do you want to be loved or do you want to be yourself?

if you want to be loved you need to be yourself this piece of advice offered in slightly altered forms depending on whether one is seeking romantic love success or friendship feels like a big fat lie we learn from a young age that to be oneself to be messy ugly needy and stupid isn't lovable crying because we feel hurt or launching into a temper tantrum is met with the disapproval of our caretakers here we may hear The Echoes of Jordan Peterson's parental advice an angry child should sit by himself until he calms down then he should

be allowed to return to normal life that means the child wins instead of his anger the rule is come be with us as soon as you can behave properly the child learns to be accepted for not who they are but how they are their worth is dictated by their behavior later on WE note that being too vulnerable or weird drives away romantic prospects what we are left with is an ultimatum you can either be yourself or you can be loved and so our relationships become cyclical we compromise in the beginning prioritizing attachment over authenticity we

tuck away ourselves repressing the emotions that feel closest to us but this only lasts for a short while sooner or later ugly truths violently crashed through our Frozen surface of conformity we risk a divorce a breakup the severing of ties with our family members and then after a while we miss the basic need of belonging and once again repress who we are to be with others is this cycle an inevitability can we resolve the tension between authenticity and detachment [Music] this video is sponsored by brilliant I'll be honest I find math pretty boring statistics even

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role of someone we are not this has become increasingly more evident when we look at medical research when we think of an unhealthy personality we tend to imagine the stressed out CEO unwilling to make time for his family or to Simply slow down although this type A personality has its own risks recent studies suggest a far more Insidious trait that many of us carry as the physician Gabor mate notes those with a type c personality overly nice people who compulsively Place others expectations and needs ahead of their own are more likely to end up with

chronic illnesses it struck me that these patients had a higher likelihood of cancer and poorer prognosis repression disarms one's ability to protect oneself from stress these highly toxic repressive personality traits include a compulsive concern for others a rigid identification with responsibility and Duty a repression of healthy self-protective aggression and the consistent acting out of two main beliefs I am responsible for how other people feel and also I must never disappoint anyone of course none of these traits are inherently bad but mate notes that it is the compulsive nature of such behaviors that denotes a health

risk he explains further he dangerously self-denying traits tend to fly under our radar because they are easily conflated with their healthy analogs compassion honor diligence loving kindness generosity one issue with being type c is that having such traits is socially desirable in other words we tend to adopt these behaviors not out of a sincere sense of compassion but rather as a way to be liked to feel attached and accepted simply put we place our health at risk in order to be worthy of love this may explain the over-representation of women with chronic illnesses who are

usually socialized at a young age to repress their emotions and satisfy the needs of others over their own more generally mate explains how such a personality could develop if our environment cannot support our gut feelings and our emotions then the child in order to belong and fit in will automatically unwittingly and unconsciously suppress their emotions and their connections to themselves for the sake of staying connected to the nurturing environment without which the child cannot survive a lot of children are in this dilemma can I feel and express what I feel or do I have to

suppress that in order to be acceptable to be a good kid to be a nice kid the child pretty much entirely unable to survive without social support learns to prioritize attachment over authenticity learning what our parents want from us becomes an Adaptive survival response one that we maintain as we grow up we learn that to be inauthentic is to survive here mate criticizes Peterson who recommends punishing any outbursts from the child through isolation and Scorn teaching the child that any negative emotion is to be repressed lest they risk Severance from their loved ones as we

grow older we may develop an overly agreeable exoskeleton that surpasses any need for setting boundaries we may also begin to internalize the aspirations of those around us prioritizing external validation over internal validation better to believe it's my fault I'm bad which lets you believe there's the chance that if I work hard and be good I will be lovable thus even the debilitating belief in one's unworthiness begins as a coping mechanism it becomes inconceivable that those entrusted to care for us are fundamentally bad as our survival depends on them instead we must view ourselves as inherently

bad and thus it is our job to become acceptable and consequently loved mate's observations Echo the thoughts of Ernest Becker and tilik who on a much broader scale argue that there exists two ontological motives that creates an existential paradox the need to surrender oneself in full to the rest of nature to become a part of it by laying down one's whole existence to some higher meaning and the need to expand oneself as an individual heroic personality we wish to be a part of something larger to feel like we belong and simultaneously we wish to be

ourselves to be authentic in our uniqueness and specialness if we become too much of an individual if we are too much ourselves however we risk the existential protection afforded To Us by society and culture to stray too far is to feel guilty Becker notes that where religion has historically offered a solution to such a dilemma in which God loves us for who we are and also for how so perfectly we fit into his greater design we now seek the solution in romantic relationships ideally our partner loves us uniquely for who we are and also for

our contribution to this thing larger than both of us the relationship in the words of Mazzy Star we strive to fade into them this of course places far too much of a responsibility on the partner who becomes the moral Arbiter of self-worth resentment and disappointment soon follow as neither can be fully themselves all in the service of the relationship neither can live up to such romantic expectations and the fact that romance is so heavily prioritized by culture only further underscores the risk of a breakup to be alone is to be unworthy it's worth wondering how

much of culture is just this a collection of fear-based beliefs and adaptive survival identities trying to fit in how much of our societal systems is a collective pathology based on unresolved survival responses how do we break out of this how do we strive to become authentic not in the traditional sense of finding oneself that characterizes so many self-indulgent films but rather the capacity to be both loved and to be yourself how can we resolve this tension as mate writes the onset of inauthenticity may not be a choice but with awareness and self-compassion authenticity can be

in other words we must leave blame and guilt behind our parents were not operating in a bubble but were instead influenced by their socio-cultural environment stumbling in the dark and trying their best in their own way blame won't get us anywhere instead it is important to recognize that our personality traits seemingly so ingrained and essential to who we are May Simply Be outdated survival mechanisms it is sobering to realize that many of the personality traits we have come to believe are us and perhaps even take pride in actually Bear the scars of where we lost

connection to ourselves way back when to be self-compassionate is to Grant an offering to others because you know and honor what you yourself feel that entails genuinely listening to your gut instincts and and consequently setting boundaries it means sensing when we are truly shaping our lives from a deep knowledge of who we are it means honoring that little boy or girl who was told that what they felt was wrong or inappropriate simultaneously it means entering into relationships where our partner accepts and understands us for who we are encouraging us to explore and communicate our feelings

rather than simply Stow them away for the appropriate day that will never actually come this is true love people wanting what's best for each other sincerely all while holding each other accountable as mate writes it is not only necessary to leave blame and guilt behind on the road to Healing to move from self-accusation to curiosity from shame to responsibility it is also and always possible find in our last observation that it isn't such a lie that the only way you can be truly loved is to truly be yourself [Music]