Meanwhile... Heinz's Ketchup Packet Roller Solved One Of The World's Trickiest Problems

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile... Condiment giant Heinz is making the world a better place with a handy invention we didn't know we needed. #Colbert #Comedy #Meanwhile Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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Video Transcript:

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ BA-DA-BA-DA. WHAT IS THAT SONG, JON. >> Jon: "TOWNSHIP." >> Stephen: IS THAT ORIGINAL? >> Jon: YES, INSPIRED BY THE SOWETO NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE MANDELA GREW UP. I GOT TO VISIT AND I WAS INSPIRED TO WRITE THAT. >> Stephen: THAT'S ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS BEAUTIFUL, JON, IS MY GUEST TONIGHT, MICHAEL KEATON. THE GREAT. >> Jon: BATMAN. >> Stephen: IS THAT THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF? THE FIRST THING I THINK OF IS BATMAN. I BOUGHT THEV HS CASSETTE. I WAS IN ELEMENTARY, MIDDLE SCHOOL, SOMEWHERE AROUND THERE. I BOUGHT THE CASSETTE AND I WATCHED THAT MAYBE EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR SEVERAL MONTHS. >> Stephen: GOTTA SAY, STILL VERY HARD TO BEAT. >> Jon: I STILL -- >> Stephen: STILL THE STANDARD. >> Jon: YEAH. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, RAISING THE FINEST HOLSTEIN NEWS CATTLE, FIRMLY, YET TENDERLY, MILKING THE LATEST HEADLINES FROM THEIR JOKE-SWOLLEN TEATS, CHURNING THE DAILY STORIES INTO THE DECADENT, PROVENCAL-STYLE TRIPLE CREME BRIE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I STAGGER HOME HUNGRY AFTER BEING RELEASED BY THE POLICE, ROOT AROUND IN THE NEIGHBOR'S TRASH CAN FOR AN OLD MILK CARTON, SCRAPE OUT THE BLOOMING DAIRY RESIDUE ONTO THE REMAINS OF A WET CHEESE RIND I WON FROM A RAT IN A PRE-DAWN STREET FIGHT, PUT IT IN A DISCARDED PAINT CAN, AND LEAVE IT TO FERMENT NEXT TO A TRASH FIRE, THEN HUNKER DOWN AND HALLUCINATE WHILE EATING THE LISTERIA-LADEN DEMON CUSTARD OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: ♪ ♪ ♪ >> MEANWHILE! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).</i> >> Stephen: DRIVE THAT TRAIN! THIS IS THE TRAIN. I WANT YOU ON THE TRAIN, OFF THE TRAIN, MEANWHILE, IT'S THE TRAIN WE'RE GETTING ON. MEANWHILE, THERE ARE A LOT OF PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD, BUT KETCHUP IS NO LONGER ONE OF THEM, BECAUSE CONDIMENT GIANT HEINZ HAS LAUNCHED A NEW KETCHUP BOTTLE-SHAPED GADGET THAT ALLOWS USERS TO SQUEEZE THE MOST OUT OF A CONDIMENT PACKET. MY GOD, THEY'VE DONE IT! THEY'VE INVENTED FINGERS. WELL, THAT IS STUPID. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> MEANWHILE, GET A LOAD OF THIS RASCAL. HE'S DANISH ARTIST JENS HAANING. AND HE'S GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT, BECAUSE A DANISH MUSEUM GAVE HIM AN $84,000 COMMISSION FOR HIS WORK. THEN HE KEPT THE CASH AND NAMED THE ART "TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN," TELLING THE PRESS, "THE WORK IS THAT I HAVE TAKEN THEIR MONEY." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> OH, VAN GOGH HE DI-IN'T! ART CRITICS CAN LOOK FORWARD TO HAANING'S NEXT PIECE, ENTITLED, "THE WORK IS THAT I SLEPT WITH YOUR WIFE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> MEANWHILE, ROME IS BEING OVERRUN BY TRASH-LOVING WILD BOARS. AMERICAN TOURISTS ARE BACK, BABY! <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> NO? IS THAT NOT IT? THAT'S NOT-- THAT'S NOT IT. THAT'S NOT IT. I'M BEING TOLD THAT'S NOT IT. APPARENTLY, THE ETERNAL CITY IS FULL OF PACKS OF 10 TO 30 BEASTS INVADING IN SEARCH OF FOOD IN ROMBAUER'S NOTORIOUSLY OVERFLOWING RUBBISH BINS. SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF WORK. IN AMERICA, YOU CAN EAT ALL THE ITALIAN TRASH YOU WANT BY GOING TO PAPA JOHN'S. <i> ( LAUGHTER ).</i> >> Jon: OOO-WOOO! >> Stephen: YEAH! YEAH! I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE! THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO. I DID NOT GO THERE. MEANWHILE, POPEYES WILL OPEN A FLAGSHIP RESTAURANT IN LONDON. AND ACCORDING TO A SPOKESPERSON, THERE WILL BE NO CONCESSIONS OR CHANGES TO THE U.K. MARKET ON THE MENU. OKAY, ENGLAND? YOU'VE BEEN FOREWARNED. OUR FOOD IS DIPPED IN CONCRETE, DEEP FAT FRIED, AND DOUSED WITH ENOUGH SALT AND SPICES TO DROP A CHARGING RHINO. THAT'S GOING TO FEEL LIKE A LOT OF FLAVOR IF YOU'RE USED TO GETTING YOUR CHICKEN FROM "SIR BLANDINGTON'S PLAIN BOILED FOWL SPORTING CLUB. GUARANTEED DAMP"! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> MEANWHILE, CLINT EASTWOOD HAS WON A $6.1 MILLION DOLLAR LAWSUIT AGAINST A COMPANY FOR FALSELY CLAIMING THAT HE ENDORSED C.B.D. SUPPLEMENTS. LOOK HOW ECSTATIC HE IS AT THE RULING. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> IF YOU SQUINT REAL HARD, YOU CAN SEE A TINY SMILE. AND IF YOU SQUINT EVEN HARDER THAN THAT, YOU ARE POBABLY CLINT EASTWOOD. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> MEANWHILE, IN JAPAN, AN AQUARIUM HAS FOUND A CREATURE THAT LOOKS LIKE A PIECE OF SALMON SUSHI. BIT OF A DARWINIAN MISFIRE THERE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EVOLVE TO NOT LOOK DELICIOUS. THAT'S LIKE IF A DEER TRIED TO HIDE FROM HUNTERS USING MEAT COUNTER CAMOUFLAGE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHAEL KEATON. ♪ ♪ ♪<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>

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