There is no need to understand: the problem is the problem

I'm Dr Orion taban and this is psychs Better Living Through psychology and the topic of today's short talk is there is no need to understand this is really important for people to keep in mind while they're in the dating process as you get to know somebody it's very likely that you're going to encounter some things about this person that aren't very pleasant that aren't very attractive and that you would prefer not to see you want love these things but some of these things you'll be able to live with and some of these things you won't

however throughout this process there is a trap that people are subject to falling into and we could call this trap the Trap of understanding once people become cognizant of the problematic attributes of the other they can fall into the Trap of trying to understand where these problems are coming from because they believe that understanding the origin of the problem will somehow lessen the impact of the problem or resolve it entirely this isn't true and no one acts like it's true in any other medical profession like if someone gets diagnosed with cancer the doctors don't spend

months trying to get to the bottom of where the cancer came from it's here now so the question becomes what are they going to do about it moving forward once the disease has manifested in the the patient the origin is an intellectual curiosity at best and completely irrelevant at worst for some reason however in the domain of psychology we've come to believe that understanding the origin of a problem is synonymous with treating the problem and this belief has migrated into the popular imagination and has significantly altered expectations in romantic relationships the issue is no longer

that someone is untrustworthy or critical or rejecting no these are just symptoms of narcissistic abuse or an emotionally unavailable parent or sexual trauma etc etc and once the person and everyone around the person deeply and thoroughly processes these experiences the surface symptoms will disappear and until that happens patience and compassion and most of all understanding is what is called for however I'm here to tell you that at a certain stage of the game it doesn't matter where a problem comes from the problem is that the problem still exists plain and simple and understanding the origin

of this problem is an intellectual curiosity at best and completely irrelevant at worst like in the majority of cases the people you are dating are old enough to have dealt with these issues by now as I've stated previously it may not be their fault but it is their responsibility it could very well be true that a woman's emotional difficulties or a man's relational problems stem from say a traumatic childhood but that childhood could have been 20 or 30 years ago what has that person been doing in the intervening time to solve the problem therapy well

if that could have solved the problem it would have solved the problem by now what else is this problem as much of a problem for them as it is for you if not you're going to have a tough go of it people will only change for other people to a point for change to be sustainable it must be intrinsically motivated I appreciate this can sound harsh but frankly so is the prospect of spending an inordinate amount of time in a difficult relationship this is true irrespective of the origin of the problem in question yeah that

child didn't ask for those things to happen to them but that person hasn't been a child for a very long time you might have sympathy for their ongoing difficulties but that absolutely doesn't mean that you should move forward with a relationship out of a misplaced sense of pity or a misguided desire to support someone out of their unhappiness if you appreciate the insights on this channel I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book the value of others over the course of 432 pages I delve deep into my economic

model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual Market Marketplace once you read the value of others you'll never look at relationships the same way again now available an ebook audiobook and paperback formats the links are in the description if you're a longtime supporter of this channel you know that I often liken romance to business if it works in one it tends to work in

the other and this holds true even with the topic under consideration as I've said before dating is an extended hiring process and in that process the man is the employer this is because the man is expected to extend an invitation to the woman and not the other way around so let's imagine that you the man are an executive at a company and you're currently interviewing candidates for a position at your firm if one of these candidates interviews poorly if they are socially awkward or aggressive or arrogant or stubborn or bumbling do you really need to

spend time trying to figure out why that candidate didn't interview well are you going to try to understand why that particular candidate was anxious or incompetent or entitled absolutely not you might have sympathy for the fact that the interview didn't go well but that sympathy doesn't extend to devoting time and trouble to figuring out the origin of their problem let alone offering them a position with the expectation that you would be able to change them into a confident competent employee over time what you should do is say thank you for taking the time to come

down here we'll take your application under consideration and then move on to the next candidate and that's what men should do in the courtship process once it becomes clear that they have encountered a deal breaker in the sense that it's going to be difficult if not impossible to have a long-term stable harmonious relationship with a particular woman given her behavior or personality then he should simply move on to the next potential candidate higher slow Fire fast do not fall into the Trap of trying to understand why she is the way she is and absolutely do

not fall into the Trap of thinking that you can help her get over it this is because insight and emotional support are often not enough enough to solve many of these problems appreciate that it's going to be very poor consolation indeed if you understand the origin of a problem that continues to manifest in your relationship you are not a saint at a certain point your sympathy is going to dry up and your patience is going to wear thin and you're going to find yourself in a high conflict or at the very least a high stress

relation ship better to say thank you but I don't think we're compatible all the best to you very simple easy to understand advice right so why don't guys follow it the reason why guys don't follow it is generally that they have already decided that this is the woman that they want to have a relationship with they emotionally invested in the woman too soon because they clearly didn't have access to certain data points points that would have impacted their decision to invest had they been known and guys typically do this because either the woman is very

very attractive or the man has low self-esteem and or low optionality could also be both in this case the man has put himself behind the eightball he has already decided that he wants to have a relationship with a particular woman so when the problems become manifest he now feels like he is responsible for solving her problem problems to get what he wants and this is not necessarily the case this is why it's important for men to keep a tight r on their emotions throughout the courtship process you do not invest in a particular employee until

after you've hired him the same is true for women do not invest in a particular woman until after you've sufficiently vetted her do this and you won't fall into the trap of understanding which is a symptom of emotionally investing in a woman before it's appropriate what do you think does this fit with your own experience let me know in the comments below and please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message as it's Word of Mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow and anyone looking to

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