Lady Gaga Monologue - SNL

Ladies and gentlemen, Lady Gaga. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm so excited to be here.

I know you might be thinking I'm here to my promote my album mayhem, but I'm actually here to remind you that I'm an amazing actor. Last time I hosted SNL, I was 27. I'm 38 now, which is scientifically the best age for a female pop star to be.

Honestly, though, most pop stars are over 40. Chappell Roan is 58 and Charli XCX. She's 75.

Tate McRae is my biological grandmother. I'm so happy to be back at SNL. The last time I hosted was in 2013 and every aspect of my performance aged amazingly.

There's no need to Google SNL 2013 Lady Gaga featuring R Kelly. We all won't. And I won't bring it up because that would be bad.

Anyway, I'm an actor now, and I've been very diligent about selecting films that would showcase my craft as a serious actor. Films such as Joker two. Apparently people thought it was awesome, and Joaquin and I even got nominated for a Razzie, which is an award for the worst films of the year.

So we won for Worst on Screen duo. But joke's on them. I love winning things, and my Razzie brings me one step closer to an Egot.

It's like an Egot, but it's hurtful. Tonight I'm the host and the musical guest, which means someone has to introduce me for music. I asked Bowen to do it because apparently he's a superfan, but I think I make him nervous.

Bowen, are you happy? I'm here. Ladies and gentlemen, Lady Gaga.

Okay, it's a little early, but great job. Boing! Yay!

I got a pretty big year. I got engaged. Thank you.

My. My mom set us up, and it's a true story. My mom called me one day, and she goes, I met your husband.

And I said, what does he do? And she said, he works in cancer research. And while we were talking, I was literally smoking a cigarette.

And then we went on three dates and I never smoked again except when I'm drunk. In all seriousness, I'm from New York City, so hosting SNL is so extra special to me. I respect everyone here so much.

So tonight I promise to act, to sing, and to not do Joker. Three we've got a great show for you tonight. I'm here, so stick around and we'll be right back.