How to BE A MAN: essential and performative masculinity

I'm Dr Orion taraban and this is cycax Better Living Through psychology and the topic today short talk is how to be a man it's a simple question and one that 100 years ago would be ludicrous to ask because back then everyone just sort of knew what the answer was but here we are in modern times characterized among other things by an identity crisis in men how we got here is extremely complex but here is where we are now some forms of masculinity such as machismo masculinity are fairly complex this is because they are performances of

an Unwritten etiquette with evolving rules and standards however this form of masculinity as much as fem femininity is essentially performative neither is a natural Suite of behaviors and each is an expression of a particular time and place these forms of masculinity and femininity can be learned and skillful execution of their respective Suites of behaviors both Express and confirm status in men and women many of the answers you'll hear on the internet to the question of how to be a man correspond with performative masculinity there are things that you can do to signify your man's status

with props costumes and postures these could be things like grow a beard lift heavy stuff start a business go fishing go hunting learn to start a fire learn to drive a manual transmission learn to seduce women learn to fight learn to shoot a gun learn to grill a ribeye steak talk knowledgeably about sports drink beer and appreciate whiskey Etc now I don't have a problem with any of those things a lot of them sound fun and could prove beneficial to the individual in question however I do think that all of those responses suffer from defining

masculinity essentially as a suite of behaviors as a performance now I have a different take on this question as you can see I'm not a guy who's very performatively masculine I work with words in a very feminized profession I've never played football or scaled a fish or rope to calf however when it comes down to it I'm extremely masculine and this is because what it means to be a man is very simple and only marginally associated with what you do or what you look like are you ready to be a man is very simple you

need only two things you need a spine and you need some balls that's it if you have a spine and you have some balls then you're a man and just so we're clear I'm not talking literally all humans have a spine and all males have balls what I'm talking about is a spine and a pair figuratively it's simple but not necessarily easy let's talk about each one individually shall we first what does it mean to have a spine spine means that you are willing to stand up anatomically you need a spine to stand erect figuratively

you need a spine to stand up for what you believe to be true which is in your heart of hearts Who You Are in this of course presupposes that you actually know what you believe to be true and this ain't easy most of the things in your head were put there by other people and a lot of that stuff is total garbage for most people it takes years and years of patient self-study to learn what they believe to be true so young guys get a pass here though it's important to acknowledge that we tend to

make their jobs Harder by filling them up with so much distracting nonsense to begin with however there are many older guys men who I speak with on a regular basis who don't know what their values are don't know what they believe to be true and consequently don't know who the they are and how are you going to stand up for something if you don't know what that something is now before I go any further if you're liking what you're hearing then please consider sending this episode to someone who might benefit from its message because it's

Word of Mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow and if you're liking what you're hearing you can hit the super thanks button it's those three little dots in the lower right hand corner and tip me in proportion to the value you believe you've received from this episode I really appreciate your support now having a spine also lets you know where you stand in relation to the universe this is because as soon as you stand up you cast a shadow which situates you in a specific Place between the heavens literally the

Sun and the Earth your immediate surroundings unless you are completely in line with the light there is no way to avoid casting a shadow on this plane among other things this means that as soon as you stand up that is as soon as you make it known who you are and what you believe in you will attract an antithetical element in opposition to that the shadow people will disagree with you people will disapprove of you some people will despise you and the taller you stand the more some people will threaten attack and seek to destroy

you this is part of the risk of standing up and having a spine and this of course is why we rightly respect people who stand up for what is Right despite the personal risk of doing so what's strange is that the alternative to doing this that is remaining spineless isn't all that great either you go through life never really knowing who you are and what you believe in now it often happens that some people do know who they are and do know what they believe in however they're never able to find their place in the

world because they weren't willing to stand up from their hiding places and say this is me this is because doing so requires the second ingredient a pair of balls having a pair means that you're willing to suffer the risk associated with being somebody a specific individual with values and beliefs it means putting your money where your mouth is it means not giving a whether you agree with me or disagree with me not giving a whether you approve or disapprove of me not giving a if you love or hate me it means if necessary putting your

money your relationships your career your status your reputation and even your life on the line in the service of what you believe to be true if you have a spine with no balls you spend your life hiding hiding from your friends hiding from your women and ultimately hiding from yourself well you technically can't do anything to earn respect in the sense that you cannot make someone respect you especially if for whatever reason they have a mind not to you can significantly increase the probability that you will Garner respect from other men and from women in

general by having a spine and growing a pair we respect those who are willing to hold the line and stand up for what they believe in regardless of the consequences paradoxically we like those who don't seem to care whether we like them or not on the other hand we typically have neither respect nor appreciation for those who do things so that we might like them let's recap if you know who you are what you believe to be true and if you're willing to stand up and risk it all in the service of those beliefs in

the service of your mission then congratulations my friend you are a man you do not need to grow a beard you do not need to hunt or care about football or drink everyone under the table or plow through half the women in town you need a spine and some balls if you have all the other things but you don't have a spine and some balls then you're not a man in my opinion and if you have none of those other things but you do have a spine and some balls then you're a full-fledged man hopefully

that clears some things up what do you think does this fit with your own experience please let me know in the comments below and if you've gotten this far you might as well like this episode And subscribe to this channel you may also consider becoming a channel member with perks like priority review of comments or booking a paid consultation as usual thank you for listening