the desire to be loved

I thought I had learned my lessons I thought I would have known better by now but when I got thrown into it again I still fell hard the part of me that I've been desperately running away from has finally made his way back but this time it's here to stay when you were 11 what did you think you would be doing [Music] no I guess it's not uncommon for people to want to do things differently after losing someone some people start going to the gym or taking on new hobbies some decide a prioritize their friendships

while some put themselves on a self-discovery journey to find inner peace and Independence you can't deny that paying really is one of the best fuels for change 3 years ago confronted by the confusion of my identity I made a promise that I would never find myself in a similar situation ever again the pain of not knowing who I am was so great that I was hungry for change and growth I conscious ly spent a lot of time introspecting consumed only information I could learn from and put myself through uncomfortable situations I did everything just to

shake off the old me and become someone better it has been a truly confronting process and I thought by this point nothing would affect me in any [Music] way as cliche as it might sound but live would keep putting you through the same test over and over again until you've truly learned your lessons the winter here in England must have gotten to me I started dating again after a long break all the time I spent working on myself has given me so much confidence I met someone and it was all chilled and relaxed at the

beginning until I found myself slowly getting anxious slowly losing control as I began to crave more and more from the other person it was terrifying to watch my confidence crumbling before my eyes then without warning everything fell apart I was overwhelmed with self-doubt and frustration and all of these made me feel very small I was aware of it all all those videos I watched and podcasts I've listened to have taught me that acknowledgement is the first step to change so I thought if I was self aware and honest enough about how I feel I could

get out of the rut faster everything that I was experiencing felt like a betrayal of the progress I made over the years I hate to see myself being out of control drowning in negativity and self-pity and feeling like I'm not enough so I subconsciously rushed to be on the other side just so that I could feel happy and myself again and that had only made things worse the more I tried to resist the pain the more it ists I couldn't understand why it cut me so deep until I began to uncover what was really hidden

beneath the surface if there's anything I'm good at it would be my ability to be extremely honest with myself the reason why I was so upset was not really because of losing this person but it was more of an attack on the Persona I have built up over the years the strength and confidence I worked so hard to cultivate turned out to be far more delicate than I imagined for so long I had convinced myself I had overcome my insecurities and fears that I had become immune to rejection and disappointment but in reality I just

buried those feelings beneath a thin layer of self assurance no matter how much I try to change or escape from it at my core I'm still a child who desires to be love and validated who is still healing from the wounds left by those who never intended to hurt me years and years ago all this time seeking approval and acceptance from others was my attempt to compensate for the lack in my younger self but no amount of external validation could ever fill the void unless I start to offer myself the unconditional love I crave as

I took time to reflect I realized I don't love myself enough I have been selectively loving only the parts of me that I'm proud of the moments of confidence the accomplishments and the times when I met or exceeded my own expectations but I secretly resent or even feel ashamed of the part that I'm not the part that struggles and for shorts the part that desires approvals and validation as much as I'm aware of her presence I had never listened to or truly accepted her being excessively self-critical in the name of perfection ISM and self-improvement invalidating

my emotions and masking them with toxic positivity because I'm scared that if I give in to these negative feelings and show my insecurities to the world I also be admitting that I'm weak and incompetent if only I could get myself the same love and kindness and compassion I have for others I probably wouldn't struggle as much I used to think self L was just about taking care of ourselves or the ability to withstand loneliness and establish Independence but then I've slowly come to understand that self-love means so much more than warm bars long walks or

solo dates it's not just the awareness but the full acceptance of our incompleteness and imperfectness just like love and joy and happiness sadness for frustration fear doubt and shame are all part of what it is to be a human being and to truly love ourselves is to allow space for them without judgment or rushing to the emotional exit to hold ourselves with immense warmth and acceptance and to trust our ability to overcome obstacles and grow from our experiences even when it's not easy instead of feeling ashame I'm starting to make peace with my insecurities and

embrace them with open arms yes I want people to like me but each day I'm learning to let go of the need for external validation Shifting the focus back to myself prioritizing my needs and setting boundaries at times I still fail or feel anxious and nervous but that's okay I don't have to keep a perfect record as long as I keep showing up that's all that [Music] matters while selflove begins with our internal dialogue and recognizing our selfworth is nurtured and reinforced through our connections with those around us as contradictory as it might sound we

don't learn to fully love ourselves in isolation because we don't exist in isolation after all we are inherently social beings wired for connection and belonging true self-love isn't about self-reliance or self-sufficiency it's about recognizing or interconnectedness with others and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in their presence knowing that we're not on this journey alone we learn to extend the same compassion understanding and forgiveness for others to ourselves and by showing up as our authentic selves with flaws and Imperfections we open up space for supportive and meaningful relationships that uplift and Inspire us loving yourself is

a process that requires patience and understanding there going to be days when you feel like you've made tremendous progress and others when you find yourself slipping back into Old patterns of self-doubt and criticism but just like all the good things in life growth takes time there's no need to rush you are already doing great as you are [Music] par [Music]