Fireside Chat with Dr. Becky Kennedy

So, so thank you all for being here. Thank you so much for being here. I can't tell you just the overwhelming amount of, people who are excited to come. So I thought this room was going to be too big it seats about 250 people. And then, I opened it up. I was like, oh, if we get 50 people there, they'll be excited. And then within 12 hours, there were 300 people registered. And I just put up a waiting list and then another 300 people registered and had to close the waiting list. And then the snow

came. So or didn't come. But anyway, here we are. We're so excited to have you. So what we gonna do is, again, this is all for you. And for you also, a lot of you put in questions, ahead of time when you registered to be here. And so I've kind of pulled those questions together, and we're gonna, ask them to, to Doctor Becky. But I would like to start with, you know, I got, I feel like I got a little of dealers choice here. Host, host privileges. So I could just kind of start with some

of some of my questions, and then we'll get into others. But I just to frame what we're doing here. There is a kind of a fun story. As I look at it, I see my my neighbor here because my neighbor always makes me think of this. And when I, tell her you're coming, she was very excited to be here. And my neighbor is like a world class cancer researcher. I mean, she is. She's literally saving lives, curing cancer. But she has two young children at home. And every time I see her with the young children,

it feels like those children just. They're winning. And every time I see this, I think, oh, my gosh, is parenting harder than curing cancer? And I think that's why a lot of our audience is here. We have some incredible people in this audience I know just from the area we live in, the triangle. I mean, we have people curing cancer, have incredible surgeons, we have incredible scholars, the leaders in their fields. And then we are all struggling with with parenting. And so, I just wanted to start with a question that was near and dear to

my heart as, as someone who teaches, entrepreneurship and entrepreneurship students. And one of my favorite classes here is a class called Learning to Fail. And so what I found is that people really struggle with failure and understanding that failure is learning. And so, so I guess one of the questions I have for you to kick off with is, how do you think about teaching children to appreciate, and benefit from all the valuable lessons in failure? Oh, I want to answer that, and I want to answer a question I thought you were going to ask. Which

is why. Why is parenting so hard? You know? Okay. Because students. So, that that's where my mind already started. I was preempting, so let me start with that, and then I'll get to, how we help kids appreciate failure. Because to me, that's actually at the heart of our approach is how important it is for kids to be good at struggling like my own kids. To me, that's like the number one thing I focus on. I want them to be really good at struggling. Why is parenting so hard even compared to curing cancer, cancer research or

all all the other hard jobs a lot of us have or things we've done in life? Nobody ever expects a doctor to become an amazing doctor overnight. And I've never met someone who says I have amazing cancer research instincts. And so which which maybe they do. I mean that. And so as a result, I just like I didn't go to medical school and I just, I kind of follow someone on Instagram for a reel I have like sixty second tips here and there and that plus my instincts. I'm a doctor. Do you want to come

to my office? I'd be like, yeah, no. Right. We don't expect CEOs to be great CEOs overnight. In fact, we almost look down on a CEO who doesn't have an executive coach. We definitely don't expect athletes to be amazing basketball players just because they have natural athletic instincts. The best basketball players go to the best training camps and probably pay a lot of money for the best coaches, and nobody says that means they're bad basketball players. In some ways, it holds together. You're an amazing basketball player. You deserve amazing resources. I definitely would never get

on a plane with a pilot who told me. I just kind of figured it out from a podcast. I'd be like, well, I'm going to go with the person who went to school. And parenting is really the only job that is both. It is so hard and so impactful, and I think we've actually all internalized the nasty cultural message that we should be able to figure it out on our own and more than Good Inside one day, leaving in a mark on the world. I mean, that's for our different approach to parenting, which secret all

of us know. Here is more about us parents and healing ourselves and becoming a sturdy leader than anything else. Honestly, more than that, what I think is for me more impactful is if in years from now people say I'm a parent, like I shouldn't just read a book when I'm pregnant. Like, I want to invest my energy, my time, and I'm going to put it out there. My money, that's where my values are. We all invest our money, where our values are. I want more not because there's something wrong with me, but because there's so

many things that are amazing about me. And then finally it will be looked at like being a doctor or being a pilot or being a CEO. We're getting support is a thing you say to your friend. Yeah, of course I invested in that. And I think a lot of who we are see our members. I'm not even just talking about our membership. You might be like, I really should call that therapist or that parenting coach, or no offense, doctor Becky, there's someone else online I like better than you. I would honestly be like, cool, go

get that person's course. This is like, really? That is actually what I want everyone to leave with more than anything else. Because when we don't have that, we tell ourselves it's our fault. And we tell ourselves that those that help is expensive, when probably we spend money in just other ways. Okay, now why is it important to teach kids how to fail? Fail, I would say, and in some ways it's just a word I don't. I don't love that word. It feels so final. I don't know if I think about like, I don't ever think

I failed at anything. And by the way, that's not a way of being like, I'm amazing. I've struggled in a million things. I'm struggling in a million ways now. Failure maybe just to me it feels like this like period. I don't like, like things that seem so final because it's anti learning. Right. So I'll paint a visual and I think it applies to academics. I think it applies in, Aaron and I were talking about his class, but it applies to almost anything else where we all start being unskilled at something or we just another way

of saying is our starting point is not knowing whatever it is, kids start not knowing how to read. Right. You might start, I don't know, not being very good at doing a crossword puzzle. It could be anything you start at not knowing. And all of us like to get to this point because it's just easier and it feels good. And it's nothing wrong with knowing or being proficient or being skilled at something, right? By the way, managing our emotions also has that we are all born with all of the feelings and none of the skills.

Feelings without skills always come out as bad behavior. That's all bad behavior is, feelings that overpower skills. And for generations we've tried to punish the behavior. But that doesn't make sense. Nobody learns how to swim by being sent to their room, right? You'll never be like, that's an inspirational intervention, right? No. Right. And the feelings aren't the problems either. I mean, I don't know about any of you, but I've never been successful at, like, figuring out how to not be jealous or how to not be mad. Like the feelings when every time. So if there's

feelings without skills, guess what the answer is? Leveling up the skills we have to build. Skills to go from being not very good at managing emotions, to being good at managing emotions, from not knowing how to read to reading, from not knowing how to do algebra to algebra, to not being able to be a very coherent writer in our English to to doing that. And there's a space in between more and more, especially in today's world, where technology has made our body accustomed to instant gratification. We all have the urge, and unfortunately, there's a lot

of reinforcement where the space between not being good at something and being good at something, we expect to be like this. No space. And that's when you hear kids say things like, I can't do this. I'm not good at this. I'm stupid. None of those things are true. What they're saying is, I'm having a really hard time tolerating the space between here and here. And what I always teach parents is one of my favorite workshops in our membership is called the Frustration Tolerance and Resilience Workshop is that if you start at not knowing and you

end up knowing or not skilled and skilled, this space in between I call has a name. It's called the Learning Space, and the Learning Space has one feeling that you're supposed to feel that's the right way to feel who hear what. And none of you members who have taken it. Megan, do not say it because I know you know what? No cheating. Okay. What feeling do you think you're supposed to feel is the right feeling when you're in the Learning Space? Who wants to be brave enough to guess? I'm sorry. Yes. Frustration. So many people

we've learned from our own childhood, from whatever else, that the goal is to avoid frustration. When I have frustration, the sad part is I exit the Learning Space. I can't do this when I think about my kids and learning to fail, or really in my language, learning to struggle. I want them to become experts, not experts at knowing. Experts at staying in the Learning Space. And I'm going to say something that sounds all controversial. You can brainwash your kids into liking this space. I've done it, okay, because in some ways the word brainwash is extreme.

We all brainwash our kids. We we are the mirror to your kid. You show them who you are, who they are, and you can do that in ways that are un adaptive for their childhood are amazingly adaptive. So I'm just gonna give one example. And I know I was like, okay, I have a million questions like, please stop talking. Okay. But I think this is really important is I think about even when my son was really, really young, maybe he was three and he was doing a puzzle. He's like, I can't do it. Can you

do it for me? You know, and you're like, I five minutes with you. Like, this is not really how I want to be spending my time, right? Because it's so hard. But our kids can only learn to tolerate feelings we tolerate in them. Our kids can only learn to tolerate the feelings we tolerate in them. And in a way, when he's saying, I can't do it, if you think about this visual, which yes, you can draw for your kids, kids are obsessed with this because they're like, oh, I'm in the Learning Space. He was just

kind of telling me, I'm in the Learning Space, which my goal with my kids is like, I want you to get comfortable in that space because the knowing in the success happens whenever it happens, but it always happens in more areas of life and more quickly for the people who can stay in the frustration. So did I want to say, here it is. Can you stop whining? I'll do it for you. But in a way, what I'm doing for him is I'm saying when you don't know something, the space should be like this. You don't

know here. Success delivered by me. Now all of a sudden, I'm locking myself into a job I really don't want to have, giving him success. And by the way, I'm stealing his capability because he doesn't think he's going to be capable not of getting to success, but capable of tolerating struggle. Very different. I don't want my kid to feel like they're capable of success. They'll find that eventually on their own. I want them to feel like they're capable of struggling. Very different. So this is what I said to him. And I just want say, this

is like one of my good parenting days. They're not all like this. Like, I don't I don't have any of illusions that happens in my house. Okay? I said, look, let's take a deep breath. Here's why I'm not going to do that for you. Like this puzzle is really hard and you're frustrated. And that's exactly how anyone feels when they're working at something and they haven't figured it out yet. I'm not going to do it for you, because the feeling you get when you think you can't do something and then stay with it and watch

yourself make progress and eventually figure it out, is literally the best feeling in the world. And I actually know that feeling is going to come for you. Maybe not today, maybe, maybe it's tomorrow. And I don't want to take the feeling away from you. And so I'll take a deep breath with you. We can get a snack. I can remind you that you're going to figure this out, but I'm not going to finish the puzzle for you. Helping our kids be good at struggling, especially in a world that gives them so many opportunities for immediate

gratification, to me, is a guiding principle in raising not only resilient kids, but antifragile kids and really confident, capable kids. Are we done now? Is that like the flowers and theme? That's all I have to say. So? So no, we're not doing good. I got to push back here. Okay, so let's say I invest in my children in terms of getting them help to become better, whether it's better at basketball or better at learning, or better at any of the millions of things I want to be better at, and I have those wonderful parenting moments

where instead of jumping in and doing the Lego set for them like, no, this is going to be your moment, honey. Yeah. And yet I find, and, you know, and I find this with my students, too, is is everyone tends to recoil at criticism if I try to help you get better. Right. And all this kind of investment requires taking criticism. And so how do we, Yeah. Would you encourage people to help children and, learn to appreciate the value of criticism, understand that criticism is love? Yeah. So I think our kids feel our intentions, not

our interventions. And I think this is really important because it's why at good inside we think principles and mindset first intervention. Second. Everyone's like, what do I do? What do I say? I'm like, do you want to be effective or do you want a quick tip? This is also again why I think like the stuff on Instagram. And you know me, I love doing stuff on Instagram, but it doesn't have the impact because we don't have a foundation. The foundation matters more than the things you're doing at the top of the building. So I think

what's underneath your question is like, what is my role as a parent? My role as my as a parent is not to keep my kid happy. As we've established here already, it's kind of like to set up the conditions for success. And I don't mean success, just like getting into Duke. Right? Like, I mean success in the ways that we all really, no matter feeling capable, feel like you can take on challenges, feeling at home with yourself. For me, a big version of success is gazing into get self-worth, not gazing out and kind of saying,

let me show you who I am. Let me tell you if I'm good enough and then I can feel good about myself. Right? So what is criticism really? Okay, here's what I mean about intention versus intervention. Like I'm trying to give an example of something I would like criticize my kid for. What's an what's an example or do you want to use it in the classroom? We could do that too. Oh gosh. So somebody I criticize my child for is, oh my gosh, I can't believe you're hanging around this. Aaron has perfect children. And from

the audience, what is something where you're like, I feel like I have to give them this criticism to help them, but, like, You leave your shoes in the middle of the floor and I’ll put them in the mudroom. Amazing, things like that never happen at my house. But it also happens. It's not in my house, for sure. Okay. Right. So that's actually an amazing example. The shoes are right. Your shoes are like, right. We're I'm laughing because this is like actually happens in my house all the time right there. All right. What is your goal

with your kid? I'm just going to guess. Is it to get them to like, put their shoes where they are right consistently, where they belong? Consistently. Consistently. Now, I would say that goal is like, I don't know I don't know if I could do that every day, but let's say like 80%. How did I do on your first game? 70% at the best to get. So guys, 60 whatever you got to do is out. Yeah. You got I've never claimed to be perfect. Okay. Okay. So I think what we're used to doing as parents, I'm

going to say this very directly. It is so frustrating to be a parent like that. You're like, I've told you a million times to put your shoes in cubby right? And we call it criticism or like punishment or they know better when we say things like, what's wrong with you? You know, like just put your shoes away, right? I think all we're doing in that moment is vomiting our frustration onto our child. Just that's what we're doing. We're like instead of kind of being an adult and learning to regulate my feeling inside so I can

do something effective, I just get to like, put it on my child and make that them feel bad. That's why when I friend's like, do you think not punishing is soft? I'm like, I think punishing is soft. It's so soft. You're just vomiting something random to your kid in the moment. If you don't put your shoes away. No TV tonight. And then if you're like me, you're like, And really, I'm going to show them TV tonight anyway, right under me. You're like, well, no TV, but you can have your iPad. You know what? Like it

doesn't make any sense. Okay, so what is my intention? My intention is for them not just to listen, but to, like, take care of their stuff in their house. And I try to ask myself the question as much as possible, what is the MGI? I I'm sure some of you have heard me say that. What is the most generous interpretation of why my kid isn't putting her shoes away? What is my most generous interpretation of why the student comes late ten minutes every day to class? Same thing. Because humans. And by the way, me too.

We naturally come up with the lie. The least generous interpretation so quickly because that student's lazy. Why is it my kid putting their shoes away? Because they don't respect me? You're like, wow, all of a sudden this is a matter of like, respecting me, right? And then we intervene. Based on that interpretation, my most generous interpretation would be and they forget. Okay, so now I have that question of intention. Whenever you're struggling with anyone, you have a choice. Am I looking at the situation like I am sitting here and you are sitting there? What's your

name? Chris. Okay, so it's me. Let's say Chris does not put shoes away, okay? Whereas like me against Chris and Chris is the problem. This is how we naturally look at people when we're frustrated with them. We should never intervene or say anything to the person when that is your mindset. The only mindset in human history that has ever been effective in getting people to change is when, instead, it is me sitting on the same side of the table as Chris, and together we are looking at our problem is is a massive life framework that

has nothing to do with parenting. It's either me against you, where you are the problem, or me and you together against a problem. Assuming this is not some toxic abusive relationship is in relationship you want to be. So what is it me and Chris against the problem framework? That is where I have the intention of solving a problem together versus the intention of just kind of probably telling Chris he's a bad person and just being annoyed, which is not going to be effective. Here's the difference. If I'm me against Chris, I'm going to say something

like, if you don't put your shoes away tomorrow, like I'm not letting you have dessert, why don't you put your shoes away? Do you not respect me? What is wrong with you? Can you not remember a simple thing? You always remember your phone. Yes. You just don't care about what I say. And nobody changes. By the way, everyone's like. How are you so good at acting out those things? Because I say those things all the time. Like it's like, obviously I say those things all the time. It just isn't effective. So if I'm in a

good place, I'll be like, wait, it's me and Chris against a problem and just watch how different this sounds. Hey, there's something about remembering to put your shoes away that must be hard, because look, Chris, you're a respectful kid. I know you care about things, and so there just must be something stopping you. And, you know, that makes me think when you come in, I wonder. I wonder if there's something that could be at the door, like some solution that would help you remember. Okay. You want your kid. There's. You want them to come up

with it, and you might have to bring them, like, so close. You might have to be like. I feel like someone told me about notes that have, like, sticky things. And your kids, you know me like, Post-it notes and then you would be like, yes. Oh my goodness. So smart. And then and this happened in my house around this is literally how I solved towels on the floor in my son's room. It was driving me crazy. Same thing. And then my son said to me, Post-its. I was like, amazing. He's like, can you write me

a note? And this is a really important point. And you say, no, sweetie, that note to me in your handwriting, this is the thing you're struggling with. And honestly brainstorming about, like what's going on, what could I do? And then letting myself watch me be the one who does it? Like that's probably going to be more helpful in your life going forward than, like, whatever you're learning in math today. And so now and then, if I had to get more boundary and this is where the firmness comes in and like, because I know you can

do it like I do expect that note up by tomorrow morning. Right. You might not have to get there. You probably won't because again, you're on the same team. And then again, what is my intention? To help my kids solve a problem? To help my kid know that they will come to me when they have other problems. And going back to the same thing we started with. I always go back to the same thing for my kid to build up their identity as someone who can solve problems. You don't solve a problem going forward because

you had a parent who lectured you. You solve problems that are new and novel going forward because you've built a process in your head that you can repeat. So now let's say instead it's not about losing something, right? But it's about I got a bad grade and I should probably go talk to my teacher. You know how amazing it's going to be when your teenager instead of being like, I got a bad grade, they were like, I got a bad grade, What can I do about this? I wonder if there's any options. And then this

is the important part. I know I am the one who's going to write that email to the teacher, because I'm capable of doing that. And they come home and say, I got a bad grade. I emailed the teacher, we have a meeting on Tuesday, and while you can teach that to teens, it's the same circuit that will or will not get activated based on how they solved their shoes in the door problem early on. So I guess I don't think it's not criticism, because criticism in general, like you know what it is. I think the

word criticism, it might not for you, for me, it puts me in a me against you mindset. I just find whenever I'm in that mindset, people feel it and then they get defensive because they feel like we're looking at them like a bad person. But instead when it's like, this is a thing and I, I kind of know you're a really capable, good person and part of my job is helping you bring that out. What can we do then? It's not really criticism, it's really it's skill building. And it's, you know, I think we look

back on our childhood, we're like, wow, that would have been really nice to have someone who scaffolded skills, but also approached me like I was a good person who was able to bring out my inherent capability. So let's say, and then going into some of the questions that people submitted and 95% of the time I'm great when my kids don't put their shoes in the bedroom and I sit down and I go through this whole process because I'm a wonderful parent. But let's say that other five times when it scares them, when it doesn't happen.

So. Well, and you're in those moments and you look back and I can't believe I acted like that. I lashed out at them like that. Yeah. And the question was, how can parents maintain good self-compassion, when they know they mess up, when they know they aren't doing that? Great question. And again, like this whole process, just by the way, it takes five seconds. Like it's not long. We we fleshed it out. You get to the principles. But one of the things I just also want you all to leave with is I hear this from parents

all the time. It takes a lot of time. I just don't have the time. We either spend time preparing or reacting, most of us me, to get into cycles where we spend all our time reacting. And when you're used to spending time in a certain way, you just don't account for it. Yelling at your kid, coming up with punishments, enforcing those punishments, not enforcing the punishments. And honestly, because I've been in these stages, staying up at night feeling like a horrible parent that is hours of your time. And so I just think that frameworks important

to ask yourself, like, is it really more time or am I just spending time differently? And which way of spending time would end up feeling better to me? But but they're both time. So we're really talking about repair. Yeah. Because again, all those things I yell, I say all the time too. And no matter how much you learn about parenting or we tell our members all the time, no matter how long, because that's where we really, like, do the foundational work. Like you're there, like you're still going to yell at your kids. And that's not

a failure. That's called being human. Even more than learning how to be good at struggling like the most important thing, I really think for parents or actually any human relationship to get good at is repair. That is the ultimate strategy. I fall back on when everything feels bad in my own house and I feel like an awful parent. I'll say to myself, okay, today I'm going to be like, amazing at repair I all day. I'm going to be amazing at being patient. I just don't like to help myself up for failure. Like if it's a

day that I'm, like, overwhelmed, I'm like, I'm gonna do something manageable because then I start to feel better. So what does that mean? Repair in general? What it means is you go back to a moment that felt bad. You take responsibility for your behavior, you acknowledge the experience of the other person, and you talk about what you are doing so you can do things differently in the future, right? Or maybe what you would have done if you could go back. I really mean repair makes you a magician. It is the most magical strategy because memory

is not a series of events is really important. Memory is an event combined with every other time you've remembered that event. That's actually why therapy is effective. Like therapy’s, crazy impactful in a lot of people's lives. And if you think about it's interesting, you're like, well, my therapist doesn't change the things that happen to me. Why they change the story. You tell yourself about the things that happen to you. They change the environment. You're telling those stories. So now, instead of things that happened in moments when you were scared and alone, or maybe in moments

when people denied your reality, you're in an environment where someone is listening and caring and validating what happened to you. And truly, that actually changes the way the memory lives in your body. It's like, I don't know, you like to me, I eat something that is bananas for lack of a scientific name. That's crazy. But if you think about that, then you're like all the things I feel the worst about with my kid. Like, I have the power to change the way that event lives in their body for the rest of their lives. Because what

you're really doing when you repair is you kind of like, if there's chapters of your kids lives, it's like there might be one chapter. My kids have had chapters in their book that would be titled Mommy Yelled at Me and turned into a monster, and I felt very scared. I don't know, one person. If one person in here says their kid doesn't have that chapter, you're a liar. Or tell is your secret. I don't know one or the other, okay, but I don't. I think you're a liar. We all have that. But here's the thing.

When I go to my kid and I say, hey, you know what? You haven't been leaving your shoes in your cubby. I yelled at you, and I'm going to say a line that I'm gonna come back to, because I know a lot of people. It's controversial. It's never your fault when I yell. And I'm sure that felt scary. And it's my responsibility, even when I'm frustrated at you, to calm my body and talk to you in a respectful way. And I'm really sorry. Okay, we'll come back to the responsibility. But what I'm doing visually is

I'm going to the chapter that would impact my kid, and I'm truly I am reopening it and I am writing a different ending. And then when you write a different ending of the chapter, the whole chapter gets a different title. It's mommy felt scary and I felt nervous. And then she took responsibility and I realized it wasn't my fault. And we reconnected. And if I think about my kids because the way we relate to our kids when they're young becomes the way they define normal relationships, right? Like someone that if someone said, this definitely wasn't

me. Relationships that feel really good when you're an adult tend to be the ones. The ones you're attracted to are the ones that feel like home. That's really scary. If there were things about home that felt bad, right? I used to tell my clients in therapy, based on their childhoods, what they know is the people that were like, oh, I'm so excited about this guy I'm dating. And we'd be like, it's like the best signal I ever heard to slow down. I mean it, and what a privilege. If you can have a kid or you

say, that's going to be a signal to speed up, because in general you don't have a perfect family. But I want my kids to know that what's normal is if somebody treats in a way that doesn't feel good, you should expect them to take responsibility for their side of the story and come back to you. So every time I repair, I get my kids set up for that. I don't want my kids to think what they should expect is someone who gets it right every time. Someone who's always attuned to their behavior, someone who regulates

their emotion in every instant and never loses it. I don't think any of us think that's like the partner my kids are going to find one day, like, good luck, you know, like that just doesn't happen. So it wouldn't even be good for them. And then in terms of the it's never your fault when I yell because I know this and I will poison inside myself. And I don't know if you do, you're like, well, but like I say, they put their shoes away, you know, and I know. Okay. But here's the thing. I think

that, like, really drives at home. I picture my kid, picture my son, and like, coming home from work age 30 and maybe as a family, maybe not, I don't know, but I'm here with him and his partner, and he really needed, I don't know, his prescription picked up whatever it was, and his partner's like, I forgot. And my son, just like, yells at his partner. And if then I hear him say, I wouldn't have yelled at you if you remembered. My God, I'd be like, oh my God, that is so. That is creepy. We don't

yell at our kids because of their behavior. We yell at our kids because we're not regulating our emotions and the circuits we have in our body around how we are able to regulate our emotions pre-dated our kids existence. And I think taking responsibility for that is so important, not just for our kids, but again, for what they expect going forward. So this brings to another question we got a few times and, I can see it in myself too. Okay, but, that those moments where you asked and you asked. Yeah. And you asked and you, you

and you and you, you did all the all the things in the in your inner Daniel Tiger mom and you and and you kind you sat down and you did this, and it still didn't happen. Oh, yeah. So let's even go to the shoe thing. Like I have a rule for myself. I call it the 24 hour rule, because let's say I do all the things my kids do, not doing their shoes. And I'm like, it's true, I shouldn't yell, but like, I really do need my kid to, like, put their shoes in. And I

was like, I'm going to repair. And then I am waiting a full 24 hours before I go to my kid. And I'm not going to say, by the way, I remember when I said it wasn't your fault. It was your fault. So let's talk about it. Doctor Becky said, I just had to wait 24 hours to say that that is not the rule. Okay? What I would say is, and again, you're going to be like, this is weird. Becky keeps talking about different things, but she keeps talking about the same thing. This is me and

my kid against a problem. Maybe it's not the shoes. All these different example. It's they're always late in the morning. Hey, I know we talked about yesterday. My yelling again. My responsibility. I'm sorry. You know what I'm thinking? Me and you are on the same team. If you don't say that to your kid once a week, you should me and you are on the same team. We both want to have smoother mornings, and there must be something hard in the morning about getting out the door. And this is where again, you can go back to

before you talk to your kid. What's the most generous interpretation about why my kid would be late over and over, and I think I don't. There's never one right answer to that question. It just gets you in a totally different mindset. It switches you from being. And these are opposites, judgmental versus curious. When you have a judgment about someone, you know the truth about them. I mean, you don't, but you're convinced that you do. When you're curious, you inherently know nothing. And so you're open to a million possibilities. And so you're like, I wonder why

maybe, maybe my kid is having a hard time at school. And as long as they delay, what a smart thing. They don't have to spend as much time at school. Maybe my kid has a hard time separating from me. Maybe my kid is not in class. This year with all their best friends, and so home feels extra cozy compared to the school room. There aren't, I don't know, there's a million things, but as soon as you start thinking it's not about coming up with the answer, it's just about asking the questions because then you see

your kid, what's getting in the way. And honestly, when I say to my kid, I want to be clear, especially when they're younger, I wonder what's getting in the way. Something must be getting in the way in the morning. My kids okay, never say to me, so glad you asked here is that this never okay. The power is in asking a question to a kid, not in getting an answer. You've already won. And this is to me, the biggest shift. I think we give a good inside. You're wins. Are you your winter? What you do

there in showing up in a way that feels right to you and good to you, and heart centered and aligned. Your wins have nothing to do with how your kids react. That's actually a massive shift. Probably the reason we get triggered as a parent is because we're unconsciously defining being a good parent by how our kid responds in a moment, or how they behave in public. You're giving all of your power to your three year old. I really mean that. Or even to your 18 year old. So disempowering your when is and knowing your role

which goes back to what is my role no one taught you. That's why we need an education. Okay, so then I would say to my kid, what can we do? And again, it's about a real skill. You know, I think about what my life would be if I didn't have a calendar. I would be a disaster, and no amount of therapy would help me the way that it would for some would be like your calendar, you should have a calendar. And I'm like, wow, that's all I need. You know, it's nice to be organized. It's

nice to know what to expect. You can put three things on the wall breakfast, shoes, backpack, car. And I'm not I mean, this is no shade to Pinterest moms. It's just not who I am. I'm like, for me, those pictures I Google picture of breakfast. The first thing I find I don't even get a print on the room. The next one is like car. I'm like, wow, that one's tiny. Breakfast is big and doesn't even matter. Boom boom boom, okay. And that's it. And I'm like, and now also if you notice, it's me and my

kid against a visual calendar versus me against my kid. Kids respond really well when you assume that they need something as opposed to you, assume that they're bad. I would argue that students and adults also respond well, right? Where a kid's bad behavior is not a sign of who they are, it's a sign of what they need. And our job is to be detectives, right in that way. And so again, does this mean, oh my goodness, this is a secret to never yelling at your kid? No. How we started. Two things are true. Everyone, when

they leave here, you're going to yell at your kid is probably going to happen today. Okay? I'm not even with my kids. They're not in North Carolina. I'm probably going to, I don't know, I don't like it. These moments happen. It's about repairing more often and being calm more often. Those two things are equal goals. I was actually telling the story just this morning, Kate and Seema in the audience. And I have to say here that I was on vacation two years ago with my deeply feeling kid and oh my God, it and so many

people are coming up to me, which feels so good. I love meeting people, but my deck was feeling very emotional about like all these people, like stealing my mom from me. And we're at breakfast and someone's like, Doctor Becky and I'm in your membership and this is amazing. And I kid you not, she looks at her and goes, I just want to tell you, she's a really bad mom in real life. And honestly, like, the woman left the table and I literally, I was like, slave girl, like, now, like, so smart. I was like, wow,

you got me. So DFKs, they do not miss a beat. They know how to hit you in the heart and they make every situation a little more challenging. So I've been there. Okay, raise your hand if you know the term. And if you don't there's like no shame if you know the term dark, deeply feeling kid. These are my people. And if you're not, you're about to know it. Deeply feeling kids are my passion project within the passion project that are that is going inside. I had my first kid. Okay, and don't get me wrong,

he had his challenges. But like, I would do the thing. Oh, you're upset. Oh, you're having trouble with the puzzle. Like the puzzle story I told that was my first kid. And in private practice, I have all these parents think, I swear I'm doing the puzzle thing. But my kid, when I do that beautiful thing, takes the puzzle pieces and throws them in my face, right? And in in the back of my head, I was always like, I didn't say that. From the back of my head, I was like, I think you're doing it wrong.

And to their face I was like, okay, well, we'll figure out something else. Let's get creative. And actually, I think I am someone who loves being in the running space. I'm like, oh my God, amazing. Let's get creative. Let's figure out something else. And then I had my second kid and I was like, I should call all those parents back if you like. Oh my goodness, I'm with you. It's so different. Deeply feeling kids. To me, the core way of understanding them is they are more porous to the world. And if you are actually having

pores on your skin that are bigger than other people do, more comes in and more comes out. And if you're really porous, think about it. You have to be really hyper vigilant because you so know your vulnerability to how easily you could be overtaken, that anything that could be interpreted as a sign, as a threat will be. I remember my daughter and I was like, those girls are waving. They want to play with you. She was. When I wave at people, I'm not wanting to play with them. I was like, well, okay. But this was

like her protection. And then when they explode. It is. And this is where I want you to know. And here you are not crazy. You're not making up. It is so much more intense. These are the kids. Or you're like, I, I'm going to say, because I used to think this until I understood my own. Like I feel like something's wrong with them. You feel, and then you're like, is something wrong with me? Is something wrong with them? And it's animalistic. A lot of these kids. And maybe if someone wants to be brave, I will.

There's hissing, there's growling. It is like so intense. And this is because related to their porousness, their deepest fear. And this is also just true for adults. Our deepest fears tend to be the things and our worst moments that we activate, and it's how we then see the world. Unfortunately, we like act out our deepest fears a lot until we figure it out. All the stuff we can do to not do that. Their deepest fear is that they're too much. And then a lot of parents are like, but sometimes it like, feels like too much,

you know, it's a lot. And so in their moments when they feel vulnerable, any time they feel vulnerable, they have big feelings. They know their feelings are bigger than other people's feelings. They know they're porous. So when those feelings come up, they know they're going to come out and so they tend to feel shame next to their vulnerability. What is shame? It's the fear of disconnection. It's the fear of people won't be able to love me or attach me to me or take me. And shame makes any feeling more explosive. So it happens to be

this awful cycle. DFKs feel vulnerable and they would if they couldn't do a puzzle. Especially if you are watching you do anything to try to help you can imagine it's like a spotlight. All those feelings get bigger. They explode out with things like he's saying, get away from me, I hate you. And you're like, I was, I, I did the amazing parenting thing. What is happening? Why are you rewarding me with your good behavior? You know which kids don't do and then and this is the worst part and the thing I'm most proud of changing.

And I want to change in the world for every parent to now. It's more than I can get into here. But then what ends up happening is like they're in the room. They're like, get out! And you're like, fine, I was just trying to help. And they're alone in their room. And what they learn is, see, I'm in as bad an awful and toxic and unattachable as I worried I was. And the whole cycle gets worse until we reverse it. Most of the adults who take our DFKs program say, oh my goodness, this was me.

Oh my goodness. That's probably why I'm so triggered by it, because I learned I was bad and had to shut it down. And I have to heal that part. I'm just curious. Raise your hand if you've done some of our df K program. Did you cry through it? Let me tell you, for me to. Okay. So what does that mean? It means a million things. And I want to share some things here, but I don't want to cheapen the importance again, of setting you up for a quick fix cycle where it's like, I'm going to

do the thing, but I don't have the foundation. So if that is you, I would, I would I don't even know what I would say. Like, I hope for you that you really do invest in that next step and take our entire program. Because I really believe this. It changes the whole trajectory of your child's life and your own. The thing with DFKs is you can't get that close. But as you hear me saying, when you're like, fine, it's that distant. When kids are really upset, picture them in a house. Other kids besides DFKs, you

can go in the front door, which sounds like this. Hey, you're having trouble with that puzzle. Let's take a deep breath and they're like, sure, come in with DFCs. You do this and they're like, I hate you. Get away from me. Right? And they slam the door, but we don't want them to learn that lesson. See, I'm all alone in my house because no one could stand to be in the house with me. So we need what I call side door strategies. A side door strategy for the puzzle might be like this. My kids doing

the puzzle. Oh, I'm going to get a puzzle next to my kid and I'm going to go, I can't do this puzzle. It's so hard. There's no way I could do this puzzle back in one second. I can't do this puzzle yet. I'm a good, smart kid who's having a hard time with this puzzle. Nope, nope, I can't do it. Okay, I need a moment. I'm. You know what? I'm going to take a break. And then I look at my kid and be like, you know what? Sorry. Like this puzzle. It's really hard. I'm going

to take a break. And then I'd walk out of the room. That is the entire intervention in that moment, the antidote to shame is connection and in DFKs, it doesn't mean connection directly, but in some ways, when we have a little more distance, what we're saying is I go through these things to and what's going on for you that scares you doesn't scare me. That is the ultimate leader. When you're scared on a plane because there's turbulence. The thing that terrifies you more than turbulence is hearing your pilot scared of turbulence. The thing you want

to hear also is not your pilot saying, not a big deal. You're overreacting. You want your pilot to say everyone in the passenger cabin is scared. That's okay. Be scared. Doesn't bother me. I've done this a million times and I'm not going anywhere. In fact, I'm gonna get off the loudspeaker because I'm gonna go do my job and get us to the ground. You want them to validate what's happening for you and know what's real, and you want them to have a boundary so that their other, so your feelings don't kind of infect them. You

actually need that boundary. And it is interesting I would think about pilots because they have a cockpit. Right. Imagine if in that situation they're like, I'm going to open up the cockpit door. I don't know how to do this. Oh my goodness. Right. No. So that's how I would do it for a DFK. Can I tell a quick story? I mean, I always assume, okay, so I'm going to tell the story and then I'm going to give you some concrete strategies. Okay? I remember seeing a teen in my private practice. This is one of the

people who really stands out to me. I think she was like 16. So instead, in my room, she comes in for the first time and she looks at my computer, which was really old. And the first thing she says to me is like, is that computer from 1980? Are you even a real psychologist? I was like, well, yeah, but honestly ignore me. I was like, game on, because I love, I love kids, I really love kids who have been labeled as bad kids, I just do. I think they are in so much pain and no

one has seen it. So anyway, she tells me this is not your son, so I don't want you to go there. But the point of the story is at the end I was like, why are you here? And she's like, I cut myself. Do you think I always cut myself? She was like, so snarky. And I was like, oh, I was like, well, how long have you been doing that? She's like, two years. And I was like, do you do your parents now? It's been two years. She was. Yeah. And I go, why haven't you

seen a like a therapist? Why didn't you come to see me or anyone earlier. And she goes, well, two years ago my parents found out and they told me, we're going to going to a therapist. And I said, oh, so you think I'm fucked up so you don't love me? So you think, oh, you know what? You know what I'm going to do first? I'm going to miss a lot of the appointments, and I'm just going to lie, and I'm going to waste all your money. And my heart. My heart always races. So I tell

the story and I thank, thank goodness something in that moment just said. And this is actually the best parenting strategy to do nothing, the most underutilized strategy. Because when you're doing nothing on the outside, you know what you're doing. You're regulating your emotions on the inside. I did nothing, and it took a little while. Her whole demeanor changed. Okay. All of a sudden, the snarkiness went away. And I saw this as like a parable in her life. Like she gives it, people give it right back and it never gets to her. And she looked down,

and then she finally looked up to me and she just goes, can you believe they let me make that decision? I will never forget that. And I know what it means to me is again, too often we take our kids words as their truth and not their fears. When we're in a bad place and we're dysregulated as adults. Definitely true. We speak our fears, never our wishes. That's why for a DFK, get out of my room when they're like throwing things, they're saying, I'm terrified. People can't stay with me, okay? And what it tells me

is parenting is such a hard job, because when you're making the best decisions, when your kid is struggling with something, all you're going to get is push back and you never get a thank you note. In our membership, too many people haven't seen the Thank You note wrote from a DFKs. It's what I needed in my own journey. She'll never write me that note. Maybe now, honestly, she's a totally different kid. But it's the note I needed to know about long term. We never we don't usually get it. Or if we do, it takes 20

years. It's told me something about boundaries and it told me something about connection. So how does this relate to a 15 year old? For a job isn't to make our kids happy, but to set up the conditions for success. Also true as a CEO, also true as a professor. We have to think, are there things I'm doing unintentionally and with good intentions that get in my kid's way of having enough discomfort to go do things that are conducive with their developmental stage? Here's what I mean. My two older kids are really big readers. And by

the way, I don't not, I don't I'm not even a big reader. Do you know why they became good readers? Because most other options were even more boring than reading. That's why. Because I created that condition around know there's like, you know, and once you have a couple of weeks of no iPad time and certain hours, like your kids are like bored, bored, one day they're like, I guess I better figure out something to do. So when I hear about teens and again, this is I obviously don't know your story. My kid doesn't leave the

house. I was like, well, if we allow our kids to play video games for five hours or even be on their phones texting, YouTubing for seven hours, you better that's not a condition in which they're going to be bored enough to tolerate the awkwardness of saying, hey, let's go do something in the outside world going back to struggle. And when I think about the teen being like, can you let me make that decision? It makes me think things like this. And again, same team. Why are we doing phone rules here? And if after this, not

today, you want to tell me I'm on my phone too much, I'm actually totally open to that. But this is separate. My job as your parent is to kind of make decisions that I really believe are good for you, even if you're unhappy about them. That's the most important part of my job. And frankly, if you're if I'm honest, it's the hardest part of my job. And one of the decisions I'm going to make is how much you're allowed to be on your phone even after your homework is done. Well, I am, because I know

for me, as long as I'm on my phone, I basically have the desire to do nothing else because it's the easiest, most, most effortless, dopamine-filled activity I can do. And I'm not going to let that happen to you. It doesn't matter if you go to play basketball, but it's going to be doing other things and you're going to be unhappy and you're going to complain, and you're going to think, I'm going to break because I've changed before, but I'm not today because I know my barometer for success is not your reaction. It's doing something that

I know is important. And I have a support group of people I'm going to text on the side and be like, remind me why I'm doing this, etc., right? So important, those conditions. Okay, next, one of the best things to do with kids at any age. And I just did this with my kids and it's so important as a teen is actually to say to them, what is one specific thing I could do better this week to make me a better parent for you? I actually asked my two younger kids this last week if you

want to know my my youngest, because you know how you're like sometimes you're working on your computer and you're like, one minute, one minute, one minute. I can you just say even if it's like you say, five minutes, eight minutes and then not? Also look at your computer when I'm trying to show you something. And I was like, roasted. Thank you. Yes. And then my daughter said, you know, when you put me to bed at night and I always have to do one more thing because, mom, I'm just someone who always is going to have

to do one more thing at night. And so she said, and this my DFK who used to have even harder time separating and I realized this is like part of her thing. And it's doing one more thing I have to get ice for my water is definitely better than it used to be, which is screaming for five hours. Right. And she goes and then you always say, come on, get ready. I got to go do something else. And that's the last. She said, that's the last voice I hear before I go to bed. I like,

could you work on that? Yeah. It was like true, true bombs. Yes. And more than the things which I needed to hear, right. The best bosses ask for really honest feedback from their reports. Like, again, imagine your boss asking you that question. Imagine your partner asking you that question, I don't know. Again, the power is in the question. And so a lot of this I think, comes back to actually everything core we do at Good Inside. Am I setting the boundary I need to set. And I think we used to think boundaries were like punishing.

It's not that's desperation. That's why it's soft. Boundaries are embodying your authority. That has nothing to do with the power dynamic. It's just knowing you're the pilot. Right. And then after that, it's deepening connection. And the last thing I'm going to say is when you feel stuck with your kid, the single best strategy you have are stories about yourself. Okay. And then maybe we and then we want. Okay. So actually just talking about this in a podcast, I'm going to say here because I think it's counterintuitive. My youngest, when he was like three, my resilient

rebel who feels very capable, was watching our family do a puzzle. The rest of us that was really hard. And he just, like, couldn't really help because he was not able to at that age. Anyway, we all took a break from this puzzle. He was like, doing building on this, I don't know. And I come back and like, a lot of the puzzle pieces are gone. And I was like, I know he took them, right? And of course, in my reactive moment, instead of doing nothing there and pausing and regulating, I did nothing in here.

And I was like, I know the puzzle pieces. I know you took them. Just tell me where they are. We're in the middle puzzle. And I think I tried. I was like, I know it's hard when we're doing a puzzle and you can't do it, but I really need them. You know, I kind of. And he was like, I don't take them. And then like, it took a while. I was like, this is not working right. I always thinking like, we can be right or we can be effective, can't you? Usually can't be both in

a relationship. And so this is what I did like an hour later because like in this moment and you'll probably all have situations like this, you're stuck. You're like, I'm just stuck. My kid's not taking it. And what do I do? I sat him down and I said, and this is my favorite leading, and you'll see why. I want to tell you. You know what? No, I can't tell you. That's so bad. I can't tell you this thing I did. What do you think? What would you do if someone said that way? Yeah, especially if

it's your parent, like mad at your boss. You're like, what did you do? Okay. And I go, okay, I'm going to tell you when I was seven. And this is a true story. My sister had these oily stickers and I really wanted them. And I took them. And then my mom asked me if I took them. And this is the amazing moment. One of the moments I was like, do you know what I told her? And he goes, you probably told her you then, you know, like and I go, oh. I told her, no, it

wasn't me. Why are you blaming me? That's really mean. I didn't take them. And my son literally was like, oh, okay. And I was like, I don't know. I just, I wanted them, I wanted to be a part of that. And, and then when I knew it was wrong and I just couldn't, like, tell her, I felt stuck and I was just really hard. I feel like I had my husband here after he was like, are you going to tell him you gave him back? You know, like, and don't we have to punish him? And

I was like, no. And I think when you feel really secure in your parenting, which again, comes from actual resources, you trust it more than you trust any moment. And I was like, just let's like, wait a couple days. Let's just wait. I really mean, this doesn't always happen three days later, randomly, he came to me with the bag hysterically crying. He was like, I took them. No matter how old your kid is, when they're stuck telling them a story that's imperfect, don't make it. And then I gave it back and I felt so much

better. That's not really how real life works. Telling them a story and using that lead in, I can't tell you that so bad, you know, is so powerful. So telling our teenager some story, being a teen, feeling like you were disappointing your parents, not whatever it is I feel like is. And probably something you realize us. It's like an ultimate side door strategy into their house. Okay, I'll answer your last question quickly, I promise I I'll try, I'll try. I would say, well, you know, it's funny, you were talking about your putting your kids to

bed and saying, you know, I get me do a bedtime, you do that thing. And, and last night, I just did that to my kids. I said, I need to go prepare for Doctor Becky to come. And so you were channeling. All right, well, thank you. So, so rather than, I think a better wrap up is to invite you back, to come, I think we all get very few. Round of applause. We would love to have you back. And, and let's call it part two of this conversation. And, and, look, I just want to say,

as you all leave, carving out time, especially on a day where snow is coming in six hours. Well, no, but really, it it says a lot about you. And, like, I really think we all have narratives from our youth, from other things of like, I'm not doing enough and I do this and I messed up my kid and and actually we can't get rid of those narratives. So I think it's just good to say hi to them and recognize that the loudest stories we tell ourselves are often not the truest, they're just the most practiced.

And that, like, today, could be a day that you really build up a new narrative, which is just like, I did something really powerful for myself, for my family. A lot of you said you made people come to, like, be with your kids, to come here, which is saying I prioritized something I wanted to do even while it inconvenienced someone else. Cheers to that. The only way you get your needs met and let's just end by, like, really in your own voice. I don't even want it to be in mine. I swear it's more powerful

if it's your own. By saying to yourself, like I did something important, I made this happen. Being here mattered and you're all amazing. So thank you. All right. Thank you everyone so much for coming again. I will I will force Becky to come back. I'm sure it will be a very hard sell. So, how do you like being back on East Campus? I really think I had class here. How new is it? It opened our freshman year. Okay, so I had class here. That's wild. I mean, it's so wild, so. Yeah. It's amazing. It's amazing.

Here. Thank you.