Dr. Orna's Best Relationship Tips | Couples Therapy | Paramount with SHOWTIME

[Music] I'm being sincere when you already have it you're you're it's not missing from your relation just say it again even even if you're doing that effort you can just say here's what I'm trying to do here's what I'm already successful at doing that's not the same thing I think you'll get way more traction if you say rather than say I've been doing it all this time is if you say I can try harder to not be [Music] dismissive what triggers me is when you talk to me in this way or that way but I

still want to keep making the effort to be respectful yeah that's insulting to whom to me that that's a it's a ridiculous thing to say bear that insult it'll be good for your marriage I won't do and I don't want it I if you could if you were to give me everything I ever wanted by doing that I'd say no I'd rather have nothing than have that um you know she's done or said something that I don't like or she acts in a way I don't like I just don't want to reward that behavior anymore

I'm not so you Retreat as a way to punish not as a way to punish it's just not reward is punish okay maybe that's you're having you're trying to have an impact by retreating a passive impact by saying I don't want this be this I don't approve of this Behavior yes yeah and the behavior you don't approve of is I don't know she gets mad all the time she's always mad at something she's always yelling at something you know anger is rarely a Primary Emotion right usually anger is like some kind of defense against something

else feeling humiliated feeling sad feeling hurt you know people don't like to feel vulnerable so they put up anger so your way of avoiding the fighting is to try to minimize interaction yeah oh yeah like you could be offering more and you're withholding Maybe because you're resentful or yeah so what if when you want to withdraw and minimize interaction go towards you hear what elain wants from you right she wants to spend time with you yes yes you're laughing because I feel like I will do that right and I'll do that for six days out

of the week that's seventh day M if she wants me to do something and I don't want to do it or I can't do it it's all for not and it's just like you we have we have to deal with that and I will help the two of you deal with that I I don't feel like I want to deal with that anymore oh what I'm here you can't that's not no no we're working all right my Approach is different like I just like tuck it away like I don't say anything the business of tucking

things away doesn't really work to sustain a real marriage but I think the way I've been handling is that like I go into this disbelief that she and I resent her for it like and I just don't right but then you grow increasingly miserable and resentful not feeling good about your s and resentful that your efforts are not recognized and I assume that some of these behaviors just slip away and you start acting shady they're almost like passive aggressive ways of getting back at Evelyn for making you feel bad maybe even I'm going to punish

Evelyn unconsciously maybe maybe maybe it might be tied into that like it's almost just kind of like a you know forget you kind of thing like I'm do you make me feel bad I'm just so I don't care about you or your feelings are me sure by operating this way you weaken the relationship yeah so you weaken it and then it's harder to trust it when you say something like for what mhm do you know what impact that's having how you're coming across it may seem like I don't care MH to go out even in

that split moment like I had a smirk on my face because you know like I thought it was something special and it just came out that way like I was kind of like hiding my smile for that for the fact that he was telling me that he wanted to take me out why are you hiding this what is going on I don't know I don't know I don't know well no stop think why are you hiding your smile it just turning a smile into a smirk it just happens that way but you're saying that the

inside feels the opposite that you're happy that you're noticing that Drew is offering you something special yeah and you're turning it around into kind of a nasty response well I mean as far as my dad's concerned I mean if for him it's lost cause I mean I'm a worthless person to him and he doesn't want to ask forgiveness and I'll never give it to him I don't really care when I guess I don't care I mean I don't care it's very hard to not care when you're when he's your father it's just just puts you

in in an well yeah I mean it sounds shitty to say that I don't care I it doesn't sound shitty I mean he sounds like something was wrong with him my mom's you know completely different now and we have a wonderful relationship yes I haven't dealt with any of this but I've also moved so past it that you know I I'm kind of like in that it is what it is u um right but I guess I mean getting into a relationship that matters to you will kick all of that up very true um I

choose to push through and make things happen but there's some way that you deal with the emotional implications of whatever we're talking about differently yeah and I think India is suggesting that you do some kind of dissociation there that you cut yourself off from that I'm a I'm always torn between that because it's like you know what am I supposed to do with that you know mhm it's like I'm I'm here trying to just make a living for myself what am I supposed to do with that yeah I'm sorry why are you sorry well the

way I see it sometimes is that even the acknowledgement is so taxing so I don't know sometimes I choose just not to not to give validation to it and just but I I just want to understand so when you say when you allow yourself more contact with feelings and you say what am I supposed to do with this what happens between the two of you is there somewhere for that to go between the two of you well I mean well I would ask the question what is she supposed to do with it yeah you know

it's it's uh obviously I shared with her but I don't necessarily want to but do you get upset in that moment mhm uh no very matter of fact no because first of all that is like a great burden to carry on your own and even if you dissociate from it it's still there yeah Weighing on you yeah so there's plenty of things that happen when you share it with another person and you feel understood it has this kind of miraculous power to transform very difficult feelings to something that becomes useful yeah and help the two

of you deepen what you have together we were like in Cloud n last week yeah yeah and then here I go just bringing it all down you know I was thinking about your comment at the at the end of last session MH about like the Crush is and one way to think about it is that you were saying to the two of you look there's still stuff for us to work on we're not on cloud n MH you know what she said was hurtful but she kept wanting to have conversations and I was like what

did Ora tell you Ora told you you need to have the conversation with yourself not me yeah talk to your subconscious maybe bring it to the Forefront while you even said that I think what really brought it to to light was just writing about it cuz she wasn't going to hear it so I wrote about it but I wrote just a whole bunch of like little details where I was like oh do I feel like I'm deserving of this do I feel like you know I'm just one that always sabotages stuff like I have all

these fears but the one thing that I know and that I I want after writing all of that was her yeah I Choose You you just just feeling more on the side of the exhale felt like I was I I feel like I've been living at the top of it like holding my breath um yeah can that image of like a frayed electrical wire but now you know I can't help but think about what I didn't understand which is that by emotionally withholding I have a part in this too mhm cuz I think in the

past I I have mostly walked away feeling indignant and feeling like you know the nice guy who's misunderstood by his wife there it is that it that's it that is that's how I feel I mean I'm way today I have needed that t-shirt for years yes yeah so I I was thinking when you were talking about aari graha I started to think about esta which is like what so EST another word is esta which means non-stealing which could also refer to not just things of course but energy time I I think the the grasping and

stealing is very good you grasp you steal and and sometimes I'm stealing her time when I'm not even in her presence because of what I've done to cause the you know to cause that cycle to you know play out I don't know I don't mean to like wrap some sort of button on and bow on anything at all I just that's sort of but you're you're first of all I very much appreciate what you're saying I'm sure it's very meaningful for you to hear that you're each doing real good work together so that's yours think

that's where I that's right I'm so different than the first time we sat here and when I wanted to run away from this whole thing like what is even the point what's the point can you let me do some of the work and you relax yeah okay so how are you feeling when m is saying these things she's not wrong like she's aware of the facts as well as I am mhm like the reason I was chuckling was I was imagining mik running a three-legged race with my son and I could imagine her like dragging

him along not caring that he was like crying and I feel like yeah I might lose the race if I ran with him but I think he'd enjoy it more it was more just like the absurdity struck me how do you feel when um is describing you as lazy unable to pull your weight I mean that hurts exploiting her I don't think I'm lazy I think I work pretty hard how do you feel I don't like that it hurts her but I do like that she provokes me to do more and be better so there's

something about this Dynamic that's working for you right and that's probably unhealthy for me to just be like well that works for me what I'm trying to decipher is whether you're there's something about this kind of dynamic of being provoked that is enjoyable pleasurable to you or are you actually humiliated or both I wouldn't say that it's pleasurable I'd say that it's [Music] useful give up are we love are we giving up are we love are we giv