if you have to pick up the phone and call somebody after you've been triggered or going through negative emotions if you have to run your big and small decisions even like what picture you should post on Instagram next by somebody if you struggle with rejection and your emotions are affected by other people's opinions of you then you especially need to watch this video seeking validation is the fastest way to betray yourself and in the process of doing so not only are you saying you don't trust yourself but you're saying that you rely on others to
have better self-worth and that external opinions are more important than your own and after a while of engaging with this Behavior not only will you lose yourself you'll find it difficult to love yourself and you could spend your entire life chasing others and still never feeling fulfilled because you haven't taken the time to build a safe supportive validating and loving home to come back to within yourself and that's why this video is all about how you can learn to finally validate yourself learning to validate yourself will maximize your Independence allow you to get to know
yourself fully so you can actually be your own best friend it provides an effective practice to actually grow your self-love and my favorite it will help you to manage your thoughts and emotions much better as always I'll leave the video chapters on the side of the screen so you can get to know the structure of this video and also my make sure you follow my Instagram because every single week before I record a YouTube video I always put out q a on the topic of that YouTube video so you guys can let me know any
questions or queries you have on the topic of that week's video that you want me to touch on and I've looked through all of your answers and I've Incorporated some of those questions throughout this video to help as many of you as I possibly can let's get to the root of this because once you understand fully where it's coming from you can work back from it effectively seeking validation is a very common thing but it looks different in every single person and this is because there are five types of validation you can seek romantic slash
mail validation social media validation like likes followers Etc Community validation this is what I like to call like popularity validation wanting to be accepted by other people the cool kids friends Etc familial validation this is when you'll bend over backwards to do anything that will make your family proud even if it's not actually very self-serving to you you'll allow family members or parents to overstep your boundaries because you just want them to accept and love you and finally academic valid station when you attach your Worth to grades and achievements and success the reason people seek
validation is because they are placing their self-concept and self-esteem in the hands of others such as their approval from other people or from external factors like grades you are placing your self-love and your self-worth to something outside of yourself that literally makes no sense and that's why it never works long term that's why it's a never-ending cycle you might get the likes and followers you might get the guy to like you you might be in with the popular kids but then you're chasing it still over and over and over again and never feeling fulfilled you
are always chasing something because you are chasing the wrong thing validation starts and ends within yourself really seeking validation is caused by having a very weak self-perception which is built on a very shaky Foundation of your self-worth what I mean by this shaky Foundation of self-worth is that an insult or online trolling or even disapproval from a stranger can now cause insecurities within yourself because you haven't got that strong foundation so how can we reverse seeking validation from other people the best way is to close the gap between your public and private self we want
to take it from here to here so it's the same person many of us build a Persona that we use in Social settings our public self and we carefully curate this public self so that we can gain the desired perception we want other people to have of us for example we might try to be quieter or have fewer opinions so no one disagrees with us and we're not controversial we might water down our personality because we think that's the only way we'll get more friends you know like when you meet someone for the first time
you're like you know don't be too much or I have to be a bit more of a refined perfect polite nicer version of myself so now let me reassure and validate you it is not your fault that you seek validation the reason that you do is because you probably received little to no validation when you were a child or maybe you didn't receive a validation when you were growing up in your teenage years from your family your friends maybe even your teachers validation is an underrated form of love and acceptance and it should not be
held back from anyone and if it was held back from you then of course you're gonna have unhealthy copy mechanisms like people pleasing or seeking male validation or attaching your work to your academics that is not your fault and I'm so sorry that that's the place that you're in however although it is not your fault it is your responsibility to make a better life for your present self it is your mission to be there for yourself so you don't keep suffering in the long term because at the end of the day you are and you
need to believe that you are beautiful enough you are smart enough you are desirable enough and you are worthy enough of everything you want you are worthy enough to be validated just from yourself and you need to hold that self-validation to such a high standard that the opinions of others no longer hold any significance to how you feel about yourself and this is the perfect time to bring in male validation this is something I struggled with for so many years it's a never-ending path of trying to fill a hole within yourself which only craves self-love
but that's hard so you go out and you seek it from other people instead because a compliment a text from a guy being asked on a date is quick and easy and it will give you that dopamine hit so fast but it will not fulfill you long term so let's cut that out and this is how first and foremost take men off the pedestal and put yourself on it instead affirm it I am that I always have been and I always will be regardless of what anybody else says I don't care if you believe it
you are going to say this to yourself enough times until you do you are going to embody the energy of being your own it girl until it naturally becomes a part of you also just because somebody else gets more male attention than you does not take away your beauty or your worth as a woman please do not let it Define you because men's tastes are very questionable they are not to be trusted okay men should be the last people to be the deciders of anybody's Worth or beauty it's 2023 we know how stupid men can
be and the weird decisions they make and yet you still trust that their opinion of you is valid what next figure out your attachment style if you are seeking male validation then chances are you have some attachment issues you could have an avoidance or an anxious attachment take a free test online learn what it is and then work back from it read your books take online courses join therapy if you have to it is very possible and I say this from experience because I used to be an avoidant and now I'm I am secure majority
of my issues around male validation came around because I was an avoidant because I loved flirting and being a Serial data I also had a lot of internal insecurities so I was placing my worth in the hands of men so by working on my attachment issues working on how to master Detachment and working on my insecurities I was good as new the next step is my favorite and this is take a male detox three months for six months for a year do not date no talking stages no hooking up no flirting just loving your Solitude
finding Community supportive friends Hobbies building up your dream life after spending a year alone and not engaging in trying to impress men trying to get them to like you trying to get them to choose you date you whatever you will become so magnetic and confident and independent your aura will be amazing and especially once you've taken that significant amount of time and spent a alone you are no longer going to care what other men think about you because now you're used to not chasing it anymore it takes 30 days to form a habit so I
don't care how hard and uncomfortable it feels for 30 days you are not going to date or talk to a man after a month you'll be used to it after a month you'll be used to loving yourself and your own company then you keep it going then your confidence increases then you're more independent then you'll stand and Skyrocket then you don't even care what a man has to say about you and also please remember this why do you need somebody else to tell you that you're beautiful or that they like you you liking yourself is
enough you can stop there I am proud of myself for XYZ yes maybe I have these few weaknesses and insecurities over that that's okay that's human that doesn't make me any less worthy that doesn't make me imperfect even if I am imperfect that's fine but what I think about myself is the only thing that matters so let's talk about the next form of seeking validation which is people pleasing and how this can make you lose yourself I have had my own battles with this over the course of my life so far this was even up
until recently where I feel like I didn't feel worthy of friendship so I would water myself down so I was more digestible for others or I would push myself to fit in a smaller box so that more people would like me or I would bend over backwards to do favors for people and impress them so that they'd like me and approve of me and in doing all of that I lost myself because I was signaling to my brain that my choices are not enough me just being authentic take on my own as I am isn't
enough I had this limiting ongoing belief that I have to perform and I have to earn other people's approval I can happily say I'm no longer in that place and this is how I spent so long growing my self-love through spending time by myself in my solitude because the thing is is seeking validation and people pleasing is a very addictive behavior and it can turn into a never-ending cycle just like many other forms of validation so sit with yourself start practicing what it's like to spend time with yourself and how fun it can be and
over time you'll enjoy it a little bit more each day and when you've fallen in love with yourself in your Solitude your standards go so high my dating standards and my friendship standards are equally high and not enough people talk about this there's so much emphasis on having such a big list of rules and high standards for dating men which of course there should be but you should hold the same standards for your friendships for who you allowed to take up your time energy space resources emotions love affection and care I am so picky now
because I don't mind being alone I'm happy with it that's how I protect my peace and my energy that's how I stay feeling good about myself because now at least I don't have toxic friends at least I'm not bending over backwards for people who wouldn't do the same for me and on top of this once you are confident in spending time alone once your standards have been raised to the roof you can now set boundaries without fear a lot of people tell me that they struggle with setting boundaries really this is a result of a
lack of confidence and also because you tend to be a people pleaser you are afraid of letting other people down or disappointing them but the right people aren't going to be disappointed when you set your boundaries they will respect them and when you spend time alone and have those high standards for friendship you will be able to protect yourself and avoid those leeches that make you feel bad for saying boundaries a very important element to stop seeking validation is to stop giving enough and this is how you do it remember that everything is temporary and
that one person's disapproval of you is a singular moment in time that moment of time will pass and they will forget about you before you know it plus nothing really matters and we're all living on a floating Rock And We Are One one of eight billion people let that sink in nobody cares that much I am never going to be that person that says that nobody cares about you because truthfully yes people stabbed people laugh they point they insult they judge they talk behind your back I've experienced it all sometimes people do care about what's
going on in your life because it makes them feel better about themselves to judge you but nobody cares that much because when they go home and they're working they are doing other things they're about to fall asleep at night they are not still thinking about you when they are at work and they are going through stresses and they are trying to be productive they are going through issues with their family they are not still thinking about you people have their own lives and yes they will occasionally judge you and project their insecurities on you but
it never matters enough for that moment to last more than five minutes because after that they will forget about you they will move on to worrying about their own life or judging another person so if they're forgetting about it you should too Let It Go the next step is a crucial one Focus so hard on bettering yourself and your life in the process of achieving self-love self-growth and achieving all of your life goals you will have built up so much pride confidence and Independence that your newfound fulfillment will protect you from falling back into your
old and healthy coping mechanisms like people pleasing and seeking validation and this is the way you can stop second guessing yourself in Social settings overthinking about things chasing people you need to invest your time and energy into something useful that will give you a great output in your own life like setting up a business or putting more time into your hobbies or joining a like-minded community of people that's so you have something to put your time energy and emotions into and that way when the smaller stuff comes up like when somebody disapproves of you or
is judging you or talking behind your back you literally won't be able to overreact or spend so much time thinking about it or even being upset about it because you are so preoccupied with how great you've made your life and all of the amazing things you get to do every single day your brain should be too full of your own passion and your mission in life that what anybody else has to say would never affect you because you're too focused on yourself lastly I want to say the fastest way to stop giving an app is
to remember rejection is normal losing people is normal and outgrowing people is normal oh they cut you off or they don't like you or your crush doesn't find you attractive so what that doesn't Define you or your character or your work some people just aren't meant for us or sometimes we just deserve better sometimes we're going after something that we thought we wanted but actually should never have come into our life not everybody's meant for us and also you shouldn't even want everybody to be meant for you it's a good thing that not everybody likes
you that protects you every single human being on this planet even the richest and the most famous and successful are handed their own little bag of rejection and failures and life lessons it is nothing personal that's just life you are going to stop seeking validation by becoming secure in yourself and growing your self-worth and this is gonna come about from you building up your self schema yes that's right I'm bringing psychology up in here so what is self schema self schema is all about your self-image it's about how you define yourself according to your personality
traits your behaviors maybe even your physical traits every single person on this planet has a certain set of beliefs that contributes to their self schema to their self-image you have to do everything in your power to build up a positive self schema so that you are no longer seeking validation from others having a solid self-worth will prevent you from seeking external validation so how do we do this identify your favorite parts of yourself really journey inwards to weaken knowledge how great of a person you are all of these things all of the qualities things that
you've done achievements just who you are as a person that makes you so effing amazing automatically this will start helping you look at yourself in a positive light and then after this you are going to write down all of the negative perceptions you have of yourself once you have a list of your negative self-beliefs you are then going to prove every single one of them wrong and of course I'm going to give you an example so let's bring back Lola and Athena now both Lola and Athena have the same negative self-belief which is that they
are not beautiful they feel very unattractive Lola listens to this negative self-belief so she hides herself away she hides her face in pictures she chases other people because she thinks she's lucky when guys like her because she thinks she's so ugly she doesn't go after certain opportunities because she automatically assumes she'll be rejected from them because she's just not good enough she's just not attractive enough for that she allows her negative self-belief to control her life and the way she sees herself and this ultimately leads to her seeking validation from everyone and thing now Athena
also believes that she's unattractive now we all know this ain't true both of these women gorgeous gorgeous look Athena is that girl okay but Athena has had this negative self schema this negative self-belief for her whole life she just cannot see the beauty in herself but she is sick of placing her worth in the hands of others and she wants to do something about it she is not out on a mission to try and see herself in a different light are much better more secure life so she starts experimenting which haircut suits her face shape
the best which makeup products actually help effectively accentuate the great facial features she already has she treats herself and buys herself a whole new wardrobe because playing with clothes is going to help her start stepping into her confidence and when you do little things like playing around with hair makeup clothes they provide that first step into confidence and over time once you've taken the first step you can build yourself up to eventually feel confidence without having those things without having the best outfit on or having your makeup done and I speak from experience once she's
experimented she's got a new look she's feeling a little bit better about herself she locks herself in a bedroom and she decides to put on a little photo shoot of herself she experiments with different lighting and angles she really learns her face what her favorite features are of her face and body and she has fun with it she experiments she tries on a bunch of different clothes she does some crazy things with her hair she takes a bunch of photos of herself and in doing so she starts to see The beauty within herself Lola Athena
are both stunning in their own different ways the difference is Lola decided to listen to her negative self-belief and decided to live her life according to it Athena wanted to prove that negative self-belief wrong so she put on a photo shoot she tried doing some different things she experimented with her appearance because she was bored with it she didn't like it she thought yes I'll change it up and that's what a did her seeing her appearance in a different light now she feels comfortable when somebody wants to take a picture of her now she started
building up the confidence to wear out her favorite outfits in public and not want to blend into the crowd because she doesn't want to be seen and my last point for this chapter is to look at who you are as your current self and nothing else start looking at yourself as the person you are now start acting like this morning when you woke up that was the first day of your life because I did this a lot for years even at 20 21 years old I was still viewing myself through the lens of who I
was as my 15 year old self who was very awkward and nerdy and insecure and she had a really bad self option she had a bunch of negative self beliefs that like no one would like her boys wouldn't like her she wasn't desirable or attractive so even when I was 20 and I had my little glow up and I'd done a bunch of other things to help grow my confidence I was still looking at myself like I was my awkward 15 year old self but that's not true I have grown I have Newfound wisdom intelligence
Beauty I'm a whole different person that's the beauty of self-growth so the way to start seeing yourself as your current version is every morning you need to wake up like today is the first day of your life and that's gonna help you stop bringing in past rejections mistakes cringy embarrassing moments into your present life it's gonna help you stop defining yourself through your past mistakes through the past versions of yourself who you also need to give forgiveness to because they were who they were and they acted the way they did because they had a certain
level of awareness at that time you have grown since then you do not need to keep looking at yourself through the lens of your pastels because you're not that person anymore you need to ask yourself if I woke up today if today was the first day of my life with the things I have the things I've accomplished and the Newfound wisdom I have at this age who would I be what would I say how would I act what would I do and go into your day like that rather than harboring all of this resentment for
your past selves and your mistakes because when you're still focusing on past negative memories of yourself that is also what is impacting your self schema being negative I'm 22 now this was me 10 years ago at 12 years old look at me you can just see that I'm not confident that I'm not feeling myself imagine that I still viewed myself through that lens I wouldn't even be sitting here recording this video because I would feel so much Shame about myself so not only did I have to go through self-growth to step into a new version
of myself but I had to shed the old version of myself so that I could allow a new perception to come into my life and stick with it and believe it and the last most important chapter how to become your own validation the advice I'm about to give in this chapter will apply to all types of validation but I'm going to be using emotional validation as an example throughout when I I'm explaining everything you are the only person in this universe that truly knows yourself inside and out not your parents not your siblings not your
childhood best friend every single person in your life has a different perception of you your parents See You In a Different Light from your siblings from your best friends from your partner only you know your full life Journey your inner thoughts your inner dialogue and no one else's knowledge of you no matter how long they have known you could ever compare therefore other people could never ever accurately validate you because people's opinions and perceptions of you are based on their own life Journey their own mindset their own upbringing trauma projections their opinions have nothing to
do with you and everything to do with them which means their validation of you isn't even real other people are incapable of validating you because they don't have all the facts the only person that does have all the facts is you which means you are the only person that can value date yourself and this links to emotional validation for example if you're really upset you're going through it something is happening you're explaining someone why you're upset and what this situation is and their response to you is that you're overreacting you should get just get over
it or be positive it's not that big of a deal other people have it worse off like I'm sorry are you going through the same thoughts emotions and internal dialogue as me right now no right so shut up so you see other people's brains and emotions aren't wired in the same way as ours so what affects us might not affect them in the same way that doesn't make our emotions any less valid they might have a completely different approach to the situation based on their own upbringing and mindset in comparison to US therefore that does
not put them in a valid position to validate you and what you should do you need to do what's right for you and only you can be the true judge of that other people's opinions of you does not lessen how bad your situation is if it hurts your pain is valid if it's affecting your emotions and making you feel weird if you are feeling affected by it your pain is valid you do not need someone else to validate your allowance to express your negative emotions whether that be sadness anger whatever this is why self-validation is
so important and this is how you do it I want you to take a break from calling someone going to a family member or friend immediately after you feel triggered or angered by someone or you're upset about something because when that's your first course of action that's you seeking validation for the way you're feeling from other people it is absolutely okay to go to family and friends for help but sometimes try and be there for yourself so when you take this break from running to somebody else for help you're gonna start practicing dealing with and
accepting your own emotions and then you're going to either journal or video I personally video now everybody knows the great importance of writing down your feelings journaling all of that I'm a big big advocate for that personally what I've started to do is hit record when I'm feeling sad I literally get my phone out record a video even if I'm like crying I'm super angry my emotions are very high instead of calling somebody I'll press record and I'll just talk to myself in this camera as if I'm having a conversation with somebody and I can
be completely authentic and unfiltered and walk along for as long as I can because I'm actually in private and instantly the weight of that bad situation has been relieved because I've released it I've said it out loud that's allowed me to process it plus having this fall on conversation with yourself will also allow you to understand yourself and the situation and your emotions much better once I've recorded this video I'm very aware of how I'm feeling maybe my emotions are still a little bit High I'm gonna think about what I would wish somebody else would
say to me if I was to call up a family member or friend and tell them what was going on in this situation what would I hope to hear from them and then whatever I would hope to hear I'm gonna say that back to myself because that is what I deserve whatever validation you're seeking from somebody else whatever sentence you wish they would say to you say it to yourself it's as easy as that you know so I see you I accept you it makes sense why you're upset about this thing you are not overreacting
you are not a bad person for feeling this way you are human it is okay to also go through the negative spectrum of emotions you are fully in your right to feel upset about this or be a bit off moody or down you did not deserve that treatment from that person I'm here for you we'll get through this we'll resolve this issue it will be better but for now if you need to feel your feelings and be angry cry get it out of your system that is completely okay and you are in within your right
to do that in fact that is a very healthy expression of your emotions to be able to deal and process with the situation and then move on from it sometimes it's hard for us to empathize with ourselves so if you're going through that maybe you're beating yourself up about responding to a certain situation in the way that you did act like your friend actually went through that better yet look at yourself through the lens of your inner child instantly you will have so much more compassion for yourself and you'll treat your self with much more
kindness which is the key to validating yourself being not for yourself and stop placing your worth and expectations in the hands of others you can just be there for yourself and that be enough without seeking the approval of everybody else and that brings us to the end of this video I hope you guys enjoyed this video and learn something new if you did and it helped you out make sure you comment down below and like this video And subscribe because I'm just churning out videos on YouTube right now and I'm loving it make sure you
check out the description because it has all of my Social Links and don't forget to follow me on Instagram which is linked in the description where I post on my stories little question boxes so you can have your say on what you want me to talk about in my weekly videos so I'll see you in the next one thank you so much for watching and being here I appreciate you bye [Music] lay down [Music]
