How to Have a Difficult Conversation

today we're talking about how to have a difficult conversation what is it about difficult conversations that well make them so difficult and how can you make them a little easier in your life Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything if you've enjoyed learning tools that improve your communication I'm going to ask you to subscribe to this Channel and please leave a review if you have any topic suggestions just throw the in the comments when it's time for that difficult conversation number one

don't begin with how are you how are things difficult conversations are not the time for small talk the only thing that should come out of your mouth is thank you for making the time to talk with me number two follow that up with I need your help I need your help knowing how to feel about this I need your help knowing what to do about this when you say I need your help it takes it from opponents to teammates and number three in with how you feel about the conversation I feel better having talked with

you I feel more settled after discussing this and the key is you then end it with so how about you when you say how about you you are getting them to connect with you to say how do you feel about this conversation do you feel better about it or do we need to continue to talk now when I get questions about how to have a difficult conversation it typically revolves around having to deliver bad news meaning there is something negative that you need to say to someone someone and you know they are not going to

like it you know they're going to get upset it's going to bother them it's going to ruin the mood it's going to ruin the the atmosphere or or possibly ruin the relationship or you see it with how to address a sensitive topic maybe it's something that's been laid heavy on your heart and you don't know how to start or something that's been bothering you and you know it's for the best that you talk to this other person about it and you just don't know where to begin you remove the difficult from difficult conversations when you

break it down into bite-sized pieces that are going to connect you to that other person now typically in my life where I see difficult conversations is when I have to deliver bad news to a client you know not every case is perfect and not every client is a good client and not every case is a good case the law applies to the facts so sometimes you have to tell them I'm sorry but the law doesn't allow this or the law is against you on this case so that just is part of normal life and how

you handle that conversation meaning not just what you say but more importantly how you say it can mean the difference between making what comes after the difficult conversation easier or just more difficult now the strategy does change slightly depending on whether you need to deliver bad news or simply discuss a sensitive topic when it comes to strictly bad news the faster you get that bad news out the better the conversation is going to go for example if you have to fire someone the first thing out of your mouth should be I have bad news or

you need to say something that's hard for them to hear you tell them that this is going to be hard to hear this is going to be a difficult conversation this is not going to be fun for us to talk about you give them a pause and then you deliver the bad news in that moment directness is also kindness all right and when it comes to sensitive topics it's much easier to follow steps one two and three where you're going to say thank you for talking with me um I need your help I feel better

about this so let's go through a everyday typical conversation where you need to say something that's hard for them to hear so let's assume you need to have a difficult conversation with someone and let's make it about something they said a comment they made at a dinner with friends last week you've tried to let it go but it's just not happen and you know that you need to talk with them about it if you're following rule number one what you're not going to do is begin with so how was work how was this work today

when you know good and well that's not at all what you really care about because what's worse is when you make them talk about work and then you just drop the hammer and say oh that's nice listen you remember what you said last week that's a safe way to set this up for failure instead what you're going to do is set aside time and say hey when you have a moment can we talk about something next you're going to going to go to rule number two I need your help I need your help knowing how

to feel about a comment you made at dinner last week I've tried to let it go I have dealt with it and and just kind of simmered on it in my mind and I need your help with it then have that conversation tell them what they said tell them how it made you feel and that's the difficult part is that you have to express your own thoughts and nobody can do that for you but what makes it easier is when you lead with I need your help people love to be helpful they want to be

helpful rather than coming in and making in defensive and and going into Attack Mode when you can say I need your help it doesn't feel like you're sitting on two separate sides of the table right it makes you feel like you've instead scooted up a chair beside you and so let's sit together and look at this problem that's on the table in front of us and let's work through it together and when you're able to have that conversation and say what you need to say and get it all out or maybe you just need to

hear their perspective of what they meant by their comment last week it's going to make it better and bring you closer together because it's the difficult conversations that allow you the chance to dive deeper into your relationship and grow and build and then after you've had that conversation number three you're going to end with I feel X I feel better I feel relieved I feel more settled I feel better better knowing your perspective or where you coming from in it and then you ask how about you or how are you feeling what do you think

get that connection just a little bit closer to to to wrap it up in a bow and say hey we just went through something that that was a little difficult we went through something that was not easy and let's walk out of it hand in hand let's walk out of it together whatever it is you have that meaning of the mind to say I feel okay about this you feel okay about this got it good all right I'm going to take a question from a follower this one comes from an email in case you didn't

know I have a weekly communication newsletter where I send out one communication tip right to your inbox totally for free and in response you can ask questions like the one I'm about to answer right now but this here um I have my other phone this is the one that I typically use this one comes from Derek in Oregon Derrick says Hey Jefferson love your content thanks Derek I have a difficult conversation I have to speak with I'm not going to say his name my supervisor under my manager about an issue I always feel like he

puts down my ideas and does not take them seriously I'm afraid that if I address this with him U it's going to make me look bad Derek I got you that makes a lot of sense and I'm sorry that you're in that position I wish that if your supervisor made it a lot easier to have these kind of conversations this is what I want you to do number one set aside time for this conversation don't just knock on his door and say hey do you have a few minutes that's not the way to go all

right Derek I want you to set aside real time that means ahead of time you say hey uh later today or tomorrow or this week can I set aside 30 minutes to talk with you about something that's the way you do that and then when it comes time too you're going to follow number one and say thank you for setting aside the time to talk with me number two you're going to begin with I need your help I need your help with knowing how to feel about something or you can tweak it to say I

need your help and really your Insight if if you ever felt like this before or if you came across this feeling before even if it has to do with them they've been in that position before everybody has okay everybody has Derek so you're going to say I need your help and they're going to kind of straighten up say all right this person needs my help or maybe they need my inside and ask them I I have had issues with expressing my views in meetings or wherever it is and I can't help but feel like my

contribution is not wanted I don't know how to feel about that and then just go quiet don't keep rambling don't if they ask for an example go ahead and give it to them but but don't keep talking and overe explaining keep it short and put it in their side of put on their side of the net all right once you have that discussion then number three you end it with I feel better about that thank you but you're or and ask them how do you feel about it is there anything else that I can do

and you have that one onone that heart tohe heart to say we said set aside time for this I need your help with this and maybe they will hopefully if they're serious and this is a place that you need to be and work and have a professional career in and hopefully this manager is someone who's going to accept this conversation and understand that they can help you help you that they have felt this way in the past and they can offer a great way forward and that's how to have that difficult conversation the biggest thing

is just don't be afraid to ask them in a way that sounds like you're learning when you come at it from an angle of wanting to be a student rather than an expectation of they should behave this way and you should behave that way just soften that and say look I'm trying to learn here I need your help here I have ideas that could benefit this company or or benefit this team and I don't feel like they're being appreciated how can I be better about that and then listen when you stop trying to prove something

and start trying to learn and listen instead magical things can happen in your life and so when you talk with that supervisor and you have that discussion with him and you end it with great I feel better about this how do you feel about it he says oh I feel good I feel X Y and Z if if this person is serious and wants to be a good manager and this is where you need to be in your life that's how I would handle that conversation Derek and I wish you all the best one of

the biggest things that I want you to keep in mind about difficult conversations is that they are a catalyst for more real in your life real genuine authentic things in your life here's what I mean the deeper relationship you want to have with someone the greater tolerance you have to have for difficult conversations if you only want easy if you only want surface level conversations I'll show you a surface level relationship think about the times or the closest people that you have in your life these are the on who have been with you that have

rolled up their sleeves and been in it with you from day one or at critical moments in your life that were not easy they've been with you through the hard the difficult they've had those hard conversations with you so don't think that difficult conversations are something to dread often difficult conversations are the very thing that you need to succeed the very thing that you need to go to the next step sometimes it is that difficult thing that you have to say that makes all the difference you can change your life by that next sentence you

can change everything by the next conversation the right sentence to the right person can change everything so keep in mind that the difficult conversations are ones to welcome not shy away from if you want to support this podcast and improve your communication I ask you to subscribe to this YouTube channel as well as follow the podcast on Spotify or apple or wherever you listen to your podcast thank you so much for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast and as always you can try that follow me