Sal Vulcano & Chris DiStefano Make Pasta Carbonara: Something's Burning

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All Things Comedy

Sal Vulcano from TruTV's "Impractical Jokers" and fellow comic, Chris DiStefano, join Bert in New York to make Pasta Carbonara on this episode. Find out how Bert stays healthy and what new Brooklyn vs old school Brooklyn means. ​ Bert Merch! https://www.bertbertbert.com/merch Get ATC merch! https://bit.ly/ATCShirts Subscribe! http://bit.ly/SubscribeToATC Get the Recipe! http://bit.ly/BurningCarbonaraRecipe More from All Things Comedy! http://www.allthingscomedy.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AllThingsComedy/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/allthingscomedy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/allthingscomedy/ Follow Bert! Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bertkreischer Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BertKreischer/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bertkreischer Follow Sal! Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/salvulcano/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/salvulcanoofficial/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/SalVulcano Website: https://salvulcanocomedy.com/ Follow Chris! Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdcomedy/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdcomedy Website: https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ Full Recipe! Simple Carbonara Recipe | Bon Appetit Simple Carbonara Ingredients 3 Tbsp. kosher salt, plus more 4 oz. guanciale (salt-cured pork jowl), pancetta (Italian bacon), or bacon 2 oz. Parmesan 4 large egg yolks 2 large eggs Freshly ground black pepper 2 Tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil 1 lb. spaghetti, bucatini, or rigatoni Equipment: Measuring Spoons Large Pot Chef's Knife Cutting Board Box Grater Whisk Medium Bowl Dutch Oven Wooden Spoon Heatproof Measuring Cup Colander Tongs Steps Heat 6 qt. water in a large pot over high. When water starts to steam, add 3 Tbsp. salt and cover pot with a lid (this will bring water to a boil faster). While you are waiting on the water, do a little prep. Remove 4 oz. guanciale from packaging and cut into about 1x1⁄4" strips. Finely grate 2 oz. cheese and set aside one-quarter of cheese for later. Whisk 4 egg yolks and 2 whole eggs in a medium bowl until no streaks remain, then stir in remaining grated cheese. Add several cranks of pepper and set aside. Working next to pot, heat 2 Tbsp. oil in a large Dutch oven or other heavy pot over medium. Add guanciale and cook, stirring occasionally, until crisp around the edges, 7–10 minutes. Remove pot from heat. Using a wooden spoon, fish out guanciale and transfer to a small bowl. Pour fat into a heatproof measuring cup, then add back about 3 Tbsp. to pot. Discard any remaining fat. Cook 1 lb. pasta in boiling water, stirring occasionally, 2 minutes shy of package instructions. Just before pasta is finished, scoop out 13⁄4 cups pasta cooking liquid with same heatproof measuring cup. Add 1 cup reserved pasta cooking liquid to Dutch oven and bring to a boil over medium-high. Drain pasta in a colander, then transfer to Dutch oven. Cook pasta, stirring constantly and vigorously, until al dente and water is reduced by about half, about 2 minutes. Remove pot from heat. Whisk 1⁄4 cup pasta cooking liquid into reserved egg mixture, then very slowly stream into Dutch oven, stirring constantly, until cheese is melted and egg is thickened to form a glossy sauce. Season with salt, if needed. Thin sauce with remaining 1⁄2 cup pasta cooking liquid, adding a tablespoonful at a time, until it's the consistency of heavy cream (you most likely won’t use all of it). Mix in guanciale and divide pasta among bowls. Top with pepper and reserved cheese. Recipe by Claire Saffitz Original Recipe from Bon Appetit. https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/simple-carbonara #BertKreischer #SomethingsBurning #Bertcast #Podcast #Cooking #DIY #EAT #HowTo #Food #BillBurr #Bertcast #ATCPresents #ATC #AD

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You give me a white wine and an antihistamine I'm [ __ ] suck a dick I swear to God you give me a claritin-d and a Pinot Grigio wait drinking he told me I caused you to show it to once and and he had lost like a hundred pounds and I was like what's your secret you know like what are you keto or work and I was like y'all black chorizo he goes and then everywhere we went like if we want to win somebody would have to Bring a taste of black cherry Celsus like I know and they say and he wrote on almost everybody that is Fat Joe [ __ ] you grew up in in Long Island right now not Brooklyn Brooklyn Brooklyn I keep asking everyone and this is what's driving me [ __ ] nuts cuz they made me feel like a racist you can't even ask anyone with that just cuz your race yeah telling Godfrey and I good to give a ground free and they were like they were like whoa what happened it's just a very Simple question a lot of lactic did this neighborhood used to be all black are you [ __ ] ever saw in this neighborhood you never saw anybody on a scooter you never saw a girl Marion scooter nobody had [ __ ] quinoa there was no flea markets my first dead body I ever saw was about four blocks away from here now there's bloom free cupcakes there it's just what it is in Brooklyn does that happen dude first of all let me Just tell you it's just a quick fun fact that was telling Sally in the car this park right across the street Fort Greene Park right there right there yeah Battle of Brooklyn happened there they found dead Revolutionary War soldiers British redcoats and Revolutionary War Patriots that's the body found yeah they found him buried there and now it's like the battle Brooklyn it happened right there if if we would have lost that we would never be free and we would This whole thing would just be with [ __ ] British accents really yeah right now cooking here yeah Battle of Brooklyn blessed George Chris Rock grew up see this is what I can are said about gentrification is that when you walk into a gentrified place you like wait this is amazing like and then you and then I said to someone so wait did they not have like that coffee shop on the corner and they go no it's got a liquor store [ __ ] yeah like for real I mean Yeah probably 15 15 the neighborhood I used to live in a Park Slope he's very gentrified now and my kids mom she's like just a real-deal Puerto Rican girl like tattooing her tent-like hair pulled back in a ponytail so tight like you know I've seen I like she's got it - she's got a tattoo I combined it because I'm in a Russian just my kid's mom and I love her but she's just a real deal girl from Brooklyn and a lot of things that happen in the new Brooklyn now is people Are passive aggressive and they have to tell you everything they have to be like let me call my articles and it's interesting now you're starting to get like the old Brooklyn people can afford to live here too now so now I'm starting to get this mix of [ __ ] like somebody told my kids mom some woke Wendy woman told my kids mom that when my kid was one that she was too old to have a pacifier in her mouth in the elevator and my kid's mom hit the emergency brake On the elevator with all three of us in it 14 years ago his Cooperman smoking a cigarette here nobody would said [ __ ] it's like ya are using you know gluten free milk she had tattoo on a bonnet on a tip she said she got a tattoo what is love heart of a butterfly on her heart from her mother and then she got breast implants and now it's just on ur dead and you don't have a tattoo on your tip I'm just fine maybe you can't fight in a bar with Heels on your nails and not lose them I did a bit tattoos because I found that I see to do as well I'll say massage those are my two words massage massage are you saying wrong no like a deep tissue massage you know I say with a hard G like a massage that's massage that's how you say it's not like short for misogyny or you say massage massage don't be afraid of it because he's off in the long run over a Hundred sweat they tell you improve your life because you're gonna feel it every day when you put them on and it really is I tell you what I spend money on ya clothing and bedding and and footwear really clothing and bedding could you say you spend what 60 percent of your life in the bed and then the other for your feet you sleep sounds a great friend he just one day just sent me a pillow for another grown man that's a pillow it stays cold yeah cool as the Other side of the pillow pillow all the time all the time they should make sure that international holiday called a man-friend day where you send your man friend every day we have Segura cept me you're sick Dicer Segura got me oh well you know I'm gonna wait for this conversation and then I'm and today we're making Segura sent me sweatpants to be on a pole to wear on a plane it's a pair he goes he goes what's her sweat pants to wear I said 38 and you guys Know really I said 38 he goes come on sends me 40 they were tight [Laughter] here and we're talking about the best pants to wear on a plane the ones I'll say right now my favorite ones I just got these ones would they're called they're call they're so [ __ ] they're like we were some four seasons with all bunch our kids and some parents and they had them in the gift shop and one of the kids is like real fashion all they were Like say oh these are like the hottest sweatpants around so I bottom was a joke flew to Europe in them oh what's the brand I don't know they're up in my room thinking of Four Seasons this seems a little bland all right let me keep me they discontinued the pillow they did yeah because I was trying to get it for I dig Yanis they discontinued if you if you're watching if there's one person that's watching with it Kenny we can we talk about this and can they reintroduce The pillow into the market because it really is the best let's go around best product you've ever found you can't live without you ready I'll tell you right now Ultimate Ears custom in-ear monitors they are molded to your inner ear there's four speakers inside them you put them in it shuts off all sound and when you're on a plane you hear nothing the music sounds so crisp they're super expensive foreign headsets but let me tell you something if you're someone who Likes to flies a lot and likes to be silent when you sleep yeah oh there's a name I can't live I have four pairs three pairs four pairs and I because I break him every now and then so I get drunk I step on them but I have the noise canceling but this sounds like a whole next level GameChanger [ __ ] game-changer why are we making pasta sauce okay throw it on there baby I always put pasta sauce on everything what's what's your waiter prop well I Gotta size and it's a legit I'll go with Nutella I mean yeah for a plane yeah I mean what do I look dude that bag that you got what's the bed what's the brand name of the other duffel bag I think it's hex hex duffel bag it's got two compartments for different shoes and then it's got a middle compartment for your clothes and that's it and it's got compartments for you know and all your pills that you need to bring this guy just buys me gifts I feel like my baby Mama I love that I'm just [ __ ] a great best friend ever hey what's your favorite favorite product my mattress no memory foam I keep talking meeting a meeting but I have the one it's like the old craftmatic adjustable remember those wavy board to give you a toaster or microwave VCO yeah and you can just go yeah so I got the chapter panic mattress and they have like it's like exactly to my specifications and then I have the Thing that goes up down massage massages yes so it's really like it's really like I said because I'm spending a third of my life on that mat yeah it's a smart thing though I go and I forget about once I go buck wild with linens as well by the way I saw that you since began cooking haven't started washing hands i watch over you guys you're gonna tell you something again just this is a new Brooklyn Olde Brooklyn thing because I'm old Brooklyn and Salas we don't give a [ __ ] good we're used to dirty hands there's no way the guys in the pizzeria I'm not seeing guys sneeze on their hands and then make the pizza I still walk and eat it but a new Brooklyn person would amputate your hands and call their senators bro I am a honey pot for diseased Europe yeah I shake hands with maybe a thousand people a night yeah I take maybe I think maybe oh yeah I can't do that oh dude I take shirtless pictures with dues sure sweaty skin tag There's a mommy dude it's like I was in this casting once in LA and this person was like I only done shake hands and I was like guys like just at some point I understood listen I get a little girl yeah I get a little [ __ ] girl I support everything all the women's rights move it's on there but at some point you're just gonna have to be a [ __ ] you couldn't name a woman he doesn't support kid named Charlie name a Woman's movement right now tweeted at me I'll fart I guarantee my support as I you simply just have to be a guy like this casting director he was like I wouldn't shake hands you know what you know with diseases I'm like the cleanest I'll be all day is that this [ __ ] audition yeah I stand on the corner of 4th Avenue and 19th Street every year since early 2000s high five and twenty five thousand New York City Marathon runners running by I've never gotten Sick I will love to but I will yeah yeah I remember when I first got I told you I got it was at a the Oklahoma State Fair was a boots where they were engraving leather items and it was like a nine year old woman working the booth and I was like oh god I want to get fat [ __ ] on the wallet anything and a lot like and she's like is it really anything and she says yeah what is it and I said it's gonna be little crest but it's what my friend calls me so it's Really coming from place to love yes I want you get a friend you guys what is it I go can I get trapped on the wall she puts into things just be ready in two minutes yeah she did she banged out a bunch of fat comes because all the people they'd been through all this [ __ ] it was the holidays now is that my girlfriend's family's house yeah extended so it was like the one like the parlor you know when you have the separate living room So it was like all the cousins in this room and all the parents and it's so I'm in the cousins room well eating like turkey and like a big meal and everything and I was like I only just bust this out right now you know this is a great joke so I was like it was a college so I got my grandmother got me a wallet for Christmas I threw it on the table and all of her cousins looked at that looked up at me dead [ __ ] silence and Just kept the really okay back on yeah that's great we are today we are making my gap I guess I should probably reduce my guests my guests are to my favorite human beings alive literally and I say that in the fact that we watch every other intro that every other guest you've had on this show and see how do you bob and weave that I don't intro every guest to be honest okay I thought about often I forget about it Chris is Stefano Sal Vulcano to hilarious guys on The way to Albany right now we are making pasta carbonara nice no I'll tell you what you do that cuz we have Italian last names yes yeah I wanted to keep it Brooklyn I wanted to keep it old-school this is one of my favorite meals ever I went to I love you wanted to keep it Brooklyn laws you wearing a Coachella [Laughter] watch your speed he's wearing flip-flops are normally and Stroke superstar real nice [ __ ] feet thank you that no way I could if I look at a man's feet I can feel like their toes on my shoulder but he's a pretty nice piece good feet good for you dude I went to Rome I went to Rome you've been if he doesn't in Italy now I had a guy Rome but I was in the mouth because yes I went to Rome and I met with this pizza maker this when I was working on a Travel Channel and he said I make the world's greatest pizza I live in New York I vary pizzas he goes no no I actually make the world's Greatest pizza I said what do is i won the award for the world's greatest pizza and I went what is it and he goes it's a piece of pizza carbonara and I went how do you do that you can't cook yeah sure yeah right the egg yolk is what makes the sauce he was watch so a lot of times what you do is you make the egg yolk that's the sauce for some pepper okay cheek you make it with these two and then you put a little you put a Little pasta water in there okay and that's kind of thickens it the pasta water is important what he did is he made the pizza took the egg yolk the peppers the prosciutto or whatever and then he put an ice cube on top of it so the egg yolk wouldn't cook right so you got it legit it was on a roll in Rome it's one of the best things I've ever had we just got to render this a little bit cook it I'll see ya you know you're doing you have words using words Like rendom yeah yeah we're gonna render this we're gonna save the facts we're gonna pour the fat in the sauce we're gonna make that egg we're gonna take seven egg yolks one full egg we're gonna stir that but not whip it just stir it in put some black pepper in you bucatini pasta how's your Contini process we do it but we got high cholesterol and blood pressure well this is not the meal trusted honesty man you know what you want to know what a [ __ ] Brooklyn thing I used to happen was those eggs first of all now nobody throws eggs anymore on Halloween right no thanks it's just used to be it might have been us I don't know if that was you guys smashing pumpkins and throwing it next do what time I do a bottle of ketchup at a bus out of front of a bus window dancin a college-aged they then show the watch it wipers anything you can't that's it they just ketchup all over but These brown eggs one of my friends patty flyball shadow County flyballs FDNY this guy's save their lives but he also used to dip eggs in there and then throw them at people and then people would just have bald spots no as a firefighter so yeah but he's also the kind of firefighter where like if your house is burning down and you have like the Yankee swag and he's a Mets fan he'll walk right out of your [ __ ] house like you'll burn a lot we Should do a show called state stereotypes meeting up yeah I'll get a guy from Florida who's got a big plan about moving exotic birds out yeah from the Bahamas and PVC pipes and he'll meet your friend is like yeah yeah yeah that's what it is nobody does that anymore nobody so we have weird I never saw a brown egg that's an organic egg well that does because now it's like kids like my my my kids mom she has it the kid for appreci relationship he's Like nine and I said you can throw eggs is Sharon Halloweeny like why would I throw a raisin cream and I seem gonna dip aids with shaving cream enthrone he's like what do you mean like an organic egg why would I throw that and I'm like what do you want your drama somebody was open season I would Pelt seniors with do it yeah [ __ ] really would here's like guys that are when you're out of being a junior or old People the homeless guy my neighbor his name was Scotty karate because you would do it like you'd give him a doggy karate I swear to God shoutouts got it he's definitely dead but shattered friend no is but he would do anything you would give him a dollar and he would do a backflip I remember the one time there was a broken out bus window and it was all shards of glass of we were walking by and then Scotty was just standing there like on crack and me and my boys Are walking back down to the park and he and Scotty was like what's up boys karate I think it's like you guys give me a dollar right now to this [ __ ] fun karate karate yeah we gave him a dollar and the kid just did a backflip right into the the shards of glass hit his head knocked himself unconscious and me and my boys Enid Shore just gave him three more singles put it on his chest walked away it was excellent too but I don't know why those eggs make me think Of all that oh no we were we did horrible things when we were kids no sock up a tube sock yeah do that with eggs flour and shaving cream then just just wit ya rippin up people do easily I used to go into people's houses like whatever let's say you invited us over your house whatever no but we're friends like you know commenting me my boy Karen used to do with all stance and push your air conditioner right out your window and die laughing at it even though we Could have killed random cats and gin that's right now I'm a little bit in shock at that one yo I'm a completely different person why even I even though I'm wearing a shirt that says overthrow I just embrace violence I don't do that but I'm when I was a teenager we were very bad how was post push right how was that received I'll tell you what happens cuz I did that one time to my own air conditioner 2nd floor of our house I lived right above the the entryway the Walk has where mine was and I said well we're moving out time to grab my alarm goes out no we would unplug it and just push it out I mean we would do stupid [ __ ] like one of my my boy Andy his father left his credit card on the table once we ordered three mattresses to their house we waited a week just watch this [ __ ] dad open the door which is just a kind of bacon it's all bacon it's from the pigs cheek where'd you learn how to cook this dish this morning Molly Bass Bon Appetit my favorite [ __ ] chef across the board I'm basically making her recipes oh he's never made this dish no I've never made it and I've always wanted to make oh I went to a Knicks game a year ago and Ari Shaffir got [ __ ] loaded drank 10 vodka sodas and I banged a lesbian chef [ __ ] all I can see in my head is barri going me yeah they were both of a job did you turn well I didn't turn anything I was starting to get woozy from the dress it Is this um there's a gap in detail in the story okay so I know you're at the game and you had ten vodkas so doctor says take me to how you bagged a lesbian chef so I'm at the game Atari Luis Gomes is there and I'm action with my boy yeah so I'm my point patty flyballs is there too and I'm always early karate you know do it Scottie karate is 100% dead ball so you will one day meet Pat it's eyeballs is big fan he loves you I swear To God is huge Spaniard so hi patty fly balls and you always get in trouble with this guy watch the Knicks game drinking vodka sodas vodka sodas Marcus oh is this lesbian chef comes over to us famous one like they do thank you laughs from with this poem about she goes let's go to an after-party so we go to the after-party contingency drink all the sudden I like when did you find out that shoes have lesbian [ __ ] what hey here's what happens so so what happens Is as we go back to our apartment I vaguely remember this I wake up the next morning completely naked sweating I'm just completely naked have no idea what happened I wake up she's in an apron just an apron naked with her ass sticking out whipping up the most beautiful pancakes I've ever seen in my life homemade whipped cream a stack of pancakes like this like chocolate chip banana pancakes syrup coming down the side like a [ __ ] commercially willing I wake up and I'm like I'm like what's going on first why so where am i and then she told me stick around my apartment she's like I'm a lesbian [ __ ] [Laughter] [Music] talk so I say to her I said do we have sex I said she goes you bet your ass we do and then I said but are you a lesbian she goes once a year I go cruising for dick we tried to she was like and then you know I just couldn't get it up like I was completely intoxicated she's like what he wants some pancakes and then I threw up like the most beautiful pancakes ever I just [ __ ] threw up I was the most drunk I've ever been in my life and it was brutal because I missed one I missed my daughter's uh my daughter had a play I [ __ ] missed it and then her mom said what were you doing last I was like I'm sick and that's the last time I actually drank that's the last time I got drunk was a Year and a half ago when I bang lesbian chef I miss my daughter's play Wow that'll do it that'll do it yeah how do you have the energy that you have to like all our party do shows kill a life and do all this stuff and not get sick because me and Sal just constantly get sore throats and headaches oh and we just like are out of commission but like you don't stop they start out I think a part of it's an emotional thing I think I have like a hard time I get um I get FOMO real easy so right I can push through so I want to be out with people I want to be doing stuff and your body but your body doesn't break down you do get sick of times what also happens is that my body will push it I won't get sick like I did the whole tour I'm with the tour we did was aggressive the UK tour the UK one cuz that won't look sick that was a gret I mean more poor mark Normand was dead shortly and he was like cuz you want to go home Would you do it mark Normand I'll just you Joe yeah yeah me Hammond we had a cameraman we had a tour manager and it was great but I partied hard I'm done when I go home tomorrow my body will kick down cuz I fly home tonight my buddy will kick down and I'll probably like alright they need a day but do you take time I'm gonna say will you then just take a day or two like just to be home sure I get I get it I get obsessive because I start going I got any joke I Want to go to the store under the store tonight even though I don't want to I'll go to the store tonight I'm gonna go do this I'm gonna do that I feel I said I feel guilty if I don't work I feel like I feel like this is the first I've been in this business for 20 years the last three I've been able to make money doing what I love is just cetera and so I'm like make hay with a Sun shines like yeah push it as hard as you can are you want to put the Elat or put me On tour January to March get me the Europe get me to Australia then let's start it up again in September and let's push all the way to the end the other special I'll just write my [ __ ] dick off like that's where my head's at because Jude I mean there's so many people in this business that don't get opportunities when you get an opportunity a hole you don't [ __ ] season you [ __ ] another Tupac knowing I'm gonna die you know when was the last Time you had musical pressure pressure blood pressure no cholesterol take a pill I take two pills for blood bro he's still drink and then in my liver just like this you know they could just do it if I go down on a woman I get a sore throat for five days I'm out of commission I sit so tight you're going out doing stuff I lick a [ __ ] I'm done I swear to god yeah I don't know how to do anything but I think I can figure it out I think I'm gonna go up and down on that yeah here put it on that shredder on that this is on if there's any side matter you want it to be a little I think this sides probably good you want to be a little big we're gonna melt it into the right let's see let's see what that looks like I mean you look like you're really yeah that's a little thick let's go let's go this one okay see when we when we when we went on tour last last June Yeah this is where you got me I when we got up and went to the airport in the morning you went through the bar and got a pint and you were drinking at the bar that yeah that's where like I don't I just couldn't do it yeah that's where I thought you did a night before with you but then in the morning I don't want to see a drink oh that's my favorite drink in the day that early-morning beer where you're like we were like also you drink it and Everything kicks back in yeah you get on the plane something oh you know what is it too early for a double jack on the rocks lots of ice fill it to the top I'll see if I can get you one then you have one of those you're out you get back to the hotel you guys want to get lunch let's get a couple bites of lunch right nap you only have like four drinks nap wake up turn that's perfect that's provable that's perfect here oh we're gonna do This one too yeah no chance no chance I can't do anything you're on the plane by the way do you remember this you took on the plane you took the phone and we're making announcements on the plane telling people to come up to my seat and to meet me on the plane you remember that's a good morning and you remove that drop you were shocking that have to be violating so many air safety laws do you it's very car just what I write I know it just looks up like what the [ __ ] Is going on what's like some of this grease into this I don't drink beer though like that like no I'm being dead serious I'm not I'm trying to be funny for me to get ripped you give me a white wine and an antihistamine I'm [ __ ] suck a dick I sweat it out if you give me a claritin-d in a pinot greej don't you bang your car wherever you want there's no sore throats that way to the [ __ ] [Laughter] [Laughter] on the East Coast we need more we might need more that okay yes both cheese chop these up just at a bit to get them smaller what is the in the tenure of your cooking show what's the biggest mishap that's happened if at all yeah almost David tell Omar yesterday oh yeah we almost had a legit grease fire yesterday like burn the house down grease fire that happens wait what was that not like Well it's still there yeah it was it's the same as it's always been really I read a stat I love history I'm a huge history I watch The History Channel about Stan all the time well know what wodsworth fort Watts worth is a lot of history there but I was watching a history show and they do like these little pop-up interstitial and it said it the ED set of facts said the FBI right now belief that 90% of the active Italian mafia lives on Staten Island and The 90% it's that kind of thing that carries over and not everyone thinks that about everybody so like you think I'm in the Mafia you know like you're from stuff that show though okay you know pronto me did just get killed on Staten Island actually Tokyo bein said that yeah and he's a perfect sweet that the Mafia is such an end we and when I don't like you don't walk out of your door and like just be like oh mafia yeah it's not like That I don't know anyone in the Mafia Traficante that was a the get made killed Kennedy apparently yeah yeah and that was I mean we definitely you knew that I knew the Trafficante he's growing up I mean my buddy's dad got my buddy's grandfather got murdered by the Italian mafia hmm and so you knew all this stuff growing up you just kind of used was he out of line on no he was a [ __ ] he was a paper salesman yeah and they wouldn't he wouldn't submit to the mob and they Just like out we are way dude my aunt like my father sister's husband was murdered by the Italian mafia and like in the 90s and then every month for however many years somebody would drop a bag a brown paper bag of cash behind a certain plant and it was like probably the the family that killed my husband this was like you know we [ __ ] left you a widow so now we take care of you but your husband had to go for whatever now there's a marketplace in Brooklyn Where it's a [ __ ] Jamba Juice there's gonna be [ __ ] so good this is a [ __ ] good where do you see what we got coming I can't [ __ ] away then we have the cheese out of here for you yeah put it over here yeah your mom make like amazing Italian Italian dishes not so much really how about Church my mom is uh was is Irish so she did in uh she didn't know she was probably it's just like mashed potatoes and my grandparents for the cooks yeah yeah really Stepmother can cook yeah I can't I truly I try to do like that was it um hello fresh or something not hello fresh a glue a brain where they send you the ingredients but I'm just like I can't [ __ ] do I we tried that in my household for a while but they say it's for beginners but it's not it comes in its old I mean this it's crazy I would never even think to do like you know what I mean I will never have this dish in my life outside of But blue apron is my favorite I think I can make a blue apron very easily that's the only one we use we love blue apron it's change my [ __ ] family's life when I switch then you have to flip maybe it's like working out where you get we get past the hum but then you get some base knowledge then you enjoy any age I've never had it's a barrier to entry I don't know what I'm doing so I don't works not even looking or those are instructions but you're not really Looking no no no I know everything I'm gonna make this I've made it before everyone who cooks enjoys it feel like it's like cathartic it's just like a like just relieved I like I love because it's you know what it is it's a gamble it's almost like going to casino because I get it all made I'm looking at it I'm like okay this looks good but then when I give it to you guys and you taste it you're like actually this is great great it's almost Like going yeah some of these dishes are touching go yeah look I'm like I didn't I made a national hot chicken one time and I took a bite and I was like it's actually good and everyone was like you're the one that cooked it yeah you shouldn't be shocked but I don't like cooking for my kids it makes you feel like like a dad yeah I could see yeah neither I get home and I'm like I could literally just order something and it'd be brought here yeah well that's New York though see we don't have those options like that in LA like the where I live in LA there is nothing around to eat so if you go to eat you got to get in the car you got to drive somewhere you guys there's everything right yes yeah yeah so why would you I know like that's it doesn't it I'm not gonna start grating cheese yeah yeah actually that's kind of fun to see one of the work that I've done it's nice you contributed to the dish I smell like a fungus but it's [ __ ] nice thank you so much I appreciate that guys the car is gonna yeah we'd have to stop at a CVS yeah maybe there's to make a difference it's a three-hour drive to Albany so all these picture with that state capital view do you really get buzzed like where to God like that because now I'm just into like a maintained level I have a beard I'm like a little more relaxed ya know that's what I do I don't really like to Drink beer I don't drink vodka soda that much it's usually wine and then I usually if I really want it you know what I'm doing shows with South tonight so I'll just maybe I'll have a wine probably not but you a vodka soda your vodka soda I drink whiskey just neat or vodka soda or white wine those are my three days yeah I'll have a nice cold like regular beer I don't do it fancy but we have video maybe a beer like it but my meal but I won't I don't drink like Rihanna for beers like I've never in my life I don't think I've ever bought a six-pack I have what multiple bottles of Sutter Home White Zinfandel in addition to I do why's it yeah I'm good night for me if you see me leaving a CBS with a bag of the six small sauna home White Zinfandel a claritin-d and a nasal spray you know I'm ready to have a good night that something bad just happened so if I hit the [ __ ] neti pot yeah I mean the neti Pot that I'm going through a breakup what is the difference do you think between New York comics and LA comics these days because I'm seeing a distinct difference hanging out in New York with you guys there's a there's a little more of a intensity rapidfire like dump of everything where is some I think LA comics I feel like they've been over saturated the market a bit with their personalities sometimes and does that make sense I'll tell you what first of all myself included by the way first of all right now maybe it wasn't this way ten years well right I mean the LA comics are beating the [ __ ] out of the New York comics when it comes to careers I mean you guys are multimillionaires I'm gonna Corolla if you know what I mean but I also have specials out and I'm doing things on podcast but it's like you know I take the bus you guys are [ __ ] your ammo you know your little Lemons you're going nuts so it's like the career trajectory for LA comic right now is better I mean if you get into that la scene in that you're you know when I went on your yeah I mean next thing you know my shoulders are sold out that wasn't that way I can go on any New York comedians podcast well maybe Irish appears got a big podcast but you know and girls got to eat and gauzy [ __ ] those are big ones but they're few and far between But as far as like just the actual creative aspect of it I think in New York you have to the audience's attention spans are a lot lower I mean if you're not funny in ten seconds at the Comedy Cellar the audience is just there they're on to something else because we got to be fast here the actual room is different that's what all the rooms are different a lot of the rooms in New York are just small basement rooms yeah and the vibe there Is different than like these big rooms up and it is a that is a showcase room you're doing 15 minutes in front of 300 people and you know what and you know and by the way I think they'll go with you I think where is yeah New York I did the cellar the other night and you can see they're like next well the thing is I mean on Comedy Cellar like I've seen the greatest all-time legends you know you get like Jerry Seinfeld says you get the first five minutes for them to deck All the Seinfeld's here and then after that it's like that [ __ ] has worn off in New York they don't care anymore they're like well now you just a guy that I'm used to so are you do have funny jokes if not I'm not gonna laugh at you yeah it's what it is it's been fun hanging out with the New York comic because I think it's because of crowd work and the immediacy of getting over with a car audience New York comics come in rapid-fire am i right I'm not like and whereas an LA comic they me like when we do the show they'll build to something they'll work to something there or maybe they've done so many podcasts yeah that they don't want to say things they've said before New York comics men have been dumping hard like snow well also I think of culture in just the northeastern part of the country like yeah maybe because like the weather changes and stuff and how How many people are in like you have to almost be funny like the people who do the bad I know everybody in my family the funny you are the further you go it's like you know as soon as I walk into a party or something my family somebody's make it fun of song it's all breaking ball breaking ball so it's like you've been doing I don't think I think like a lot of guys who are from the East Coast don't realize they've been doing stand-up their whole Or not really yeah because you got to be quick man I mean like that's the only way to fit it in my family's if you have to be rapid-fire [ __ ] I know what well yeah why is that why is that that every week okay if you had to say well the funniest state in the world it's gotta be New york-new per capita the New York or Massachusetts yeah New York Rome executers maybe they have two funniest people yeah and then and then I think it Goes down and so you get to a place like Utah where I wouldn't say it's the funniest people in the world but and then I think this is it space is it you're a long more the same reason they have gun laws the reason gun laws are stricter in places like this in California is because we all live closer together yes sensory overload here - it's like processing things it's just like what the patterns of like right now with the how kids are grown with the Internet and and access to every day all the time information at one time just like short attention to what you said it's just I think it everything's in your face here a lot more right right and it's so like that that affects the way you processing your own personality also like I think it starts I don't know how actually how it isn't it in LA I didn't start there but the Open Mic scene in New York City you know is five o'clock you know 5 p.m. show starts you Got to pay five dollars to get on to the audience of ten people and those ten people are all comedians that hate you and don't care about your jokes so the the path of resistance is really really really hard because really when you're first starting I mean these people they hate you they're like we're your competition it's broad daylight out and you have to make us laugh yeah well it's like nothing is set up like I go to these other cities like our open mic Night is on Mondays and eight o'clock they're still there yes yet some say New York is like even the I remember like what I was doing open mics is like 2009 - like 2011 2012 but I still will do them it doesn't matter because I saw Jim Gaffigan and Gary Gulman both drop into an open mic in New York City when I was an open mic right and I'm like oh these guys could do it then Mike did last night yeah I bet I do think la la rooms though I think la crowds are more judgmental than New York crowds I did a code day yeah I do not like New York's like make me laugh or not I feel like at least in my I feel like LA just like I don't know if I like you or not I feel like you know what I feel again to pay the ball like you know but I feel like in New York and it's just a sense of humor I don't think one is better than the other but I think in New York they'll laugh more or the East Coast they'll laugh more it's something that they think is is like true like you have to come from a real place of truth we're in LA you can do a joke about a unicorn I'm a sea monster in like and it's funny as well you know you act out what but in New York I'll just buy guys guys talking about [ __ ] unicorns I get it but you know I mean we recycle New York it's like if you tell me a joke about some [ __ ] that really happening when you sell it and I'm like that Happened to that guy you laugh at that I think that could be true I think I've never thought I've never looked at la comes like Oh New York comics are better off at the top of the first one at the top I mean there's no difference between Joe Rogan burnisher Theo von and these guys as right between a tell Colin a that's there our our hierarchy and their heartbeats the same right think it does get a little different if we're just doing Comedy Cellar reverse Comedy Store It does get a little different how to go down the bench I think this comedians might be a little bit stronger at the Comedy Cellar than they are at the Comedy Store but I don't know I know I could get [ __ ] for saying that but you know what also is the truth though and this is just a New York thing it's like also like yeah I'm saying that but I also am 6 1 to 20 and throw [ __ ] hands yeah I'm a [ __ ] boxer so excited I'm not a box I take one hand So you can get I will hit you with the [ __ ] left hook and that's just what it is I didn't make myself with broad shoulders Jesus Christ it thank you Jesus but I also have GERD gastroesophageal reflux disease and I believe in ghosts so yeah it's all fixed we're just throwing some cuties baby this is looking so [ __ ] good today your GERD like crazy are you kidding me I got I got dude I'm a promise now I got some smooth dissolve Smooth this on for ya do yourself a favor pick yourself up solute dissolves yeah because if you don't it's like you're eating chocolate so this is a real pleasant thing in your mouth yes here cuz that neither side I've been thinking like how we gonna drive three hours in my girl's gonna fart but now I have Tom smooth dissolving solves the problem yeah there is a thing of God you gotta travel with that too I travel without a chapel travel with that I Travel with all the same thing apple cider vinegar pills and original pills all that it is something interesting about being a man in comedy in a business where a lot of people aren't sure no I'm not speaking for myself but when you see like a man in comedy yeah like you go you go oh yeah I gonna that's that's that guy one of my buddies came out and there was a comic one time we're at the improv and he was busting my balls really hard and he was being Really mean and he was a very famous comic and my buddy goes [ __ ] smack him yeah I go excuse me he'll smack him he goes know what talks to us like that yeah I go this is a it's New York it's LA it's a little different here and he's like no it's not yeah he's a manual man you smack him in the [ __ ] mouth he doesn't say [ __ ] like that anymore I was like yeah well that's my whole blood I would never do that I would never let anyone [ __ ] on me or tree on bed but I'm Not a man oh yeah I'm definitely not definitely not a man there's just one video and again you don't know what happened but like that you ever seen a video Christian Bale screaming at that yeah thank you Christian I'll get it I interrupted you I get it how long is I get but after 90 seconds like okay I got a [ __ ] family yeah they're not gonna talk to me like this anymore and they just gonna get a [ __ ] uppercut I'm just gonna punch in your stomach and Watch your shorts while like Mike Tyson's punch-out I mean like you have to let these guys know like yeah just you can't talk to me like that cuz you're in Hollywood I'm acting right in the back of the head I know I mean I think Christian Bale's is pretty you probably take handle himself that'll be a fun thing but if you were like you don't talk to me that way and then he just beats the top in a tough game I would I would hit next to nobody Yeah and the last time I did it I woke up I felt very guilty well it's all kind of like oh enough it's like I feel like nowadays like at least in our business it's like men kind of feel like you can't be a man like if you're an outfits like toxic it's like listen I got a little girl I support everybody's rights but I also watch football does that also make me want to pledge allegiance to Isis it shouldn't you know there's times when I want to use a [ __ ] plastic straw because I want a smoothie I try to use the paper straws yeah but sometimes the sea turtle has to go very viscous are you ready for this yeah let's do it I must put a little cheese on top oh by the way shout out to Molly bahs bahs I'm saying I'm only guys she is my favorite I stole this recipe from her go check her out on bone Appetit you ready for the move this is the game right here a little baby when you take it out I'm Going to take it out oh like this when you played it oh my god and by the way shoutout to Donnell Rawlings because he also called this you go 360 on those [ __ ] I'm changing the kitchen how you played it look at that little nest yo dude that is impressive here take this down here Sally Nick this looks really yeah Burt does all right [ __ ] it young person flip-flops shut up the Molly's spinning give it the Jews but no 360 on those [ __ ] Darnell Oh my god it smells [ __ ] delicious right his hands are no no no we're gonna get someone clean Forks maybe oh yeah and then you got for us we are for it my hands already smell that might as well just and then hold on hold on give yourself a little dollop on the top give yourself a little dollop on the top yeah my hands are already changing yeah all right pasta carbonara for my two favorite Italians in the business Louie what do You think holy [ __ ] oh my god it's like like like bragging good like like like like I would tell someone to do the restaurant you gotta try this is this is like giving [ __ ] Jesus a [ __ ] this pasta is good too really we're cooking perfectly right it's like al dente but it's like on the peppers golden egg yeah right I'm gonna have to take a [ __ ] on the way to all thousand percent guarantee summer late-night or The Cooking Channel mommy Says when you taste it I didn't even think this was that was a real thing from my heart yeah but I'm always like this is [ __ ] [ __ ] I know they didn't have faith it's terrible you know like what a chef makes I'm on late-night oh my god yeah and I'm always just like I wonder what they're really feeling I give it everybody is good run this is genuinely a ten out of ten thank you being dead serious dude Usually do you know how what a big accomplishment is that for a Florida kid in flip-flops and Lululemon's to come to Brooklyn to Coachella hat and make pasta carbonara for two Italian people from New York and then to go this is a ten out of ten then all my [ __ ] hard do it put it in my mouth yeah pasta since February 24 really I mean I'm not keep the tracker thing but no Rob and I'm trying to lose 60 pounds but let's [ __ ] just load me up we gotta be Careful now because this could open this is a gateway drug this would be you lost 30 you could easily put on 30 by Mother's Day which is important I'm gonna do yeah no I [ __ ] line I was not lying I inhaled that thing that is I think what you just did might be like very unhealthy oh dude I'm telling you man that some of these some of those noodles right off the uvula down the throat it was just a [ __ ] complete suck back How do you feel about this dish [ __ ] love this this is one of my favorite dishes ever oh I hate it right now yeah which is a good sign this is such a great dish it's easy to make technically when you think I wish I would have paid attention to you I can never oh damn some more yeah yeah of course you're on look at this look at these I love these little throw I'm warming up for you that's where we take that black cherry black Cherry sauce internals wait like Fat Joe oh my god I feel I already feel Mike like my tits are gonna jiggle like you know well you could just feel your nipple expanding I already like I already have puffy nipples to begin with yeah but I mean I just can't stop can you eat the whole bowl of that part yeah send you it to go ball yeah just send you are you guys can take it with you to go cup like a coffee cup like that oh now on the three-hour drive to all them We'll take turns [ __ ] my pants a little bit yeah just turtle dumping you choking what's going on Oh kiss you on the lips let me kiss you on the [ __ ] looks [Laughter] [Music] that's the thing with part cuz that first write you you know if you don't know Burt and you watch this comedy like well I got laughs I think it's not just part of his act is he trying enhancer But then you reel everybody been around he's almost killed himself with his own laughter like even joking or getting lightheaded so like no Burt's just having a [ __ ] great time like right now though I laugh so [ __ ] hard is one of my favorite things to do is just out of foam why don't you were mocking me yeah I think cuz you were laughing so late doing that podcast in the basement the store was oh my god Aaron Berger and They were like it's we're all doing some of these bar interferes this is not happening and then like Bert what's your story that you're telling I said oh I fought a bear and I go Aaron what's your story goes oh I almost got raped by a couple of men and I go wow and I go it's not what's your story and he goes I got a wrong package delivered to my door I received somebody else's mail you have a heart attack and I was like I don't know If you do is real and it's so real it's very much the hardest I've ever laughed and I can name like probably top five horse I've ever laughed one of the hardest ever left was Thompson you can find us online right Burt shaves Tom and I go to Hawaii together right yeah and anyone's not to the beach and he goes hey man we shaved my back oh yeah so I got my Clippers always shave his back and as I shave my back I realize his back hair is Connected to his underarm hair right that's weird yeah bad kids konnected Toula so so so how do you know V it out in his owner arm on the back he turns around and I realized his underarm hair is also connected to his chest hair was now that looks odd that it just starts there and grows let me do a favor let me hollow out your tits right clip them up on the sides get that get that hair to go away I'll give you a little V's here and then I'm gonna seize her out your Tits so trust me it'll make your chest look a lot more - fine look like that bangs yeah yeah and so he looks and this is by the way yeah remember we're like this close to each other and he's also probably 370 pounds at the time no no right right 300 pounds seriously and I go yeah yeah I do to myself all the times on so I go out and I hollow out his tit I'm real close I Cesar it up on both sides so now it looks to find a hollow this side out And as I pulled back to see the trees and as I pull back he had a video camera it's online it is the hardest I've ever lat one of the hardest on that one time my daughter rolled in [ __ ] and that's the hardest asset yeah and then the other day I had this guy on my podcast Jordan Harbinger and I said hey give me like a tip on what how I can like help business or something something he's a business guy he goes you know what I do every morning I pull up my phone at Around 10 o'clock and I looked at the last message I have I scroll all the way to all my text messages the very last one that I haven't replied to she was like a year ago I reply to that person sorry okay so I flipped to the very end I say James who's James look I go oh he's a guy that sold me my gun and he goes yeah send him a message and I said okay I go hey James I've been thinking about you and as soon as it came out of my mouth I was like What how's he gonna receive this back you could tell it's all [ __ ] genuinely and it's like more people should strive to be as happy as birth [Music] yeah dude I I like us on paper you should have been dead for years they would you like your life would have been like you know ABCA is still alive easy Dan for years or C absolutely be there for years but he's [ __ ] healthier than Baltimore yeah Deposits February 24th party wake up the next day and perform I think I think what you're saying sounds right I think definitely genetics but his mindset is just unhappy you know there's a big thing about waking up and seeing and feeling blessed and legit going like going like today like I woke up every day in this place and I was like it's also like first kid awake if Spring Break that's how I live my life remember the first kid that wake up Spring Break Who like who's like what's everyone getting up like and someone came in he's like hey that's a really good description of you yeah it really is I was like that on the cruise when we need your I'm practical jokers cruise yeah I was I was so excited about all but I went to my room you guys gave me the really nice room I walk in now up every room like three or four times like you know I got the weight of the world on me that's it that's my that's my like Ground zero I'm just like always thinking I'm just gonna happen I do this is it gonna fail it's gonna do that I got a I want to flip that switch and get to where you are yeah but nobody see you have another thing that I don't have several ways yet they're all positives your thing where there's a selflessness about you we're like you'll touch people just out of the blue him and it was great hanging out you know yeah I don't do that I don't I'm like I don't think About other chances don't say you got this yeah yeah but like like you buy him presents I don't think that way my brain doesn't work that way it's in like the present the moment making sure it's all about happening now it's also there's also complications is like I'm an exhausting [ __ ] father like my girls of course sometimes you're like like we like I said to my daughter one time I said is it what's it like having me as a dad It's you it can be a bit much when I said really yes like I love you but like I was doing this thing where I drop him off and then I go I love you out of the car it's all the way until they walk to the classroom and all the kids were laughing and yeah my daughter's like it's not it's not hilarious like it was only the first time everyday yeah and then I was like I was I go yeah I guess yeah why do I do that like no but you put your no but I feel like I watch your Hands a gram I'm a dad too so I watch your Instagram like oh [ __ ] I feel like any time you post your family they're so genuinely happy for you and your success and because I'm sure when they come all the one you bring them on the road with you it's like just it's like beautiful experience where I was like you and Jen gaffing are guys I look at as dads I'm like I want their life and their career I'm happy with what I have in the present I strive to what you and Jim Have cuz I'm like your family's just look so happy I want that because I I disagree I think your daughter's probably are like my dad's so happy that only rubs off on them being so happy I mean don't be like I'll tell you where I tell you them by the way not to suck my own dick I also get clarity the times where I see my daughter's need me in certain parts of life yeah and then I go oh that's my strength like I remember one time we're at a friend's house Everyone's drinking we're having a good time the kids are out in the pool and but yeah they're not having a blast in the pool they're just kind of like just swimming around and Island Georgia come in they're like hey Dad if you put on your bathing suit and come in the pool and like create a game for us and I was like oh yeah because my brain thinks in like creative and so I created a game about swimming back and forth with weights on our feet and so where all the Kids are doing it and we're having a black leg those little hand weights oh you got to hold them in your feet work yeah creating challenges and then we and then we do another game that night and I know my daughters are like that's when I'm a good dad works I can come up with games yeah I remember one time I was like let's do a slip inside from the roof into the pool and my kids like we can do that they call my [ __ ] dad I can do It over the phone let the Machine be [ __ ] machine I remember one time I go I go I totally am I go let's surprise the girls and get the two-story blow-up waterslide and just put it on front yard when they come home from school yeah tell all their friends at school hey we got a waterside our house you want to come back my kids are like [ __ ] all the parents come over to get their kids glass of wine ordered a bunch of pizzas yeah it's a [ __ ] Wednesday you can do this yeah well like anything that you've done like in your life through college or like your 20 stories that involved alcohol if you just remove the alcohol that's a great game to play with kids learn it in my fraternity I was like we can fill the house with sand for the children we played this we play this game with ping pong balls where it's golf around the house making me want to get someone pregnant five now that my daughter Doesn't have diapers anymore it's a lot easier but the diaper stage barking oh she's turning one on before walk around with him at the mall at your human being I can't yeah and then and when they say stuff like dude is one of my favorite days ever George and I are walking around the mall I lives in the stroller and Georgie goes dad what are those and I went that's a brownie she goes are they good and I go oh I'm like yeah you're gonna like this a lot yeah I go Hold on I get ice cream on it and I go oh stick to our stomachs that moment is a dad to introduce of this [ __ ] they've never even heard on the phone yeah I told my daughter's I said you guys should get into skateboarding and then like I don't know I go let's go buy skateboards so we all bought skateboards I had already but I bought them both skateboards and then we just started [ __ ] skateboard in front yard nowadays skateboard everywhere and They're like that's how they get around introducing your children's cool [ __ ] is amazing we've kind of kids rid of some kids are like no I don't want to do that [ __ ] I'm not into that the kids getting older now today I'd all take interest into stand-up at all thanks I think they I think they were around it too much I think you know Joey Diaz Tom Segura are literally at my house if I ever have Joey's at my house if I ever have Anything so they know Joey very well they know me they know Tommy they know Ari and I think and I think they're in my act so much part of them is like you know yeah sure sure yeah I think I would be an actor as Georgia wants to be like an executive song or something huh she's like that's her she's pretty straight-laced mm-hmm but you think what would you do if your daughter wanted to get me stand up I would um I think I'm right now shaping up to be one of those Dads where it's like I don't want to push my daughter to do anything unless it's like not safe but it's like whatever she chooses if she wants to do stand-up I'll tell her the difficulties of it and I'm like I can speak to that if she wants to freaking teach Zumba like her mom and her mom should tell you the difficulty that looks like whatever she wants to do man I'm I'm cool with yes and I think this perspective we're talking about that we all kind of share Is like it's like we're in a business where our only goal is to think of something funny oh that's it our perspective is so jaded and we get to do such fun goofy stuff all day long that I I always say like if you're looking for a job don't try to find a job try to do exactly what you love yeah yeah and you'll love it and you've got so hard at it like I am obsessed with comedy yeah by being doing this career it's like I realize like I Started doing comedy like a full time in 2013 like since 2013 I haven't looked at the clock or like realize what day it was every day is just a Sunday afternoon cuz I mean today it's you know whatever Friday I to it doesn't matter if you mind it could be Sunday morning could be mundane amazed done it doesn't matter yeah someone says to me uh I like there so what day is it to the flight attendant she goes you don't know what day it is and I'm like I don't know I Know I don't have a show tonight I said I know I know that I'm flying today anima be in Denmark all day yeah I know I'm gonna go get weed and I normally will walk around at night I'm looking for a strip club I know that's my day what day is it though to you like that's what I would tell my daughters like strive for something like that whatever it is you love like you know I mean granted like the only way to get we all have jobs we have that look At the clock and that's why I think you have to be sick you know successful and long having longevity in this career like you have to come from the [ __ ] have been a little bit where it was very hard because then like what you have matters to you because for 15 years you are having jobs you didn't want to do yeah so it's like it's beautiful that's why I think sometimes with comedy specifically like the young comic that makes it really quickly at a young age he or she May not value it and then when they lose it it gets really [ __ ] blew up when I first got came to New York I blew up I got a development deal got another development deal got a TV show and I remember driving down Franklin I was wearing a Jason Williams basketball jersey from the Kings yeah and I was in my I was in a nice crop yeah white chocolate yeah he went to versio Florida yeah and so I went for stay put yes yeah you ever see him and Randy Moss together Do you remember that commercial yeah hey Miranda boy they were like [ __ ] razzle and dazzle but then there's the other you know the other Jason Williams that killed true story I play basketball was my whole life before comedy and we played in this men's league in the best men's league one of the best Mensing in New York City was its Nike pro-am League and a professional athletes RX pro athletes would be on the teams with guys like me Or in college and Jason Williams was out of jail already that stuff had already happening and he was playing loose he was fantastic it was all past but everybody knew about it and he was playing basketball on my team nice guy and I remember I threw an alley-oop to him and he dumped it and then he was like Chris a and I was like don't [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] that's a good thing about New York City it's like most famous people in the world live here so like I play basketball with him Steve Nash all these they were just on that because they just drop into these leagues that are good leagues and they just want to come and get a workout in because the basketball Players are so video Jeff oh that's great dude and he's sunk a thing for Eagle I was at LaGuardia there was security animals that you can bring on a plane yeah there's a guy he had his snake but it was it was not it was only you could obviously Ellie was moving with it he wasn't it what he didn't need a security animal he just didn't want to put it under the thing right who's moving to California and he was trying to tell him it was it's a dirty animal And he was like there's no such thing luckily I think the gate attendant handled it pretty nicely he was like I ain't letting no [ __ ] snakes on his mother oh [ __ ] there's been a great [ __ ] episode yes fantastic yeah I feel like my body's working overtime the process will you do plant your body because you probably so used to gettin pasta now it has gotten since February 24 what the [ __ ] is happening with I yeah my butt Yeah my body's right now your sugars are probably spiking yeah we're gonna watch each other on this trip I feel no I swear I'm not making a joke like I really haven't had anything since February and really sugar either so I haven't had really carbs or sugar and I I feel something going on internally that I haven't felt in quite some time yeah how do you feel without without without carbs are learning about the body do you feel great yeah I feel Pretty good yeah [ __ ] I'm still fat that I lost I'm still fat but I'm gay I'm gonna I'm gonna get there what are you doing like any workout stuff yeah for the first time in my life is like a going I got a trainer really yeah yeah so I mean it's like you know it's only two days a week with them one without them sweet scale on a scale of one to ten in your life everything you've done in your life where you're at today how happy are you today compared to anywhere Else you've been in your life would my health but I just know in life in life I'm not happy with my house that's what I'm doing this way like I probably couldn't be happy right now yeah what do I have to complain about I have work I know it's I'm doing exactly you said I am obsessed with comedy yeah it's all I want to do who sits do it 24/7 and I make a living off of it and it's and I just there's nothing I can't write it differently this is how I want It to be and it is how it is yeah so I'm happy I'm happy watch I'm gonna go out and [ __ ] I'm just getting to I'm gonna smash into a [ __ ] brick wall after this yes no hear you 10 out of 10 I mean to be honest I'm not to sound like corny or like the obvious answer but since I had my daughter like it's just one of those things that saves me from comedy and anything in my life because like if I you know obviously in our business like We may go out for an audition that somebody sees on a billboard or like oh whatever you're like I I almost was that guy you can sit and commiserate about that and be like awful but like my daughter just brings me back to reality every day and it's you know like one like you have like a big game you like I'm so happy looking over this gig but then you do that kicking you're like ah [ __ ] I got nothing for two months every morning I wake up on I have some Exciting to see my daughter or talk to my daughter or be around my daughter so for real man honestly since she's been born it's been like 10 out of town that night I'm gonna Jack Layton somebody as soon as yeah no kids ya know I want to have four oh really yeah you want to go full on that show that's what I gotta go full full I was just reading and adopt yeah yeah yeah let me tell you something guys like you if you were 130 pounds it is 140 that that BP the average weight About like a new Brooklyn hipster guy 830 pounds same outfit sandals Lululemon to that hat and maybe a different shirt because they don't endorse violence thunder mixed martial arts it would just be some apart with some [ __ ] record nobody's heard of you would have 1000 sites a guy like you would say he has an asian wife guaranteed he's got an HMI for an asian fetish and if his wife is white they have adopted an Asian child yeah it's just what you have to do as a White man growing up in the new proplem we're in Cochella ads and it's just what I'm telling you it's just what it is and there now you live in Brooklyn yeah that's what they all have every time I talk to them like a if they come to a comedy show whatever his name is Dylan from Wisconsin I'm like what's your wife's names like she's from Vietnam was like I could have [ __ ] told you yeah yeah that's uh I mean I want it because the Asian child will probably excel at Everything sure although I've never seen it I've never seen an ugly Asian or black child god bless all right you know what saguru used to have a joke about Asian babies though they're just [ __ ] adore adore this unbelievable adorable my daughter right now in school most of our classmates are Asian first of all she comes home from an Asian playdate she's counting [ __ ] we're on the abacus Asian parents are not around they're out There got their heads down they're working you talk to the grandparents who don't really speak and so it's great but when I heard her and this other private [ __ ] woke you know Brooklyn school play dates you know the father's talking about his startup blog you know they're all this [ __ ] on my shut up you dumb kids shut up you know she's your daughter allergic to milk no she's not the Chinese they don't give a [ __ ] okay dictate a full bag of Peanuts a how about I'm pushing Chinese on my daughter yeah when we went to all Korean a pretty predominately Korean squad you some a bit about it I forgot a bit now but was 95 minutes 95 percent of Korean and one and we were having a hard time with our towards that doing homework and one of the Korean mom said to Lee Ann well who's she doing it with only I said well me oh no no no no you don't ever do homework with your own child you separate and give them to Another parent and then you take their that's what the Koreans were doing interests it would get to home and then their Cuban go upstairs that's their other cares no you just flip flop so if like we all had kids I do homework with your kids you do homework with my kids and you do homework with his kids yeah because my kids not gonna talk back when you say hey get that done Mike he looks at you guys I'm getting that done yeah yeah and that's why they operate you're Like mother [ __ ] that is insanely smart yeah the way the careers were I said that sounds racist there's no compliments the way the Koreans were running [ __ ] they were teaching their children violins to help them with math like that wisely [ __ ] but even why would that even be [ __ ] good at violence they are yeah what are you gonna do play the [ __ ] out of the [ __ ] violin yeah we start the show off saying we were racing This [ __ ] difference this is a cucumber mint it's got a 100% natural it's all-natural so we're like [ __ ] hipsters with me while I'm doing cucumber mint Burt's Bees I haven't left the house without a chapstick since grammar school I want to do a website called brand-new stereotypes where you where people put up a brand new stereotype and then the internet votes on it and then it becomes a literally justified stereotype black people can Kayak and then my lips will never learn from moisture it will be always a lot of things in life when I say we all talk about this happiness we're talking about we love our jobs one of the coolest things is making friends when you're older yeah and and i can really say and i gotta test this - like big Jay and Ari but they introduced me to a lot of you guys to become friends with you guys and you guys are it's really cool it's a definition of its [Laughter] [Laughter] [Music]

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