Closure after your Relationship | Stephanie Lyn Coaching

hey guys welcome back thanks for joining me for another video my name is Stephanie I am a life and relationship coach if you're a subscriber thank you guys for joining me for another video and if you are new to this channel please click the subscribe button down below we post videos every I say we I mean me I post videos every week ranging from a ton of different topics from emotional abuse narcissistic abuse learning how to really love yourself learning how to heal really this channel is just about learning how to be emotionally and mentally

healthy so this is where we're gonna learn how to take the best care of ourselves to create the best life possible and actually enjoy this ride that we're on called life so what I want to do in this video is I want to go over narcissistic relationships and really about the relationships what I want to talk about is closure and how we can get closure how closure sometimes tends to be like the most difficult thing when we're coming out of these really abusive and toxic relationships so for me I had to really kind of go

back in time and remember like what were the things that I really struggled with when I was coming out of this relationship in terms of closure because the long story short is you're not going to get the closure that you want to get out of this relationship so normal healthy relationships when they end even if one person fell out of love with the other person even if one person maybe cheated on the other person whatever there's some kind of like guilt there's some kind of mourning there's some kind of feeling and humaneness to the fact

that this relationship is ending I could be the one ending it but the relationships ending and I want to give the respect that this relationship deserves I want to give my future ex partner the respect that they deserve and do it in a mature and healthy way not the case not going to happen so let's just get that right out of the way what you're really really hoping to get is a person that comes to you ends the ship in a mature way in a caring way someone who has empathy someone who's gonna end the

relationship and not be abusive and hurtful and possibly throwing their new relationship in your face so all of these things that you sometimes go through when you are ending a relationship with someone who's narcissistic it's very different dealing with this type of personality than dealing with a normal healthy person that perhaps just realizes you know what I love you I'm not in love with you and I just don't think that we're right for each other and maybe you can't come to terms of that right then in this moment but looking back and say you know

what you're right we actually weren't really right for each other this relationship completely different so something that's really important to understand when you're coming out of these relationships a lot of the reasons why you're not going to get the closure that you need you're not gonna get the person that comes to you and says things in a very kind and loving way is because this person is an abuser they're a taker and so by really giving you closure that really is ending the relationship like really putting like a stamp on it and this person doesn't

really want to end the relationship because they still want to use you for for what they want to get out of you now that may not be an actual relationship it could be manipulation it could be if I really give this person closure then I can't really love bond her anymore like I can't or him I can't really keep coming back and forth in their life and so by not giving you closure it sometimes leaves the door open for let's talk about this more let's work on this again or there's back and forth that sometimes

happens when you're in these abusive relationships so now if I don't give you what it is that you need then you know going no contact or not seeing you were speaking to you like I said it doesn't put that stamp on and it leaves the door open the other thing with closure is when you're dealing with this type of personality is especially if perhaps you're the one ending the relationship with a narcissist what this means is you are not seeing this person for how they want to be seen so long story short is you're no

longer a good source of narcissistic supply so if you're not a good source of supply whether you're ending the relationship because you're like you know what I'm seeing things that I don't really like anymore and it's time to nip this in the bud it's time to end this relationship so you have seen this person for who they are and you don't like it and you're ending the relationship not a good source of supply if you perhaps are being discarded or the narcissist is leaving you you on some level are no longer a good source of

supply maybe you've become too needy maybe quite frankly you have a nervous breakdowns maybe you you know your whole world is wrapped around this person maybe you're starting to kind of like try to hold the person accountable for their actions and how they contribute to the relationship so because you're starting to do all of these things didn't mean that you wanted to end the relationship but you're just in a normal relationship where there's give-and-take and compromise and communication and accountability and things like that this person wants nothing to do with that so again you're no

longer a good source of supply so not being able to have that end in the relationship conversation and really saying you know what I love you I still care about you just doing things in a very healthy and mature way when we do any relationships whether we are the ones ending them or someone is ending the relationship with us because they can't have those conversations they don't want to do those actions in their mind it's almost like a form of punishment for not being able to give them what it is that they needed so nurses

are very very vindictive and they're very childlike so like any child if a child is not getting their way you're going to get some backlash from that child and it's no different when dealing with someone who's narcissistic so like I said when two mature people decide okay we're gonna end this relationship or one person decides to end this relationship they're gonna do it in a very healthy tactful sensitive loving way hopefully because they understand then this news is probably news to this person that I'm in right right maybe they don't know that the relationship is

gonna end maybe they don't think that there's a problem so it's gonna be done in a very like tasteful kind way so you're not going to get that because they want to punish you for all the things that you did wrong in the relationship so by not giving you the closure that you need a lot of this also is about control and it's a it's about control and it's about a narcissistic supply so if I leave the window open and I don't do the closure thing and I just kind of like bounce I ghost I'd

do it in a very hurtful way it needs in their mind it leaves the person still thinking about them still thinking about this relationship still pondering over why can't I get closure and in their mind they want they want that they like that like remember narcissus love attention whether it's positive attention or negative attention they love drama so it makes them feel important so without giving you the things that they know that you really want or need in order to kind of move on and just like be done with it that is a form of

punishment and again it is a form of control and again it is a form of narcissistic supply because they're getting supply from you they know that you're pondering this you're thinking about it but you're not happy that now you're upset because you're not getting what you need you know out of the ending of this relationship and maybe you're even starting to react to the narcissus and not responding to them because you're so angry because how dare you do it in this way how dare you just leave me for someone else how dare you just go

no contact how dare you just bring this up out of the blue after like 25 years of marriage and end this relationship because this is being done it kind of boosts up that ego again you're dealing with someone who is empty they have no sense of self they have no confidence they're severely severely insecure I mean on a very really unhealthy level where they constantly need validation that they're important and again negative or positive the next thing with the closure is a lot of narcissists sometimes especially the ones that end the relationships themselves and they

do it abruptly out of nowhere they need to create a story as to why they're ending this relationship to family to friends to co-workers to other people around them because a lot of people from the outside looking in are gonna say how could you have left that relationship like what was wrong you just got married you just had a baby you've been together for 30 years like and although of course we're all adults to know okay we don't know what happens behind closed doors a lot of the times a narcissist has to come up with

a smear campaign they have to come up with reasons so they can convince themselves that their decision is one that is best for them that it is the best decision so they have to conform these plots and these stories and kind of like start planting the seed across the board - family friends co-workers as to what really was going on in the relationship and how you're to blame and now when you don't start getting the closer closure that you need and you begin reacting in the negative way you're just basically feeding into all of the

seeds that are being planted and you're now becoming the character that they need you to be so everyone believes that smear campaigns or everyone believes that story that they're saying so it's so incredibly hurtful to not be able to get closure out of someone that you shared a life with you share a period of time with you share children with you shared a marriage with but when you're dealing with this type of mentally ill person it's so so important to say you know what I'm not getting the closure that I need so now this becomes

all about me and it becomes about me being by myself and learning to accept that I'm never going to fully get what it is that I'm really hoping to get out of this relationship or the ending of this relationship which is a human being the other reason why you're really never going to get closure is that empathy so we all know number one trait of someone who narcissistic is someone who lacks empathy so if he or she is unable to put themselves in your shoes and understand Wow like if I was in her shoes or

his shoes and this is what was happening to me like how would that make me feel and really kind of sitting in a space for someone else other than myself we wouldn't even be here having this conversation so because this person lacks this number one thing that makes all of us human because they lack that inside you're never gonna get someone that's gonna be able to say you know what you're right like I need to do this in a very loving way I need to be gentle I need to be kind I can't be vindictive

I shouldn't be throwing my new relationship in this person's face because that is so incredibly hurtful so because you're not dealing with that type of person you're dealing with someone who's just very very selfish they want to do what they want to do in the moment they want to hurt you because you were you were no longer a good source of supply you're not giving them what it is that they need they're feeling out of control and that's where the vindictive behavior comes in and sometimes the vindictive behavior is just not giving you the one

thing that they know that you would really need which is hey I'm sorry which is hey you know I don't want this relationship to end but we both know it needs to end and really doing things in just a kind human way so how do we move on when we can't get closure so like I said throughout this video one of the biggest things is you have to be able to give yourself that love and that acceptance and a lot of it is grieving its grieving who you thought someone was who what you thought they

were even capable of giving and that they're not able of giving it to you and it's also really importantly seeing someone for who they are meaning the behavior that you're getting is someone who's mentally ill the behavior that you're seeing even though it's extremely hurtful if you just remove that hurt that ego a little bit from the you know the situation you'll see someone for exactly who they are who someone who's narcissistic completely insecure completely lacks empathy someone who is definitely mentally ill and I guess when you start to kind of look at them in

that sense not that we're gonna have such compassion for the fact that they're so traumatized and damaged in this sense that they can't even recognize this unhealthy behavior we're not gonna do that but we're also not gonna take things that they do so personally where we ponder over it and we think about it all the time why are they doing this how could they do this we slowly again we grieve absolutely but we start to kind of like remove ourselves from the situation and kind of see it for what it is and understand that you're

not even dealing with someone who's at an adult level you may be looking at a physical adult but you're dealing really with a child and you can't get angry with someone who is that disturbed in the head that they wouldn't be able to come to you with love and compassion and honor what it is you had and end things in a very mature and loving way so I hope that that has helped you kind of understand a little bit as to why closure is so not gonna happen in these relationships and really one of the

things that you have to do to give yourself the closure that you need and one of the things is really really moving on with your life and it's a process and it's definitely something that we teach on this channel and it's definitely something that I teach in my private coaching so if you are interested in either of those things learning more about coaching I will link that down below if you are not yet following me on Instagram I will link that over here as well and if you do enjoy this video please don't forget to

give it a thumbs up and I'll see you next week