Three CPTSD Behaviors that Push People Away

One of the biggest reasons why people who  grew up with trauma struggle to maintain good relationships is because of our own behaviors.  Whether we want them to or not, we do things that push people away. I'm Anna Runkle, also known  as the Crappy Childhood Fairy and I teach people how to heal from the effects of abuse and neglect  in childhood.

I teach a lot about triggers, the way people and experiences can just totally  dysregulate us and throw us off neurologically, physically, and emotionally. Now triggers are  important but what's also important are the ways that we act when we're feeling triggered or  when we're triggered and don't even realize it and we end up hurting or alienating other  people. And this makes me so sad, it's why so many of us have suffered so much loss and  we've often gone through our lives longing for connection and not finding it or alone and scared  to even try anymore.

And i'm here to say, there is so much healing possible and I can show you how,  because if you want to change any negative pattern everything depends on your ability to see and  change, to find the little spots, where you have some power to change how your life turns out.  And this can happen when you lovingly courageously shift your focus from what happened to you, to how  you're handling life right now, when you have a choice in the question of what happens next. Okay  behavior number one that can push people away, our loneliness gets "leaky.

" Loneliness is  like the number one symptom of early trauma and sometimes it spills out into the way that we  relate to other people and it makes us seem, I hate this word, but needy. Some ways that this can  show up when we're first getting to know someone, we dominate the interaction with  our stories and our feelings. For friendship to blossom there's got to  be some give and take: talking, listening, talking, listening, caring about the other  person and being genuinely interested in them.

Here's another thing our loneliness makes us do,  we sometimes confuse being open with other people with just you know spilling our pain. Have you  done that? If you're just getting to know someone and you're bringing out all your trauma stories,  and let's face it we have lots of trauma stories and they've kind of crowded out a lot of the  other possible stories we could be telling, but if you're talking about that stuff as soon as  you meet someone, you might want to catch yourself and decide to just pull back and set aside the sad  stuff and then measure it out in little increments over time.

It's totally important to share this  part of ourselves with people close to us but unless it's an established relationship with  someone who cares about the totality of you, you run the risk of overwhelming people or  freaking them out, I know I did, and then they close their hearts to you it's just too much. Now  one exception to that is when you're talking to people who are very traumatized themselves or who  are in an altered state from drugs or alcohol or who don't care what state you're in because  they're trying to get something from you. So pouring your heart out in that situation  might lead to a connection of a sort but this is exactly how we so often end up entangled with  inappropriate or destructive people.

We get very intense, the people who can handle it are the  very people who are not good for us to be around. So, be measured, little bits of your story  shared over a slow time frame will help you start to build authentic friendships. Now  you might also be leaking your loneliness when you do too much of the initiating of  get togethers.

You call them, you text them, you've got fun ideas they might enjoy, but it's  always you doing the asking. Now if you know someone who's been depressed and wants a little  encouragement, there's no problem with doing this but in an equal relationship where no one's trying  to help the other person, it's better to allow for reciprocity. You invite them to get together, then  wait for them to invite you, maybe they'll happily surprise you and be right there with an invitation  very soon after the last time you got together or maybe you won't hear from them for a while. 

When people don't make an effort to get together, that is information, it's good for you to know  about what kind of a friendship they're interested in and what you can expect, like maybe not much  of a friendship in that case and definitely not a romantic relationship. So when one person  doesn't pan out into a reciprocal friendship, it's just time to meet some extra people some new  people, not to keep pushing invitations on the same person. Okay second behavior that pushes  people away, we get overly "other-focused" do you know what I mean?

We get very wrapped up in  what the other person is thinking and feeling at the expense of what we are thinking and feeling  and this is one of those things where it always feels like no one should be able to tell that  you're doing it because hey you're trying to be a good friend right? But think about when people  have done this to you asking how are you doing, trying to read your mind, trying to fix problems  that aren't even there, they're always kind of like pecking at you with this? It feels yucky  right?

This is a classic fawning behavior that's one of the major expressions of CPTSD, fight  flight freeze or fawn. And with fawning it's like our whole beings get taken over by trying to read  another person and yes this was a survival tool for a lot of us when we were little and trying  to gauge our own safety in unsafe situations but now, the mode of behavior completely kills genuine  connection. It's a form of being in our own heads, of not being present, of giving all our power  to someone who has not even asked for our power.

The relationships you want never require that  you shut down or mentally flee the situation or give them all your power and this is similar  to another thing some of us do, when we feel rejected and hurt but aggressively covered up  by being cheerful helpful agreeable no problem, this is what people who were abused as kids  get way too good at, I call it "crap fit. " And i'll share a video with you about that at  the end of this one, but going right into people pleasing when you're attacked that's what  it is. If someone's not treating you well, you can say something or you don't have to and of  course you can always leave but if some old hurt part of you responds to mistreatment by jumping in  and doing a song and dance to show that hey you're not hurt you're fine you're cool, is there  anything you can do.

. this is not connection, this is you playing a role and if this is familiar  to you, ask yourself if that's something that you're doing with any people in your life right  now. Real friendships never require taking crap or abandoning yourself as a means to cope! 

Real friendships are made of you being present, you are present. That presence is one of the most  remarkable things that begins to show up, I love watching that with the people in my programs.  So many positive changes flow from there.

Okay the third behavior that pushes  people away, it's having a lack of clarity about when it's just you. Meaning you have trouble  accurately seeing your own role in problems, either blaming yourself too much or denying  any responsibility or in fact the thought that you play any role just like makes you  angry. Have you dealt with people like that?

Either way black and white thinking, i'm  totally responsible i'm never responsible, it's a way of checking out of reality and people  who are not in reality are very hard to connect with. So some signs that you might be doing this  include, you apologize too much, have you ever had someone do that to you but for something they only  imagine had offended you and you're saying please you don't need to apologize but they keep doing  it and they keep doing it and they feel so ashamed and it's not a good feeling to be either person in  that. So if you're profusely apologizing all the time, and key indicator here is that the other  person keeps insisting that you don't need to or seems uncomfortable, let it go, just let it  go.

The same goes for putting yourself down, saying "oh my gosh i'm such an idiot I  look awful I don't even belong here," you don't mean it this way but it can come  off like like you're begging for something. What's really going on is you're drowning in fear  of course and healing this, that's what I teach in all my courses, but telling everyone the contents  of this like trash can in your mind, it just can be off-putting. Now sometimes people who already  have a trusting relationship might confess to each other the doubts they have about themselves but  blurting your fears out every time you make a mistake is, consciously or unconsciously, it's  an attempt to get other people to make you feel less fearful.

They probably would help you if  they could but they can't, so it just makes things awkward. Now on the other side of the "Is  it just me" syndrome are behaviors where we're oblivious to the fact when something really is  our fault, which happens right? And this shows up when someone says they're bothered by something  we did and we skip over hearing it or caring how they feel and go right into defensiveness or even  blaming them.

Everybody knows what this feels like and absolutely no one likes it. Now it's true that  sometimes people are going to blame you unfairly for a problem but the thing about having CPTSD is,  our judgment can be a bit slow or off so it pays to listen. Now i'm not talking about listening  to abusers here, that's a whole different thing when someone gaslights you or attacks you for  imagined offenses and they can't be reasoned with, those are not friends okay?

We get really fuzzy  on determining "Is this person's criticism right now something that I need to hear and take  seriously? " And the answer is, as a rule, yes. If you like and respect someone, it's only fair  to hear what they have to say.

Now healing our childhood PTSD involves a balancing act between  being open to hear things like criticism but not instantly taking it inside our innermost heart  and making it our truth. There's this place I call a front porch in our emotional world where we can  listen and consider what we're hearing and take a moment to decide if we're going to let that  inside our emotional home, our place of truth. Listening on the porch allows us to respond, and  responding- it's not the same as reacting is it, reacting is how we end up lashing out and running  away from people- responding means considering another person's feelings, showing courtesy even  when you don't see truth in what they're saying, not yet anyway, and making an effort to understand  the spirit of what they're saying and responding to that.

You don't have to fawn and grovel and you  don't have to annihilate them, you can say "Wow I didn't realize you felt that way, let me think  about that and see if I can improve on that. " Now notice all you said was that you'd think about it,  that you'd see if you could improve, you didn't invalidate them, you didn't collapse emotionally  right? Sometimes during considerations, it's magical, the right words just come to you  so you can be real and tell the truth and still be a caring friend.

Those two things truth and  caring, that's what allows friendships to deepen and that's how healing works, little changes  made over time. So don't give up! With small steps in your overall healing you can learn to  connect better.

Better connecting, it's like jet fuel for your overall healing so it's this  positive cycle that just keeps getting better, one thing leads to another, sounds good doesn't  it? If you want to get going on your own positive steps toward healing trauma, better connections,  i've got courses for you and they are linked as always in the description section below. I've  also got bunches of really good videos coming out in the next few weeks and to make sure  you get them right away, you can subscribe by clicking right over here and if you like that  positive cycle we talked about in this video, you're going to want to watch this video  right here, it's super practical and it'll help you keep going on this good direction  where you're moving and i'll see you soon!