Taking my power back

hi my name is liz and i am the author and designer of the journal the wizard list guide to inner healing this is a journal i started creating six months ago and this is a journal that is very very close to my heart um as maybe many of you know i am a person that is dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder and i started my healing journey for my traumas about six months ago now when i started the journey what i initially thought was that you know i just have to do therapy and that's it and

i'll get fixed um but that was not the case and to be honest i did not even know that i was traumatized i just thought that whatever it doesn't matter because when you are living in a situation where daily abuse is happening where you're being mentally and physically abused daily you're not thinking oh i'm traumatized the only thing you are thinking is i have to survive the day and i have to make sure i get through this day it really hit me when my abuser left the house i was i think 19 or 18 years

old when the person left and then i really realized that oh wow something is really wrong with me because the way that i would deal with my friendships the way that that i would deal in relationships it was not normal at all and i could see that there is a serious problem now then when i really even moved countries and got out of the whole house and everything i could clearly look at it and be like wow i literally went through so much stuff that i did not deserve and i'm just even till today i'm

just like wow liz you're so strong and and i really really am i just never realized how how i was in such survival mode um let me tell you guys why this is such something that's very close to my heart um so like i said i have dealt with extreme childhood abuse and in my teenage years as well and i am not talking about um a spank here or spaying there no no i i'm talking about like uh several times i've uh i've come very close to um not being alive anymore um there was you

know you know why why this is so hard for me to talk about because first of all i'm a very private person and i do not like it when people perceive me as weak and me talking about um talking about uh very traumatic events um makes me feel weak i don't want pity i don't want people to be like oh this i'm so sorry for you i don't want that i want people to look at me and be like wow you know like you're strong you you really survived something um but i somewhere i think

because i have this platform and i talked with my mom about this and my mom was like list your whole platform the reason that you created this platform was to be a voice for the voiceless and so all these people that dm you about your abusive households that don't know how to get out and all these things and you want to keep quiet when they don't have a voice and you do you have a platform you can share your story and you can become you know like a sort of strength for them um but i

think that's all easier said than done because me sitting right here i don't want to say anything i don't want to tell you guys anything because this is so um i don't know you know like i've always wondered like how can a person be so cruel to a child i don't get it like why i've always wondered that and six months ago i was very angry and upset because i kept having nightmares about one of like i have specific things because my childhood is very black for me i don't remember anything from my childhood anymore

i remember that i would i could i would get beaten daily um like i would get yelled at i was always terrified to come home um [Music] i remember having my school forcing psychiatrists on me every week there would be a psychiatrist coming because obviously they saw the bruises i would not talk because if there's anything that i was more ashamed of or than then he was talking about what happened to me because i was embarrassed um and i i just thought i need to keep the secret because my abuser told me that otherwise he

would take my life and that was yeah that was also you know and i wondered so long like i was so angry at first because i was like how could you do that to a child and how could you like you know like guys i'm talking like i would like i have stitches on on my on my the back of my head and stuff from um yeah from severe injuries to my head i always wondered like how far does it have to go before somebody notices like a doctor or my school knew but i would

not tell anything so they couldn't really do anything um but you know when the ambulance took me how many times before they realized that i did not like run into a door how many times before they realized there's something wrong but i think when when when you are not talking about it when you are not communicating um what's happening they can't really do anything because even if somebody intervened i would much rather live in a household like that then go into foster care because that's all i knew i literally the abuse was was familiar to

me and that's all i knew i yeah also like it was always like really unprovoked if i could tell you like the devil in human form this person was the devil in human form uh and it was not only me that god abused like everyone that i loved god abused and i think you as a child seeing that injustice happening to your family but you're feeling so powerless because you cannot do anything to help them that really hurts your soul and then when i got older i became this whole control freak like i needed to

control everyone around me and every single thing because in my childhood i had no control at all i remember like even in my teenage years like come on like i would go to work right um and i would come home from work and um this person would beat me up because i stayed an hour later at work but obviously i needed the job because i needed the money and then my employers would get mad at me when i wanted to leave earlier because they they were like you don't want to work no i wanted to

work but i was scared to death to go home because there's somebody literally waiting to beat me up because i was an hour later and just when i was younger um i saw injustice happening to my mom i would constantly defend my mom against this person and my mom told me this is where the hate started from this person towards me because i would defend my mom but i i just i just you know i i've had this urge to protect my mom because i love my mom so much and she has been through the

worst and i don't think she deserved any of that and me as a child seeing that that really hurts me i remember every time she would leave the house um she would leave then i would leave with her i would just sit on a bench somewhere outside with her just next to her so make sure she's okay um if i'm telling you that i saw horrific things that not only happened to my loved ones about horrific things that happened to me like i'm not exaggerating at all i just i can't talk about it i really

am trying and i can't i started my healing journey six months ago and and i i found this love and journaling i i found this love and and writing down my emotions because i could really feel that in that way i can connect to my inner self to my inner child to really understand what i'm feeling and to be honest this helped more than therapy and anything but i would go to bookstores i would go to shops and i would look for that journal that had questions about your inner child that had questions that where

you could really connect to yourself and i could not find that journal so i decided six months ago you know what i am gonna create that journal i'm gonna make sure that i put the questions that where people can really connect to what happened to their childhood what they were like as a child who the person was that hurt them um and i really far formulated these questions so well that uh i 100 think that if anyone is dealing with uh childhood trauma with even abuse till this day i honestly truly think that the journal

can really help because i even wrote myself in this journal and it really brought up some emotions but i felt so much lighter after writing it down it has inner child affirmations it has a different practices you can do to connect your inner child and it has beautiful questions so yeah my journal is available on amazon i will link the journal in bio i have this one question in my journal that says if you could say anything to the person that hurt you the most what would you say and when i was writing in the

journal i wrote it all down and i am going to read that to you guys so the question is if you could tell the person who hurt you the most everything you wanted to say what would you say i wonder if you care i wonder if you know what you did and how much it affected me six months ago when i was creating this journal i was thinking about all the things i would write down i would tell you exactly where you traumatized me the most things from the young age of 3 till 18 that

i remember vividly things that i've never expected to haunt me and have nightmares about in my early 20s and now it never just goes away i could not pray it away no amount of therapy made it go away and every time i tried to ignore it it would show up in my relationships friendships and the way i treated myself i learned that i have to accept it but not be a victim of my circumstances six months ago is also when i started my healing journey and today i can proudly say that i genuinely don't care

about you all the years of daily physical an emotional abuse and i can proudly say you did not break me six months ago i wanted to expose every cruel and inhumane thing you did to me today i realize it's not my place to expose your sins and if i'm being really honest i pity you you had the same childhood as me filled with immense abuse you never got to experience what love is but see that's not an excuse because of you i never got to experience what love is yet here i am acknowledging my flaws

reading the books going to therapy and journaling isn't it ironic that i grew up to become the person that i think you need the most i remember from an early age trying to understand why i was not lovable or even worthy of being treated as a human being but i also understood from an early age that i would never get the answers to those questions and i'm okay with that now i really try to understand you but everyone has a breaking point i'm sorry your parents didn't love you but i didn't do that to you

i'm sorry you went through the exact same mental and physical abuse you put me through but i didn't do that to you i'm sorry you grew up to be a cruel person filled with hate in your heart but i didn't do that to you when a parent fails to love a child the child does not stop loving the parent the child stops loving itself after years of hating my face hating my body thinking i'm not smart i should be more serious and nobody will ever love me because you told me so i can confirm that

that statement is true if there was any self-love or confidence i was born with you definitely took that from me i had to completely learn how to be confident how to deal with my anxiety and depression how to love myself and how to function in society i had to re-parent myself but one thing you did not and will not take from me is my strength and no i am not strong because of what you did to me i am strong despite of what you did to me all the love i was supposed to be given

i give myself today and i created a platform where i inspire others to do the same you will find it shocking to see how many people do think that i am worthy lovable and smart i get daily messages from strangers filled with immense love and gratitude it wasn't that hard was it one thing i am grateful for is you showed me exactly what not to do i will continue to do the work and fix every part of me that you try to break and one day when i am ready and decide to have a child

i will make sure that my child knows what pure love is that physical violence is not needed to get my point across and that is okay to communicate instead of yell hit or even worse this cycle ends with me all the things you took from me i will give my children and myself twice as much i'm not angry nor am i sad i have no feelings towards you my main focus is giving myself all the love i know i deserve and you i will let god deal with you but i promise you one thing this

space that you would abuse daily until it was black and blue this face that you could not stand to look at i will make sure that you see this face on every screen you look at i promise you that mark this day as the day i took my power back guys thank you so much for being so patient with me i promise to upload more regularly right now because honestly i don't have i feel indifferent completely i don't care about this person anymore and really honestly journaling really helped me this honestly truly did help me

to write my feelings down to just get everything off my chest that i cannot say out loud i can just write it down um so yeah just thank you for being patient with me um thank you for understanding me and thank you for the immense love i get from you guys i feel hurt i feel valued and for that only i can't thank you guys enough because i feel like you guys gave me my life back so thank you so much and i will continue to make each and every one of you proud i just

hope that we can heal together i hope that we can grow together and i think that if we do the work we'll all get there thank you so much i love you guys