How to Worship like an Ancient Egyptian

this video is sponsored by Total War Pharaoh buy it if you love me ah youth it's a Time many of us look back at fondle jumping in Moon shoes to break new heights and danles getting expired gumballs at a strip mall Mexican restaurant questioning the Fabrics of existence in the thin veil that separates that of reality in the surrealistic void of primordial despair while watching Courage the Cowardly Dog wow good times but ironically it's these very youngsters who are currently enjoying the responsibility free era of Youth who are often the most eager to be rid

of it but until they can enter The Adult World they tend to seek some kind of identity to latch on to many choose to be jocks too many choose to be horse girls and some of us find themselves with an addiction to fiction ancient Egyptian religion such as our good friend Alex here what I'm not into Egyptian mythology oops that's not your line right uh CH willikers do I love me some Egyptian deities that you do Alex but even an egypto Maniac like you can have gaps in your Pantheon knowledge So today we're going to

cover some of the more zany aspects of Egyptian mythology while also teaching you in the modern era how to worship like an ancient [Music] Egyptian now Alex before we get started we're just going to need one blood sacrifice what is that see people Alex here to invade the Egyptian lands but I thought the water tribe was a peaceful folk while I appreciate you helping me hit my quota for pop culture references Alex I'm talking about the sea peoples who brought about the Bronze Age collapse in the destruction of the old Powers it remains a mystery

to historians as to what the nationality of these fabled Warriors was oh no way what who are they no time they're heading this way luckily I've got a few thousand slave volunteer Fighters ready to defend them off okay Alex you'll need to command them hammer and Anvil you got this what are you talking about okay don't worry Alex we can make you into a brilliant bronze age General with Total War Pharaoh the total war franchise is taking us to Egypt in Total War Pharaoh the bestest and bronzes Bronze Age strategy game the date if you've

ever touched a gaming PC or been on a history subreddit chances are you've heard of the total war games they combine turn-based strategy real-time battle Maneuvers and sick little stabby animations to deliver one of the most addicting experiences that resulted in this video being a week late with eight playable factions across three cultures Total War Pharaoh brings this formula to life in one of the coolest eras in recorded time I've been playing it myself and with elements like armor degradation Dynamic weather and unit stance options there are so many ways to approach the customizable sandbox

campaign that you'll never get bored surviving the collapse of the Bronze Age I love these games so much and to prove it this is my live reaction to getting the email from creative assembly about sponsoring this game but don't just take my word for it come see it for yourself I'm streaming the game live on my second Channel as this video gets posted so use my special blue jay Link in the description to get Total War Pharaoh today and to let the folks at creative assembly no I sent you but for now back to religion

the roots of Egyptian mythology can be traced all the way back into pre history meaning before our moist sacks of folded tissue we call a brain figured out how to rub a stick on the wall with all that time you can really imagine the amount of layers the Egyptians were able to pack into their religion so they didn't just have one boring God but a plethora of them Jesus Christ not in this video buddy and those were just the major Gods that's not even take into account the minor ones or the more minor ones or

the Among Us one now perhaps the first question on your mind is how could some dude on the internet without a formal degree in the fields of Mythology the ology or even anthropology be qualified and able to accurately simplify a religion that existed for over 3,500 years and contains over 2,000 deities let's start off with something simple like the creation of the entire universe we're all familiar with the abrahamic version of events where in the beginning there is pretty much just nothing until God decided to plaster up some LEDs ancient Egyptians on the other hand

had a few different creation stories Each of which I consider to be a bit more flavorful as one story goes in the beginning there was nothing but a chaotic primordial Cosmic ocean until a pyramid called Benben emerged from the abyss with a lotus flower that blossomed into the sun god raw which sounds like something out of a king gizzard music video and also undoubtedly terrified any space turtles that happen to be in the area hey Nigel how was Leah's first day of Abyssal School n she was a little nervous getting on the celestial bus but

she powered through like a champ Little Rascal's still down there now but I'm sure she's having a great time now while being the first and only thing in the universe is cool and all it also really limited the amount of stuff there was to do but hey this is a God after all so if anyone can find a way to keep themselves entertained it's him well time to go beat the bishop and from his uh wow you're not going to make this episode easy are you through making the bald man cry the twins Shu and

tefnut were born after this Ross started to cry which I'm sure many of you gents can relate to and Humanity was created from his sweat and tears and thank God the fluid stopped there teut and Shu then had Offspring themselves and with who you might ask well right now we're up to three existing things and one of them tends to be preoccupied in his room so do the math they gave birth to the god of the earth GB which was one letter off from making my day in the sky goddess nut whose name really foreshadows

the theme of Egyptian mythology these two siblings then had kids with who again do the math now we're really starting to rack up a big list of major deities with a shocking amount of shared genetics that would bring a tear to any British Monarch's eye but hey now you're a teenager with an obsession that means you've got to be quirky and different and knowing just the most well-known aspects of Egyptian mythology won't cut it when you try to flex on online forums so let's do a little speedrun on some of the major gods and how

to worship them so we can get to the fun stuff at the top we have the eer mentioned raw but depending on the place and time he could be named Ray or kepri or a Tom or a moon or if you place a fusion card a moon raah or a tum raw are they the same God yes but are they different gods yes what questions are for the week Alex just smile and build some triangles despite what you think this dude dripped out with a feather is not Johnny Depp but in fact Shu the god

of lights and warm air he was responsible for holding up the entire sky so Egyptians thought clouds were his bones whereas today we now know they're actually Chemtrails he was worship through stuff like prayers and hymns but since the bar is just hot air and cool feathers you can just go to Burning Man teut is the goddess of moisture which is just a weird way to put it she's interesting because her name could be ottoman AIA for the sound of spitting with the translation itself potentially just being she who spits disgusting punish the blasphemer the

Egyptians weren't even subtle about it either in some temples her name could be found written on the walls as just a pair of spitting lips as such you already an intently worship her today when you use any of these emojis or when you Rage Quit a Call of Duty match for as the ancient Proverbs go spitters are quitters GB god of the Earth was a real chill dude and was often just depicted lounging around looks like he's got himself a little romance going on who's that his sister Alex did you really have to ask anyway

it was said that earthquakes were caused by the tremendous power evoked by gb's laughter hello heliopoulos how we doing tonight wow what a crowd what a crowd we even got some Greeks here crazy you guys found the time between naming every city after your teenage King let's see uh oh what's up man what's the problem hey GB what are you doing here heard your funny man came for the jokes let's hear one uh are you sure are you sure you want crops this year sit down okay okay uh so there are some who say there

aren't any crocodiles in Egypt but I think they're in denial not help like the river oh that was good that was good well if you'll excuse me I got to go catch a show in Fukushima set was the god of chaos and had the body of a man in the head of some animal that no one's been able to figure out it's called the set animal and theories range from dogs to arvar to even giraffes and pigs which no he was jealous of his brother Osiris who were the big boy sandals as ruler of Egypt

so in his natural bad boy chaotic fashion he put together a little ruse for his brother hey Osiris buddy come here come here come here come here come here come here listen man listen man we've been having this contest I'll tell him I'll tell him we've been having this contest to see if anyone can fit into this super cool coffin and so far no one's been able to win dude no one's been able to win but I'm saying I'm saying my boy Osiris here he knows how to V things real good I know about you

and my sister but anyway anyway why don't you give it a shot man I know you can do it sent trick Osiris at a party and trapped him in a coffin threw it in the Nile and returned days later in a rage to cut up his dead body into a a bunch of little pieces and spread them throughout Egypt and then he became the king hey guys so Osiris is feeling a little under the weather so I'm going to be fair now oh but I I guess he'll be back soon then Hey listen there's this

super cool coffin Isis was the goddess of magic and sister wife of Osiris after set cut up her boy toy she figured it probably wasn't good PR to have her King husband's body parts scattered across the country like some morbid game of geoc Catcher so she set off to the pieces after a traumatizing and quite literal scavenger hunt she was able to find every piece except for one can you guess what it was Alex H assuming from The Love Theme his heart no this is Egyptian mythology not Shakespeare she was missing his the Divine member

had been swallowed by a fish probably turning it into a Kaiju so she whipped up a magic one so that she can conceive their future son Horus and I'd just like to point out that before we've had a single non- incestuous relationship we're already throwing in fourth base with dead brother too weird for you well in another version Isis breathes life into his body so she can get Knocked Up in bird form confused how that works not to worry they left us a picture for reference and while you could I wouldn't recommend worshiping her today

as joining something called The Cult of Isis which send a very different message these days in the beginning Osiris became the first pharaoh of Egypt to give Humanity Direction and guidance after noticing how uncivilized they were honey have you seen Humanity lately n ah they're just having fun no not them them Scarab so good gang gang gang gang yes my Pharaoh yes my after his little dismember Adventure he became the god of the dead and ruled over the underworld which they called datat Egyptians believed datat to be in the west where the sun set which

means contrary to popular belief they most likely were the first civilization to discover the Americas otherwise I have no idea how they knew where New Jersey was one way Osiris was woried was through a yearly public play telling the story of his death where reenactors quote beat their breasts and gash their shoulders until the mutilated remains of the God had been found and rejoined wow screams of Despair and beating yourself up isn't that why you're going to therapy Alex looks like you've got this one taken care of Buddy Horus is a falcon God symbol of

divine kingship and an S tier smash character one of the most important Egyptian gods he's famous for his contendings with set to reclaim the throne taken from his father a lot of wild and insane Shenanigans took place over this 80-year period of conflict but one contest definitely stands out and to tell this story without getting my video removed we're going to have to enter the euphemism Coliseum let's say both SE and horse each had long ships containing men of the sea sea men if you will one night set wanted to assert dominance over Horus so

he attempted to seduce his nephew and docked his ship at horus's Port sending his C men into horus's territory Horus however had a closed border policy so he caught these sea men in his hand and threw them into the Nile after this he went to his mom Isis who helped him coax his own sea men out of his ship so he could sneak the little guys into some lettuce that set then ate both set and horse then went to the gods who heard set's claim of dominating Horus by invading him with his sea men but

when he tried to summon them they answered from the Nile Horus then claimed his dominance over set by tricking him into eating his covert sea men and when he summoned them they answered from inside set proving that Horus had dominated his uncle yes Horus was woried in many ways but to keep it simple just make sure the next time you're eating a salad to give an extra squirt of ranch in honor of our Egyptian top G Anubis the God's goodest boy was the jackal-headed god of mummification in the dead like any good perer Anubis guided

souls to the afterlife and the Hall of Truth The Soul would then recite the negative confessions where it swore had not committed certain sins before weighing its heart on a scale against the feather of Truth have you sinned against men I have not have you oppressed kins folk I have not have you spent over $100 on Destiny 2 DLC I well only if you account for inflation wait wait wait wait if they passed they enjoyed eternal life in the field of reads but if not their heart was thrown on the floor and eaten by the

crocodile headed goddess Amit the Devourer of the Dead erasing their soul from existence in honor of Anubis it was common for priests to wear Jacko masks during funeral proceedings and mummification okay let's get this show on the road oh like a nubis right uh but do you know what you're doing don't worry I do this all the time okay let's get this hard out what are you it's tradition but while mumification are a little hard to come by today don't you worry Alex there are whole conventions dedicated to this kind of worship these days okay

this is getting long let's see who else we got here uh nephus was the sister wife of set and goddess of healing and protection but also death and Decay just to keep you on your toes you could hire professional mourners to played a part of her and her sister Isis to hysterically cry and scream at your funeral so it seems like someone loved you in your life even if we both know that's not true there's th the IIs headed God of you might want to get comfortable the moon wisdom knowledge writing hieroglyphics science magic Art

and judgment who is also credited with creating art writing the calendar and controlling space and time being a god with his fingers in more affairs than Black Rock he was very respected by the Egyptians who honored the God by sacrificing and mummifying ibises by the millions there's the moon God konu he appears in something called the cannibal hymn which is metal as hell but for more just go watch moonnight SEK met a solar deity almost killed all of humanity until she got too drunk drinking red colored beer that she mistook for some nice refreshing blood

as one does bastet is a cat goddess in the calm version of seket whose worship provided the means for the first recorded instance of psychological warfare which I covered in this video here so those were some major Gods how you holding up Alex to take the fur suit and the ranch with the Burning Man tickets Please can you cry at my wedding funeral funeral yes wait do you eat my heart looks like you've got this down pretty all right buddy let's move on to some of the Lesser known Rascals wait wait ancient Egyptians followed what

I like to call the 34th code of the Ancients or rule 34 for short if it exists there's a God for fabrics and clothing step aside Zara the 26th day of the month sure it my ex-wife they've got her covered because of this abundance no matter the problem the Egyptians had a God to turn to including the ones of the bedroom variety wh why are you staring at me before our gods of today pharmaceutical companies blessed us with the blue pill men and also women experiencing fertility problems in the good old days often turned to

religion for guidance and apparently for the ancient Egyptians nothing really screamed healthy sex life like a grotesque C crouching dwarf meet Bess a demon god of sexuality fertility childbirth humor protection and War quite the resume unlike almost all other Egyptian gods best was shown face on and was depicted as a short and chubby little dwarf man with the face of a gargoyle a lion's man in a tongue that's always sticking out either because he just did the one chip challenge or because the gods are just so inbred at this point that it's a miracle he

even has one in the first place being just the beacon of beauty that he was people would spend the night in incubation Chambers with naked images is the best in his goddess counterpart best set plastered on the walls to cure their fertility problems hey man do you ever have problems getting a you know say no more my friend I've got just the room for getting in the mood so to speak oh really yeah dude the walls are just plastered with images among other stuff e but I guess that's what I'm looking to be able to

do so okay sign me up how's it going in there buddy I don't know it's not really doing it for me are you sure this is the right room yeah dude it works like a charm on me here let me show you wait wait wait no no no no best stood for all things good and it was believed that if a child was laughing for seemingly no reason it was because best was nearby making funny faces kind of sweet until you remember Bess runs around displaying his gargantuan genitals like a hobbit crackhead from Venice Beach

so Alex if you want to keep the spirit of Bess alive today you can always smile at kids from the bushes of your local playground no what is that oh that's Aon a sar Dy treat is a sundisk why does it have hands why do you have hands that was kind of rude Alex now look what you've done say you're sorry I'm sorry auton now say he's a very cool Sun God you're a very cool Sun God now declare him the one true God and renounce your worship of all other false Idols you're the one

true wait what aon's biggest claim to fame came during the reign of ainon who thought the sundisk was such a dope God that he figured why bother worshiping all these other wannabes so he put forth a decree that ban the worship of any God besides our little disc friend and even when as far as building an entire New Capital completely dedicated to the worship of Aon what in sundisk name is this wait aot and I can explain I'm sorry what part of one God did you not understand Bak it's just I've been I I've been

having problems lately you should have come to me Bak we don't need this Pagan garbage the worship of vaon is the light that shines upon all paths towards restoration how's it going in the there buddy I don't know it's not really doing it for me it's all about the hands dude here let me show you not again Scholars argue that this autonism was the first recorded instance of monotheism in history with sigment for it himself even claiming autonism influenced the founding of Judaism I can make an entire video on this guy but in short it

turns out telling a deeply traditional group of people to drastically alter their identity car from thousands of years of Customs is a challenge that not even a god king can easily pull off and it offended the Egyptian people so much that after aon's death they attempted to erase any trace of his name and family from history at first you probably don't bat an eye at this what with the CCP and Soviet Union having practiced people erasing all the time but keep in mind the Egyptians believe the soul was made up of several parts one of

which was called Ren or a person's name they believed that so long as a person's name was written down or remembered it would help preserve their existence in the afterlife so by striking any mention of a from history not only were they trying to forget such a crazy attempt to reform culture but they were trying to destroy a literal piece of his soul speaking of the soulless Pharaohs were not just a part of the Egyptian Elite but were themselves considered gods in Egyptian mythology because of this they tried to live up to the theme of

their Divine connection theme you don't mean that's right Alex Egyptian pharaohs were often inbred to emulate the gods as well as to maintain their sacred bloodline it's all set ready for your marriage ceremony sire what's he thinking there's no use guessing his Divine omnipotence is beyond our comprehension does this yes he approves of us but what if you're not a pharaoh and just your typical Average Joe well Alex along with all the aforementioned forms of worship there are a plethora of intricate traditions and Customs that one could follow but since I'm on page 11 of

the script for the sake of time just make sure you've got a bunch of amulets on you for every occasion hey boys do you have a few minutes to talk about serving your country in the Marines Egyptian mythology hilariously wacky but a little too Game of Thrones inspired n out of 10 [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Stars