Aliens Banned All Humans, Then Discovered Why That Was a Mistake | HFY

the galactic Council chamber buzzed with an air of self- congratulatory superiority that could have powered a small Sun representatives from over 300 species had gathered for what they believed would be the most important vote in Council history the complete ban of humanity from Galactic Affairs high counselor zix 427 beta a crystalline being who prided himself on his perfectly arranged geometric angles tapped his resonance Rod against the quantum Crystal Podium the chambers excited chatter dim to a respectful hum fellow beings of superior evolutionary standing he began his facets gleaming with barely concealed satisfaction we are gathered here today to address the ongoing situation with Humanity A Chorus of disapproving clicks whistles and electromagnetic pulses filled the chamber several methane breathing delegates released clouds of particularly noxious gas to show their distaste just like last week zix continued a human cargo pilot fixed a Quantum Drve with something called duct tape and paper clips paper clips his crystalline structure briefly destabilized from agitation the drive's efficiency improved by 47% unnatural shouted ambassador bloy from the gelatinous Confederation their translucent form Rippling with indignation they solve problems by not following proper procedures indeed zix agreed and let us not forget the incident at the Diplomatic Academy where a human instructor suggested that sometimes the best response to a crisis is to and I quote wing it he paused for effect wing it the chamber erupted in horrified gasps a silicon-based life form actually cracked from shock they're completely unpredictable added Grand matriarch squish of the amoeba Collective her pseudopods waving frantically yesterday one of them looked at our most efficient production line and suggested we add something called music to improve worker morale the very idea that our perfectly organized system could be improved by random sound frequencies and they keep making jokes during serious situations chittered representative XX of the hive mind Consortium how can we trust a species that laughs at danger zix 4 27 beta raised his resonance Rod again the motion before us is clear Earth shall be quarantined all humans currently in Galactic space shall be returned to their home world and Humanity shall be banned from all Galactic Affairs until they evolve into a more predictable species the vote was almost unanimous only the chaos Engineers of Dimension Pi abstained muttering something about appreciating Humanity's Style as the chambers cleared the various Representatives congratulated each other on their wisdom and foresight several suggested holding a celebration to Mark the beginning of a new era of proper procedure and predictability finally zck said to his assistant the Galaxy can return to running as it should logically methodically and without any of those human Innovations or improvisations he had no idea just how wrong he was it took exactly three standard galactic weeks for things to start going wrong at first the issues were so minor that the council dismissed them as statistical anomalies the rellian transport Authority reported that their perfectly calculated trade routes were experiencing delays nothing major just ships arriving minutes later than their scheduled times the Authority's quantum computers recalculated The Roots 17 times each calculation more perfect than the last yet somehow the delays kept growing perhaps suggested a junior analyst we should try asking the captains why silence snapped his supervisor a proud rellian with precisely measured tentacles the calculations are perfect reality must adjust accordingly reality it seemed had other plans in the mechanized sectors the Drne maintenance Guild was facing an unprecedented crisis simple repair tasks that their automated systems had performed flawlessly for centuries were taking longer and longer worse the success rate had dropped from 99. 99999% to an absolutely horrifying 99. 9999 8% it's as if the machines are becoming less intuitive reported chief engineer bolt X9 their Optical sensors flickering with distress yesterday a repair drone spent 6 hours trying to fix a stuck door in the end it simply couldn't figure out that the door was just slightly misaligned but that's what humans used to do whispered another engineer they would look at it hit it in precisely the wrong spot according to all specifications and somehow it would work we do not speak of their crude methods boltex 9 declared our systems are perfect they just need more precise programming meanwhile across the Galaxy the unified Space Station Network was experiencing ing bizarre malfunctions life support systems would hiccup for no apparent reason artificial gravity would randomly reverse itself food synthesizers began producing everything with a slight taste of what humans had called Brussels sprouts the Central Computer of station Delta 459 actually developed what could only be described as anxiety I don't know what's wrong it reported to its administrators all my systems check out perfectly but something feels off high counselor zigs 427 beta was receiving increasingly worried reports from every sector of space during a private meeting with his advisers his perfectly arranged geometric angles had developed a distinct wobble it's nothing to worry about he assured them though his crystalline structure sparkled with nervous energy these are merely temporary adjustments as the Galaxy returns to its natural logical state without human chaos just then the chamber's environmental controls went haywire the temperature cycled randomly between freezing and tropical while the artificial gravity began to pulse like a dubstep beat see zck said his voice cracking as he tried to maintain his dignity while floating upside down everything is perfectly fine we just need to be patient while the universe remembers how to function properly without human irregularity a maintenance drone rolled past the chamber's window repeatedly bumping into the same wall and backing up bumping and backing up trapped in an infinite Loop of indecision nobody wanted to admit it but a terrible suspicion was beginning to form perhaps the Galaxy had grown more dependent on human unpredictability than anyone had realized the true Crisis began in the most dreaded sector of Galactic Civilization the department of administrative affairs for eons the department had prided itself on having the most comprehensive thorough and mind-numbingly complex bureaucratic system in known space every form had at least 12 copies each requiring unique signatures in different colors of quantum Inc the first sign of trouble came when administrator Plex V8 a hyper organized being made entirely of filing cabinets noticed that form 27 B6 subsection gamma the one that granted permiss to file a request to submit an application was taking longer than the standard 43 days to process most irregular Plex V8 muttered shuffling through a stack of papers that would have reached the height of a small Moon most irregular indeed then came the Revelation That Shook the foundations of Galactic bureaucracy a junior Clark while diving through ancient records literally the archives Department was underwater discovered a horrified truth humans had been processing 60% of all Galactic paperwork but but how sputtered senior director Buck rat their whiskers twitching in distress their methods were completely unorthodox the answer it turned out was simple humans had mastered the art of skimming getting the gist and most terrifyingly cutting through red tape they had developed an almost Supernatural ability to know which forms actually mattered and which ones could be creatively reinterpreted you mean they weren't reading every single word of the 17 volume preliminary application guide gasped assistant subdeep manager form filler nearly dropping their ceremonial rubber stamp the crisis reached its peak when the central processing Hub received its first Post-It note a mysterious human artifact discovered stuck to an important document the entire facility had to be evacuated and quarantined for decontamination desperate species began demanding Solutions the hive mind Consortium sent a strongly worded petition in triplicate naturally demanding immediate action the quantum beings of sector 7 filed a formal complaint about the formal complaint system not processing their formal complaints about the complaint system in a particularly dramatic incident Ambassador blup attempted to speed up the process by absorbing several thousand forms into their gelatinous Mass they had to be rushed to medical facilities suffering from acute bureaucratic poisoning babbling about terms and conditions and filing deadlines the council hastily convened an emergency session to address the crisis it took 3 weeks just to process the paperwork required to schedule the emergency meeting about the paperwork crisis perhaps suggested one Brave counselor we could simplify the system the chamber fell So Silent you could hear a Quantum particle drop heresy shrieked administrator Plex V8 their filing cabinet drawers rattling in horror the system is perfect it's reality that must be wrong meanwhile in a Dusty corner of the archives an ancient computer terminal sparked to life its screen displayed a single message error 404 common sense not found please reinstall human.

XA to continue normal operations the situation reached absurd New Heights when the department of redundancy Department accidentally duplicated itself 16 times while trying to file a report about duplicate files each copy insisted it was the original and demanded the others fill out forms proving otherwise high counselor zix 427 beta whose geometric angles had now developed a distinct lean tried to maintain order we just need to implement a new system to manage the system that manages the system he insisted his crystalline structure now resembling abstract art more than sacred geometry in the background a lone printer continued to spew out forms each one requiring 12 signatures 15 stamps and at least one existential crisis to process a small sign appeared next to it written in what appeared to be human handwriting PC load letter what the does that mean as the bureaucratic crisis reached its peak a more Insidious problem was brewing across the Galaxy quite literally in fact as the last reserves of human produced coffee ran dry few species had realized just How Deeply Humanity's favorite stimulant had integrated itself into Galactic Society the first signs appeared in the Diplomatic core where negotiations that once took mere decades were now stretching into centuries I just can't focus without my morning cup of joe complained Ambassador xylophone of the musical spheres their harmonious tones distinctly flat how did we ever negotiate anything before humans introduced us to this miraculous Bean Juice the galactic Historical Society made a startling Discovery humans had been secretly operating an informal diplomatic network based entirely around coffee breaks crucial treaties had been signed Wars had been prevented and trade deals worth trillions had been negotiated all over a simple cup of coffee the science division attempted to synthesize substitutes with disastrous results the Molecular Gastronomy Department of centor prime created something they called not coffee which had the unexpected side effect of making everyone speak backwards for 3 Days the artificial flavor Engineers of Beetle juu produced a substance that was technically similar to coffee but caused drinkers to temporarily develop a crushing existential dread about the nature of reality but that's just regular coffee protested one researcher before being hushed by their colleagues even the mighty hivm mind consortium's attempt at Coffee synthesis went horribly wrong their version dubbed think fast juice gave drinkers the ability to perceive all possible Futures simultaneously but only regarding their next bathroom break productivity across all sectors plummeted the once bustling Halls of the central bureaucracy now resembled a zombie apocalypse with blur eyed officials shuffling aimlessly between meetings muttering about their Kingdom for an espresso in desperation the council authorized an expedition to Earth's quarantine Zone to study wild coffee plants the mission report came back with a single sentence the plants refused to grow without human sarcasm and complaining the black market for genuine Earth Coffee became more valuable than dark matter one desperate administrator traded an entire solar system for a single Coffee Bean only to discover it was actually a painted Pebble the insuring rage nearly triggered an Interstellar War but nobody had the energy to file the proper paperwork to start it high counselor zix's 427 beta whose geometric angles now resembled a modern art interpretation of a migraine called yet another emergency session perhaps he suggested his crystalline structure drooping we could try that human invention called tea the resulting Riot took 3 days to calm down mostly because everyone was too caffeine deprived to Riot effectively several species attempted to adapt by evolving coffee production organs but only succeeded in giving themselves the ability to feel Monday Mornings existentially in the deepest reaches of space a lone vending machine that once dispensed coffee now dispensed only sadness and error messages its display screen flickered with a haunting message out of order out of coffee out of Hope the Galaxy was learning a harsh lesson civilization ran on caffeine and Humanity were its Master Brewers the next Crisis hit the Galaxy's technology sector like a malfunctioning Quantum torpedo the advanced research and development division of the galactic Science Institute noticed that new patent submissions had dropped by 73. 4 2% since the human ban more alarmingly the few new inventions being submitted were distressingly logical look at this Chief Innovation officer processor X complained waving a holographic blueprint it's a new faster than light drive that follows All the known laws of physics where's the creativity where's the blatant disregard for the impossible a review of past breakthroughs revealed an unsettling pattern humans had been responsible for most of the Galaxy's impossible Innovations usually preceded by phrases like hey watch this or I wonder what happens if the artificial intelligence Research Center attempted to create an algorithm that could replicate human style Innovation the AI promptly had what could only be described as an existential breakdown but why would anyone try something that has a 99. 9% chance of failure it wailed the remaining 0.