Rowan Atkinson Live | Earful #Comedy

[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] ah hello it's nice to see you all here now how's the more perceptive of you probably realized by now this is hell and I am the devil good evening but you can call me Toby if you like we try to keep things informal here as well as infernal that's just a little joke I tell it every time now you're all here for eternity whoo which I hardly need to tell you is a heck of a long time so you'll all get to know each other pretty well by the end but for now I'm going to have to split you up into groups will you stop screaming now murderers murderers over here please thank you looters and pillagers over here thieves if you could join them and lawyers your fornicators if you could step forward oh my god there are a lot of you I split you up into adulterers and the rest male adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine in the corner the French are you here if you just like to come down here with the Germans sure you'll have plenty to talk about okay atheists atheists over here please you must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits and finally Christians Christians yes I'm sorry I'm afraid the Jews were right that'll be really kind thank you okay right well are there any questions yes no I'm afraid we don't have any toilets if you read your Bible you might have seen that it was damnation without relief so if you didn't go before you came then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much but then I believe that's the idea okay well it's over to you Adolphe and I'll catch you all later at the barbecue bye [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] no now mr. Perkins it was good of you to come in I realized that you're a busy man but I didn't think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone no no absolutely headmaster I mean if Tommy is in some sort of trouble then I'd like to nip it in the bud well quite frankly Tommy is in trouble recently his behavior has left a great deal to be desired yeah he seems to take no interest in school life whatsoever he refuses to muck in on the sports field and it's week since any master has received any written work from him dear me quite frankly mr. Perkins if he wasn't dead I'd have him expelled make your pardon yes expel if I wasn't making allowances for the fact that your son is dead he'd be out on his ear come he's dead yes he's lying up there in sickbay now stiff as a board and bright green this is typical of his current attitude do you see the boy he has no sense of moderation one moment he's flying around like a paper kite and the next moment he's completely immovable and beginning to smell how did he die well is that important well well it's all got to do with the library you see we've had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards your son was caught and I administered a beating during which he died you'll be glad to know that the ringleader was caught so I don't think we'll be having any more trouble with library discipline you see the library card system I'm sorry was it you beats my son to death pins yes so it would seem please I'm not used to being interrupted you see the mighty card system was introduced actly what happened well apparently boys were just slipping in the library and taking the books during the beating no that well well one moment he was bending over the next moment he was lying down I mean a hmmm deadish mr.

Perkins I find this morbid fascination of yours with your son's death quite disturbing what I'm talking about is his ass achoo and quite frankly I can see where he gets it from wasn't me that beaten to death but I was pretty obvious to me from the first day he arrived here I wondered then as I wonder now if he might not have turned out to be a very different boy indeed if you had administered a few fatal beatings earlier curious in order to accommodate the funeral I've had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday or at least it would be if it were true I've been joking mr. Perkins pardon me it's my strange academic sense of humor I've been pulling your leg I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little [ __ ] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] and on the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee and it came to pass that all the wine was drunk and the mother of Jesus said unto the Lord they have no more wine and Jesus said unto the servants fill six waterpots with water and they did so and when the steward of the feast did taste of the water from the pots it had become wine and they knew not whence it had come but the servants did know and they applauded loudly in the kitchen and they said unto the Lord how the hell did you do that and inquired of him do you do children's parties and the Lord said no but the servants did press him saying go on give us another one and so he brought forth a carrot and said behold this for it is a carrot and all about him knew that it was so for it was orange with a green top and he did place a large red cloth over the carrot and then removed it and lo he held in his hand a white rabbit whoa were amazed and said this guy is really good he should turn professional and they brought him on a stretcher a man who was sick of the palsy and they cried unto Him maestro this man is sick of the palsy and the Lord said if I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher I'd be pretty sick of the palsy too and they were filled with joy and cried out Lord thy one-liners are as good as they tricks thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer and there came unto him a woman called Mary who had seen the Lord and believed and Jesus said unto her put on a tutu and lie down in this box and then took he forth a sore and cleft her in Twain and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth but Jesus said o ye of little faith and he threw up on the box and lo Mary was hold the crowd went absolutely bananas and Jesus and Mary took a big bow and he said unto her from now on you shall be known as Sharon for that is a good name for an assistant and the people said we've never seen anything like this this is great you must be the Son of God but the Lord said no I am he who comes before and they were so amazed and said that master how shall we know the true Lord and Jesus said by his name shall he know him and he shall have a very religious name and he shall be called Paul and Daniel shall he be called Paul Daniels they cried and the Lord said yes something like that here ends the lesson [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome back to the Olivier theatre awards and we come now to the award for best actor of the year and the nominations this year are Al Pacino for Death of a Salesman Kenneth Branagh for Richard the third and then two actors those from the same remarkable new play stench bye Harold bark worthy and the nominees are John Daniels in the role of mr. Trotter and David Corbett in the role of mr.

Gannett now these are four fine actors and I'm sure they'd all agree that the point is not to win but to play the game and the winner is John Daniels no [ __ ] unfortunately John is unable to be with us tonight and so I'd like to ask his co-star David Forbert to accept the award on his behalf [Applause] [Music] [Applause] they thought you'd like to say a few words David Thank You Vanessa ladies and gentlemen what a delight it is to accept this award on behalf of my close personal acquaintance John Daniels John cannot unfortunately accept it himself because he is in Hollywood starring in his first major film role with Meryl Streep I am however not in Hollywood not having been offered even a minor role in an eight-millimeter pornographic movie but what a delightful object it is the John has won although you know I'm sure I will very soon receive one myself when I next buy 10 gallons of petrol at a Texaco so what is it that Johnny has got that makes him stand apart from other actors of his generation well I think we all know the answer to that one syphilis and what a great and heartwarming thing it is that he has already started passing it on to a whole new generation of young actors of course what an acting award is always a great honor but to receive one here in the heart of London's famous West End on an occasion such as this hugely diminishes that honor what could be more dull only sordid back-slapping sessions where has-beens in tuxedos handover to even older has bends and tuxedos awards for plays that close the week before they opened because the audience's were clamoring instead for tickets to Andrew Lloyd Webber's latest rearrangement of Evita to suit the vocal range of Kylie Minogue say what a delight it is that John has won this award instead of me and I should like to announce my retirement from the acting profession in order to begin a lifetime of work amongst the mentally handicapped in which capacity I look forward to meeting all the members of the judging panel very soon Oh [Music] huh good evening gentlemen no no no that's no problem come in please although although perhaps if we could just keep that delightful singing down a little bit obviously plenty of refreshment at the football game no come in do no no no that table is reserved it is also a table for two people perhaps perhaps this table might be more suitable for nine you'd like to step this way here let me help you up no no it is a tricky bit of floor that deceptively flat if you'd like to take a seat yes or perhaps on the chair there we drive right now what would anybody quiet quiet quiet gentlemen please quiet what would anybody like to drink nine pints of blood eighteen pints of blood eighteen vitamin C does a typical now if you just like to take a menu that just parts those around their hand one for you sir beer there we go straight onto the floor here let me pick it up for you and tell you what try and grip it sir by the side between the thumb and the forefinger Ziff you grip it won't always fall on the floor tell you what why don't we just put it on the table here let me rest it against your friends hey that should be fine right now what would anybody like to eat oh it is a lamb dish yes a marinated lamb in coconut with a cream sauce very nice no not hot [Applause] [Music] how can I put it it is a it is a medium spiced dish oh well in that case no in that case you want the Bombay duck hmm no no duck ah that duck with the duck oh oh oh it was your little joke very funny well done well done everybody on that one no no it is the chic kebab that is like two little turds the Shami kebab is a sort of a mince an onion gristle a bit like cow dung sir yes but in smaller portions right hi Rajiv thank you if you'd like to put the drinks down well can we move your friend here work well perhaps if we just roll him that's a idea but if we just roll him out of his cutlery add into the mango chutney don't worry he'll be fine there Thank You Raji poke at him now would anybody like any writer that's a kind of yogurt dip sort of bunny and you come yes look I think we'd better wake up your friend did here well no he is not just having a little nap he's having a little nap face down and a pitcher of beer he is going to drown no no don't worry sir much better out than in what are you ready about it sings just leaves all the more room for your chicken curry thank you very much indeed do you know what your friend here might like to eat hello what would you like to eat a hot dog okay I'll see what I can do so let me just go back on this please we want a cucumber raita an onion writer a paperback writer but I'm presuming that's a joke for me to carry one Bombay duck for rice for Shami kabab and the hotdog and anything else for starters just some papadums and salad and yogurt and [ __ ] okay I'll see what I can do although I'm not sure you'll be needing that last item as you all seem quite full enough of [ __ ] [Applause] [Music] you ever have one of those days when everything seems to go wrong I did unfortunately it was my wedding day and three men in particular were to blame it all started with the priest I now pronounce you man and wife well done you may now kiss the bride mm-hmm nice one all right please be seated everybody I just like to say a few words before communion you know a lot of prospective brides asked me these days father what is the church's attitude to fellatio [Applause] and I tend to reply by telling them a little story about the first time I was asked that wish [Applause] it was a couple of years ago now and the young attractive bride-to-be came up to me after a service and asked me just that question father what is the church's attitude to fellatio and I replied well you know Joanne I'd like to tell you but unfortunately I don't know what fellatio is and so she shooed me and ever since whenever anyone has asked me the question father what is the church's attitude to fellatio I always reply well you know I'd like to take I don't know what fellatio is [Music] [Applause] [Music] next came my trusted best man right right well ladies and gentlemen and finish slivers of that stunning stag party how did those two girls get under the table and what the hell were they up to with that toothpaste well just before I left the house this afternoon I said to myself you know the last thing you must do is forget your speech and so sure enough when when when I left the house the last thing I did yes you guessed it was to forget my speech sir so it's all ad-lib I'm afraid [Music] [Laughter] well well now now where should I begin the hums I'd like to begin now well well well well I've known the groom ever since we first went to school together at the age of eight and you know he hasn't changed a bit well that's not quite true cause he didn't have his beard he wouldn't have been able to do whatever he was doing last night where there's two extraordinary extraordinary how little people change although I know I've changed a great deal because I used to be an absolute ass always blurting things out when I should Prince's afternoon I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to resist mentioning the bizarre sight that greeted my eyes when I opened this man's bedroom door earlier this morning yes for the butter but enough of that he started making gestures at me now which i think means he wants me to cut my speech short says Feist to say that I think he'll make a ripping husband and I think his wife's ripping too and I can only hope that that the dress will hold out so I'd like to propose a toast to go with the pate to the groom and to his lovely horse wife sauce it's all starting to come back to me now and I just know that their marriage will be as happy and satisfied as I was when I paid off those two prostitutes earlier [Applause] and finally my loving father in law provided the perfect end to a perfect day ladies and gentlemen and Friends of my daughter there comes a time in every wedding reception when the man who paid for the damn thing he's allowed to speak a word rods through of his own when I should like to take this opportunity sloshed as I may be to say a word or two about Martin as far as I'm concerned my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful charming was he responsible wealthy let's not deny it well-placed good-looking and fertile young men then Martin has husband and I therefore ask the question why the hell did she marry Gerald instead because Gerald is the sort of man we used to describe at school there's a complete prick if I may use the gardening simile here if his entire family may be likened to a compost heap and I think they can Gerald is the biggest weed growing out of it I think he's the sort of man people emigrate to avoid I remember the first time I met Gerald I said to my wife she's the lovely woman propping a blatte horrendous old lush of a mother of his either this man is suffering from serious brain damage or the new vacuum cleaners arrived as for his family they are quite simply the most intolerable herd of steaming social animals I've ever had the misfortune of turning my nose up to I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog I would like to propose a toast to the caterers and to the pigeon who crapped on the groose family's limousine at the church as for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me you can sod off I wouldn't trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] ashes to ashes amen we are gathered here today on this beautiful autumn morning to pay our last respects to Thomas Fair Clough Richard Mason and Harold Walker Tom Dick and Harry as they were known to all three stout fellows of our community who will be sorely missed Tom sadly was blind an affliction he bore with great fortitude especially considering he was also deaf his only power was that of speech and song and we all recall his enormous voice joining lustily in our hymn singing of course being blind and deaf Tom never actually knew what him we were singing which seemed appropriate because we never knew what him he was singing either in fact that we had to be frank with each other Tom didn't actually know any hymns thus it is with deep gratitude we recall the day when Colonel grant using only a sense of touch through the medium of a clenched fist actually broke through to Tom and got him to shut her needing guidance through the darkness of life tom was lucky to have a friend like dick dick had perfect eyesight and would gladly lead Tom wherever he wanted to go unfortunately since dick was also deaf he couldn't actually hear where Tom wanted to go yet like Tom dick never complained about his afflictions did he well he couldn't he was dominant but blessed with the gift of vision though stone death he was a tremendous fan of Olivia newton-john being such an idiosyncratic pair deaf to the world about them Tom and Dick were to have the permanent companionship of Harry Harry could literally hear a pin drop although being blind and dumb he could not see to pick it up or warn anyone else not to stand on it and so as individuals they were sadly afflicted but together they were in possession of all of God's senses weren't they and it is together but we remember together at their job checking eggs at the battery farm dick would look for the cracks Tom would complain to the foreman and Harry would do the listening to radio one likewise in the evening when they had returned from work they would all sit on the big red couch dick watching the television Harry listening to the television and Tom insisting that it was time to buy a television sadly as we all know three days ago their peaceful lives were ended dick saw the combine harvester Harry heard of the combine harvester but neither could cry out Tom who could have cried out never had the faintest idea what hit him and so they were all harvested together blended into oneness at last and now we trust are in heaven as happy as any in that immortal host for dick will see the angels choir Harry will hear the angels choir and no doubt Tom will ruin it for everybody all right come on settle down the ancien names anus [Applause] ass bandit bottom clitoris where are you clitoris doodoo enema fists up come on guerrilla please genital I'm sorry genital herpes still with us I see you I'm a dick I'm a dick anima you know I'm addictive Jack ulation my prick has anybody seen my present come on somebody must have seen my prick very well remind me to beat my prick when he does nice and quick on top pubes ah my prick so good of you to turn up yes well now that you are here my prick perhaps you'd like to find a seat bottoms squeeze my prick in some weather [Applause] rigid Russian exchange student Samael [Applause] tight fit up your vulva your pick and zipper absent now then boys the headmaster has asked me to speak to you this morning on the subject of smut all members of staff have noticed an alarming increase in the use of silly humor and pure I'll innuendo about the school rigid fists up bottom out there have been some disgusting doodling was on the walls of the laboratory sit up straight on top one or two unpleasant health magazines have been found if you fall asleep on top I shall be very annoyed and mr. hard-on tells me that there's been a great deal of sniggering in his biology cast take fit hadn't take leave your pick alone I don't care you'll pick up no business poking the odd desk in the first place I will not put up with this kind of behavior boys now neither I must warn you will mr.