Diane Keaton And Justin Bieber Are Having A Moment, And Where Is Dan Scavino?

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

While the feds search for former White House Deputy Chief of Staff Dan Scavino, who appears to be dodging a subpoena from Congress, Stephen is focused on the strange pairing of Diane Keaton and Justin Bieber in a video for Bieber's latest song, "Ghost." #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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Video Transcript:

WELCOME -- WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT AND -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- FOLKS, I'M SO HAPPY TO START OFF WITH SOME GOOD NEWS! WE'VE AVERTED CATASTROPHE BECAUSE EARLIER TODAY SENATE LEADERS AGREED TO A SHORT-TERM DEBT CEILING INCREASE! WHOOOOOO! RAISE THE FINANCIAL ROOF! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS MEANS AMERICA WILL REMAIN SOLVENT AND FREE FROM FINANCIAL CALAMITY, UNTIL... DECEMBER 3. ( LAUGHTER ) WHICH THEY ACKNOWLEDGE IS DOING LITTLE MORE THAN KICKING THE CAN DOWN THE ROAD. THE U.S. SENATE IS SO OLD, THEY THINK "KICK THE CAN" IS THE HOT CHRISTMAS TOY THIS YEAR. ( LAUGHTER ) THAT, AND "HOOP AND STICK." BUT SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS REASSURED AMERICA, SAYING, "AROUND HERE, TWO MONTHS IS A LIFETIME." (AS BERNIE) "WO MONTHS IS A LIFETIME. WE'RE LETTING THE DAYS GO BY LET THE WATER HOLD ME DOWN LETTING THE DAYS GO BY WATER FLOWING UNDERGROUND. INTO THE BLUE AGAIN AFTER THE MONEY'S GONE TWO MONTHS IS A LIFETIME SAME AS IT EVER WAS SAME AS IT EVER WAS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WAS... ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE ALMOST DIDN'T HAVE A GOVERNMENT TO SAVE, THANKS TO FORMER PRESIDENT THE BIG LIE-BOWSKI. ( LAUGHTER ) TODAY, THE SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE RELEASED A NEW REPORT, CALLED "SUBVERTING JUSTICE: HOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS ALLIES PRESSURED D.O.J. TO OVERTURN THE 2020 ELECTION." SO FAR, I'VE ONLY READ THE TITLE PAGE, AND IT SEEMS TO BE ABOUT HOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS ALLIES PRESSURED D.O.J. TO OVERTURN THE 2020 ELECTION. ONE DETAIL THAT I DO KNOW IS THAT AIDES, LIKE CHIEF OF STAFF MARK MEADOWS, WERE PUSHING THE ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL TO MEET WITH RUDY GIULIANI. IT'S A TOUGH SELL. "I'VE SCHEDULED YOU FOR A HIGH-LEVEL LEGAL BRIEFING. IT'S NEXT TO THE DUMPSTER BEHIND THE DISCOUNT DILDO SHOP. LOOK FOR THE GUY WITH THE LEAKY SKULL. HE'S THE GUY I WANT YOU TO MEET MEET." BUT 45 WASN'T GETTING ANY COOPERATION FROM ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL AND THE OLD MAN UNDERNEATH THE MASK IN EVERY EPISODE OF "SCOOBY DOO," JEFFREY ROSEN. ( LAUGHTER ) SO, THE FORMER PRESIDENT HATCHED A PLAN TO REPLACE ROSEN WITH HIS OWN TOADIE, JUSTICE DEPARTMENT ATTORNEY AND BLOB OF SILLY PUTTY PRESSED UP AGAINST THE FACE OF A MAN, JEFFREY CLARK. ROSEN TOLD THE FORMER PRESIDENT THAT THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HAD INVESTIGATED THE ELECTION AND FOUND NO EVIDENCE OF FRAUD. BUT CLARK REACHED A DIFFERENT CONCLUSION, BECAUSE, AS HE SAID, HE SPENT A LOT OF TIME READING ON THE INTERNET. ( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT, AND I DID NOT KNOW THIS, MISSING BALLOTS ARE THE ONE WEIRD TRICK TO CURE BELLY FAT. ( LAUGHTER ) CLARK TOLD ROSEN THAT HE CONVINCED THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO FIRE ROSEN SO CLARK COULD TAKE HIS PLACE. AS ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL. BUT ROSEN SAID, "I DON'T BELIEVE YOU." SO, ON JANUARY 3, CLARK AND ROSEN WENT TO THE OVAL OFFICE FOR A MEETING. THE FORMER PRESIDENT BEGAN THAT MEETING WITH THIS SNIDE COMMENT: "ONE THING WE KNOW IS YOU, ROSEN, AREN'T GOING TO DO ANYTHING TO OVERTURN THE ELECTION." THAT WAS HIS IDEA OF A NEGATIVE EMPLOYEE REVIEW. ( LAUGHTER ) (AS BOSS REVIEWING) "CHAD, I'VE GOT TO SAY, YOUR QUARTERLY REPORTS ARE STELLAR, BUT I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE A GOOD FIT FOR OUR COMPANY, BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO DISMEMBER MY ENEMIES." ( LAUGHTER ) BUT ROSEN HAD AN ACE IN THE HOLE-- IF HE WAS FIRED, THE D.O.J.'S LEADERS HAD ALL AGREED TO RESIGN, LEADING THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO CONCLUDE THAT ANY ATTENTION ON HIS BASELESS CLAIMS OF VOTER FRAUD WOULD BE ECLIPSED BY A FUROR OVER MASS RESIGNATIONS AT THE TOP OF THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT. SO HE WORRIED ONE AWFUL THING WOULD BE OVERSHADOWED BY ANOTHER AWFUL THING. JUST LIKE DON JR AND ERIC. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) LONG WALK. ( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: A LONG WALK. ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OVER IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, THEY'RE DOING THEIR OWN INVESTIGATION INTO THE ELECTION-STEALING PLANS OF LARDO CALTREASIAN. THEY'RE LOOKING INTO THE CAPITOL RIOT, AND WHO ON THE INSIDE KNEW ABOUT IT. BUT THEY'RE HITTING A SNAG, BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S AIDES ARE TRYING TO DODGE JANUARY 6 SUBPOENAS. AND THEY'RE HAVING REAL TROUBLE WITH ONE GUY IN PARTICULAR-- FORMER WHITE HOUSE DEPUTY CHIEF OF STAFF DAN SCAVINO, SEEN HERE BEING GUILTY. ( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR, THEY'VE BEEN UNABLE TO PHYSICALLY SERVE THE SUBPOENA TO SCAVINO, BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FIND HIM. HAS ANYONE TRIED LOOKING IN HERE? ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) WHAT? WHAT? ( PIANO RIFF ) IT'S A LOGICAL PLACE TO LOOK! THEY ALL SPEND A LOT OF TIME UP THERE, AND IT'S MORE SPACIOUS THAN IS A DAM'S SPIDER HOLE. REPUBLICANS ARE EVEN UNDERMINING THE ELECTION OF OTHER REPUBLICANS. CASE IN POINT: THIS WEEK, IDAHO'S GOVERNOR LEFT THE STATE, SO HIS LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR TOOK POWER AND BANNED STATE VACCINE MANDATES. IDAHO, THAT'S NOT HOW A LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR IS SUPPOSED TO TAKE OVER! NEW YORKERS KNOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT PATIENTLY UNTIL YOUR BOSS IS ACCUSED OF DECADES OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT, BLAMES IT ON BEING ITALIAN, AND THEN RESIGNS, JUST IN TIME TO RUN AGAIN, ANYWAY. LA( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) SEE, THERE WAS A MEETING OF REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS IN TEXAS, ATTENDED BY IDAHO GOVERNOR AND THE STUD MUFFIN OF FARMERSONLY.COM, BRAD LITTLE. WHILE HE WAS OUT OF STATE POWER WAS SEIZED BY LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR AND WOMAN WHO SWEARS TO TELL THE TOOTH, THE WHOLE TOOTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TOOTH, JANICE MCGEAHIN. MCGEAHIN WAS ABLE TO ASSUME TEMPORARY POWER BECAUSE IDAHO'S CONSTITUTION REQUIRES THE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR TO TAKE OVER WHEN THE GOVERNOR IS OUT OF STATE. AND IF BOTH OF THEM ARE OUT OF STATE, POWER PASSES TO A POTATO WITH GOOGLY EYES. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SURE, FRONTRUNNER. 2024. POTATO. MCGEAHIN INSISTED SHE WAS JUST DOING HER JOB. >> WE ARE THE SECOND-IN-COMMAND OF THE STATE OF IDAHO, THAT IF ANYTIME THE GOVERNOR LEAVES THE STATE, OR GOD FORBID, SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO THE GOVERNOR-- AND WE PRAY FOR HIS SAFETY AND WELL-BEING EVERY DAY-- THAT I NEED, I WOULD BE THE COMMANDER OF THE STATE. >> STEPHEN: JANICE? NO ONE ASKED YOU WHETHER YOU WERE PRAYING FOR HIS SAFETY. "I PRAY FOR HIS BRAKE CABLES EVERY DAY, BECAUSE, LORD KNOWS HOW, MY BOLT CUTTERS END UP UNDER HIS CAR. EVERY DAY." NOW, IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY THESE TWO REPUBLICANS ARE FEUDING? IN IDAHO, THE GOVERNOR AND LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR DON'T RUN ON THE SAME TICKET, AND IN THE NEXT ELECTION, MCGEAHIN IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR. SHE'S GUNNIN' FOR HER BOSS'S JOB! THAT'S LIKE A BABYSITTER WATCHING THE PARENTS DRIVE OFF, AND GOING, "KIDS, CALL ME MOMMY." SPEAKING OF IDAHO, CANADA! ARE THERE ANY BELIEBERS HERE TONIGHT? ( CHEERING ) I'M A HUGE JUSTIN-HEAD MYSELF, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SHOW FIVE YEARS AGO, AND CANCELLED, AND HAS NEVER COME BACK. CLAIMED HE WAS SICK, AND WAS PHOTOGRAPHED THE NEXT DAY SKATEBOARDING. I DON'T KNOW. I ASSUME HE HAD SKATEBOARD FEVER. ANYWAY, BIG FAN. ( LAUGHTER ) WHICH IS WHY I'M SO EXCITED THAT HE JUST DROPPED A TEASER FOR HIS NEW MUSIC VIDEO, THAT HAS A SURPRISING GUEST STAR. SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT HER. HERE'S A HINT: IT'S DIANE KEATON. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ >> STEPHEN: YES. DIANE KEATON. AND BASED ON THAT CLIP, SHE EITHER PLAYS BIEBER'S LOVE INTEREST, HIS MOM, OR "DIANE KEATON WHO WANDERED ONTO THE SET OF A JUSTIN BIEBER VIDEO." HARD TO TELL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DON'T KNOW. DO YOU KNOW? I DON'T KNOW. I'M A HUGE FAN. LOVE DIANE KEATON. THE VIDEO IS FOR THE BIEBS' NEW SONG, "GHOST," AND APPARENTLY, KEATON'S APPEARANCE IN THE VIDEO HAS LEFT JUSTIN BIEBER FANS "CONFUSED." ( LAUGHTER ) THEN THEY'RE NOT REAL FANS! TRUE BELIEBERS KNOW THAT DIANE KEATON HAS ACTUALLY BEEN IN ALL JUSTIN BIEBER'S VIDEOS. WHO COULD FORGET THIS CLASSIC? ♪ AND IT WAS LIKE BABY, BABY, BABY, OHHH LIKE, BABY, BABY, BABY, NO LIKE... >> LA-DI-DA, LA-DI-DA, LA-LA, YEAH ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: REMEMBER, THIS ISN'T THE ACTUAL MUSIC VIDEO. THIS IS JUST THE TRAILER FOR THE MUSIC VIDEO. WHICH IS A GROWING TREND. RECENTLY, ADELE DROPPED A 20-SECOND TRAILER FOR HER NEW SONG, AND THE JONAS BROTHERS PREVIEWED THEIR NEW SINGLE WITH AN EIGHT-SECOND CLIP ON INSTAGRAM. BUT MUSIC VIDEOS ARE REALLY ADS FOR WHOLE ALBUMS. NOW THERE ARE TEASERS FOR THE ADS? THIS WHOLE THING SEEMS RIDICULOUS. >> JON: YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT, STEPHEN! IT'S CRAZY. >> STEPHEN: JON, YOU AGREE WITH ME? >> JON: I DO. PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE WATCHING TEASERS FOR MUSIC VIDEOS... UNTIL THEY SEE THE TRAILER FOR THE TEASER! ( LAUGHTER ) CHECK OUT MY WORLD PREMIERE TRAILER FOR THE TEASER FOR THE MUSIC VIDEO OF MY NEW SONG! (PIANO NOTE SUSTAINED) ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW. WOW. BEAUTIFUL. YOU TOUCHED ME. YOU TOUCHED ME. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I'M TRYING TO DO WHAT I CAN HERE, YOU KNOW? >> Stephen: NOT ONLY IS THAT BEAUTIFUL, BUT IT REVEALS NOTHING. I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR THE NEW SONG. WHEN DOES IT COME OUT? >> JON: I DON'T KNOW. I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IT YET. >> STEPHEN: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE DR. SANJAY GUPTA AND "DUNE" DIRECTOR DENIS VILLENEUVE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" AND DIAN KEATON. ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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