Mel Robbins: The 'Let Them Theory' (Transform Your Life by Creating Boundaries Unlocking Peace)

if you allow yourself to constantly get stressed out managing what you will never be able to control you will never see the power that you have success and happiness and friendship and love these are all things that are in Limitless Supply the truth about life is that you're not actually playing against other people you're playing with them the most widely booked and followed podcast host and best-selling author I'm speaking about the one and only Mel Robbins your single most valuable resources are time and energy because where you spend your time and what you pour your

energy into determines the quality of your life the reason why I didn't have a lot of time is because I was spending it getting worked up about stupid things it's not your job to make excuses for somebody it's not your job to take away somebody's disappointment or sadness you need to let them and when you do it it's the ultimate boundaries I think this is my legacy yeah it's beautiful in this moment I feel called to share this and I hey my friend LS house here if you are struggling to owning your power and fully

stepping into your life's biggest potential and your biggest dreams and you want to take your power back this episode is for you we have the inspiring Mel Robbins on the show who is launching a massive movement around taking your power back and it's all about let them let them let them and if you feel like there are people in your life that are holding you down this is the episode for you get ready for a massive interview with tons of wisdom tons of research and inspiring stories that will serve you in your life today make

sure to like this video right now leave a comment of your biggest takeaway and please subscribe to our channel here on YouTube because we have some massive guests coming up and I want to make sure you're the first to see them again let's dive into this episode with the one and only M Robbins welcome back everyone in the school of gradness very excited about our guest we have the inspiring the incredible Mel Robbins in the house so good to see you Mel Louis thanks for being here I love you love you let's just start with

that appreciate I appreciate you this is going to be a big moment for everyone watching and listening because you've got a new book out called love let them theory that is taken the World by storm uh a video you posted I think it was a couple years ago that that changed people's lives and continues toh and there's one thing that I wanted to ask you to start that I think you have a unique perspective on that most people don't you've spoken all over the world you're one of the biggest speakers in the world you've got

one of the biggest podcasts in the world your social media has exponentially grown to A Whole New Heights in the last few years and you get to hear everyday people's perspective on what holds them back the most when you're speaking on stage in different cities and different countries people of different class classes different demographics different Financial um statuses and you're you're hearing young people old people moms dads kids you're hearing people of all walks of life and what I want to know is what is everyone's biggest problem today what is the biggest thing that holds

everyone back is it a physical thing is it an emotional thing is it relationships is it money is it something in their mind what is the number one thing you hear from everyone in the world that only you have a unique perspective respective on that is one hell of a question mhm and I can't wait to hear your response when I tell you what it is okay no I'm serious okay because I didn't see this until two years ago and what's interesting is that we all think we know what is holding us back and we

describe it whether it's money or time or I'm exhausted or I'm stuck or it's my past or it's my mindset and it's not that at all if you're not happy if you don't have what you want in life if you're exhausted tired stuck or overwhelmed the problem isn't what you think it is in fact the problem isn't you the problem is the power you are unknowingly giving to other people and I didn't see it I didn't didn't see this until about two years ago when there was this just kind of random thing that happened to

me and I was I'll I'll tell you the quick story and then we can get into the let them Theory and how you've made other people a problem and there are eight key ways that you have turned other people into the biggest obstacle in your life and other people should be one of the greatest sources of inspir ation and connection and joy and love and instead they are a constant source of stress and frustration and energy drain and they do not have to be and it is this invisible obstacle that is in everybody's way that

is stealing your time is stealing your energy and you don't even realize it and there's a totally different way to go through life and so first I'm going to tell you the story about how I had this life-changing Insight so I uh have three kids 25-year-old 23-year-old both girls and a 19-year-old son and our two daughters had had gone through the prom right twice and let's talk about a nightmare okay if you if you ever want to experience high stress do a high school prom with a daughter and you will experience five months of drama

around dresses and spray tans and makeup and nails and restaurants and limos and who they're going to go and the proposals and I mean it's literally what the unbelievable you basically need a colonic and a spa day after the whole thing is over in therapy for 3 months because of the buildup so I just figured we've gone through this thing four times already with our daughters when Oakley rolls around got to be a breeze completely wrong it was almost worse because yes because he was so non-committal and you know everybody that's got a brother or

a son or you know is a dude is like yeah uhhuh he wasn't sure he was going to go right ask I know and like don't you want to go and I'm starting to kind of needle him about it I don't know and then all of a sudden Lou two days before the thing he's like all right I'm going and now we have to find a tux and we live in the middle of nowhere in Vermont and he wants a certain kind of Adidas shoes that we got to find online and get shipped and then

he's going to all of a sudden ask some chick he doesn't know and what course this that the other and so we get to the night of prom and by the way in the middle of these 48 Hours Chris and I have been talked into now hosting the post prom at our house and so it was just this crazy Whirlwind and so we go to this party that happens before prom where everybody's taking the photos and we walk in and we meet his date and we're Milling about and talking to other parents and then all

of a sudden out of nowhere it starts to rain and by rain I mean pouring rain we live in the mountain so it just kind of comes in and out but it was not in the forecast so you've got 20 kids in Black Tie and heels now in the middle of the Woods in pouring rain and the parents are starting to get on edge and I turn to Oakley and I'm like dude like where are you guys going for dinner he's like dinner what do you mean I'm like you don't have plans for dinner PR

doesn't serve for two what do you do I don't know and so I turned to Chris I'm like they don't have plans for dinner he's like I guess not it didn't bother Chris but for some reason I'm now starting to get stressed why I don't know it's not your life correct I'll explain why I was getting stressed so I start to go okay well let me help and so I start looking for a reservation some other moms and dads start trying to figure things out and I'm like I can't find anything and the rain's getting

worse and worse and I turn to Oak and I'm like I can't find anything well we're just going to go to the Taco Stand and I'm like the tacos dude it's outside you're going to get so and I start to just feel the stress coming up and my daughter Kendall who lives here in Los Angeles was home from college and she reached out and grabbed my armls and kind of pulled me toward her and she's like mom you're being so annoying and I was like but but but and she's like Mom let him do what

he wants and I'm like but he's gonna get so let him go to the Taco set but there's no room but and and she kept saying let him let him let him and every objection where was like his shoes are going to get soaked her heels are going to get ruined her dress the this the that and finally she just just was like let them do what they want it's their prom not yours and there is something Lis about that moment of the cascading let them let them let them let them that it was almost

like the final one was a sledgehammer that hit me and I just felt my whole body release and I kind of thought well why do I care about this why am I not worried about where I'm eating and so so I felt myself just detached I felt a sense of Peace take over and I walked up to Oakley and he turned he's like now what and I'm like nothing dude here's 40 bucks go have fun and you then saw him drop his shoulders and smile and wow thanks Mom and he and his date ran out

the door and sure enough mud all over the back of her dress and his shoes were ruined and they were soaking wet by the time they got to his truck it was super cute wow and so I went home I went to bed and then the next morning I was at like a garden center you know if you ever go to like a big store and there's a garden center sure and so you're standing there in line there's like five people in front of us and there's one cashier beep beep beep pause for small talk

small town for yeah and if you've ever been in line at a grocery store and the lines are backing up and there's no one else coming to the front and there's no announcement getting made what happens you start to feel the stress rise and then you start to rock and you feel agitated and impatient and suddenly you think you can run a grocery store better than anybody else and you know and you're starting to turn to the person behind you and you're like rolling your eyes and can you believe this and I felt it coming

and I said let them let them run the store however they want and I get home and I open up the door and the dog has puked right in that entryway let him but you I'm dead serious and so all day long whether it was traffic backing up or I send a text to somebody and they send like something sort of passive let them and I started to feel this instant lever of peace and I started to feel the sense of protection from all this stupid stuff that I was allowing to drain my energy and

to waste my time and if you stop and think about it your single most valuable resources are time and energy because where you spend your time and what you pour your energy into determines the quality of your life and what I started to notice very very very quickly like within 24 hours is that the reason why I didn't have a lot of time is because I was spending it getting worked up about stupid things the reason why my energy was so drained is because I was allowing other people's behavior or things that were happening around

me to actually drain my energy and saying let them became this lever I could pull any moment where I felt my time and attention getting sucked towards something that truly wasn't worth my time and energy or didn't matter or more importantly beyond my control because the dogs already thrown up so I can't control what just happened and as you talk about all the time and as lots of people talk about it's not about what's happening it's about how you respond to it and the problem that I've always had with stoicism or letting it go or

principles that are about being more peaceful and boundaries is that the I never knew how to apply it like let's take the concept of Let It Go I don't want to let it go because it feel well I'll tell you why it feels like I'm losing you know when somebody says to you Louis you just got to let it go they're basically saying you lose so stop worrying about it uhhuh that person won you got to let it go what if there's an example of like okay someone in your company steals a 100 Grand from

you or does or takes something from you or does something that you're like do I just let it go well it's a great question do I just let them take whatever they want do I just let them that's a fabulous all over me because that actually happened to me so I had two things happen in my company one where we had a contractor that literally stole our database and lied about a campaign that we thought we were paying for that was going on and it never actually happened and they presented fake data now I have

to let them because it happened and I didn't know until I discovered it too late but there's a second part to this Theory because of course I'm going to get upset and I'm going to be pissed off but allowing myself to stay in that state of AG what I know is it doesn't allow me to leverage this part of my brain to then respond and that's the second part of this theory that I discovered which is once you say let them you detach from the thing you can't control because the other thing that happened to

me leis and I think I've shared the story with you before is that I was also the victim of a big wire fraud fraud scam $350,000 a scam uh that's very common in the real estate business where somebody breaks into a server and just intercepts emails and then changes Bing information is a lot no kidding but by the time I figured it out the money was gone gone gone and the more upset that you get about something the less you use well the more upset that you get about something the faster you lose your ability

to think critically it's true and so when you say let them it's like allowing something without allowing it it's recognizing that there is something that happened to there is a person in your life that's doing something that's pissing you off or annoying you or stressing you out or worrying you but you have no control over that and so yes react but at some point you got to go let them because it helps you recognize and accept the reality and detach yeah it's already happened and detach most importantly from what you can't control so what's the

second part then let me let me choose what I'm going to do and when you say let me you do something crazy powerful first of all you take responsibility for how you're going to address this and let's look at the word responsibility it's the ability to respond and when you say let me you are reminding yourself that in life there are only three things Lewis you can control only three things number one you can control what you think next mhm MH number two you can control what you do or you don't do next and often

times doing nothing is way more powerful than doing something and number three you can control what you're going to do with the emotions that you feel and when you say let me in any situation you detach from the things you cannot control and you remind yourself that no matter what is happening around me or to me I always have power because through my thoughts and through my actions and through the processing of my emotion I can positively impact or change what's happening for the better and if you allow yourself to constantly get stressed out or

waste your time by managing what you will never be able to control you will never see the power that you have and so this gets back to the question that you asked which is what is the single biggest thing that is in everybody's way and the single biggest thing that is in everybody's way is the power you unknowingly give to other people and there are all there are four main ways that you're doing it and it is blocking your ability to have be happy it is blocking your ability to make decisions that are aligned with

what you want it is blocking your ability to leverage your time for the things that you care about it is keeping you from pursuing the things that you're capable of doing in your life and it is also draining your time and the four big ways that you've turned other people into a problem number one you allow them to stress you out number two you're so concerned about what everybody else thinks it is a massive obstacle in your way because you consider it before you do anything number three you navigate your entire life based on other

people's emotional reactions and you allow emotional immaturity in other people and in yourself to dominate how you move through your day and number four your habit of chronically looking over there and comparing yourself makes you feel like life is unfair and that other people are against you or competing with you and all four of those things are simply not true and you can use the let them Theory to remove all four of those obstacles and when you no longer allow people to stress you out you have more energy when you allow people you let them

think negative thoughts about you because you recognize you can't control what they think anyway it frees you up to focus on what's within your control which is what you think about yourself and when you operate in a way Lewis that makes you proud of yourself you authentically don't really care if people have a negative opinion when it comes to emotional immaturity so many of us are driven by guilt or we're scared to disappoint people or we don't want to let people down or we think it's our job to make other people happy and when you

organize your life around managing another adults feelings you become the parent to another human being mhm and there's a much easier way let them let them be disappointed let them be upset let them be sad that you're doing something that they wanted you to do but you're not going to do it let them be an adult and let them deal with themselves and the fourth one is when you spend tons of time comparing yourself to other people and look comparison is normal comparing yourself to other people is isn't the problem it's what you're doing with

it that is and so using the let them Theory you got to let other people be successful because right now what's happening is when you see somebody else succeeding or happy or they're pregnant or they're engaged or they're doing whatever they're you know building some Big Brand and you tell yourself oh my God you know they're they've already done what I wanted to do I'm too late you know because they've done it now I can't do it you actually are working against the laws of the world because success and happiness and joy and friendship and

love these are all things that are in Limitless Supply and the truth about life is that you're not actually playing against other people you're playing with them and when you turn other people into a problem and you look at other people's success or happiness or the things that they've achieved or experienced in their lives as evidence that you won't have it you're working against the natural order of things other people can't actually block your way only you can do that and if you let people show you the way if you let them inspire you if

you let them reveal the formula to success now you're learning from people instead of turning people into a problem that is blocking you from doing what you're capable of and those are the four ways that you have turned other people into a problem and you have allowed other people and your desire to control them or to manage them or the sense that you have this responsibility to make everybody else happy and you've forgotten about the one person whose job it is that you are supposed to be making happy which is you kind of cool huh

very cool so this was a kind of an Awakening with your son and your daughter uh-huh well it started at the prom which two years ago this MH when you were able to have this kind of Awakening couple years ago how much of these things were you doing that were holding you back for everything really everything I didn't see this see it's sort of like you and I both have dyslexia I didn't discover that I had dyslexia and ADHD till I was 47 right because my and I found out the way most women do my

son was getting evaluated for school and I'm like you're like oh I think I have the same thing here yeah yeah you see and if you don't know the problem then you have no access to solving it and for years Lewis I thought that the primary thing that I was struggling with was anxiety because when you have dyslexia or ADHD and it's not diagnosed or addressed the thing that rises to the surface is anxiety and anxiety wasn't my problem anxiety was a symptom why do you think you had anxiety Then or why do you think

anxiety was showing up for you in your life oh well it's it's very simple like if you're sitting in a classroom and your brain can't do what everybody else you know can do and you're falling behind you'll feel anxious of course because you're you're uncertain and anxiety in my mind is just a situation where you feel like there's an unknown right and you add in this belief that you're not capable of figuring it out and the problem is that when something feels overwhelming or you don't know or things feel a little out of control we

focus on that and then we start worrying versus focusing on the fact that you're actually capable of figuring something out that's all that anxiety is it's this separation with the power inside you and then of course your body has this alarm system and when something is happening in in the moment or it's about to happen and you get nervous because you're uncertain or you're afraid of how things are going to turn out or you're afraid that the teacher is going to call on you right the alarm system in your body goes off and then you

separate yourself from your power because you always have the ability to figure something out and if for somebody who starts to struggle chronically with anxiety what ends up happening is that you start to when you feel nervous in your body which by the way it is a mentally healthy response if you're a dyslexic kid in a classroom and you don't know what the hell's going on to feel nervous yes that's a sign that you're things are working well because the alarm is trying to tell you something's not right MH and then we feel the alarm

and we don't know what the issue is so then we make a major mistake instead of dropping into the alarm which is always in your body we go upstairs to our heads which is where self-doubt is and then you start going oh my God oh my God my God which only makes the alarm bigger I didn't know any of this back then so I of course went from a dyslexic and ADHD kid to somebody that develops anxiety because I'm sitting in a classroom thinking I'm an idiot and you want to know the kid that works

the hardest in school the one who's struggling not the kids that are getting straight A it's easy for them yes yeah even if they're working hard it's still easy to come by yes it's the kid who isn't able to learn in that way and is terrified of being found out like you don't have to tell a kid that's struggling in school that like telling somebody to work harder is dumb because it's not an issue of willpower it's an issue of I don't have the skills right now and when you're in that situation where you can't

in fact there's a there's a doctor that was on our show two weeks ago that you got to have on his name is Doctor Stuart ablon and Louis he said this sentence he's been at Mass General Brigham for 30 years incredible child psychiatrist he says people do well when they can and if somebody's not doing well and they're exhibiting challenging Behavior it's because they're missing one of a few skills and he's been able to identify it down into five skills and one of the tragic things about his work with kids that he sees over and

over is that it's not the kid's fault and if you don't know what the skill is that you need whether it's communicating or impulse control or it is uh the ability to learn in the way that your brain's being asked to learn these are all things that can be addressed if you don't know what the skill is that's missing you will continue to struggle yes and we live in a world where if you're struggling or you're presenting challenging Behavior we punish you or you tell you to work harder whatever might be or you punish yourself

oh yeah you shame and guilt and all yeah and so the let them theory is the exact same thing because it is a skill to be able to identify what's in your control and what's not in your control and is a skill anybody can learn and you need to learn it because human beings at our core we have a fundamental hardwired need for control it makes us feel safe so if you really think about this like you need to feel in control of your decisions you need to feel in control of your environment you need

to feel in control of what's going to happen in the future or at work today and we also try to make ourselves feel safe by what controlling the people around us and this is in all of us I have this need to be in control you have this need to be in control this is why the parent child relationship is so irritating right because you're the parent or you're the adult child and you have a need to be control of yourself but your parent only feels safe if they're in control of you and that sets

up a problem for every relationship that you're in because if I can't control you it makes me feel unsafe but if I try to control you lisis then you're going to feel annoyed and what happens in the body and I write about this in the book because the first thing you're going to learn when you learn this skill of identifying what's not in your control and removing it as an obstacle in your life because when when you stop giving power to things that aren't in your control guess what you give back time Energy power confidence

joy peace Joy you realize you do have agency and that that power isn't over there it's in here and you have the exact same thing and when you start to tap into that for yourself it's just liberating and then you start to see the second thing that i' write about in the book which is that there are four ways you're screwing up your relationships because you're trying to control people and any psychologist will tell you that when you try to control something that you can't control it just creates stress and frustration for you and it

creates tension and misunderstanding and distance in your relationships because if you have a need to control and I have a need to control right and I try to pressure you to do something leis your brain is wired not to feel motivated but to actually resist the change I want you to make mhm yeah exactly yes you don't want to do it no yeah yeah no and so it was fascinating also to see that for 54 years I was actually operating the opposite of human wiring when it came to relationships on a scale of 1 to

10 in terms of a parent child relationships that you had or even marriage relationship tend being the ultimate level of control wanting to control either your kids or your partner where were you on that scale I'd say that publicly I was probably a five privately 10 wow well we all are we are so what does that look like then is it like not accepting your kids to to be themselves or they want to do something and you say no you can't do that or here's what you need to do how because you got to discipline

kids too you can't just be let them let them whatever they want let them eat whatever they want they can stay up all night let them no cuz this is a book about adult relationships and we make a huge distinction because when you're an adult you are and you have a child or you're a caregiver or coach no you are a well there are certain things you need to let them do yes but there are certain guard rails uhhuh that are your responsibility for example a child cannot regulate their own emotions right you have to

it's your responsibility to teach a child how to regulate their own emotions and the problem is that no adults know how to do this they haven't been taught it either correct which is why another philosophy and rule in the let them Theory Book is that from this point forward go through life and see every adult as an 8-year-old and a big body and when you do that something fascinating happens instead of being scared of people who are challenging or nursing narcissistic or passive or immature you actually can let them be and you feel compassion and

you also realize it's not your job to make excuses for somebody who is immature it's not your job to change somebody who has a narcissistic personality style it's not your job to take away somebody's disappointment or sad you need to let them and when you do it it's the ultimate boundary because then you separate your emotions and energy from someone else and then you say the second part which is let me let me double down on my values and let me see this person very clearly because if I see this person's immature behavior and I

visualize the 8-year-old version of them what I realize is that this is a person who was just never the skill of understanding and managing their emotions in a responsible and healthy way and I can't teach them that but if someone's treating you poorly or disrespecting you or has a lack of manners and just decency in life yeah not saying they're stealing 100 Grand from you not saying they're cheating on you honestly the same thing but just it is other things that are like huh that doesn't feel goodh yeah how do you let them but then

also create a boundary with them or communicate to them hey this doesn't work for me anymore I want to let you do this but also this doesn't work in this relationship for me correct how can we do that in a way you just explained it that is not angry and mean towards them or reacting emotionally but just creating a healthy conscious communication okay great excellent question because that's that sounds like part two where you're letting me you're taking your power back and you're saying now I want to communicate how you can treat me yes like

these behaviors don't work right if you want to do that I'm going to let you do it but not with me Bingo right see here's the thing who has the power in a narcissistic relationship I guess the narcissist if the other person's allowing it to happen correct but you're only allowing it if you see it happening and you make excuses for it and you stay yes so if you let them reveal who they are and so this is a very important point you are not allowing people to abuse you in fact what the let them

Theory does is it helps you wake up perhaps for the the first time and actually see somebody very clearly as they are and not make an excuse because people's behavior is the truth people can say anything that they want but if you watch their behavior someone tells you exactly who they are and they tell you what their priorities are and where you fall in those priorities so let them reveal who they are and if you are in a situation with any human being and you let them be who they are and they reveal to you

that they are emotionally abusive or narcissistic or they don't call back or they keep saying that they're going to stop drinking and they don't or they promise that they're not going to raise their voice but they do let them because your power is not in trying to change them because you can never change another human being human beings only change when they feel like it and they are not going to change for you mhm people only change when they feel like changing for themselves and so trying to make someone else change or wishing that they

would change that's not where your power is don't put your time and energy there let someone reveal who they are and then say the second part which is let me let me remind myself that I always have power because I can leave any conversation I can leave any interview I can leave any date I can leave any relationship I can leave any dining room table anytime any anytime I choose done and so you know I also say this knowing the research I I used to work at domestic violence hotline and when I was a public

defender we had a tremendous amount of training and Crisis Intervention and I know you've covered this topic a lot and you understand trauma and have written about it extensively and I say this in abusive relationships this is a lifechanging tool for you to say let them and here's why why on average at least the research I saw last it took a woman seven times of leaving to leave for good in a domestic here's why I'll tell you why the reason why is if you look at brain circuitry and you look at all that research that

scientists have done on addiction and there's this famous study I'm going to get it completely wrong it's part of my brand to just like kind of miss some of the details get the gist of it so they put these poor rats in two different CH cages and in one of the cages they give the rats like all the sugar that they want or heroin or I don't even know what they were doing right and it's on tap and of course they like tap tap tap but then they kind of get a little like tired of

it in this cage they put the rats in with the same sugar or heroin or whatever but they gave it to them randomly so you would tap it once and get your hit and then you go back and it's water like and then you hit it again and then maybe it comes again and then you hit it a couple more times and it's water and then you hit it again it's called intermittent rewards it is the exact same mechanism is pulling a slot machine like sometimes you win and then you got to pull it 23

and then you win again and it's that lack of predictability which by the way is the exact same mechanism with social media because when you're scrolling you know for those of us that have been caught Doom scrolling this is not your fault the algorithms designed this way it's designed to feed you things that are like a dopamine hit and then you get a bunch of boring crap but have you ever noticed as you start to talk to yourself I got to go to bed like I really need to go and then and then you hit

one thing okay and then you're on FR it's intermittent reward and so in the cycle of an emotionally or physically or sexually abusive relationship what happens is the relationship cycle is one where it's calm and then the abuse and then the apology and then it's calm mhm and the fact that it's not always like it negatively the whole time makes you do what we all do when we're on social media I know that I need to do something but and there's a moment of like some goodness or something happening that's good yeah and so you

you want that to happen all the time but it's not correct and the world's leading experts you've had Dr Romani dersa on a number of times here leading expert in the world on narcissist she has said that the single biggest problem in a narcissistic relationship whether it's your mother or the person that you're dating or a brother or sister or a friend is the hope that they will change C they won't change well they might on their own likelihood is not yeah but I think that you can hold out the belief that people can change

and at the same time you can live in the reality of who they actually are right now yes and that's the power of letting them you're not letting them do anything to you you're letting them reveal exactly who they are through their behavior and for the first time you are not explaining it away and that is the biggest issue that people also face in dating we're so terrified to be single you know and I get it like I I I've been married a long time I have two daughters that are uh one is single the

other's in a relationship uh and the obsession with not wanting to be the single friend right like how awesome it is to have plans on the weekend like the fear that you have that you're not going to meet the one and the problem is that we are so married to the fantasy that we chase the potential and you don't see the reality of the person that you're actually with yeah and the explaining a way of beh avior is the single biggest reason why you'll waste years of your life or months of your life with the

wrong person because you're up here going well if they'd only lose some more weight or they'd be more motivated or they didn't watch golf all weekend treated me nicer then maybe no this is exactly who this person is well I once heard someone say that if you're not changing it you're choosing it mhm if you're not changing the situation or changing your relationship within the situation or changing your environment you're choosing that environment you're choosing that relationship you're choosing that job whatever it might be and you can speak up and you can communicate hey this

is something that I would like to create within this relationship within this career within this job and I'm not happy with my current situation or this is what's working for me but this isn't working for me how can we evolve this relationship so I think you should have the conversations you have to that's to let me part don't just say screw this person and I'm gone you no communicating with courage yes conscious of like here's what I do appreciate about you here's all the good that is happening absolutely and here's some things that I would

like to improve on yes can we improve in this situation in my relationship or my career or whatever it might be or a friendship if not okay it's information maybe I'll stay as invested with you maybe I won't correct maybe I'll stay in this job maybe I'll look for a new job and try to find some other situation but if you're not changing it you're choosing it yes and and when you're choosing it you got to accept it if you don't accept it you got to start having a conscious conversation to change yes that's exactly

right leis and here's the cool part no human beings perfect of course not and we can all learn skills yes and so whose responsibility is it to create the relationship that you deserve see I think it's your responsibility responsibility and the way that you do it is you allow someone you let them be who they are and then you come back to yourself and anything that's annoying you or frustrating you that you're griping to your friends about whether it's work or it's a friendship or your parents or whatever that's the let me part yes let

me either stop bitching about this because that's the only way that you know how you accept it accept them yeah right stop complaining or let me sit down and be the emotionally mature one uhuh and make the request so Chris has done this with me so I'll play this out this way so you know you're good friends with my husband Chris and you know Chris he's like Mr men's Retreat death D Zen amazing man and I you know if you go into our bathroom Lois Chris's counter clean organiz you do no I know because this

is my my bathroom is on clean reorganized and when Martha puts something I'm I'm like you have a whole another separate counter we're not sharing a counter we have two sinks for a reason and yours three times the size of mine for a reason you don't have to put your brush on my side yes I like it clean you know what I mean yes dri crazy does it crazy yes okay bir mine is just like Mark's it looks like the over on top of it and it's like she can't even see what she has so

much yes so it drives Chris bananas he has learned to let me now now I let her on her side correct correct but when the brush comes onto your side which I do too because I walk over I'm talking I put it down I walk back right so here's the thing though if it really starts to annoy you it's not about that yeah you're not going to be able to control her right you are starting get annoyed so now you know it is actually draining some energy the power is not in controlling her it's in

your response so you go to Mark Chris comes to me and says Mel I love you yes the real trigger for Chris is cardboard boxes cardboard boxes oh yeah because what happens as they show up get boxes yeah yeah and then Chris's Mister slice them down flat what stack them in the garage in a certain way they got all stacked up he like put one in box and like I don't know and he would ask me When the boxes come and you empty please slice them and I would do it some of the time uhhuh

but most of the time what I do is I just stack them next to the door to garage let him do it well you're gonna do it I mean to come down at the end of the day yeah tired so Chris would come in and he'd see them and he has asked me multiple times so of course it stresses him out and pisses him off and him yeah but what he did is he sat me down because there's a big difference between what you intend and the impact it has in another person yeah if you

scream at someone or scold them or shamed them you're not going to get a good response correct but if you sit down consciously when things are calm correct not in that moment and just say hey in a loving way I love you I appreciate you I appreciate all the good that you do for us in our relationship we have a beautiful home we have a three amazing children and I'm like now spit it out Louis what I do wrong yeah exactly and there's just one thing that I would love to create an agreement with yes

can we create this agreement together and what support would you need in order for us to have this agreement work I said an assistant no I no what I but what he said to me was this he said every time I see those cardboard boxes there it's like a giant middle finger to me like you don't love me you don't respect me you don't care about me you don't appreciate me correct correct you think I'm your maid and I have asked about this and when he explained it that way what happened is it tapped into

my intrinsic motivation because I value how he feels of course and when he communicated that way and he let me know now I am motivated to do it because I know why it matters and this is really important when you communicate something to someone that it matters to you and they don't don't do it you have to let them and here's why let them and then what it depends on the issue CU if he sits you down and says this really matters to me and cardboard boxes but it's more about feeling disrespectful or but if

I repeatedly then ignore it then what well Chris has to choose choose what to either talk to me again or if it's a big enough issue Louis is this the right relationship interesting do I want to be with somebody who I sit down and repeatedly share my feelings and my needs with and then they do not do anything they or they say they will but then they don't and the behavior shows that I don't matter but also people could say well he could also just look at it and say don't take it personally and just

who cares accept that this who you are she's not going to do the boxes and just let it go it doesn't matter it's deeply personal uhhuh and this this is why it's important to understand where your control is because what's ultimately going to happen is if you have an issue with somebody in your life whether it's your parents or your boss or whatever and you've addressed it in a very mature and loving way and nothing has changed it's likely not going to and then it comes back to you let me choose what to do next

yes what do I deserve and if it's somebody who repeatedly like let's take it to the context of dating because this was an example that's kind of funny and relatable but if you're in a relationship with somebody and you want to take it to the next level and they don't want to put a label on it yeah is like are those a table scraps you're going to take right if they're sneaking out early in the morning like some stray cat is that actually serious [ __ ] is that the love you deserve I mean I

get up early go to the gym I'm not sneaking out [Music] but you know what I'm saying sure because what we then do is we go up into our minds and we start explaining way the behavior yeah of course you get a you you get a little drip of dopamine every once in a while you're like oh I wish I get that more frequently yes and if only I can be closer to them if only I can spend more time with them maybe if I learn how to play golf maybe if I like that now

you're you're changing yourself changing yourself because you refuse to let the person reveal who they are oh man and there were no mixed signals you're either a priority or you're not 100% period yeah and you know I I think it's important that I recently heard uh some experts say and I think it's a really important statistic to know that 11% of uh people in long-term relationships have that sort of instant spark 89% were the slowburn and that's also important to know interesting because over time people reveal who they are too and it's why people grow

on you yes and one of the other reasons why I love this Theory so much i' I you know you and you know because we're all good friends that Chris and I are about as opposite as they come in terms of energy andal calm does he have a pulse I mean the guy's he's a death tool of for crying out loud he keeps my feet on the ground and I keep our life fun exciting yes you're the adventure yeah the the uncertainty Adventure the yeah yeah but he's the ground and the soul and Foundation it's

interesting because when I you know I've I don't know how you guys stayed married I don't know anyone in their 20s getting married in their 20s yeah stays married in their 50s or or beond because I if I got married in my 20s I'd have been divorced easily once or twice early 20s for sure I would have been I just had no emotional skills and I think I would have it it's just been chaos I feel like you know and so I had I feel blessed and grateful and I don't know how anyone who's been

married 20 plus years in their 20s starting in their 20s makes it work and it's a freaking applaud because I feel like I needed those painful kind of five breakup experiences and like just challenging relationships to finally say oh I wasn't letting myself or letting them be who we need to be yeah and I was trying to like make something work that I wasn't accepting and they weren't accepting I'm not blaming these individuals we both played Parts in it but when I chose to be with Martha and chose to be committed with Martha I internally

said to myself and out loud to her said if I'm going to be with you committed then I'm going to choose to fully accept all the parts of you and that means I want to get to see all the parts of you to make sure I like them if I don't like them I don't want to be with you I don't I don't care how inspiring you are how famous you are if you make money or you look beautiful like that doesn't matter to me anymore I need to be willing to accept who you are

and be okay with it yeah or I shouldn't be with you correct and my only request is you accept who I am fully knowing my lifestyle knowing I interview lots of different people and I go speaking and women come on the show you need to know all these things about me and I've got dreams and I'm going to be committed to my vision and I'm going to be getting up early to go to the gym like you've got to accept these supports to me otherwise it's not going to work well you know what that is

love Yeah loving someone is letting them be themselves 100% And when I started when I stumbled onto this Chris and I have been through hen backck and he is my most favorite thing about life and there is something about let them that is a profound Act of love because in my mind when I think about love I think love is two things I think it's consideration so having someone else in mind like literally if you make a cup of coffee for somebody and you put in the oat milk because that's what they like that's an

act of love because you have consideration when I slice the cardboard box and flatten it I have Chris in mind and the second part of love for me is admiration which is the ability to see something in someone else that you admire and you asked I don't like how do you go the distance I think a long-term successful relationship requires two things it requires two people who want it to work and that's an important thing because if you look at any relationship that breaks up whether it's divorce or a breakup there is a moment looking

back where at least one of the people didn't want it to work yeah and the second component is that you're both willing to do the work to make it work it's almost like you're always going to be on a seesaw with somebody in a long-term relationship UPS Downs balance but neither one of you will get off the Seesaw that's what it takes because if one of you gets off the whole thing breaks yeah and so that's why it's really important to learn how to let someone be who they are because I think it's a huge

Act of love and one of the cool things about it for me and it's not so much with Chris but it's with other family members that have had very challenging issues or challenging personality Styles is that I've always made it my job to like make people happy and make sure nobody's disappointed and then I get upset and so I know that feel I know that feel and when you let let them be who they are uhhuh you're actually holding space for two things to be true because somebody can be deeply disappointed in you or something

that you've done and they can still love you 100% yeah and a lot of us don't know that but when you let someone be disappointed and if you just take that example because so many of us are motivated by guilt or we don't want to let people down if if if you have a Business Partnership and they want you to come to some meeting or come give a speech and it just doesn't work and they're disappointed isn't that a good thing doesn't that mean they want you there right and we think we've done something wrong

no you've actually done something great because you have a relationship where somebody wants you there so let them be disappointed sure but then do the second part let me remind myself of my values and I don't bend over backwards just to make sure other people aren't disappointed I just let them disappointed and I remind myself that I need to act in a way and spend my time in a way that actually supports the things that are priorities for me and if I value for example family and this is another very important thing because so many

people are motivated by guilt I used to be deeply motivated by making sure that oh my God if I felt guilty because I'm working too much or didn't see my parents or whatever and then I change everything and then I'd still feel guilty because it wasn't quite enough don't ever do something something because you feel guilty when you change your plans and you go home to see your parents because you feel guilty you just made your parents the villain because you'll resent it yes and because you're making it a thing you have to do if

you let them be disappointed and then you come back to yourself and you say okay well let me drop into my values and for me my dad's 80 this year and I'm lucky I got 10 more holidays with him mhm and so I don't don't make the time to see them because I want him to think I'm a good daughter I make the time to see him because it makes me know I'm a good daughter because I value it and the other thing that I love about let them especially in challenging political times is there

are very good people in your life that have political opinions that you just cannot explain yeah and it's a deeply personal issue for everybody around what crosses a line but there is space when you say let them for someone else to have a belief that you don't understand and for you to not be emotionally charged by it and then for you to come back to your power and say let me decide how much time and energy I pour into this relationship let me decide the role that family plays let me decide if I'm going to

take the time time to step in their shoes and try to understand how they have come to this belief because one of the other things that I've learned and and especially in researching this book is that our brains are very interesting because when you when somebody has a different opinion than you or they tell you something you don't want to hear they've scanned your brain this is research from Dr tally sheret your brain literally turns off the listening part when somebody is telling you something that you don't want to hear and so by yelling at

each other or arguing about things or I don't understand how you could possibly that doesn't do anything but create this silent distance between people when you let people have their beliefs and then you remind yourself let me decide what I value and let me decide what energy I'm going to pour into what and let me decide if I want to keep the space in this relationship open because the other thing that I was getting super wrong in relationships leis is you know I know that I have to push myself because I'm lazy and stubborn and

doubtful and anxious like everybody else right I don't want to do the hard so I'm like five for you're go on I push myself so naturally I push everybody else uhuh and our brains are not only wired for control but we move toward what's easy which is why you sit on the couch instead of exercising because it's easy and we move away from what feels hard uhhuh and if you're a parent you're stomping up the stairs because your kid's not motivated and you hear the Xbox going do you think studying is easy for that kid

no that's why they're doing it and when you come stomping up the stairs to open up the door and be like are you studying yelling at them yeah do you think that's motivating no you just create more resistance to the change that you want yeah now you can't make someone change but I never said you couldn't influence them sure so through letting somebody be who they are and then back to let me let me approach this in a different way if I know I can't change this person and I know that the hardest working person

is the person who's struggling I me people that are fat they know they are they know they are people that are unhealthy they know they are and they're in tension with themselves of course see I choose to believe that everybody wants to be thriving I choose to believe that everybody wants to feel good about themselves I choose to believe that you know if you're broke I've been broke I knew it I knew I wanted to change my relationship with money in fact I needed your new book leis you know where were you 14 years ago

people know when they're not living up to their potential they are already actively in tension with themselves they don't need pressure from you because it just creates more weight and shame around an issue they already wish they could change so how do you influence someone who you know could use support in changing something that's really holding them back whether it's their weight or their mindset or have you asked them how they feel about it m or have you just made an assumption that you know like it's like oh thanks a lot I should pay off

my bills never thought of that right oh I should eat healthier oh thanks you know Einstein yeah didn't occur to me that I should exercise right so you feel like F you so here's how you do it and this comes from you know one of our favorite people Dr K the healthy gamer and I got to get you out here in five minutes okay no problem but this is important this is a really good good technique so first things first you just follow this ABC method okay a is you apologize you apologize for pressuring and

judging and assuming and I like to have these conversations by the way in the car because there's no drinking and there's something about I guess the word is forward ambulation as the car is moving that creates more open-mindedness and plus you're not looking at each other yeah or or walking or moving or something and you're trapped you know because you're a car you can't get away at a car yes true and so you apologize for being judging and assuming and a know- it all and then you're going to ask some open-ended questions I I I

I haven't even asked you how you feel about your health and they might say nothing I'm fine what makes you like fine about it and here's the most important question is there anything that you want to do about it and Dr K says it doesn't even matter what their answers are because what you're doing is you're removing outside pressure something you want to do yeah yes and you're actually putting your arm around them and when that tension Rises up inside you like I've known in my life when I drink too much I've known when I've

been a walking red flag I've known when I've been struggling I've known when I'm in the wrong job I've known when I'm not taking care of myself and I'm in tension with myself like nobody's actually stuck somebody tension yeah with myself oh I love it intention not intention yeah like in like frustration and friction yeah and nobody's actually stuck people who are stuck and woken up a little bit and they're like I'm not happy where I am but you're not quite sure what to do about it or worse you don't have hope that it's going

to work right and so when you say what would you like to do about it you've now just exposed the gap between what they actually want m and what they're doing Y and you're Awakening intrinsic motivation yes so then you go to B back off that's it back off don't try don't try to coach them don't tell them what to do don't try to control them don't try to you should do this and you should do that and you better wait three to six months just back off just listen and then say okay yeah great

and if you screw up again apologize again open ended questions again if you thought about what you might want to do about this if anything all and then the third part is C which is you got to celebrate any small thing you see without being passive or aggressive Oh see it wasn't that bad um you didn't eat that pie today good job there you and here's the thing that none of us do you got to model the behavior change yeah and you cannot expect someone to stop drinking while you're pouring yourself a glass of wine

no you can't expect someone else to motivate and go for a walk every morning when you're not mhm and you also have to make it look fun and easy and I want you to give it 3 to 6 months and here's why we all have the need to feel in control they have to have enough space from you for it to feel like their idea that's true so I love this example where if you think about being at work and you know I'm like one of those people that used to eat the sandwich work through

work like you know eat through my lunch break like shoving a sandwich in my mouth and you see somebody get up and go for a walk work work work work work and then they come back and they're super refreshed and the next day work work work work work and they go for a walk after a couple weeks one of these days you're going to look outside and you're always going to think you know I should go for a walk yeah you don't credit them you think it was your idea mhm but that was the influence

of your colleague yeah who made something look easy and fun right this is why we buy so much dumb stuff online because people are making it look easy and fun right that's the power of your influence yeah and when you let them be who they are and you let them change on their own timeline and you learn to love them as they are it's so hard then you've just created the space for positive change to happen and what I also love about this is that when you do it this way and you let them you're

also communicating I believe you can when you micromanage pressure and protect other people from the greatest teacher in the world which is life then you're actually saying I don't believe you're strong enough to face this WOW Isn't that cool did you feel like you used to micromanage a lot of people everybody really well of course because I'm a control freak right and you know we couch it as worry and love and thinking we know best and that's a it's a wonderful thing Louis to want more for the people you love yes it's a wonderful thing

to see the potential of a friend of yours it's a wonderful thing to see that if your brother would would stop drinking his life would get better it's a wonderful thing to want your girlfriend to stop dating these losers wanting a better life for somebody else is an beautiful thing but we've been going about it the wrong way we've been pressuring worrying judging fixing controlling and the truth is the more you let people be who they are the better your relationships yes and the more you let people live their lives the better your life gets

and the more you learn to see who people are the more you get to choose how much time and energy you pour into what relationships and which ones you don't this doesn't make you closed off it actually makes you more connected yes and more compassionate and more loving and more supportive and as for me as a mom and even as a boss it's made me realize the power in truly operating in a way where I'm clear when I'm especially at work about what I the outcome is but then I have to let people do the

job because that gives them control over their creativity expression yes and with my kids MH learning how to let them live their lives and let them make mistakes and let them face the consequences of the decisions it is the single most powerful thing I could do because I'm saying to them I believe in you and I believe in your ability to figure this out and know that the second you need me I'm there because I'm always standing on the side cheering for you I'm not on the field plane I'm standing on the side cheering for

you because I believe you can win this game there's a problem every time you come on Mill I ask one question it goes for an hour and and I you know it feels like five minutes which a good thing um there's two things I want people to do right now if you're listening on audio I want you to share this with a friend and ask them the biggest takeaway they gained from this conversation because there were so many I've got pages of notes already if you're watching on YouTube or anywhere online I want you to

leave a comment of the biggest takeaway so far um what's yours well I was I'm going through it in the last week with uh trying to control things with people and so it's all coming at the perfect timing to remind me to and I think this ABC is actually something that I can get a lot better at which is apologizing for either pressure or the judging and start asking questions and then kind of let people be and it's all been kind of happening the last week where I'm like gosh if they just did this thing

that I've been wanting them to change for the last 10 20 years life could be so much easier so much better so much this so much so much this and it's all coming at the perfect timing because I'm just like they're human beings they're adults they're going to figure out their life on their own yeah and what you said is like the best thing you can do is keep modeling the behavior that you feel proud of for your values these are the values that I want to create for me so I've got to live up

to my values consistently not perfectly but consistently right and I'm going to have off days or whatever and keep encouraging and saying hey is there anything I can do to support you on your goals what are your goals oh that's interesting and then not try to coach them let you know and for me I think I've tried to like okay well let's do this a game plan and here's what we can do and I'll hold you accountable which feels like loving and maybe you do need if they say I need accountability cool then do that

correct but I think what you said is like okay just put the question out there to and say it's interesting what would you want to do about that if anything yeah okay cool I'm cheering you on yeah and if you need anything from me in the future let me know yeah yeah how might I support you if that's what you want to do that's it and and not try to to force them to change you know so I think that's a big that's what speaking to be now I mean I go back in my notes

from the first part um I think the the distinction between let them and let me you know because I think of it is like that's what I really wanted to ask you about if you let people walk all over you let's say or steal from you or cheat on you or treat you poorly right should we allow that to happen but I think the second part is letting me it's like don't take it that personally or maybe take it personally for then choose okay how do you want this relationship to change yeah like what what

what is the love you deserve what is the friendship you deserve exactly and like cuz the thing is is that if somebody's cheating on you it's already happening yes and if you're getting walked all over or taken advantage of even at work like you get the crappy shift every weekend if you're not communicating what you want consciously not yelling and reacting and say I never get what I want and you're acting like a child yeah but if you're not consciously stepping up and saying Hey listen I've been here for a while and I'm just like

exhausted I just need more space or more time or I need a different position whatever it might be so you got to take responsibility and step into your power when you want to communicate a CH yes and the mistake we make is we actually think we don't have power in that situation you're wron and you know it's interesting because that is the single kind of biggest push back on the let them Theory which is am I just letting people walk all over me no you're doing that right now yeah because you're making excuses for it

right and you think that the way to get somebody to stop walking all over you is to try to change them no the way you get somebody to stop walking all over you is to walk out the door and not be present for it exactly they're telling me you got to leave here in a couple minutes so I'm going to ask you one final question the second part of this hey Vance if you want to take photos while we ask this final question just to get them going um I want you to leave a a

comment if you're watching on YouTube I want you to share this with a friend if you're listening and share your biggest takeaway and the second thing I want you to do is to go to let them.com and buy a few copies of this book because I'm calling it now this will be the biggest book of the year uh 2025 and probably one of the biggest books of the decade so if you don't have this book if you haven't ordered it yet get a copy for yourself get a copy for someone else that you care about

because there are two simple words that will change how you think about your entire life and it is let them um very excited about this I want people to get as many copies as they can because this is going to be everywhere it's going to be everywhere and everyone's going to be saying it about you like my family uses this more of me than I use it with any sure sure and it brings us closer 100% to I mean again we can go on another hours here if you guys want more if you want us

to if you want to ask two questions next time you want Mel to come back on to expand on this let me know in the comments as well we'll have Mel come back on later this year one final question yeah I asked you the first question which was you hear the pain of the world on the biggest thing that holds them back I feel like we got to a part of the answer there and there could be expanded more you're controlling the wrong things you're controlling what you're trying to control things you can't control exactly

you're trying to control things you can't control I'm curious in your life everything is taking off right now at and the biggest it's ever been and you've had different moments of big moments you've had massive books you've had things go viral you've had seen growth in certain seasons of life but this is a whole another trajectory completely different with everything going amazing and going bigger than you probably ever imagined right now what is the biggest challenge holding you back I feel more present than I ever have you you feel like it yeah yeah and I

don't feel any challenge in my life right now because I do feel that what is happening especially with the let them Theory um I I think this is my legacy yeah it's beautiful I I do and um I just want to be present because I know that whatever it is that's happening in the world in this moment I feel called to share this yeah and I spent so much of my life either feeling anxious or being a walking red flag because I just didn't know how to break out of the patterns that I was in

and I was controlling the wrong things uh that I don't remember a lot and I wasn't present for a lot of my life and so I think the biggest challenge is being present yeah In This Moment yeah and really keeping my feet on the ground as the airplane that I'm on is moving 500 miles an hour yeah and um you know I one of my deepest values is family MH and so I want to make sure that as I am present for what is happening right now and the interest in this tool and one of

the reasons why it works also Lewis is because it's just a modern tool that has deep roots in stoicism and Buddhism and detachment so it is supported by ancient wisdom and the best research around psychology and human behavior and it just applies it and so I feel that I'm not alone you know um and I'm grateful yeah for your support of course and um I think it's just time yeah you know it's beautiful you deserve it thank you you worked very hard for a long time and I know I've seen you at different stages and

seasons of life in your Rel personal relationships and lows all different and so you really deserve to enjoy every second of this season you know whether it's months or years of this chapter of this book and this kind of message that you're sharing yeah and uh so I hope I'm going to reach out and remind you to stay present because it's going to be a wild ride it already is enjoy the ride though I'm excited every make sure everyone gets the book The let them Theory by m Robins let them.com Mal Robbins on social media

your podcast we'll have it all Linked UP check it out appreciate you love you Mal congrats and everything and uh we'll we'll talk to you soon thank you absolutely appreciate it thank you so much for watching this video I hope you got a lot of value if you did do me a quick favor click the like button right now because it's going to help us spread the message to more people when you like this video and leave a comment of your biggest takeaway in the comments section below I want to hear from you I tried

to reply to as many comments as possible we want to be of value to you so click the like button subscribe to this Channel and leave a comment and when you subscribe you're going to get notified to some of the biggest guests and content that we have coming in the near future so make sure to subscribe so you can be the first to be notified and also a big announcement my new book is out make sure to go to the link below in description or go to makemoney ebook.com if you're looking to create the financial

free freedom and abundance that you want in your life go and get the copy of my book make money easy right now relationships in that culture are usually organized around Duty and obligation religion doesn't ask you what do you feel like doing honey you know religion tells you what to do and religion then helps you with three most important pieces one is how do you make sense of the UN