All The Nudes That's Fit To Print - The New York Times Has A New Motto

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert was shocked to wake up today to news that The New York Times is launching 18 newsletters. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I'M -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT IS -- THAT IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF ENERGY I NEED BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO SUGAR COAT IT, FOLKS, THE NEWS HAS BEEN A BIT ROUGH LATELY, WHICH HAS LED TO SOME OF OUR NEWSPAPERS TO BROADEN THEIR MARKETING STRATEGY. THIS MORNING I SAW THIS SHOCKING TWEET -- THE "NEW YORK TIMES" IS ROLLING OUT 18-PLUS SUBSCRIBER-ONLY NEWSLETTERS. THAT'S RIGHT, Y'ALL. ADULTS-ONLY CONTENT FOR 18 AND OVER. IT'S THE "NEW YORK TIMES" -- ATER DARK ( SENSUAL MUSIC ) ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) THEY'RE SLIGHTLY CHANGING THEIR MASTHEAD: "ALL THE NUDES THAT'S FIT TO PRINT." THINGS ARE GOING TO GET NASTY AT THE OLD GREY LADY-- OR, AS I CALL HER "THE MATURE HONEY." GET READY TO SEE "NEW YORK TIMES" CROSSWORD PUZZLE EDITOR WILL SHORTZ, SANS SHORTS. ( LAUGHTER ) ARE YOU READY TO SOLVE 69-DOWN? ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A SEVEN-LETTER WORD FOR -- BIRTHDAY PRESENT. ( LAUGHTER ) THE INDUSTRY INSIDER WHO POSTED THE ORIGINAL "18+" TWEET HAS SINCE DELETED IT AND EXPLAINED, "TO BE CLEAR, I GOT LAZY AND SHOULD HAVE SAID "AT LEAST 18 NEWSLETTERS. ( LAUGHTER ) THE 'NEW YORK TIMES' IS NOT GETTING INTO PORN." DAMN IT! ( APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S TRUE, THEY'RE NOT GETTING INTO PORN-- THEY'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR YEARS. ( LAUGHTER ) REMEMBER THEIR HEADLINE: "TITANIC GOES DOWN... IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN." ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IF THE "NEW YORK TIMES" ISN'T YOUR THING, YOU'VE STILL GOT THE "WASHINGTON POST." AFTER ALL, THAT PAPER'S SLOGAN IS "DEMOCRACY DIES IN DARKNESS... BUT BANGS WITH THE LIGHTS ON." ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WHEN IT COMES TO COVID THE NEWS SHOULD BE RATED "R," FOR "R WE EVER GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS?" THE DELTA VARIANT HAS CAUSED A HUGE COVID SPIKE, BUT NOT EVERY REGION HAS BEEN AFFECTED EQUALLY. CASES ARE GOING UP GRADUALLY IN THE NORTHEAST, MIDWEST, AND WEST, BUT THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN. ( LAUGHTER ) THE PROBLEM IS-- YOU GUESSED IT-- IN THE SOUTH, FEWER PEOPLE ARE VACCINATED, ON AVERAGE. YOU CAN READ ABOUT IT IN THE CLASSIC SOUTHERN NOVEL, "TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD BY GIVING IT MEDICAL ADVICE FROM FACEBOOK." ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING ) CASES ARE RISING SO QUICKLY THAT MISSISSIPPI'S HOSPITAL SYSTEM COULD FAIL IN TEN DAYS. THEY'RE GOING TO TRY TO EXTEND THAT TIME BY COUNTING ONE MISSISSIPPI, TWO MISSISSIPPI... ( LAUGHTER ) THREE MISSISSIPPI... ONE MISSISSIPPI MEDICAL CENTER EVEN OPENED A PARKING GARAGE BASEMENT FIELD HOSPITAL. NOT EXACTLY WHERE YOU WANT TO GET YOUR HEALTHCARE. (AS DOCTOR) "I'M AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MOVE YOU, MS. JOHNSON. THIS BED IS FOR COMPACT CARS ONLY." ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) YOU KNOW WHO WANTS YOU TO TAKE THIS VIRUS SERIOUSLY? THE KINDERGARTEN COP HIMSELF, FORMER CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. HE HAD STRONG WORDS FOR PEOPLE WHO WON'T WEAR MASKS OR GET VACCINATED. >> I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THERE IS A VIRUS HERE. IT KILLS PEOPLE. AND THE ONLY WAY WE PREVENT IT IS, WE GET VACCINATED, WE WEAR MASKS, WE DO SOCIAL DISTANCING, WASHING OUR HANDS ALL THE TIME, AND NOT JUST THINKING ABOUT, "WELL, MY FREEDOM IS BEING KIND OF DISTURBED HERE." NO, SCREW YOUR FREEDOM, BECAUSE WITH FREEDOM COMES OBLIGATIONS AND RESPONSIBILITIES. YOU HAVE THE FREEDOM TO WEAR NO MASK, BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU'RE A SCHMUCK FOR NOT WEARING A MASK. >> Stephen: WOW! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW! WOW! THE TERMINATOR IS SO MAD. BUT HE'S NOT GOING BACK IN TIME TO KILL YOUR MOTHER. HE DOESN'T HAVE TO. BECAUSE BY REFUSING THE VACCINE, YOU'LL DO IT FOR HIM. SPEAKING OF CALIFORNIA-- INOY, IT'S A SAD STORY, ISN'T IT? BUTBUT IT'S A TRUE ONE. SPEAKING OF CALIFORNIA -- FLORIDA -- ( LAUGHTER ) -- WHICH ACCOUNTS FOR NEARLY ONE IN FIVE U.S. COVID CASES. ALSO, ONE IN FIVE CASES OF SPRING BREAK CHLAMYDIA. THIS HUGE SURGE DOESN'T SEEM TO -- THAT'S ALSO A SAD BUT STREW STORY. ( LAUGHTER ) VERY TENDER AUDIENCE TONIGHT. VERY, VERY. I'LL BE GENTLE. THIS HUGE SURGE DOESN'T SEEM TO CONCERN FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DESANTIS, SEEN HERE BOASTING THE HIGHEST NUMBER HE CAN COUNT TO. ( BOOING ) DESANTIS HAS CLASHED REPEATEDLY WITH PRESIDENT BIDEN OVER COVID SAFETY PROTOCOLS. LAST WEEK, BIDEN SAID THAT IF DESANTIS WASN'T WILLING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT COVID, THEN HE SHOULD GET OUT OF THE WAY OF PEOPLE WHO WILL. THAT LED TO THIS EXCHANGE. >> DO YOU HAVE A RESPONSE TO GOVERNOR DESANTIS, WHO IS USING YOUR WORDS ABOUT "DON'T BE IN THE WAY," AND HE'S SAYING "I AM IN THE WAY TO BLOCK TOO MUCH INTERFERENCE FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT." YOUR RESPONSE, MR. PRESIDENT? >> GOVERNOR WHO? ( LAUGHS ) >> DeSANTIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: COME ON. COME ON, HA, HA. HA, HA, HA. BUT, COME ON, MR. PRESIDENT, SHOW SOME RESPECT. HE SHOULD BE ADDRESSED BY HIS FULL NAME: GOVERNOR WHO... DOESN'T CARE IF HIS VOTERS LIVE OR DIE. ( APPLAUSE ) THIS WEEK, FLORIDA, THE SUNSHINE STATE HAD TO ASK THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION TO SEND HUNDREDS OF VENTILATORS TO FLORIDA. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AWKWARD CONSIDERING LAST WEEK, DESANTIS SAID THIS TO BIDEN: >> I DON'T WANT TO HEAR A BLIP ABOUT COVID FROM YOU. >> Stephen: WELL, GOVERNOR, LOOKS LIKE IT'S YOUR TURN TO EAT BLIP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) YEAH, BLIP FOR BRAINS. ( LAUGHTER ) BUT DESANTIS TRIED TO PLAY OFF HIS STATE'S DESPERATE REQUEST FOR VENTILATORS. >> I'M NOT-- I DIDN'T ASK, I DIDN'T KNOW, I HAVE NOT HEARD ABOUT THAT. SO I WOULD HAVE TO CHECK TO SEE WHETHER THAT'S TRUE OR NOT. >> STEPHEN: (AS DESANTIS) "I DIDN'T ASK. I HAVEN'T HEARD. I HAVE TO CHECK IF THAT'S TRUE OR NOT. OR IF I'M EVEN GOVERNOR OR NOT. I MEAN, DOES CORONAVIRUS EVEN EXIST? MAYBE NONE OF US ARE REAL. WE'RE ALL JUST LIVING IN A GIANT'S DREAM, AND-- SMOKE BOMB!" ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF THE ADDLED RAMBLINGS OF A DISEASED BRAIN: THERE'S SOME NEWS ABOUT MYPILLOW C.E.O. MIKE LINDELL, SEEN HERE NOT BUYING CRACK. LINDELL IS BEING SUED BY DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS FOR $1 BILLION FOR HIS LIES ABOUT ELECTION FRAUD. BUT HE'S NOT GIVING UP. THIS WEEK, HE HELD A LIVE-STREAMED CYBER SYMPOSIUM, FOR WHICH HE HIRED A CYBER EXPERT "RED TEAM" AND GAVE THEM WHAT HE SAID WAS 37 TERABYTES OF IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE THAT HACKERS BROKE INTO ELECTION SYSTEMS USING INTERCEPTED "PACKET CAPTURES." PACKET CAPTURES, OF COURSE, IS A TECHNICAL TERM THAT YOU MIGHT KNOW BY THEIR STREET NAME, "PILLOW CASES." ( LAUGHTER ) WELL, THE CYBER RESULTS ARE IN: LINDELL'S TEAM ANNOUNCED THAT THEY CAN'T PROVE HIS CLAIMS THAT CHINA HACKED THE ELECTION. WHEN ASKED WHY, THEY SAID, "WE WERE HANDED A TURD." ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) AND THAT TURD LOST THE ELECTION. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CNN CALLED OUT LINDELL'S CYBER-NONSENSE, AND THAT DIDN'T SIT TOO WELL WITH ONE ATTENDEE. >> LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, I'M NOT A COMPUTER GUY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT MOST OF THIS STUFF MEANS. BUT I'VE BEEN RESEARCHING THIS ELECTION SINCE NOVEMBER 3. BUT THE CNNS OF THE WORLD, YOU GUYS NEED TO START REPORTING THIS AND STOP FACT-CHECKING IT. >> STEPHEN: YES! STOP "FACT-CHECKING," CNN! IT'S A WASTE OF TIME! THIS IS MIKE LINDELL. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU CHECK, YOU WON'T FIND ANY FACTS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF PEOPLE BEING SUED FOR A BILLION DOLLARS: THE EX-PRESIDENT'S LAWYER, RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE LOSING A STARING CONTEST TO SOUP. ( LAUGHTER ) RUDY HAS ALSO BEEN SUED BY DOMINION. FOR A BILLION DOLLARS. NOW HE'S FACING A MOUNTAIN OF LEGAL FEES. THAT MOUNTAIN'S IN HIS APARTMENT, RIGHT NEXT TO THE MOUNTAIN OF EMPTY FRANZIA BOXES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TOTALLY WORTH IT. TOTALLY WORTH IT. ON TOP OF THAT, RUDY'S LAW LICENSE IN WASHINGTON WAS SUSPENDED, AND HE WAS SUSPENDED FROM PRACTICING LAW IN NEW YORK DUE TO "DEMONSTRABLY FALSE AND MISLEADING" STATEMENTS ABOUT THE ELECTION. WHICH MEANS HE'S CUT OFF FROM HIS PREVIOUS SOURCE OF INCOME: TELLING LIES NEXT TO A DILDO SHOP. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) RUDY IS DESPERATE FOR CASH, SO THIS WEEK, HE DID WHAT ALL PUBLIC SERVANTS DO WHEN THEY NEED A SECOND CAREER: HE JOINED CAMEO, THE WEBSITE WHERE YOU CAN PAY FOR A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM FOLKS LIKE LENNY DYKSTRA, AND THE GUY WHO PLAYED HODOR. WHICH IS PERFECT IF YOU WANT TO WISH YOUR NEPHEW A VERY HODOR HODOR. HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO GET AMERICA'S MAYOR TO WISH YOU A HAPPY QUINCEANERA? 275 BUCKS. THAT'S A GOOD DEAL. HE'S 25 BUCKS CHEAPER THAN SNOOKI! ( LAUGHTER ) WHICH MAKES SENSE. WHICH MAKES TOTAL SENSE. SHE WAS ON "THE JERSEY SHORE." HE LOOKS LIKE HE WASHED UP ON THE JERSEY SHORE. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) HERE'S A TASTE. >> HELLO, BILL, IT'S RUDY GIULIANI, AND I'M WISHING YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I CAN NEVER REMEMBER A CENSORSHIP LIKE THIS, WHERE THE HARD DRIVE, THE ELECTION, THEY JUST CUT OFF 80% OF YOUR ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE. SO, I AM VERY WORRIED FOR OUR COUNTRY. AT OUR AGE, WE WANT TO MAKE SURE WE LEAVE THE COUNTRY TO YOUR WONDERFUL SONS. YOUR WONDERFUL SONS, JEFF AND DAVID, WE WANT TO LEAVE IT AS STRONG AS WE GOT IT. AND RIGHT NOW, IT'S HEADED IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. >> STEPHEN: WHAT AN UPLIFTING CELEBRATION. ( LAUGHTER ) "I WANT TO WISH YOU A WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY, AND MANY MORE. HOPEFULLY NOT SPENT IN THE CLINTON FOUNDATION'S FORCED LABOR CAMPS, WHERE SOCIALISTS WILL MAKE YOUR WONDERFUL SONS JEFF AND DAVID CASTRATE MR. POTATO HEAD." ( LAUGHTER ) HE EVEN SHARES HIS WISDOM WITH INCOMING COLLEGE KIDS. >> JOHNNY, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE GOING TO BEGIN YOUR FIRST YEAR AT NEW YORK UNIVERSITY. FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS. I WENT TO N.Y.U. LAW SCHOOL, WHICH I'M SURE YOU'LL SEE EVERY DAY ON YOUR WAY TO CLASS. NOBODY CAN TELL YOU IN THIS POINT IN YOUR CAREER WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO DO. >> STEPHEN: SO TRUE. SOMETIMES YOU START OUT PRACTICING LAW, AND END UP AS A VIDEO BIRTHDAY CLOWN. ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY GUEST IS JENNIFER HUDSON. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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