How to Be Kinder to Ourselves

if there is one generalization we can hazard of those who end up mentally unwell we could say that they are masters at being very nasty to themselves without noticing they are even being so release from the grip of self-loathing therefore has to start with a growing awareness of what we are doing to ourselves and what the alternatives might be for example we might start to notice that no sooner has something nice happened to us that we set about wondering when something awful will strike in revenge that every success has to be ruined by a feeling

of foreboding and guilt that every potentially pleasant day ends up marred by panic or a sense of loss and that we spontaneously imagine that everyone must hate us and that the worst things are being said about us the moment we leave any room none of this looks on the surface like self-hatred we could just say that we have a worried mind or a regretful temperament but it is useful to group these ideas under a singular title in order to fully identify the direction in which they point towards the systematic destruction of any pleasure in being

ourselves which is when we think about it a very nasty thing indeed to do to someone without realizing it we are committed to throttling all of our chances at contentment at the earliest possible opportunity we might imagine as an experiment trying to be as kind as possible towards our own minds rather than dragging in every last deformed and mean idea into the theater of consciousness we could dare to be vigilant about only presenting our minds with the very kindest and most reassuring ideas the moment we left a room we might be ruthless in preventing thoughts

about our unacceptability from manifesting themselves in the usual way they might be begging to be let in and claiming all sorts of reasons why they should be so but for once we could give them a firm no if they kept trying to make their way into our minds we might put on a piece of music or do some gardening anything other than allow destructive concepts to have their normal rule over us where does this unconscious impulse to be unkind to ourselves come from how is the choice to torture ourselves made we can hazard another generalization

the way we treat ourselves is an internalization of the way others once treated us either directly in the sense of how they spoke to us or indirectly in the sense of how they behaved around us which could have included ignoring us or openly displaying a preference for someone else to get a measure of where we stand on the spectrum of self-love we need only ask ourselves a very simple question that we have nevertheless ignored for far too long how much do i like myself if the answer immediately and intuitively comes back that we feel loathsome

there is a history that we urgently need to consider and are conveniently for our self-torturing minds choosing to ignore the contempt we habitually show ourselves is in neither way fair nor right we should spot the oddity and partiality of treating ourselves with a viciousness we wouldn't accord to our worst enemies people who commit suicide aren't those for whom a few things have gone very wrong they are people who have encountered some otherwise survivable reversals against a background of fierce self-hatred it is the self-hatred that will end up killing them not the apparent subjects of their

panic and sorrow as ever salvation comes through self-awareness there is nothing inevitable about self-hatred we are treating ourselves unkindly because people were in the past not especially kind to us and we are being touchingly yet dangerously loyal to their philosophies of derision but if we are to stay alive we need radically to redraw our moral code and return to kindness the prestige that it should always have had we have learnt far too much about a lack of mercy about panic about self-suspicion and finding oneself pitiful now we need to rediscover the virtues of forgiveness mercy

calm and gentleness and when we panic and feel intensely anxious about the future we need to remember that we are in essence worrying about our fundamental legitimacy and lovability our survival depends on a swift mastery of the art of self-compassion our online shop has a range of books and gifts that address the most important and often neglected areas of life click now to learn more