Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue 2025 - SNL

Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you very. - Much. Turn this up, I can't hear.

Thank you guys. Boy, I gotta tell you guys something. I'm being very honest.

I am in quite the pickle tonight. And it started. It started in October.

Lorne Michaels called me and he asked me to do a Saturday Night Live, the first episode after the election. And I was like, nah, man, I'm cool. And he's like, why not?

And I was like, man, things are going good. I finished my Netflix deal. I got all this money and stuff and he's like, oh man, no, come on please.

And I said, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you just to get off the phone. I go, you know what I'll do? I said, just save the date closest to January 6th.

And then the date started rolling around. And in December he started calling me again and again. I was like, nah, man, I don't want to do it.

And this goes on for like weeks and weeks. And then finally, you know, and I go, you know what? I could just get rid of all these old Trump jokes and start fresh.

I said, you know what? I'll do it. Oh thank you.

Here we are. The moment I said yes. L.

A. Burst into flames. And it's a.

Tough one, you know what I mean? Because I'm tired of being controversial. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf.

And it is way too soon to do jokes about a catastrophe like that. It is. You know, what's crazy about it is this one hits close to home.

Now, I don't live in LA, and I've never been like a big fan of LA, but I've built many, many memories there, and I have great friends there and a lot of them lost their homes. Carey Oates, who I starred in Robin Hood Men in Tights with his house burned to the ground. Madlib, who was on Saturday Night Live with me.

Last time I was here, his house burned to the ground. So many people I could go on and on. My first movie I did with Dennis Quaid, I saw him evacuate in his house on the news with tears in his eyes.

And it broke my heart. And then I go on the internet and I watch these fire videos, and I read the comment sections and everyone was like, yeah, it serves these celebrities right. I hope the houses burn Burned down.

You see that? That right there. That's why I hate poor people.

Cause they can't see past their own pain. The other day on the news. The other day on the news, they said that these fires were the most expensive tragedy that ever happened.

Natural disasters. They said it's the most expensive natural disaster that's ever happened in the United States history. And you want to know why?

I think that is? Because people in LA have nice stuff. I could burn 40,000 acres in Mississippi for like, 6 or $700.

And now and now and then we watch the news or talk to my friends. They all have these conspiracy theories of what started these fires. Now they say it's arsonists.

I've heard this theory and I'm sure there were some arsonists, but there were a lot of elements that came together to make this fire, the catastrophe that it was. The winds were 100 miles an hour. La was was dry as a bone and the levees.

And there was just too many factors. If you were a rational, thinking person, you have to at least consider the possibility that God hates these people. Sodomites.

That's not true because. Because West Hollywood was unscathed. Because how can you burn what is already flaming?

How do we get there? A lot of poor people were affected too. A lot of just regular working class families were affected too.

And a lot of those families found out the week of the fires that they lost to help, not their health, their fire insurance. But either way, Luigi is like, you're welcome. You know, Luigi killed them.

And that kid did. Almost playing like the perfect crime. He did everything right.

He planned everything perfectly. The only thing he forgot was to shave his eyebrows. As soon as I saw him on the news, I was like, yeah, that's him.

Finally, they get in front of it this week. Thank God these fires are subsiding and not without help. A lot of countries pitched in.

Canada sent planes that helped us out, and Mexico sent firefighters. And Trump was like, make sure they leave when they're finished. Trump's a wild guy.

He's a wild guy. I'ma tell you something he did that made me crazy when he was running for president, when he was running for president, and he said this at a debate. He said the Haitians in Springfield Ohio were eating people's dogs and cats.

That really upset me because I live in Ohio. In fact, I live in what's up Ohio? I live one town over from Springfield.

Now, those of you who are from Ohio, I hope you know that's not what's happening in Springfield at all. What happened in Springfield is a lot of jobs went away. 20,000 Haitian immigrants were moved there by our government legally, and they pay market value for their rents.

And they saved a lot of companies because they did jobs that the whites weren't doing. It's not that the whites couldn't do these jobs, but they were busy, you know, doing other things. Heroin, sleeping on the streets.

You know what it is. And those communities are immigrant communities who tend to be very successful. They don't they don't come to America to not be rich.

And when he said that, that that community caught hell. It was like a jealousy that ran through the community. And there was nothing I could do about it.

But because I was famous, I said, well, let me just be supportive. So every day for like ten days, I would drive a few miles over to Springfield and eat lunch at the Haitian restaurant and let them know if I'm safe here. You guys are definitely safe here.

And to be honest with you. I don't know what that was. But whatever it was, it fell right off the bone, I'll tell you that.

Now I'm even getting nervous to know how I might leave with the Asians. Now I'm serious, man. You know what it is, man?

It's just no fun being famous anymore. It's like y'all. Y'all made it scary.

You know what it feels like being famous. And scary is the right word. It feels like.

And I'm not being dramatic. It feels like I'm storming the beaches of Normandy in World War two. But I got to keep a happy expression on my face all the time.

So imagine all the danger storming the beach. But I still look like this. The bullets whizzing by and stuff is exploding.

I'm just like. And then every once in a while, something terrible happened and I'll be like, oh no, puffy got hit. And puffy be like, oh, keep going, Playboy.

I kicked the bitch in the face and forgot about it. I've been in trouble in my day. I've been in a lot of trouble in my day.

But. But, man, let me tell you something. This guy, puffy buddy, this guy is in an enormous amount of trouble.

I've never. I don't think I've ever seen anything like this. They got this guy in a Rico case by himself.

My friends ask me, they say, Dave, did you know anything about those freak off parties? - And I'd be. - Like.

Nah, man. I ain't know anything about the freak show. And they all look at me like.

And they'd be like, well, how are these people? You know? Was that the freak off?

But she's the only one that wasn't at the freak off. And I thought about it for a minute and I said, oh my God. I'm ugly.

Boy. That's a tough way to find that out. Can you imagine if you were me reading a newspaper and found out everyone in Hollywood had an orgy behind your back?

- Like none of y'all called me. - Well, that really hurts. I'm glad it didn't call me, though, because the stories that come out about it are crazy.

I saw one thing on the internet, so I'm not sure this is true. Probably that is true, but I saw it. Some guy who said he knew puffy was like, yeah, man.

He's like, I was at the golf one time. And I went in the back room and puff was in there with Carl Winslow, the dad from Family Matters. He was smashing, and I was like, puff, what are you doing?

And he was like, yeah, feels good to make another man do your bidding. And I was like, oh my God. Carl Winslow from.

Family Matters was there and I wasn't invited. It's worse than I thought. Oh.

Or or maybe I'm not ugly. I mean, you know, look. Look at my face.

This is not necessarily a handsome face, but. But it's not an ugly face. But but if you really study my face clearly.

Clearly, I have snitch energy. Oh, I look like. I'll tell you the last thing you want to see.

The orgy is me across the room, looking at you like. Hey. Leave Carl Winslow alone.

Hey. Amen. Amen.

Are you watching at home? You might not be famous, but I bet you ain't perfect. Nobody is perfect.

The idea is, as you live your life, you're supposed to evolve and grow past your mistakes. But if you get to be 55 and puff is 55, you don't look old. But paying half price at the movies.

One senior Playboy. Ain't nothing wrong getting older. But if you if you're 55 and you got a thousand bottles of baby oil in the house, clearly you can't stop, won't stop.

You're committed to the lifestyle. Cause I'm 51. And I'm telling you it's true.

I can't remember a single time I ever threw an empty bottle of baby oil in the trash. I don't think I've ever finished a bottle of baby oil in my life. If we went to my mother's house tonight, she probably got the same baby we had when I was a little boy with a pink top.

And somehow puffy was all the way down to the last. And having baby oil is not illegal. They they don't remind you about that part.

That's the least harmful thing I've read in that doc. He just used the wrong lube. I think if he used Crisco, he would have got away with it.

But it'd just be like, oh, he likes to cook. Thanks. Oh.

Thank God they caught him before those fires because they'd been goddamn mushroom cloud over his house. A thousand bottles of baby oil in there. Here's the thing.

On Monday, Donald Trump's coming back. He'll be the 47th president. He's done it again.

And all the flags will be at half staff for many of them, because Jimmy Carter died. Now, I got to tell you, Jimmy Carter, people go back and forth and say he was a bad president or a good president. I'm not qualified to even speak on that.

But I'll tell you this. I was in the Middle East years ago after I quit my show. I was trying to find out what I wanted to do with my life.

And while I was there, Jimmy Carter flew to Israel. So everybody in the region was talking about a former American president it being in the Middle East? And while he was in Israel, a book of his was released, and his title was very controversial in Israel.

And the title of the book was Palestine Peace, Not Apartheid. And people were very mad. In Israel there was a lot of mean stories that came out in the paper, but some people were supportive.

And while he was there, Jimmy Carter said, I want to go to the Palestinian territory. And the Israeli government said it's too dangerous. And if you go, we cannot protect.

You. And man, Jimmy Carter went anyway. I will never forget the images of a former American president walking with little to no security while thousands of Palestinians were cheering him on.

And when I saw that picture, it brought tears to my eyes. I said, I don't know if that's a good president, but that right there, I am sure is a great man. It made me feel very Every time.

The presidency is no place for petty people. So Donald Trump, I know you watched the show. Man, remember whether people voted for you or not.

They're all counting on you, whether they like you or not. They're all counting on you. The whole world is counting on you.

And I mean this when I say this. Good luck. Please do better next time.

Please. All of us do better next time. Do not forget your humanity.

And please have empathy for displaced people, whether they're in the Palisades or Palestine. - Thank you very much. - And good night.