Who has more POWER in a RELATIONSHIP: three easy ways to make the determination

I'm Dr O'Brien taraban and this is cycax Better Living Through psychology and the topic of today's short talk is who has more power in a relationship power can be a touchy subject for folks many people would prefer it didn't exist at all which is just another way of wishing that power imbalances didn't exist in relationships however power is a fact of life and that's not necessarily a bad thing as without power nothing would ever get done now it would be far too simplistic to argue that men have more power in relationships or that women have

more power in relationships because the fact of the matter is that it can go either way and that's because it really depends on the specific individuals involved however I have three easy rules of thumb that you can use to determine who has more power in any given relationship let's get right to it first a working definition of power very simply power is the ability to get other people to act in the service of your goals think about it the most powerful people in the world do nothing for themselves they have Cooks to cook for them

bodyguards to protect them agents to represent them employees to work for them they have the ability to make other people move that's power so here's my first rule of thumb if you want to know who has the most power in a relationship or family system all you have to do is observe who moves the least for instance in many families the infant is the most powerful person in the system you can't reason with it you can't argue with it you can barely even communicate with it it just lies there and cries so everyone else has

to move to accommodate it it is pure emotion and emotion is a form of power in fact being so emotional that you can neither be consoled or reasoned with is a strategy that many adults today have failed to outgrow but we shouldn't necessarily be surprised by that since no one surrenders power unless they absolutely have to in any case the person who does less is usually more powerful than the person who does more but before I go any further if you're liking what you're hearing please consider sending this video to someone who might benefit from

its message it's Word of Mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow and you can also hit the super thanks button and tip me in proportion to the value you feel you derived from this video I really appreciate your support now here's another way to consider the question just like two people cannot like each other exactly the same amount which asymmetry gives rise to the balance of Attraction two people cannot be committed to a relationship exactly the same amount this is a hard fact of life and a bitter pill to swallow

we see this everywhere but we would prefer not to see it for instance you may not be your best friends best friend and your employer may not need you as much as you need your employer if you want to know who has more power in a relationship you simply need to consider who is less committed than the other I wish this weren't the case but it's true an easy way to tell who is less committed than the other in any relationship is to observe who issues ultimatums to whom a few weeks ago I met up

with Logan Yuri author of how not to die alone she's a lovely person and I had a fantastic conversation with her at one point in the discussion we were talking about marriage and she said to me behind every proposal is an ultimatum and we both laughed because I think we could both acknowledge the truth in that statement now the point of an ultimatum is to apply emotional pressure on the other person to motivate behavior in compliance with your agenda so it's powerful in the sense of my working definition of power getting other people to act

in the service of your goals and it does this by forcing the other person to move rule of thumb one while simultaneously expressing low commitment for the relationship rule of thumb two ultimatums require favorable power imbalances this is why you never see ultimatums among equals like could you imagine if your buddy gave you an ultimatum like hey man either we're gonna hang out three nights a week and drink beers or we are done because you are wasting my time like a real friend would step up and know how to treat a friend like how well

would that go over you'd probably think who the hell does this person think he is and you would never see ultimatums from the less powerful party like imagine an unarmed man demanding a group of soldiers lay down their weapons or else the soldiers would just laugh at him ultimatums only work from the top down and this leads me to my third rule of thumb in any given relationship if you want to know who has more power just consider who has more options than the other if your employer has 10 other people lined up for your

job who might be easier to work with then he's probably not going to be very responsive to your concerns or demands by the same token if you are being actively recruited by a dozen different companies you're probably not going to do anything you don't want at your current employment optionality is power now the way optionality is cultivated in the game of romantic relationships differs between men and women due to the fact that men and women are selecting for different things however in both cases the key component is visibility the way that women typically maintain optionality

is by being visibly attractive no matter what she says the real reason she's not giving up her Instagram account with a hundred thousand followers is this it's a daily and visible reminder to all involved that thousands of men find her attractive she may never step out of the relationship but surrendering that account would significantly diminish your optionality which is a form of power and power as previously noted is never surrendered unless absolutely necessary on the other hand the way men typically maintain optionality is by being visibly competent this is part of the reason why women

find men in uniforms of all kind to be so attractive the uniforms signify their owner's particular skill and competence to the world it's also why performing artists like actors and musicians generally have no trouble finding willing Partners the cheering and Applause they receive while they are up on stage is more than enough social proof of their competence and desirability so if a man is neither a performer nor a uniformed professional it behooves him to find some other stage whereupon he can be visibly competent to improve his optionality so there you have it who has more

power in a relationship the answer is it depends however you can potentially answer that question in your own case by observing who moves the least who is less committed and who has more options on the balance of things these will indicate who is more powerful in any given relationship what do you think let me know in the comments below and if you've gotten this far you might as well like this episode And subscribe to this channel you might also consider becoming a channel member with perks like priority review of comments or booking a paid consultation

as always thank you for listening