight, my zits, my clothing, my hair - and not in particularly flattering ways.

They were  just being honest. When my story was, "They're insulting me," I felt offended. And when my story  was, "They're showing me affection," it was no big deal.

It was just like a way to connect. We make  assumptions about what people think all the time. Um if you've been hurt or mistreated in the past  you're even more likely to take things personally in the present.

So let's say someone honks at you.  The story machine kicks into gear. "Do they hate me?

Am I a bad driver? No, I'm a great driver.  Everyone else is an idiot.

What's their problem? They are such a jerk. " When in reality, maybe  they just dropped their Skittle and they hit the horn when they bent over to pick it up.

Or maybe  they've got a kid with a broken arm in the back of their van and they just really need to get to  the hospital. So our stories often center around ourselves and our fragile egos, when in reality,  it's not about you. People attack other people because they feel insecure themselves.

People  are short-tempered because they had a bad day or they're traumatized or they're socially oblivious  and they have no idea. It's not about you. Stop trying to control everyone else and force them  to be nice to you.

That is a waste of time. So so there's two important things when it comes to  getting clarity. Number one: Usually you have no evidence that they are threatening your sense of  self.

You are mind reading or you're projecting your own insecurities on them. And then number  two: We only feel threatened in areas where we feel insecure. So our insecurity is about us.

What  they do is about them. So if someone yells at you, "You're a banana," you're not going to take  that personally because you know it's not true. You're very confident that you are not  a banana.

Like you're just going to laugh. But if someone hints that maybe you're not a good  friend, and if you're insecure in that area, you'll take it personally. So here's what to do  about those stories, okay?

Don't be reactive. Slow yourself down. Close your mouth.

Take a breath.  Don't believe everything you think. And then just get curious.

Like other people do not see the  world the way you do. So get curious and be like, "Huh, I wonder what's going on for them that's  making them say that. " And then get clarity.

So instead of your crappy defense mechanism of taking  it personally, try communicating assertively. "Can you clarify what you're saying? " Right?

And in the  long run, get some feedback from a therapist or a wise friend about what your stories are. So if  you can gain some self-awareness, if you can know that you are sensitive about your appearance, then  you'll be able to question the stories that say, "Oh, she's judging my appearance. " Those are the  steps to like really creating clarity around how we think about what other people say.

Okay. Step  two. It's boundaries.

And when I say boundaries, I mean knowing where the other person ends and  you begin. So boundaries are like a fence. Um you know what is on your side of it, and you  know what's on the other side of it.

I think the biggest mental undy-bundle that we all get  wrapped up in is, "Am I a bad person, or is he the jerk? " And then we either reactively take offense  to prove that he is the jerk or we spend hours in our own head going in circles trying to figure  out what's wrong with me. So let's make this simple.

You have two choices: It's not about me,  or it is about me. Now, Brigham Young said, "He who takes offense when offense was not intended  is a fool. Yet he who takes offense when offense is intended is an even greater fool.

" So number  one, it's not about me. Sometimes other people are awful. If someone really is attacking you, it's  probably not about you.

People get cranky because they're sleep deprived or stressed out. People  yell at their kids because they're overwhelmed, not because their kids are bad kids. Some  people just don't know how to communicate better or they're unaware of your needs.

So when  people act mean, irrational, or insensitive, it's usually about them, not you. So the strategy  here is let it go. Trying to change the other person is poor boundaries because it's not your  job.

It's like getting all upset about how your neighbor mows their lawn. So instead of trying to  manipulate the world, instead of trying, needing others to like you or treat you in a certain way,  remind yourself that not everyone will like you or agree with you or act correctly, and that's okay.  Elanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

" But here comes the  next part. What if it is about me? Like what if I do need to improve?

What if I'm not doing a good  job? What if I'm not a good friend? People who struggle with low self-esteem are more likely to  interpret comments or actions as personal attacks, and you may try to create safety by defending  yourself or seeking validation from others.

And this is like a shell of feeling offended, covering  up the recurring feeling of fear of rejection, of fear of abandonment, fear of never being good  enough. Your core beliefs about yourself show up in your assumptions. So what's going on here is  we're trying to protect ourselves by creating external changes, changing the other person  by taking things personally and being passive aggressive.

So let's replace that external attempt  at self-esteem with a much more reliable sense of self. So this is where Brene Brown comes in  clutch. Can you be vulnerable?

Can you be humble? Can you ask, "Is there something I can improve? "  Taking offense is an attempt to defend yourself instead of inspect yourself.

You're trying to  protect your self-image. But like carrying all that armor around doesn't actually make you truly  self. So people who don't take things personally do one of two things.

They either shake it off  or they take the feedback. "You're a fat idiot. " "Yeah.

" "Lose some weight. " Hey, man, you're a  fat moron. " "Oh, yeah, I guess I could lose a few pounds, and I can be kind of thick sometimes.

"  Now, usually these situations are nuanced. So instead of one person being the jerk and the other  person being the innocent one, usually both people have a part. But we're only responsible for our  part.

So stop trying to passively manipulate the world to stop hurting your feelings, and instead  get really clear on what you can and can't control. So my favorite exercise for this is using  a piece of paper - if I can find one - dividing it into two parts. And on the one side you're going  to write um "What I can control," and then on the other side, "What I can't control.

" And on this  side, "What I can't control," you write down all the punky things that the other person is doing  that you don't like. And you write down on this side what you can control. Here's all the things  that I am responsible for.

I can work on being a better friend. I can, you know, choose to eat a  carrot instead of a Twinkie. Whatever that is, okay?

And it's easy to start being like, "Well,  I wouldn't have yelled if he hadn't yelled, and I wouldn't have done this if they hadn't  done this, and I would - " And so here's the next really important part. If you start getting your  undies in a bundle wondering, "Am I the bad one, or is he the bad one? Am I or is he the?

" Right?  You're going to take this piece of paper, you're going to tear it right down the middle, you're  going to take what you can't control, you're going to crumple it up, you're going to throw it in  the garbage. And I missed.

And you're just going to focus on your half of the paper. Okay. That's  the locus of control activity.

Secure people are open to feedback. They seek every opportunity to  learn and grow. So instead of focusing on like, here's what's wrong about you, you can just  ask, "What can I learn from this feedback?

" And that takes us to building a solid foundation of  self-worth. So you take things personally because you're insecure. You're defending yourself because  you're not sure if you're an okay human or not.

So instead of putting energy toward that weak  defense mechanism of taking offense ,let's put that energy toward building a solid foundation  of self-worth. Now, obviously, this is a topic for like 20 videos, but I'm going to give you  the short version in this one. So here's how: Stop trying to control other people by making  everyone else like me or making everyone else be nice to me.

We're going to switch that to an  internal sense of self. What kind of person do I want to be? What kind of character do I value? 

If I feel threatened about my role as a wife, I should ask myself what kind of partner do I want  to be? I want to be supportive, open, confident, tidy, whatever it is, whatever your values are,  you clarify them. And then you put your energy toward being that person instead of trying to  change other people and how they treat you.

As soon as you pivot away from, "He needs to stop  offending me" toward "Hmm, do I actually need to change anything? " the drama like melts away. These  are clear boundaries.

You accept the people that you can't change, and you change the one that you  can. When we build our sense of self on what other people think of us, we are always on shaky ground.  But when we choose the kind of person that we want to be and we work toward that, we feel more  secure.

It doesn't mean that we have to already be that person. Like perfectionism will never make  you feel secure. It's just that you want to get curious and you want to be growth-oriented and you  want to know what you're working for.

So if I'm working toward being more consistent, um I'll feel  okay when I'm on that journey. If you're moving toward your valued direction, that's your sign  that you're okay, that you're doing a good job as a human being. Okay.

So now we've talked about  all the psychology behind why you take things personally and how to replace that crappy defense  mechanism with a more healthy form of security, here's what to do on a practical level. So let's  say someone says something and you're about to take it personally, in the short term, close your  mouth. Don't say anything rash.

Take a breath. Buy yourself some time. You could say something  like, "Oh, thank you for that feedback" or "That's interesting" or "Can you say that again?

" or "Hmm,  I'll think about that. " Then in the medium term, you're going to use assertive communication. You  can ask for clarification if you're not sure about someone's intentions or their meanings, and you  can express your own thoughts and feelings without drama.

So this is also the part where you take the  time to clarify, should I do something about this, or should I let it go? And that's where writing  things down helps you get clarity. In the long term, an internal sense of security comes from  integrity, from being the person who you want to be.

You're so certain of who you are that  you don't need others' approval. You you care about other people's feedback, but only  within your secure foundation because you've clarified your values and you've put your  energy toward living them. So by doing these three steps you can learn to drop your crappy  defense mechanism of taking things personally, and you can replace it with a truly solid sense  of self.

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