Why It Sucked to Be Born as a Megalodon

so you're swimming around in your mother's belly well you're more of an embryo you look around with your little shark eyes hey yo what's up you've got a brother and a sister in there too this is pretty chill so far Chomp your brother just ate your sister's head all while you're still inside your mom good job son your mom says as she pushes you out into the water like she's taking a big poop Splish Splash if you can tell from the title and thumbnail you just clicked on you're a Megalodon you're born at between 6

and 10 ft long just as long as my anyways you figure out where you are in the water learning to use your fins and tail but you see your mom is swimming away from you where are you going mommy you ask to get the milk she says what the hell is milk remember you're just born she doesn't answer and you never see her again just like those only fan girls who never see their dad G now it's time to get some food in the tummy you head to the shallower water and look for something good

to eat that's a rock that's a fish that's a giant whale damn this isn't great I need something else to eat you think to yourself but just when you think you'll never find something worth eating you see a sea turtle it's a big old Turtle minding its business you swim closeth while you lick your lips Chomp whoo dude what the hell it yells as you crush its shell the fish around you scatter not wanting to be next oh that they say to themselves as blood fills the water around you as you happily rip a 100-year-old

Turtle who was just chilling to God damn shreds until humans made straws you know 3.6 million years from this time period sharks were the biggest threat to these Turtles now it's us while pieces of the turtle fall to the ocean floor traumatized crabs just watch this play out above them like oh my God what just happened I need therapy your lonely life of eating whatever is in front of you has just begun nothing wants to be your friend and you spend most of your life alone eating whatever is there and never stopping from Turtles fish

seals and even other sharks you eat literally everything you see you grow pretty quickly getting to hunt in deeper and deeper water while you grow eventually you reach 60 ft long that's three school buses lined up don't worry about what a school bus is you won't be around long enough to see it even exists anyways you're now the apex predator in the water your favorite way to kill big prey is coming up from underneath kind of the go-to move of any shark really that's because a lot of whales have echol location which means they'd see

you coming literally using sound to see if you came from the front think of echolocation as a whale's eyes when it's in water that's too dark to see clearly it kind of maps the area in front of you so it doesn't swim right into the bottom of the ocean or end up on the beach so there you are you're swimming along you look up and see a family of whales they're all just hanging out playing just loving you know being alive I love you honey the mama whale says to the daddy whale I can't wait

to watch our kids grow up let's put a stop to that s zappy you think as you swipe toward them rapidly deciding whether to eat the kids the dad or the mom either way no one's going to see the kids grow up you swim up under them you open your jaws wide and slam right up underneath the mom whale the force of the impact alone breaks the ribs and hundreds of your teeth start falling out around as the water fills with blood and whale chunks not to worry you got a lot of replacement teeth sharks

even today have hundreds if not thousands of teeth ready to lose and grow back in so they can keep eating but you the Megalodon can go through 40,000 teeth in your lifetime crunch you chop down even more splitting the whale in half as her kids scatter away you just ate a whole whale and you're still hungry you repeat this process hundreds if not thousands of times throughout your life murdering everything you can eating 2,500 lb of food every day and you thought you were hungry however one day you're swimming along and you see another Megalodon

but this one is like lot time to rise up that gach you think to yourself and do the chin touch thing with your fin hey old girl let me holl at you I'm trying to get some of that shark Gussy you know what I'm saying you swim around each other in a sort of Primal dance you get up closer thinking to yourself damn she's bad then she gives you the okay remember consent is very important you guys have a lovely time meting for about 3 to 5 minutes and you never see her or your kids

again damn sharks last longer than most human dudes in bed I mean I would know from experience it's your turn to get the milk every year or so you do this again sharks just be having kids they never meet like a soldier on deployment but now that you're getting older the water starts to get colder and you're getting uncomfortable even coming across other dead megalodons in the water hope n of these are my kids you think you need much warmer water to survive as do a lot of your favorite snacks like big fish and whales

you're getting hungry and Franky kind of cranky what you don't know cuz you're a shark is that this is the start of an iceing age you poke your head out of the water and see a bunch of white covering the land and for some reason a bunch of water is like a giant solid block off in the distance you see a squirrel jamming an acorn into a crack in the ice and cause an avalanche I wonder what that's about you think the area of the ocean that you're able to survive in gets smaller and smaller

more and more of your species are freezing and starving to death because of the cold the other animals you prey on have the same idea of getting to where it's warmer meaning other megalodons have the same idea too to get warm it's now a total survival of the fittest not only do your breakfast lunch and dinner Retreat to where it's warmer but the new species of sharks who are smaller and faster can survive in the cold completely outcompete you for food bro you're doing all that you ask one that will eventually evolve into a great

white one day I'm just bu different he says this goes on miserably for many years the days are longer colder and you're too slow to keep up with the new way of life slowly starving shrinking and not finding any new mate the baddies are dead you cry as you realize you're one of the last surviving members of the Megalodon species you're so hungry you'll try and eat anything eating smaller meals when a slow and stupid seal fails to get out of the water in time but eventually nothing is Within Reach you're cold and hungry and

you're starved out of the picture finally lying down on the bottom of the ocean floor going extinct from starvation leaving the modern great white shark as the new boss of the ocean yeah rip megalodons subscribe if you don't want to be extinct yourself