Why You Won't Find A Valentine

a lot of people who are struggling to find the one are setting an impossible expectation for their Partners to meet meeting your soulmate does not mean happily ever after so often times when we have an anxious attachment style what we fall in love with is not a person we fall in love with a fantasy okay female loneliness afraid of turning into a fem cell hey y'all I'm very lonely and I'm on the verge of turning into a fem cell navigating the internet as a woman often feels like Meandering through a Minefield of misogyny every space

I frequent seems to be turning into a cesspool of inceldom and all things that lack empathy and some of it is definitely seeping into my brain I've been consuming a lot of pinkpilled content especially this YouTuber called manifest and dive into essays about pop culture analysis of romcom tropes and yungan psychology about anima projection I get a lot of male attention because of my profession and my in interests in male dominated Fields like gaming but never truly feel seen I can't seem to find anyone who loves me for who I am I was desired but

never loved a choice but never the one my guy friends don't get it they say how can you call yourself a fem cell if you've been in so many relationships and have 37,000 likes on Bumble just because some someone is attractive to be honest I'm not even attractive I'm average but my profile is pretty funny doesn't mean they can't face rejection or isolation quick aside I don't know if you all remember this but we did a video on female bullying and attractive women are likely to be bullies but they are also attractive attractiveness as a

woman also increases your risk of being bullied so women often times bully attractive women attraction isn't the sole factor in building relationships and reducing it to that misses the entire point the woman who first coined incel wasn't fixated on appearance appearances the way looks maxers these days are her goal was to talk about the difficulties in forming meaningful connections but that's been hijacked into a superficial context contest over looks and genitals and body counts and the AL that Alpha Beta Sigma stuff while I might not have difficulty attracting men the connection often feels shallow I

think they don't see the real me only the fantasy they've projected onto me once the fantasy wears off I am unlovable sometimes I feel so vengeful I feel like every guy I've dated has just used me to level up and then discarded me like I'm some manic pixie dream girl in some stupid male centered romcom I really need to decenter men for my life but at the same time I just want to be loved held seen and understood I'm caught in a tug of war between polarizing emotions each day I wake up unsure Which side

will gain the upper hand leaving me exhausted and Confused this is the longest I've been single since I was 17 and this year has been a total train wreck romantically and sexually recently I went to a wedding with my older cousin sisters and it stirred up some childhood wounds as a kid I always wanted to be like them beautiful feminine graceless effortless happy but I never felt like I belonged honestly they're wonderful and it's my own craft that I didn't fit in whole time I had thoughts like why can't I be normal why can't I

be happy teenage me tried to cope by thinking I don't fit in because I'm better than them which is both cringy and untrue but that was my tomboy pick me era and I'm ashamed ashamed of it I did seek wisdom from them and they empathized with me for the most part they suggested I just shut up and go the arranged marriage route because that's where all the good men are but I'm so scared that I won't be happy because I'm hard to love so if I say no to marriage and convince myself this is how

it's going to be and stay single forever am I just a fem cell or just a sad forb I've been spiraling a bit watching all these relationship movies if you do a yion analysis on romcoms they fall into two camps anima movies a guy with mommy issues meets a quirky girl who fixes him and then he discards her animous movies like Beauty and the Beast a woman is thrown into the Animus world and she must befriend his toys and tools tames the Beast and becomes the Mistress of the house it's depressing how the women even

after they find their never really get a happy ending they always either get pregnant and die in child birth or get discarded after the male protagonist finds himself why does female self-isolation always end in codependency why do women lose their friends every time they start a new relationship my anxious attachment style is ruining my life and I'm trying to work on it and it's hard I've been chronically depressed for the past 1.5 years I do have a therapist psychiatrist hobbies and a supportive family but I can't seem to escape the cycle of limerance codependency in

isolation I need to decenter men from my life but loving fiercely is my thing and I'm not afraid of heartbreak rewatch flea bag and it has this quote I think you know how to love better than any of us that's why you find it so also painful women are born with the pain built in I used to be a hopeless romantic until my soulmate dumped me for being depressed now I don't believe in soulmates and life sucks so yay everything I miss about my exes wasn't there in the first place where are the good men

better yet how do I stop giving a damn about finding one I want peace feminine wisdom and more female friends okay so I think the first thing to understand about finding a healthy relationship is that it takes time there's a learning curve right so I think the biggest mistake that we make is that we assume that we're looking for a person where are all of the Good Men this is something that I hear so much as if finding the right man results in the right relationship that is not what makes a good relationship is not

finding something that is perfect although this too gets propagated by our media and things like that you find the one you fall in love I personally believe in soulmates like I think that's legit but meeting your soulmate does not mean happily ever after happily ever after is what you build with the soulmate it is what you become it is what they become it is the growth that happens once you meet your soulmate see this is a huge problem that we make especially with dating we make all of these associations we make this chain of causation

and that's really where the problem is finding the Good Men isn't the problem it is about once you have the good man or once you find the good man how do you change how do you make the relationship work how do you encourage them to change how do you encourage them to become even better that's where all the money is finding the person meeting the person the initial thing with that person is actually a very small interaction maybe five minutes maybe a little bit longer with texting nowadays I don't know right so you can look

but the encounter with the person is very shortlived but then the relationship is something that takes years so I'd say that like this business with relationship the mistake that we make is we think I need to find the right seed toow grow the right fruit tree and that's true right you need the right seed to grow the right fruit tree but finding the seed is just the first necessary step to Growing the tree then the tree actually needs to be fostered the seed needs to be planted we need to break we need to till the

soil plant the seed so I think a big problem that a lot of people don't like this is rubs them the wrong way is you may find your soulmate but what is the ground that that seed is going into what is your receptivity to that soulmate I had a couple of uncompassionate thoughts when I read this post and I'm going to share those and they're given with compassion but I've worked with people who wouldn't even know love when they saw it when I see anxious attachment style when I see projection when I see these kinds

of things this is honestly a problem when you have an anxious attachment style love can look very scary this person also mentions limerance this is a problem so often times when we have an anxious attachment style when we have a prediliction towards limerance what we fall in love with is not a person it's not a human we fall in love with a fantasy we fall in love with an idea and when we spend our time looking at yungan analysis of tropes that is not reality there's absolutely value to it and there are archetypes in it

but even if we look at what this person says it's like I mean this is where you got to be like really careful because you know they're talking about where he discards her in the end and then she dies pregnant in childbirth or they get discarded after the male protagonist finds himself what about all the people who don't die in child birth right it's like it's kind of weird there's such a selection bias here there's a selection bias of the kind of people that this person is meeting being in a male-dominated field right they're finding

all the wrong men there's a selection bias who's writing yian essays about tropel analysis what is their attachment style what is their experience it doesn't always end like this and in fact I would say that if you look at it like really statistically forget about yungin analysis of tropes in fiction which all of these things are fiction by the way right if you look at the real world what do you see most stories don't end like this most stories I think like 50% of people get divorced 50% of people stay together like dying in child

birth child birth is I think statistically the most dangerous thing that a woman will ever do and the majority of women survive like the vast majority of women survive so I think this is where we have to be really really careful about whether we are actually ready to receive what we are looking for very important in dating and I don't mean to say that all of the blame is on you I mean I think there's a lot of misogynistic crap on the internet but that is another issue that we should get into so what I've

noticed with almost all of these posts is that they start with my experience on the internet so I know this sounds kind of Staggering but I I have a question for y'all what percentage of people on the planet know what an incel is so I'll talk to psychiatrist's colleagues of mine and I'll be like yeah I do a lot of work with incels and they're like what is that my kids friends parents literally over this winter holiday I probably talked to about 20 people one person knew who an insult was so this is something that

if you're like in dating and stuff and I think this person I I love this post because the person has so much self-awareness they're absolutely moving in the right direction they're able to find a lot of things that are going on in their life maybe an attachment style issue they notice themselves going down the rabbit hole this is like the one corner of the internet that I'm so proud of because they say I'm turning I can see it happening I'm turning into a fem cell how do I stop right everywhere else they're either not fem

cells or they've already become fem cells the communities of these people are not in the metamorphosis phase they're postmetamorphosis so it's it's brilliant this is awesome like this person has such incredible Insight that you see this happening then you can do something about it so the first thing that I'm going to say and this is going to be kind of tough but I want y'all to think about this if I want a healthy body what determines the health of the body that I make so a healthy body if we look at it it's core right

if I don't if I want a a body that does not have anemia if I want a body that lives at the minimum I need calories and water if I want to avoid like if we look at the like why bodies fall apart sometimes we inherit things like genes for Cystic Fibrosis that what that's what makes an unhealthy body but often times for most people if we look at like in the United States healthy bodies high blood pressure heart disease diabetes are caused by our diet and less so by exercise but exercise is important too

diet and exercise so this makes very simple sense right so if I want to have you know a sturdy house what determines the sturdiness of the house that I build the ingredients that I put into it what determines the health of my body what I put into it this is something that a lot of people don't practically understand what determines the health of my mind what I put into it so if you eat a trash diet in your mind you will have a trash mind if I'm a part of incel forums what do you think

is going to happen in my mind if I'm part of an echo chamber what happens in the Echo chamber so the biggest problem that I see most people have is they feed their mind a diet of trash and this person knows this right they're saying I'm watching this YouTuber I'm not saying that the YouTuber is trash I have no idea what this person is or what they do or if their content is good or not good don't don't take it that way but when we say trash diet of the mind it's not that a particular

thing is good or bad the most important aspect of diet is variety fruit is healthy and I recently saw there was like a fruit influencer who died of malnutrition no surprise so it is not that a particular content creator is trash or not trash it is the scope and breadth of content that you watch if all you ever watch on the internet is Dr K and you spend a lot of time watching Dr K on the internet I will be the first to say you have a trash diet go do something else so I want

y'all if your mind is not healthy if you don't like the way that your mind is if you don't like the thoughts that you have and the emotions that you have the first thing that you should do is understand what are the inputs to your mind and we know this scientifically right so if I grow up in a toxic and abusive household I the function of my mind will change the way I interpret events will change my sense of self-esteem will change because I'm getting these inputs so if you want a healthy mind you must

feed it the right things now what does that mean this is where the whole touch grass things come comes from and I know that this is kind of like people will be listening to this and they're saying Dr K are you just saying I should get off the internet and touch grass well yes and no so telling you to get off the internet and touch grass doesn't work why not because the parts of your brain that motivate Behavior if I just tell you hey you should exercise every day that doesn't engender motivation it doesn't engender

action telling you what to do is not sufficient we must tell you why you should do it this is what creates behavioral change so if you want to change your behavior and get off the internet what you you need to do is a critical analysis of your experience a critical analysis of what I saying then you will hopefully get off the internet if you internally arrive at this conclusion on your own the likelihood of Behavioral change drastically increases so I'm not telling you to just do anything I'm telling you to understand if I eat highly

processed food and I get constipated the solution is simple I need to change what I put into my body if you don't like the way your mind is you need to change what you put into your mind now why is this so hard because our mind is attracted to those things why do why is it so easy to eat processed food because it tastes good the internet tastes delicious all these like things on Twitter and these posts this I don't know this yian analysis of tropes like I don't know who's writing this stuff I don't

know if they understand yian analysis are they yian trained psycho ists probably not maybe they are who knows so most of the stuff on the internet is trash and it tastes really good what does tasting really good mean it means that it emotionally resonates with our experience that's what we lean into right what does this person gravitate towards fem cell YouTubers yungi and Analysis what you eat tastes good same is true of the mind and this is why why incel Echo Chambers exist they love it there it's like a buffet full of Twinkies all trash

but tastes delicious that's why they keep going back so when you engage with these things on the internet ask yourself what is it cuz see understand this you have something in here that feels Satisfied by consuming the trash from the internet what is that thing what is this that you are feeding constantly and one of two things will happen when you feed something in inside of you either it'll go away or it'll grow and this is the big problem with the Internet is that the internet doesn't ever satisfy us it you I mean not ever

that's not correct it does rarely but most of the time the stuff that we consume on the internet tricks our brain into satisfaction but it doesn't fulfill our needs so it feels good if you look at venting spaces on the internet people are venting venting venting but I don't know if people get better so it gives us some portion it's just like highly processed food it has calories in it but it doesn't have micronutrients there's a difference between calories and nutrition and the problem with the Internet is all these companies are basing things they're competing

with each other to try to offer the tastiest food so if you look at like fast food companies why are they so unhealthy because they're competing based on satisfaction with everybody else and it's a race to the bottom the internet is no different so everyone's looking for emotional engagement everyone's looking for Deltas if there's a change it's important person who is viewed as good did something bad all over the Internet person who did something bad did something bad again eh the mind is very sensitive the brain is sensitive to Deltas the the brain is sensitive

to emotional engagement so these are the two things that pull us into the internet and when we consume this stuff over and over and over again it changes our thinking and the real problem is that when it comes to dating I think like you know a third of the people that I've worked with like they bring so many problems to the table and then they get frustrated when they can't find what they're looking for you know this this person said I got dumped by someone who dumped me because I was depressed now there are studies

that show that men are have an unfortunately High predisposition of divorcing their wives when their wives get cancer so many men unfortunately do a abandon their wives when they get sick there's data to support that women don't abandon their men when they get sick women divorce their men when they lose their job that's what the data shows right so what is what life circumstance change increases the risk of divorce from a woman's perspective it's a man losing their job from a man's perspective it's a woman becoming unhealthy good people out there and bad people out

there not saying that men are bad or women women are bad Everyone's an [ __ ] for a different reason and I've seen women that are [ __ ] for male reasons and men that are [ __ ] for female reasons the variance within a population far outweighs the variance between populations but the key thing is you know someone breaking up with you because you are depressed that can absolutely be true and that sounds like an [ __ ] thing to do and in some ways it is but I've also seen the other side of

the table what is it like to date someone who's depressed often times the people who break up with people who are depressed is what I've seen as a psychiatrist is not I'm breaking up with you because you're depressed I'm breaking up with you because you are not putting in the effort to make things better that's the common reason but when you are depressed it is very hard to see that Nuance it's very easy to think in black and white I see this with addiction too I'm not breaking up with you because you're an addict I'm

breaking up with you because you stopped going to meetings started hanging out with the wrong crowd and when I told you hey I think you need to start going to meetings again you told me to go screw myself and then said that everything was fine that's why I'm breaking up with you but what is the person going to do they're going to say I broke up with me because I have an addiction problem so there's a lot of nuance here there's a lot of subtlety and the really challenging thing about that is when I read

something like this is that what happened I don't know maybe you got depressed once and the dude was like yeah F this I'm moving on maybe the person was an [ __ ] emotionally available we can't make a deterministic decision there and we don't want to and the reason why is because we're not just talking to that person what happened in that circumstance is not what's important we should understand because we're talking about scale right we should understand the scope and range of things that are possible are dudes likely to dump their girlfriends because they

get depressed absolutely could you have been an unfortunate victim of that circumstance absolutely and what can you do about it so I'd say first thing and you know the internet is full of toxic misogyny but it is also there are pockets of very very good male attitudes so the most positive communities that I have participated in and or watched tend to be dudes talking about cooking most positivity that's where the good men are they're the ones who are talking about and are devoted to grilling and gardening but you go to a relationship advice Community you

go to anything related to explicit gender why is that it's because the people who go there there's like a selection bias right who's hanging out talking about relationships on the internet a lot of good people I'm sure I hang out on those too a bad person but most of the people in healthy relationships are not hanging around Rel relationship advice places they're out living their relationship and this is the real problem with the Internet is that the selection bias is so strong and the selection bias is made worse by the algorithmic nature once your browser

once your Reddit account once your YouTube algorithm knows what you like it will serve you up more and more and more of it and then the diet in your mind it's kind of like like this is what the internet is like and it's really scary imagine a world where if if you go to a fast food restaurant half of the grocery stores in your area get replaced with fast food restaurants and each time you go to a fast food restaurant other places disappear and are replaced by fast food restaurants what would your diet become over

time how much dedicated effort now I have to drive 90 kilometers to find a grocery store this is what the internet does this is why everyone has a trash diet of the mind it is a dynamic landscape where it's erased to the bottom so when things are like when we're prioritizing crappiness and highly processed trash and the world is so Dynamic this is what the world becomes so this person is doing in in a lot of ways like all the right things they have a psychiatrist they have a therapist they're aware that they have an

anxious attachment style and if y'all are looking for wondering where all the the good men are and you have not done all of this work this is where you should start not that everyone needs to go to therapy but it's worth trying and the last thing to consider is that when you see the world a particular way this is what's really hard to understand the world that you see is disconnected from the world that exists because your perception matters a lot right so like and this is what's really challenging especially when we've got these limerance

kind of things where this person says you know people find me attractive but I'm never the one and so when I work with people who struggle with dating I'll ask them what does that practically look like how would you know and what I tend to find is that a lot of people who are struggling to find the one and who are looking for the one are setting an impossible expectation for their Partners to meet I want to be loved completely and totally what does that look like if I was a robot examining your interactions how

would I be able to judge give me a score card what does true love look like and over what span of time are you giving people the time to grow and change how are they supposed to know what true love means to you often times we set telepathic standards for our partners this is what true love means to to me where is your vision of true love coming from it's coming from what you consume like I I can't imagine how difficult it must be if a dude is dating you and you're doing you know yian

analysis of romcom tropes and this is somehow creating a standard in your mind that you're expecting this [ __ ] guy who's playing League of Legends to meet like bro really hard and that's what's so tricky about this is that the truth is that like it's somewhere in the middle of all of this crap are there dudes out there who are [ __ ] yes will dudes out there look at you and project on you their own limerent object right are they going to look at you and see this manic pixie girl yes that happens

but when you look at them do you see the human or do you see your liant object this romantic figure from Beauty and the Beast who is even more Fantastical than Beauty and the Beast because in fiction every man is not good enough and every woman suffers if that is the standard of what happens in fiction what are you expecting from The Real World and this is why it's hard to form connection connection doesn't happen between two fantasies it doesn't happen between Edward Cullen and manic pixie girl it happens between two real people and so

the tricky thing the reason that I'm I'm careful about this stuff I'm I'm acknowledging you know you know if someone is in a vulnerable state and I say things like this you have to be careful because what I'm saying could be interpreted as this is all your fault but that's black and white thinking that's the the cognitive bias I'm not saying it's all your fault I have no idea whose fault it is I have no idea how old you are I have no idea how many relationships you've had I have no idea if you're in

the right or you're in the wrong I don't know and at the same time what I've seen is a psychiatrist time and time and time again is that some of this is your fault and some of it is their fault that is the most correct answer so what do you do about it you do what you can do see when we're hurt when we have an anxious attachment style this is true of limerance okay so this is really interesting so limerance is when we have this unexplained intense powerful attraction to Someone Like An someone else

so the really interesting thing is that people get limerance not just because they have an anxious attachment style there's one really specific difference so people and this isn't always true cuz there's not great data on limerance but this is a really fascinating thing that I found on a paper in limerance once people who grow up with limerance have withholding parents their parents don't meet all their emotional needs so they develop this anxious attachment style where I don't develop confidence and I have to engage in a lot of distress behaviors to get people to be able

to like take care of me so if you leave the room I'm going to start crying because if I don't cry then you'll abandon me so they get this this fear of Abandonment and they have to they're very scared that people will always abandon them now that's just an anxious attachment style when does it become limerance it becomes limerance when there is a child with anxious attachment once in a while has a third par a caregiver so your parents maybe one or two parents but there's a third there's an a third object there's me there's

the parental caregiver who's not giving me what I need and once in a while there is a person out there who gives me exactly what I need but the interaction with them is short so my parents don't encourage me but for three months before I moved I had this coach who was everything that I always wanted and they were so kind to me and then the brain creates a structure where it is possible for a third thing out there that is distant to give me everything that I want and this is what's so frustrating about

limerance is in limerance we see something very similar to this where I'm attracted to this perfect person but the closer I get to them the worse things get so limerance lasts for on average 1 to seven years crazy and after 1 to seven years they transfer to a new liant object you may get too close to this person and then the reality doesn't match up to your fantasy and then the limerance moves to someone else and why do people do this it's because when they were growing up there was a Fantastical figure who did everything

for you but it was just a slice it was just a moment in time maybe even one interaction when no one else when your parents were not taking care of you one teacher noticed or one parent of a friend noticed or one friend noticed and for that one moment everything that you wanted was satisfied and that was true for you and then of of course you as a human being what do you do you go looking for it again because you know it's out there and of course you would I would not blame you for

that for a moment you're looking for true love because you felt it once in your life but woe is the person who's on the receiving end of all of your hopes and dreams where are all of the Good Men us average men can't compete with that us normal men us ordinary men us flawed men us men who are struggling there's no way we can live up to your expectations and the real tragedy of the matter is that we are the good men because most men I think are pretty good most women I think are pretty

good I know I'm going to alienate lots of camps when I say that most human beings I think are pretty good so if you want to find love I mean I think go go for it be a little bit careful about what you consume because what you consume is what you will think what you consume is what you will want advertisers understand that that's why they advertise it's literally mind control so if you want your mind to function in a different way change the diet of the Mind look at what expectations you have look at

what standards you're setting for other people and usually when I work with anxious attachment people like it's really common for like one thing to really rise up which is that the other person is trying to give you what you've always wanted you there's just a communication gap where you're not able to receive it even though they're trying to give it because the way they were taught to give it the way they were taught to express love is different from the way that you expect to receive love so I have love but that has to be

trans at I cannot send you love I have to convey love in a package is it a gift is it an expensive gift is it a kiss is it a communication is it dropping everything that I'm doing and rushing over to you is it a meal and when I do each of those things how do you interpret it this is why finding your soulmate is just the first step the work of a relationship comes in that translation hey hey all hope you enjoyed today's video we talk about a bunch of topics like this on the

channel so be sure to subscribe for more if you're already subscribed GG and we'll see you in chat [Music]