how to cultivate strong self-love | filling the void you feel | @tiffanylaibhen

how can I make sure that what I'm asking for from someone else I'm already able to give myself the emotional nurturing of yourself caring for yourself and celebrating yourself comforting yourself those are the things you should be able to do for yourself if you're expecting it from other people Tiff TI T [Music] Tiff hi Familia so let's start with our Bevy of the day my husband went out and found this simply Mixology drink like simply orange juice simply lemonade it's that brand so it's strawberry guava mojito it's a mixer that you can mix with any

liquor so today I used white heny now I don't mess with heny I don't we just don't do well together but the white Henny is really really smooth and he got a couple bottles when he traveled so we have like three or four on our bar it's actually really delicious it's only a very little a little bit we not getting lit lit let me know down in the comments but you're having and let's get to today's chat I grew up believing that my happiness was placed in other people in the relationships that I was in

in my friendships and in in everyone else and only within like the last year have I really mastered the idea I knew it I kept saying it but really putting it into action took me years and within this last year I've really committed to the fact that my happiness and the love that I am looking for in anyone else is my responsibility I couldn't grasp this for a long time because for me to be in a relationship meant You're supposed to bring me joy and make me happy anyone in your life whether it be a

romantic relationship or a friendship they should be adding to the joy that you have for yourself but to be honest most of us have not grown up with the idea that we are in charge of the love that we want to see when I see a lot of responses to these videos when I get push back and when I say push back not negative but like those who are listening and they're like I hear you but when I try to do that my partner does this my family does this my kids let's let's get to

the bottom of this giving yourself the love that you are looking for is the key to your happiness and while it may sound cliche most of us are not doing it we're hearing it and we're like yeah we've heard it before we've heard selflove we've heard you got to love yourself first but are we really putting it into practice and it's true people keep saying it because that is the key I've been in this self-actualization journe for 10 plus years and I've heard it from the very beginning these little nuggets of wisdom that sound so

simple the things that you were looking for you already have inside the love that you're looking for give it to yourself before you are looking for it in someone else I found that my happiest moments have been more recently because when I am about to go back into my old ways of being which is I am not feeling my best taking it out on my husband just having an attitude noticing all the little things that he's doing noticing he didn't put the toilet seat down or he didn't I don't know wipe the stove down just

the smallest things that we tend to just get annoyed about and I've been very conscious of when that's happening I noticed that that's happening when I feel unseen I feel unloved or unsupported or I'm frustrated about something and I've learned to take a step back and I've learned to ask myself is this really about him was I in a great mood in a happy mood did I feel loved did I feel happy and then I seen this thing and it bothered me cuz that happened like you can be in an awesome mood and then someone

genuinely does something that you need to talk to them about or that you need to express right but if your frustrations with other people and your need to express what you need more of or you know how you're feeling neglected if that is piggy backing off of your frustrations of something that's going on within you I challenge you not to bark don't bark at your kids don't bark at your spouse partner don't bark at your friends and your family go inward find a moment to sit down and be like all right what's really going on

inside of me right now what am I really feeling right now why am I frustrated and a lot of times it's something that you are responsible for is it something that you're not doing enough of are you not getting enough alone time are you not expressing your boundaries or your needs in a healthy way and you're waiting until it has piled up this is what I mean by you are responsible for the love that you're looking for because if you have not expressed that to a person then yes you're going to be frustrated and you

don't want to wait until the point that you're frust ated in order to express that because now it becomes about the stove it becomes about the things that it's not about rather than hey I'm feeling unsupported I need a little bit more of this that you have not expressed that's the real root of the issue or the root of what you're feeling being able to take our feelings and actually work through them rather than piling them one on top of the other and making it something else not understanding what's going on in yourself and just

barking at people is going to create all types of issues in your relationships and your friendships in the connection that you have it also gives off the idea that you are not happy or you're feeling some type of way because of other people and that gives away your power that makes you feel hopeless that makes you feel like unless this person acts the way that I want them to act I will not be happy and that is so unfair to yourself that's unfair to yourself and that's unfair to the people in your world they're going

through stuff too what happens if both of you are going through something at the same moment what happens if your spouse is feeling depressed going through a midlife crisis or dark of the Soul they don't have it to give right now that happens and it happens often and not allowing someone that space and also not being able to take care of yourself in those moments because if you are relying on them to keep you happy and keep you joyful when they're going through a moment and when they don't have it to give where does that

leave you where does that leave you our happiness is not someone else's responsibility our joy is not someone else's responsibility you should have healthy relationships you should have boundaries you should have people and things around you that are adding to what you have already taken care of and cultivated in yourself I want everyone watching this to feel the freedom of not allowing someone else to control your emotions we've been so used to it for so long we've witnessed it for so long and I know for me when when I was younger I literally used to

say out of my mouth when me and my husband would have an argument or a fight my thought process back then was if we were not good I was not good I can't function and do anything else if there was turmo o in the home I just can't function to an extent that still is my Outlook on things I do believe that our foundation and our seeing eye to eye is very important however I would be anxious and I would just mope until we had a conversation I'd just be depressed and miserable and I wouldn't

be able to focus on work I didn't want to go out with my friends I mean it was codependent very codependent the difference now is that I know how to regulate myself I know how to say okay we need a talk about this ASAP it's on the calendar if we can't talk today because he has a work trip to go on okay cool I'm not completely out of commission anymore why because I've learned that my happiness is not placed in him it's not placed in our relationship I'm an individual before I am a wife right

and it is my responsibility to take care of myself so what does that look like if I'm not feeling great with my husband right now if we're not eye to eye it looks like finding time to meditate a little bit more it looks like watching my shows that comforts me journaling and going through my thoughts and my feelings around this and what do I want to say to him and what do I really want to come out of this and how can we grow through this I'm focusing on how was I wrong in this situation

could I be better could I have been more supportive was what I said correct do I stand in that I take the time to really nurture myself and hear myself and if I'm wrong I take the time to be like you could have done better there I can't stress how important it is to be two independent individuals ual that come together and become interdependent now when it comes to relationships I've had a lot of people ask me how do you find this self love and this independence of Self in a relationship that you've been in

if you're not in a relationship this is the perfect time for you to cultivate that love with yourself to understand how to nurture yourself when you're not feeling so great not needing to rely on everyone else outside of yourself to fix your problems or to give you the answers you know the answers you know the answers I promise you that you know what you need but most of us have not been taught to listen to ourselves we've been taught to call our girlfriends we've been taught that our partners fix all the pain and the things

we're feeling inside and what I'm trying to say is that is an old and outdated way of thinking understanding that you can both have a beautiful partnership relationship marriage friendships you can have such fulfilling relationships outside of yourself while still being able to say that when I am alone and if if I ever had to be alone I will be okay I know how to take care of myself emotionally I know how to regulate myself emotionally I know how to sit with myself and make decisions for myself how to love myself and make myself happy

I know how to keep myself entertained when it's just me those things are very important it takes the pressure off of feeling like someone in the friendship relationship the family member that they need to be strong all the time because they have to be there for you they have to make sure you're good there's nothing wrong with relying on Friends and family or or venting to friends and family but needing someone in order to regulate yourself that's what we call codependence it is a lie it is an illusion I don't know why they don't teach

us about the power that we hold I mean I do I can get into that that might be a whole another video keeping us powerless Keeps Us attached to things right like not truly allowing someone to know the power that they have especially women the power that we have that we don't need it from a man we don't need to be in a relationship we don't need that for validation we don't need that for Financial Security we can choose that you know I'm never sharing something from a point of view of we all need to

do it this way I am going to stand on we all need to have a certain level of Independence an emotional mental spiritual Independence that we all should have to know that if you are in a relationship where someone is taking care of you financially and they decide to no longer take care of you are you going to be okay that is the type of Freedom that I want for every person watching this to know that without anyone you can find your way and you are strong enough because what you need is your emotional and

mental strength that is what gets you through you'll be able to know how to make money you'll be able to know how to take care of yourself but working on this stuff on the inside first is how it spills out and then shows up on your outside world we're going to work on and we're going to talk about ways to cultivate that inner strength that inner love what self-love actually looks like what it looks like to actually pour into yourself and give yourself the love that you are looking for from other people now this one

might be a a little tough to grasp the way that we've been taught to look at our kids is that they are possessions right they are here to bring us joy a lot of that rhetoric has been given to us when it comes to our children that affects both parties because one you place your joy in your child but your child is an individual and our job is to guide them they are not our sole source of joy and happiness our job is to be the best version of ourselves and you cannot be the best

version of yourself if your happiness your joy the way you feel loved and seen depends on someone outside of you learning to self-love and self-regulate in being able to Bob and weave through this life you're going to have good days bad days and so are the people around you again being able to find that healthy interdependence where it's you are here in my life and I know I can rely on you I can vent to you I know that you will help me through but I am not placing my happiness and my quality of life

on you my child my partner my friend friend take a deep breath and let's take a sip cuz we have to remember that people are human they are doing the best they can everyone is actually doing the best they can hear me out everyone's doing the best they can at their level of emotional maturity but some people's level of emotional maturity is just it's just not that great and so they're doing the best that they can at their level of maturity and that might look like as soon as you piss them off they're screaming and

yelling at you or they're walking out on you and then you feel bad they just don't know how to handle your emotions and a lot of times when we are reliant on people to make us happy it's because somewhere along the line we were neglected and we didn't have that so we keep attracting that person that can't give us what we need and the biggest joke of it all is that nobody outside of us has what we need can I tell you that you can be happy joyful smiling spending your time doing things you love

and still putting out into the universe that you are wanting a health healthy relationship you can do both but you don't have to wait on someone to do that for you you don't have to wait on someone and this is the thing that I wish I had known as a young woman I went right into a relationship as a freshman in college and before that in high school I was always in relationships I have called myself a relationship girl my whole life I've always seen relationships but I wish that someone really told me find your

happiness and who you are and how you keep yourself entertained without a man even without your friends how do you spend your alone time I wish someone told me this as a young woman any woman watching this especially young women learn yourself o learn yourself and pour into yourself and make yourself belly laugh and go enjoy experiences anyone that enters your life should have to meet you where you are you should love yourself so deeply that someone else choosing to love you or not love you doesn't shake the way you feel about yourself does not

shake the Way You Love yourself in fact if someone comes into your life and can't love you the way you need to be loved or can't meet you where you are then you should love yourself enough to be like this is not for me and when you don't love yourself what that shows up as is you accepting any amount of love and attention no matter what it comes with you're willing to look past the red flags and you're willing to accept the things that don't make you feel so good so that you can get that

little ounce of love and that's what happens when you don't know what true love feels like when you don't know what it feels like to be at peace PE and enjoy by yourself because when you know abundant joy and happiness and enjoyment in life you don't let someone come in and snatch that peace from you and that's what happens when you have that Foundation of I know what Joy feels like and so someone coming into my life should appreciate that should want to pour into that should want to amplify that and make that bigger now

again we talk about healthy interdependence yeah there may be conversations that need to be had so that you guys can you know figure out some things that work with one another or discuss some things so you can be on the same page about it that is healthy communication that is in all relationships no one's going to walk into your life and it is just perfectly fit and you don't have to have any discussions but you will know when someone respects the fact that you are at peace and you are happy and they are also whole

and happy or working towards that cuz we're always on a journey we're always healing they are working on themselves they are not looking to you to fix to make them happy that is when you know someone is not in the best space in themselves or that when you are not in the best space in yourself when you are constantly pointing the finger at everyone else that is making you feel some type of way let's take a step back and let's realize that we are responsible for that and that we have the power and that only

we have the power to make ourselves happy or make ourselves sad and miserable so let's get into these steps so step one identify where in yourself you feel avoid are you feeling bored uninspired where is it that you're feeling the biggest void and depending on where you are in your journey you may be feeling like just everything is falling apart nothing feels great but take a moment and really think about the thing that you may be emotionally reaching out to other people for or maybe you're in a relationship and you feel like they're not doing

enough something you don't feel celebrated enough you don't feel heard you don't feel like they listen where is it that you feel like you have a void okay so identify that first and then step two what do you feel the relationship is going to bring so let's put names to those things that think you're going to feel what do you think you're going to experience write down what it is that you expect to feel and to receive from this ideal relationship or friendship or even your family members in increasing those relationships and the things that

you want to see from them how can they show up better for you and how do you feel like that is going to fill that void inside of you it's important to write all of this down in detail because step three how can you do that for yourself companionship it's important to focus on after you've done the work to to make sure that you are a healthy being entering this relationship or that you are in the healthiest space of yourself if you are requesting more from the partnership that you're already in and how can I

make sure that what I'm asking for from someone else I'm already able to give myself it shouldn't even be what you're asking for because once you give that to yourself it's what you're expecting from other people the emotional nurturing of yourself and caring for yourself and celebrating yourself comforting yourself those are the things you should be able to do for yourself if you're expecting it from other people at any point that you are telling yourself I am not happy because of so so so and so and they're outside people there's something going on in you

there's something void within you that they will never be able to fix until you have faced it in yourself and you have done your work to fill that void in yourself the problems that we place on ourselves and so many of the things we think we're missing is our responsibility to fix it's our responsibility to work on first if we are unhappy in a relationship it is our responsibility to one state what we need two set set boundaries or three get ourselves out of the relationship or understand that maybe it's us that's showing up unhealthily

it all always comes back to our responsibility and so step four let's Implement one of them I say one it just makes it easier if you're already on this journey and you know you can U multitask and you can balance a couple things and do a few or if they're like bundled together like if it's like take myself on a date and get myself something nice each week something like that I would say focus on whatever the main thing you feel that you're is that void focus on doing that for 30 days and see how

different you start to feel once you start listening to yourself more once you start nurturing yourself and so the moments that you are not feeling so good you comfort yourself you really just allow yourself to be and to cry and to again watch your favorite movie and laugh and do the thing that you are feeling you're missing pouring that into yourself now step five do your best in this time frame to not point fingers outwardly take this time to pause pause before you are pointing fingers blaming lashing out take a moment and try to figure

out why you're actually feeling that way and how can you resolve that with yourself before you are are taking it to someone else but if you feel unloved if you feel unseen if you feel unappreciated or unworthy it's deeper than just this one thing right and that's what I want you to sit with what is that feeling coming from how can you do some work to make yourself feel loved worthy seen appreciated celebrated how can you do something for yourself to make yourself feel that way to calm yourself down when it is your responsibility to

regulate your emotions and to make yourself feel loved and happy and joyful that is your job now what this did for me as I started to really learn to nurture myself it helped me to actually nurture my relationship more it helped me to realize the places that I was placing blame on him and I'm currently much more aware because there were so manytimes stimes he really didn't know he was in a different space he was happy he was joyful he was fine it was just me it was because I didn't feel lovable in that moment

it's cuz I wasn't pouring into myself and so as I started doing that it increased my relationship and at a space where we were not healthy and I was trying to be healthier I had to start setting boundaries and that's how we got healthier we were in an unhealthy space I started to do the work on myself and then I started to be able to clearly Express hey here's what I'm not happy with and here's what I'm not going to deal with so we had to set boundaries we had to find new ways of doing

things and but this is what starts to happen when you are clear about how you want to be loved what you want to feel how it feels to be loved cuz once you know how to love yourself now you've understood what it feels like to be joyful and have peace and you know how to express that to anyone else that answers your life and so I was able to do that and because he was so used to what it was in the past we had a lot of things come up and things that we had

to discuss and figure out and so I say that to say if you are in a healthy relationship you are going to learn to appreciate that relationship more you are going to learn to regulate your own emotions and not lash out and and not place that on someone else and friendships please apply this to friendships family relationships as well my disclaimer is that if this feels like really really heavy work if it's feeling like something you can't really work through or too many things to work on please reach out to a therapist to a professional

that can help you work through these things talking to a therapist is just like when you're watching these videos I want you to take time to implement the feedback that you're getting and to implement the lessons and make sure that they are a part of of you now you don't want to take this information and just be like that was really good to hear actually implement it and work on it and make it a part of who you are so that you don't have to keep reliving these same lessons over and over I pray you

take away from this what I was trying to give just know that nobody can love you like you can and I want you to take the cliche out of your mind of what it means to pour into yourself and to give yourself self love and I want you to know seriously when you truly decide to love on yourself it is the most beautiful Beau thing when you truly commit to doing things that brings you Joy and that makes you happy once you pour that into yourself and you really start showing up as that person it

really radiates life is not this perfect straight line it never is there are always ups and downs your goal is to build a solid foundation routines for yourself ways of nurturing yourself ways of putting a smile on your face ways of bringing that joy that oh this feels so good whatever it is that you expect to receive from someone else give it to yourself please give it to yourself I thank you for joining me today I hope you love this video if you did please hit the thumbs up and hit that subscribe button right down

there make sure that you turn on your notifications so you don't miss any new video uploads and until next time guys keep living in love and light and in your truth [Music] bye