Office COLD OPENS To Watch In The Morning

Michael, since it is your 15th anniversary at the company, I thought it might be appropriate to begin the festivities with a 15minute round of applause. I like it. Followed by a 15minute moment of silence.

I don't know. Is it classy enough, Jim? Enough with the classy.

Okay. I just feel like after 15 years at this company, Bravo, by the way, that we should celebrate with a very classy event. A night to remember.

I think you're right. This party has to have all the excitement, drama, and intrigue of my time here. And of course, classy and classy.

Yeah, my call. You're just agreeing with him because he's wearing a tux. Don't you see what he's doing here?

Last week, Dwight sent out a memo about the dress code. So, this is me showing him that I'm taking it very seriously. Oh, here's one.

A string quartet playing classy cow music. You know, that's good, but it's not classy. I I need something classy, like the opening of a car dealership.

That's it. Or Mr Peanut. Yes, Mr Peanut is not classy.

Yes, he is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monle, and a top hat. That's what makes him classy.

Okay, how about this? An ice sculpture shaped like you covered in chocolate covered strawberries. A Dwight, you're trying too hard, and that's just not classy.

See, the thing about classy is it's a state of mind. Well, I'm sorry. I just don't know what class he is then.

Okay, let's just try this one on for size. And I apologize because it's right off the top of my head. A nice sculpture of you completely surrounded by a variety of chocolatecovered fruits.

Strawberries. That's inspired. I said that.

Not classy. Not classy at all. They class A French classy.

Okay. Well, I did not get the job in New York, but I got the real prize. Domestic bliss.

Jan made me breakfast this morning. Well, she bought the milk. It's soy.

This is why I do it. That's what I have to come home to. She probably won't be up for a few hours.

This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home.

Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff.

Um Andy and Dwight are rocking the sales team. I feel very blessed. [Music] So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards and now I am recruiting you.

Who is this guy again? Don't worry about Phil. He drives a Corvette.

He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are the wave of the future.

These things sell themselves. Who uses calling cards anyway? You know what?

That's a nice attitude, Ryan. I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend. It sounds like a get-rich quick scheme.

Yes. Thank you. You will get rich quick.

We all will. Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment? The one from the email?

You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country.

Okay. All right. So, raise your hand if you want to get rich.

All right. No. Um, how is this not a pyramid scheme?

All right. Let me explain again. Phil has recruited me and another guy.

Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more people who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme.

It is a It's not even a scheme, per se. It's I have to go make a call. The Saber code of conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees, clients.

Oh my god, kill me. Hey. All right.

Obviously, we all want to die, but we have to get through this. So, Gabe, go ahead. It's okay.

Oh, is it is it okay with you? Because if it's not, you work for me. So, comply with all applicable laws, regulations, policies, and contracts governing our business.

Be honest, fair, trustworthy in all your business activities and relationships. Treat one another. I'm going into labor.

Oh, okay. She's going into labor. Make way, everybody.

I know it's wrong to fake going into labor just to get out of things, but sometimes it's necessary. I'm going into labor. Should I have corn dogs?

I mean, I'm going into labor. Okay. Three reasons you are wrong about true blood.

Number one, I'm going into labor. Here we go. Hey guys.

Uh, can't keep saying you're going into labor. Everyone knows you're full of it. Yeah.

It's not fair, you guys. Pitiful. Never cry, wolf.

Okay. Okay. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh my god.

I I'm I'm really in labor. This is happening. Okay, guys.

Okay, here we go. We'll see you. All right.

How do you feel? Good luck. Good luck.

Good luck. False alarm. Okay.

Bye. Everyone, stop what you're doing. I have terrible news.

Dwight is no longer with us. What? He's gone.

Damn it. He's been promoted to VP of Saber Retail and he's staying in Florida forever. So, he's alive.

Yeah, that was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful. Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.

How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke of good fortune and he is now in a better place. If Dwight's not coming back, does that mean we can open his treasure?

You guys, we've gone over this. There is no treasure. When the team left for Tallahassee, Dwight told everyone not to touch his treasure.

Don't touch my treasure. Okay, you understand? Obviously, he wants us to obsess about it.

There's nothing in there, which is obviously what he would want us to think, making it the perfect place to hide a treasure. Oh god, I'm Wales in the Princess Bride. I think that Dwight wanted us to realize that this conversation among friends is the true treasure.

I am dying to know what's in there. Yeah, I know, Oscar. We all are.

But nobody's going to open it. You'd have to be insane. Hi.

Hello. Now, carefully open the box. It's a photo of all of us.

Oh, that's so sweet. A dart? Are you kidding me?

Who would put a poison dart? Well, I mean, I don't know that it's poison. I mean, I just have to imagine.

God, I'm glad he's okay, though. Kind of sounds like he deserved it. Opening another man's treasure and all.

Wow. Hola. Hola.

Uneno worker. Two es. Come on.

K. We don't go with that man. I've seen several men go with that man and none come back.

We've lost friends. We don't know what he does with them. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I pick up day laborers and tell them that they'll get paid at 6 p. m. At 5:45, a certain INS agent by the name of Mo Shroot throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg, and tells them it's Canada.

amigo workerto. Are you from Scranton e before that? La Philadelphia.

You speak English? Yes. I'm really good at English.

Okay, good. Me, too. Get in the car.

Okay. Who is this guy by our cars? That is my new maintenance worker, Nate.

And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of that hornet's nest that you've been griping about. Yeah, I got stung up my dress. Poor Hornet.

I've left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly, he'll conquer the hornets.

And if he doesn't, he'll die. What? Uh, beg your pardon?

When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted? Is that a blowtorrch? No.

No. No. No.

Interesting choice. Yes. Very, very smart.

Walking away. Go away. No.

No. No. No.

What is he doing? Oh, they're stinging him. [Applause] Oh, oh, what is this?

A a meatball? Really? It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience.

That was usually Pam. So, now that she's out, I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan, but not everything makes him laugh.

He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I found out what he likes, and it's really weird. Jim, come on.

So juvenile. What the You've been meatballled. Oh, are you ready for some meatball?

Oh, man. This is not very clever, Jim. I know.

Look for your stapler. Really, Jim? Really?

Very funny. Okay, good. What's a haul?

32 meatballs. Good day. That idiot's been feeding us for a week.

We'll never have to buy meatballs again. No, you lied to me, Andy. You pretended to be in this office for 3 months and you were sailing on your boat.

I resent that. I I never lied to you. Really?

Hey, David. All is good in Scranton, PA. And all was good in Scranton, PA.

That by the way, Oscar says hi. Oscar says hi all the time. He says all kinds of greetings.

Hi. Hello. Ola.

You're telling me you've never heard Oscar say hi? Andy. Oh, you're calling me a liar.

Andy, by the way, that reminds me. I want to ask you about some of the lies you've been telling me. Watch it, Andy.

Oh, here we go. January 7th, 2013. Hey Andy.

All's well. Been meaning to make it down there, but my wife's sick. Well, which is it?

Is all well, or is your wife sick? Busted. My wife.

This has been a really tough time. Yeah. Yeah.

Has it? Aaron just dumped me. And I can't remember any of the aha moments I had on the boat.

And I know it sounds weird to say, but I really miss my beard. It was like a security blanket. I'm not going to fire you.

You're not? No. That's awesome.

I wouldn't own the company if it wasn't for you. So, I owe you that. David, I'll be there for you.

These five words, I swear to you. When you breathe, I want to be here for you. I'll be there for you.

That's a poem by JB Joy. I want you to have it. We are even now.

Understand? Got it. Crystal.

And you are on very Hey, very thin ice. Vanilla. Vanilla ice.

He was a band. Well, I should go. All right.

I'll tell everybody here that you say hi. No, don't. I'm mad at them.

Why? What happened? Not one of them called to congratulate me on our engagement.

Ah. that they might be off the hook for because I didn't tell them. What?

Why not? I just didn't, you know, want a deal. Come on, it won't be that bad.

Okay, you know what? Here we go. Uh, everybody, just wanted to make an announcement.

Pam and I are engaged. Hi, everyone. I thought you were already engaged.

Nope. That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy.

Thank you, Angela. I got a gift for Pam and Roy. Do I have to get another one?

Yes. A little close to my engagement there. Tuna, what's your game here?

To get married. She's not a virgin, you know. Wow.

What's going on? No, nothing. Nothing, Michael.

Just saying hi. The tall guy got engaged to be married. Yep.

Sorry. Happy Halloween everyone. That's great.

Hey, happy Halloween. Jan called. Okay, I know why she is calling.

It's the end of the month and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile. Okay.

Jen Levenson's office. Hey, Sherry. Michael Scott returning.

Oh, she's in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go. Well, I'm going to wait till the end of the day because the book said it's best to wait until the end of the day.

I just need the name of who you're planning to let go. I don't know yet. I will have to call her back.

I know she wanted the name. Okay, Sherry. Yeah.

If you were getting fired, how would you want to be told so that you could still be friends with the person firing you? Jen wants the name as soon as possible. Michael, thanks.

Mhm. I'll call her back. I could fire Sherry.

Hey, I'm still here. Okay. I'm sorry.

Yeah. Nope. Okay.

Bye. Hanging out now. What?

Oh, nothing. Pam's on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see her. It'll be nice.

And uh she set a date for the wedding with Roy uh June summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that.

What? Oh, nothing. Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week.

I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me. Hello, son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead.

Life is over. How do you know it's going to be a boy? How would you stop interrupting, please?

Yesterday, I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork, and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious.

And if I die, I want my son to know the dio of life. Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to. To jump start a car, first pop the hood.

Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever. Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra.

What? We will demonstrate on Pam. No.

And no. Come on. You just twist your hand until something breaks.

Well, you get the picture. Thanks, Pam. And remember, no matter what, I will always love you.

What if he's a murderer? He's not going to be a murderer. Maybe that's how you die.

You know what, Dwight? Do you want to do this or No, I want to do this. Okay.

From the top. Ready? Three.

Action. You should get one of these. No.

Thank you. Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life.

Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts. Done. This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core.

Sorry. Numerous health benefits. Strengthens your back.

Better performance in sports. More enjoyable sex. You're not having sex.

Plus, improves your reflexes. I would have caught that. Okay.

You know what? Uh, how much is that? Uh, it's only 25 bucks.

Wow. Um, okay. Wow.

Thank you. Yeah. Just going to grab some chips.

You want some? No thanks. Uh, we're still having lunch today, right?

I guess. How dare you? Hey, Toby.

What's this? Huh? I just want to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA or public displays of affection.

Yes. Uh, some people in the office have complained Oh, really? about some other people engaging in PDA.

And you know, just want to remind it's not appropriate to to do that. This is about me and Jan in my office because I will have you know that that was consensual, but we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don't think I think anyone heard anything.

We were very discreet and and I most people had left by that point. So, I don't I don't think it's any of your business. So, what I think you should do is roll up the memo real tight.

Okay. Look, the memo is not about you. For the record, I have never been involved with anyone at work in any capacity.

All right, everyone. Look, it all right. The complaint was about Jim and Pam.

So, no way. What? You guys are together?

[Music] Um, yep. Yes, we are. Whoa.

Wow. Tuda. Awesome.

I just knew it to the two of you. Yes. Yes.

Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us? Yes. Okay.

Mind is exploding. Get over here. Come on.

Come here. Okay. Okay.

Stand up. Okay. Here we go, everyone.

This is a day that will live in infamy. Because today is the day that Jim and Pam become one. Actually, we've been dating for a couple months.

I love you guys so much. No, no, no. Pam, let them ring.

Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love because this is really good. This is really good. My heart soarses with the eagle's nest.

I don't see it. I think they both could do better. It's not a surprise to me.

Pam is the office mattress. Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office?

Hey, how you doing? Been thinking about my grandmother a lot. Yeah, she was about to turn 97.

At least she lived a very long and I'm sure very happy life. Got you this card. When you're ready, we all signed it.

We just wanted you to know we're thinking about you. Thank you. Congratulations, Daryl.

Let's get wasted. Have fun today, big guy. Oh yeah, party time.

Whoop whoop. It's possible that some people thought it was your birthday. Hooray.

Live it up, Big D. Days like this don't come often enough. Time to celebrate.

You deserve this. [Laughter] [Music] Birthday punches. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 13 14 15 6 7 8 9 2 3 4 I just wanted to check and see if there's anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave.

Yeah, I'm pregnant. Great. Well, I'll write up the order.

Wait a minute. Thanks. You can't do that.

You cannot exploit your baby for sales. Hey, did I tell you we're going to have a baby? Oh, thank you very much.

I'm excited. Oh, definitely. No, no, you need to come by your sales honorably.

There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life. People like it. Hey there, Dwight Shroo here.

Listen, uh would you be interested in restocking on paper? Yeah, I could sure use the money. My cousin uh came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus.

Oh, it's just horrific. The doctor says he's never seen a beard so quickly. [Applause] Okay, I need a baby.

I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.

Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Saber store and I, Dwight Shroo, am in charge of the entire operation. And if I can prove myself today and the store is a hit with the media and Nelly sees this, the vice presidency is mine. Are you holding this chair?

Cuz I feel like I'm going to fall off. I'm not wearing the right shoes for this. Okay, we went over this.

Okay, your tiny fingers make the best knots. Hey, strangers. So stoked for the Saba store opening.

Hey, my name is Tabitha. I'm camped out in front of the Saber store so I can be first in line for the new pyramid. It's me, Aaron.

Dwight pretend to be a hipster to create hype. And it's working. There's already people camped out behind me.

The tea in Nepal is very hot, but the coffee in Peru is much hotter. Last week, I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project, increase security.

I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now, they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day's security codes.

Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start. The tea in Nepal is very hot.

But the coffee in Peru is far hotter. Close. This is Tuesday, right?

The the coffee in Paraguay is far hotter. Colder. The coffee in Paraguay is colder.

No, I meant you were getting colder. The correct response is the coffee in Peru is much hotter. A much.

Okay. But that's three wrong. So I got to give you the steam.

No. Unless you want me to break protocol. No.

No. Give me the steam. It's just harmless steam to panic intruders.

I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd. Break protocol. Break protocol.

Break protocol. Oh, I'm saving a fortune on dry cleaning. Oh, hey Kevin.

Nice of you to join us. Where were you? My tire blew out on the way here, Michael.

I almost died. I went into this skid. Pop quiz.

What? Why is today a special day? I almost died.

Today is a special day because I am being honored as a visiting professor, special lecturer emeritus. How did you how did how did you He will be a guest speaker in my emerging enterprises class in business school. Kevin business school.

Wow. If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So, I'd be stupid not to do it, right?

A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher like Mr Handell. Mr Handell would hang out with us and he would tell us awesome jokes and he actually hooked up with one of the students.

Um, and then like 12 other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us.

The fundamentals of business. The fundamentals of business. Mental is a part of the word.

I have underlined it because you're mental. If you don't have a good time, you have to enjoy it. Well, the the fun is in it.

Oh, right. Fun. Get out.

I know. Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake.

But you can't just go right to the selling. You need small talk. What topics can you use for small talk?

Golf, stock market, Dave Matthews. Yes. What else?

Uh, small things. P's, ball bearings, dimes. No, the weekend.

Yeah, that's good. Come on up, Meredith. Come up here.

Let's do a little something. So, Meredith and I have just started conversing, and I will say, so Meredith, how was your weekend? What did you do?

Well, I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet. He calls it an upper deck. Okay.

Okay. God, what you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with. Then do it.

What? Write a book. The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott.

Over 1 billion sold. More than the Bible. I'm not surprised.

Chapter one. the businessman. Wow, it is raining cats and dogs out there.

Holy moly. Phyllis says the same 12 cliches every time it rains. So, I promised everyone that if she says them all by noon today, I will send out for hot chocolates.

So, how's the drive in? Uh, nobody knows how to drive in the rain. You don't say.

Yeah. You know, the roads are actually the sickest in the first half hour. The plants are going to love this.

Yeah, I actually sleep better when it's raining. Tell me about it. Time's almost up.

How many are left? Just one. This weather makes me want to stay at home curled up with a good book.

Phyllis, this rain, does it make you want to be doing something? What do you mean? You know, like, aren't some things just so nice and cozy in the rain?

Hey, come on. Lots of things are cozy in the rain. And that's noon.

Exactly. I mean, normally the rain would make me want to stay at home curled up with a good book, but everybody's being so nice to me today. I'm really happy being here.