How to Finally End Money Fights with Your Spouse (with Jefferson Fisher)

[Music] well hey you guys I am so excited because on today's show I am joined by Jefferson fiser and if you are not one of his 2.8 million Instagram followers let me just tell you a little bit about him because he's awesome he's amazing so he is actually a personal injury lawyer and the founder and CEO of Fisher law firm and he's an argument expert so he has been getting so much attention recently I've seen so many people reposting him even people that I follow they're like always reposting his stuff because he is just an

expert when it comes to communication arguing negotiation because you know you even think about the money side of Our Lives whether it's you and your spouse are in a fight about money maybe you're being mistreated as a customer at a store maybe you're negotiating on a car lots like whatever it may be there are constantly moments of us having to communicate around money and sometimes comes with a little bit of tension so some of his most popular posts include what to say when someone belittles you also what's the right way to receive a compliment many

people kind of push those away and how to talk to a narcissist so he is worth the follow make sure to check out what he's doing on Instagram because his videos are so great so Jefferson thank you so much for coming on today absolutely thanks for having me Rachel yeah all your stuff is so great and I think it's so relatable for people when it comes to their daily lives so I want to dive in deep in this conversation because I think there's a lot that we can learn but really quick before we do that

I want to tell you guys about a new game that my family and I have been loving and it is called taple so taple is a game that it has some competitiveness to it there's like a timer so there's definitely this feeling of like oh my gosh this urgency of having to get the answer but you have a category you got to pick a a word in that category and the first letter of the word you push down the letter on the board and you take turns really quickly and usually you know if you're like

in the moment you can't think of something the timer goes off your team loses a point so it's really fun if your kids are old enough to spell and they know this the first letter of a word they can join you but your friends your family I mean everyone will enjoy this game so make sure to find taffle at Walmart and make sure to play it this holiday season with your family all right Jefferson so let's dive in because one of the biggest I feel like conflicts that I here on my end of life when

it comes to money is spouses specifically not being able to be on the same page and so some people with their argument style it's like aggressive for some people it's more you know passive but what would you say to someone who's like okay we've had the same argument and we just go around and around in a circle like how how do you break that cycle of an argument that's just the same argument over and over again yeah well it it applies to really anything but I I assume you hear it with like you want to

make a budget you want to join bank accounts you it's talking about these things where you want to do together when you find yourself talking about the same argument it's generally because you're not talking about the root cause what you're doing essentially is you're trying to cut down a tree by trimming its leaves you're not hitting the the root cause so when you talk about hey I want to sit down and do a budget together or hey I want to join I think we should um create a joint account different conversations like that it's because

the issue is not the real issue the issue is not the joint bank account the issue is trust the issue is what's the fear you get what I'm saying so that's the conversation is much deeper than the fact that they don't want to engage with you and and feel like a partner to you on creating a budget yeah no that makes so much sense and we talk about that issue a lot that money it's just like the filter that the thing is coming out of right so there's so much stirring you know whether it's in

your own life or in your marriage and it's going to come out all these different directions and it could come out as money it could come out during a parenting moment with kids like whatever it looks like do you find though that people um because I love this subject like I love therapy I love like digging in like all of that is so fascinating to me because I think we are really layered people right within our stories how we were brought up how we see the world today and do you find for most people or

people in general that it's hard for them to get to that root cause cuz maybe they have the tools or they've never been taught how to ask themselves those questions or do you think no no anyone can do this anyone can get to that root cause to get out of that cycle I I believe it's it's a learned process I don't think we it's just innate within us I think it we're born maybe with different types of experiences that teach us these things but I think discernment is something not only you're given but something that

can be grown and how do I not only catch myself and my behavior what can I learn not from somebody's words but from what their words did didn't say so it's those little moments in between I think that really help us communicate more with one another when you're at a loss of saying I I'm not really understanding them well have you really taken the time to try and sit back and do that without just sitting on your side of the the court that's so good so good and it takes that level of awareness to even

ask that question right to get outside of yourself because so often we're like we're the ones being stirred up and our focus is so there so Dr John zalone he claims you Jefferson that he has made you who you are no but he always talks about whenever you're brought up in conversations he's always like Jefferson is the calmest coolest guy you will ever meet so for people like me that not it's not necessarily my gifting in life when you're in an argument and you're in a conflict what are a couple of ways to stay cool

and to stay you know level when there's conflict yeah that's hard if it's not innate to your personality if it's not something that that's common some things that I like to push out is number one you you say it out loud so if you feel that Rising frustration you say it out loud I can tell I'm getting frustrated begin with I can tell I can tell I'm not ready for this conversation I can tell I'm getting upset once you say it out loud once you claim it then you can control it that allows you a

better grasp of that self-awareness you were just talking about of knowing exactly how you're feel and then you layer that on with the sense of what your body's going through is just tension it's your sympathetic nervous system and so we often do not recognize the tension that's happening within our body I'm just I'm only focused on what Rachel is saying what can I respond that's going to hurt Rachel or going to prove her wrong or beat her in some way rather than focusing on what's happening to my body and what happens is that tension Rises

up and it needs to go somewhere so it it forces me to yell really loudly it forces me to want to throw something it forces me to have an angry response because I'm not giving it anywhere to go so one way to do that is really focus on your muscles and you're breathing so I I know I'm sure Dr deloney speaks plenty on on right breathing techniques that you can have there's lots of different methods but being aware of of that is is a big part of it and then lastly I would say slow down

your words when you speak really quickly it amps up that tension with in you but if you purposely slow down your words it forces you to to put on the breakes yeah it's amazing just even what speed does like in that sense right of just like the Cadence of your voice slowing it down and then knowing what's going on with you yeah physically which I think those are such great tips because I think for some people if they're like well conflict a great tip would be like figure out what to say here or there like

but it has nothing to do with your words it is it is your body it's the way you're speaking I mean all of that which I think are so many great tools to have especially when those conflicts arise it actually is part of like your biology your your Rhythm wants to match we want to go in the same frequency so that's why a lot of the times if you slow down your words you feel more calm than with somebody who's going at at high high speed I had a grandparent that when you'd ask him a

question he'd probably take 8 seconds before he actually responded to you you know he just even if it was a short well yeah I mean it just took a little bit of time for that to to happen and it just calms you down really yes oh it's so good okay so what would you say to somebody if they're natural right because there's like the the flight and fight there's all these ways that people respond in a situation in a stressful situation or conflict what would you say to somebody if their natural response is more of

that kind of just like internal processing I need time I need space I I need to step away AKA my husband this is this is more my husband like if we're into something he's like I need some time and I'm a verbal processor so I'm like I know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling and it will come right out of my mouth as soon as I think it which is prob part of my issue right so for somebody that is more of an internal processor or needs that time like what are some maybe some encouragement

to that type of Personality because there's some there's some strengths there but also maybe some weaknesses so I'm the same way I I like to process things before I get into them same way my wife is very different I like to say I'm a nice Windows 98 while my wife was like a Intel Core processor 3,000 she speaks out loud a million miles an hour all out loud and I'm just it's in my head yeah totally the yeah the encouragement is don't speak until you're ready so have the confidence to say I'm not ready for

this conversation I need that time for him to tell you I'm not I'm not ready for this is is okay I think one thing that helps is being able to say is this something we need to discuss right now or is this something that I can discuss later generally it's something that can doesn't have to be done right now and that that's encouraging at least for me and also the idea of give me some time to think on it I will give you a response I need some time to think on it it's just that

ability to check in with yourself to say if you want me to respond right away I'm going to give you 18% of a thought but if you want 100% you're going to need some time to let that load that's so good and with people that tend to lean in that direction you said it but I want to just repeat it for all of us on the other side of the spectrum to come back like make sure you come back to revisit once you have 100% of the thought right cuz I think for some people they

forget it or time passes they it's not a big deal anymore but always still revisiting if you've promised give me some time would you agree yeah and one way to to ensure that it's just said a time for it you schedule it you schedule some time I ask them when's a good time for us to address this because some of the worst arguments hardest conversations you can have are not made easier by forcing them in the moment it it only pushes it just makes them a pressure cooker because if you're not ready for that conversation

then then that means the resolution isn't ready either so you're going to in fact feel even more upset and maybe more defensive if you feel like they're trying to control your time and controlling when you you have to have the conversation as well so that's just going to bring content into the mix yeah that's good and I think a lot of wisdom in that space and slowing down which I think is is so great okay so if you are in a conflict with somebody and they speak things over you they say things at you that

are mean cruel name calling like if you if you're an argument with someone like that how do you handle that because you're a lawyer so like I feel like You' probably been in a lot of well either way whether it's a personal setting a professional setting it's it's still you either way my response would be the same and if somebody's being ugly to me disrespecting me in a conversation immediately my boundary is is going up I'm not going to walk on eggshells um to be afraid of what they're going to feel about my response so

in the way I assert that boundary and the way I I teach people is that you respond with I I am not going to be spoken to that way it's not you don't talk to me like that you can't say that to me that's not going to work it's I am out going to be spoken to that way it's saying this is my boundary it's not yours this is mine and then you follow it up with if you continue to in ERT the boundary if you continue to talk to me that way this is the

end of the conversation and then you just stop and you go in a full pause you just listen and they're either going to respect that boundary or they're going to show that they're not and if they don't and that's a whole different question of where you value this person and prioritize this person in your daily life yeah and whether or not your life is worth living without them yes yes which gets into some I mean that's real too right I think that happens a lot in an personal relationships which is just it's terrible but I

think too people feel drawing a boundary it almost makes it feel like I'm the one that's doing something harsh or mean and my encouragement always to people with boundaries is like no you're doing this to protect yourself and I even love the way you talked about it's I right and there's a level of I can control me and that's all I can and right thousands of dollars of therapy realizing I can't control the other person or them this this and this what can I do in a situation and that gives you a lot of power

when you can finally kind of lay to rest like I'm not here to convince that other person or try to change them try to have them talk to me in a different way um I'm just speaking for me and what I expect and drawing that boundary and it's really healthy and it's maybe a little scary if you're not used to that but it's one of the best things that you can do for yourself exactly too often we think that when we say you can do this are you other person's going to assume that you are

wanting to control them and you now are just justifying them to to ratchet it up even more Y and instead if you just say this is this is my guide book you want you want me involved in this conversation here's the owner's manual right here rather than yeah you giving them a remote to control you know push all your buttons and control your emotions you're making it very clear this is how I operate in this setting yeah so good okay so if you are on the opposite side of the coin if you are somebody that

tends to get out of control or lose their temper or say things that you don't mean if you happen to be that type of person in conflicts how how can you help direct direct those people if you're the type of person that unintentionally says things that hurts people or what you don't mean it means that all the work has to be done before you open your mouth because you're trying to often times figure out what you want to say and what you mean while you're saying it and that's the worst time to do it especially

people who are external processors they'll start to say things that they don't mean but they just had to say it because that's what their brain was saying it's more often to put that work on the on the front end before you even open your mouth which means have you considered not only what you want to say but how it's going to be received so it's a checklist in your mind of saying well wait before I say this have have I sat in their chair have I considered how what I'm about to say is going to

sound to them versus how it's feels good for me to say uh and that that pause of have I sat in their chair gives you that little bit of insight of well maybe I shouldn't say that and even just that little pause can make all the difference especially in a really when things get really heated yeah well it makes it makes so much sense because I think too you can feel Justified and like well this is how I feel and this is what I think and because of that I have this justification that I can

say and do what I please regardless of what whether it's hurting another person and for me people you know that that's their like knee-jerk response it's really difficult CU I'm like that's a it's a it's a selfish type mentality and what you're saying is like stop and pause and actually think about the other person that you're sitting across from and I think that that takes a level of selfless but also a lot of wisdom because it does slows you down and it changes what you're even the words that are going to be spoken out of

your mouth yeah exactly and it really is it's a different way of thinking about arguments when you brought it up earlier your fight or flight when we want to hurt somebody that is our fight mode we we want to hurt why because we are wanting to eliminate that threat that they are imposing on us maybe that threat is to my competence maybe that threat is I feel like they're undermining me it is threats that we perceive that we are wanting to extinguish and we want to put out our body says I don't care how you

do that because it's it's the emotions that are are driving us at that point so we just filter it out with with nothing we just say I'll say whatever I can to hurt you in that moment and it's because we're just listening to whatever we're saying to ourselves not considering what what it's going to be to the other person oh so great oh my gosh Jefferson it's such good stuff it really is because I think you know whether it's money or other parts of our Lives we can be in these situations that it's you know

you feel the conflict you feel an argument and I think the biggest thing is being able to slow down be present of what's going on within you and it's just more productive than going around like a bunch of like 12 year olds just yelling at each other or getting you know saying what you want to say it takes a level of maturity and patience in that but I think it's really wise and I think it it's going to help a lot of people so I really appreciate you coming on and walking us through some of

those scenarios because I think it's really important where can everyone find you do you have new stuff happening in life kind of what's going on in your world I'm uh currently writing a book with penguin random house uh so that's I am trying to finish that manuscript which as you all know is not an easy Fe so yeah so I'm I'm dealing with that there's just a lot of lot of blessings the Lord's really blessed um the the platform that I have to help a lot of people which has been just wonderful right now other

than that we just finished kids soccer yeah and so we're done with that uh but they can find me on Instagram Facebook YouTube any of those my main platform is Instagram because I I like it the most and if anybody needs an attorney I work at Fisher firm congratulations Jefferson on everything and yeah you guys make sure to check out everything he's doing uh he has so many helpful tips again in a subject that not everyone's an expert on but the more we can learn about ourselves uh and calm down in these areas it it

gives you a more a more peaceful life so remember you guys to take control of your money and create a life you [Music] love